Mollycoddled children

These days we seem to have many parents who seem to worry far too much about how their child is 'feeling' - they don't seem to be able to bear to see their child upset - even if the child is upset because of its own doing !

When my grandchildren do something they have been told several times NOT to do and then get upset because they get hurt or their toy, whatever, gets broken,.. I am glad they are upset! Its a lesson learned.

Vampirequeen, I suppose I agree with you really, I expressed it badly. I shouldn't have singled out prostitutes, although a lot nowadays do have a habit. The row of shops near where my DD lives often has dealers and addicts hanging around at all times of the day. I know from experience that someone on drugs can look at you and see something completely different. There aren't boggle men around every corner but sometimes it pays to be a little careful. The drunks and drop outs around when we were gals we're a different kettle of fish.

I would not dream of glorifing the past, Charlotta - my childhood would have been very grim if I had not had so much love from my mother, sister and brother. It would have been lovely to have come home to find my mother cooking the dinner.

We can't turn the clock back to when there was nothing to do and we had to play out on the street. Of course we did skipping games and played rounders and time flew by. The roads are too busy now and this is another generation which has to come to terms with the society they live in with constant entertainment and ongoing dumbing down of everything on TV.

One of my GSs is an only child and he can entertain himself. His Tv and computer time is rationed and the rest of the time he reads and really likes to be by himself. His mother told me he often has children playing in his room and he is sitting downstairs finishing off a book he's reading. It's not because he's antisocial as he is very popular.

I think we were often very bored indeed but have forgotten it. We shouldn't glorify the past when children had to cook meals and stand in queues at the shops. But we can try and prevent too much mollycoddling, try to find middle way. I don't offer much entertainment either. They bring their scooters and we stay at my house.

Greatnan, I think you are right. Children do pick up on their parents anxiety.

I find I am trying to undo the fear my GC pick up from their mothers. I had to teach my GD that going high on a swing is not really scary and that she CAN ride her bike withoug stabilisers... and my 6 yr old Grandson that he IS capable of climbing to the top of a climbing frame in the playground.

I let my 13-year old gd bring two friends with her to stay with me when I lived on the Mediterranean coast. My daughter also came. Their two mothers then booked a room at the nearest hotel, which I found very insulting. I had, after all, considerable experience in dealing with problem teenagers from my years in teaching. I was also expected to meet them at the airport and take them back. They wanted to meet up almost every day and when one girl started her period she had to go and stay with her mum because 'she gets upset very easily'. I came to the conclusion that the mothers suffered from separation anxiety and it was being passed on to the girls.

MISHAP,.. I am not brave,.. just too outspoken with my daughter at times

There are lots of things I see and hear and eventually it gets too much and I just blurt out whats in my head! I am lucky though because we can clash and have a go at each other but its always over and done with and we are always ok afterwards.

One thing my daughter did,.. when her 7 year old daughter was going on a school trip to a Safari park - she could not volunteer to go as a 'helper' because she had 2 younger children and you couldn't go as a helper and take other children with you.
SO,.. my daughter decided to take the younger children on a trip to the Safari park on the same day. This was so she could lag behind the school party and keep an eye on her daughter - She did not trust the school to take care of her and I also think she feared her daughter may stray off and get eaten by a lion or something !
It doesn't help my situation that her daughter keeps asking me to 'tell Mummy to let me play out'

What an encouraging post. I have also found that if I approach a group of teenagers and ask politely for directions they first seem surprised that I have done so, then answer very helpfully.

The safest place I ever lived was on the roughest, most dangerous estate in our local city (before I was fortunate enough to move here). I never once felt threatened or in danger. I walked through the estate at all hours of the day and night. The scallies didn't bother people walking ....they kept their fights between themselves. There were some scary people but at heart they were the kindest, most generous people I have ever met. I wasn't like them....I don't drink, smoke, swear, fight etc but they accepted me for what I was and when I got my degree and became a teacher they were all so proud of me.

