Gransnet forums


not just dil's but daughters too

(16 Posts)
caz Thu 06-Sep-12 18:48:30

Hi everyone,
I have two lovely granddaughters who i have spent lots of time with, one is 7 and the other 3.
My daughter and i have always been close and she has had a lot of help in several different ways and i always saw my granddaughters a few times a week, i have looked after them while she went to work and have had them stay for weekends.
Everything changed when she met another man, he started having arguments with her friends and various family members to the point where a lot of people disappeared out of her life, he tried to get the girls dad's access stopped, then decided one day to send me nasty text messages saying my daughter didnt want to see me any more. I contacted her and she would not reply, i have been cut off from my 2 granddaughters and have not been able to see them or send presents since the end of october last year.
I know that i did not do anything to interfere or cause upset and it all came out of the blue.
The girls dad has been in touch and offered to bring the girls to see me and asked my daughter if it was ok and she said no or she would move out of town and he wouldnt see his children again.