You just had to see past the protective wall they'd built up around themselves. They would complain bitterly about immigrants and asylum seekers but when a family moved onto the estate from Afghanistan, people made sure the children had bikes, toys etc. because they couldn't bear the thought of the children not having things that their own took for granted.

I never once feared for my girls on the estate even when they were older and stayed out late. They would phone me once they were on the estate and I would start to relax.

When my sister was 9 and I was 5 she had to bring me home from school, light the fire, peel the potatoes and have the kettle on for when my mother and older siblings came home from work. When I was 10, I picked up my baby niece from the child minder and looked after her until my her mother came home from work. I could make bottles and change nappies and entertain her.
As my mother went out to work from the time I was 5, my sister had to entertain me throughout the long summer holidays- we lived in the back streets of Salford. No parents were involved in our activities - usually some older girl of about 14 would organise a trip to Peel Park with jam 'butties' and a bottle of water where we would play games.
It always amuses me when today's children think they are so mature.

My daughter became obsessive about her children's safety after the murder of their school friend, Megan Russell and her mother Lynn, on their way home from the tiny village school at Goodnestone in 1996. I think the children were more traumatised by her reaction than by the actual murders. Stranger murder is still very rare - children are much more likely to be murdered by their parents or a mother's partner.

I suppose where the child lives might have an influence. If it's a really bad area with prostitutes and drug dealers. Otherwise I agree with everything that's been said.

I so agree with the point that today's children need or expect to be entertained all the time. I look after the grandchildren on a regular basis. I'm always being asked 'where are you taking them today?' when I pick them up.

Usually the answer is 'my house'....

As a society I think that the concept of risk has got out of proportion. Unless you live in inner city gangland then children need to have some freedom. Our village primary school has installed the most extraordinary gated community with CCTV and bells, locks and buzzers etc. - it is madness and sends out a very strange message to the children about the adults in the world around them. And they are planning to add to the system - the really mad thing is that anyone can squeeze their way in through the nearby hedge!

I used to take my children (then 6 - 8) into town and give them some money and send them off round the pedestrianised parts of the town - they had instructions to cross no roads at the age, and they had a ball - they loved the sense of freedom and felt very grown up.

I do so agree about the apparent need to entertain children all the time - what is that about? I guess it relates to the fact that they do not have the freedom to get out and about and do things for themselves.

Maxgran - I think you are very brave to state your view to your children - I usually keep schtumm! - perhaps I am just a coward!

Incidentally, when I was 6 I used to escort my neighbour's 5 year old to and from school on the bus with me - when I arrived at the destination I had to cross a main road and walk down a long road to the school.

I was a 'bad' mother according to people who knew me. My children went out to play. They went to the local park with other children and played in mixed age groups. When they were 8 years old I stopped taking them to or picking them up from school (10 minute walk). They walked home with friends instead.

When they were 10 years old I first took them into town and let them go off alone with friends for half an hour and gradually extended this time. Then I let them go to town on their own.

At the age of 11 they had to catch the school bus to school. They had to travel with a variety of children and know when to get on and off the bus. My girls did this with no problem. Other children who had been 'looked after properly' found this change very difficult. They didn't know how to relate to new children or children of other ages. They also had problems walking in the street and crossing the roads because they'd never had to do it alone.

One DS and his partner criticise the other DS and wife (not to their faces) for being too permissive about letting the children go out to the local shop and park; the latter pair criticise the former for being too restrictive! I listen to both and refrain from commenting! I actually think both are right up to a point.

I agree that many kids are not allowed to leave the apron strings as soon as I did or let my DDs do..but I do think that 24/7 media highlights risks and make parents think there are more nowadays.

I used to travel to Kings X from Darlington for holidays with grandma and the guard kept an eye on me! I was about 10 /11/12 at the time.

If I'd complained to my mum that I was bored she would have told me to read a book, go out and play or found me a job that I didn't like to do. I soon learned not to complain and amazingly I learned how to entertain myself. Children need to learn to entertain themselves and they need to learn that the world isn't there to meet their every desire. If a child is constantly entertained/occupied by adults how will they ever deal with being alone or be able to plan their lives.

Sorry I'm on my soapbox now

Parents always seem to be complaining how much it costs to keep their children occupied during the school holidays. Then you find they're planning an activity for every day. Why? Children have imaginations and toys. They can make up their own games and activities. You don't have to take them to theme parks, swimming, dancing, gym, etc etc, every day you just have to let them play. At first they'll find it hard because they've never had to think for themselves but soon they'll find ways to pass their time that don't involve spending huge amounts of money. Schools don't tell children what to do at playtime and lunchtime but oddly the children seem to find things to do. Whether its chasing each other, playing football or simply having a chat. In all my years in primary school I've never heard a child complain about being bored at playtime.

Children need time away from adults. That's when they develop their social skills and learn how to cope in different situations. Yes they may do things we'd rather they didn't and yes they might fall and hurt themselves but they'll also grow and develop physically and mentally into more rounded individuals.

Don't worry, charlotta, they won't have seen everything quite yet. Plenty of wondrous things out there to still find out about.

One thing I have noticed about my grandchildren is that they always seem to need to be 'entertained' They get 'bored' and seem to think their parents should provide constant attention and entertainment.

When my daughter comes round with the children I cannot have a conversation with her at all without their constant interrupting. It seems that I am the one who has to shut up and wait patiently whilst they get attention.

I often tell the GC to wait because we were talking ! My daughter doesn't seem to mind when I do this but never thinks to do it herself !

I think that sometimes Grandma should be able say quietly and politely what she thinks. Not nagging but just mentioning it once. I always remind my DDs what children in other parts of the world do and what the human child is capable of. If a school bag is considered too heavy for a 10 year old child then I say a lot of 9 year old girls carry their siblings about all day. I know this is not ideal but like to put things not perspective.

I think my GCs are over stimulated and too loud. Not TV or computer but outings to Zoos, swimming pools and theme parks and museums not to mention holidays abroad. They live in a city and have seen everything and they're not even teenagers. It worries me.

Oh its a fine line we tread ..........we can't do right for doing wrong. I'm a bit of a coward so unless I felt something was really wrong I'd keep schtum.
However, I do have a bit of a way of turning conversations around if asked something particular.....I sort of go down the 'well I did such and such with you at that age, I'm no expert but I felt it was what you needed' then I ask their opinion on what I did. So far weve had some interesting conversations. I have had slightly more direct conversations but they are only with my daughter, not SIL as I feel its important they can discuss their approaches without my input. Touch wood no one has taken offence and we can talk quite freely within this framework.

I wasn't commenting on whether or not her fears are justified - just whether she was wise to voice them to the parents!
I do agree that we keep children infantile for far too long. I remember seeing a programme about nomadic Mongolians - their four year olds were skinning animals with vicious looking knives and lighting fires to cook them!
My grandsons learned to wash, iron and cook for themselves virtually overnight when they went to university.
It is true that it is often easier to do things yourself, but I agree that training in basic life skills is part of the package of parenthood.

We all live quite close on the outskirts of a town.
There are safe areas to play away from traffic etc and parks.
The local primary school is a 5 minute walk from my daughters. There is a road to cross but its a small road with speed bumps and good visibility. My 8 yr old GD is not allowed to go to or come from school without her Mum or Dad,..even though she would be with a few friends.

When I was 8 I had to walk quite a distance to school on my own and cross a main road ( with a lollipop lady) I also used to play out all the time and we lived on a main road which was a bus route!

I just don't undersdtand how they expect their children to suddenly know how to do things when/if they are ever ready to cut the tight apron strings.

But it sounds as if you are right, maxgran - it made me consider what my lot do and yours do sound over protected. Do they live in a town or city?

Ariadne,
Ah, well, I have to admit - if they had too much freedom,.. I would probably moan about that too !
I must keep reminding myself that my own kids do not have to share my way on these things!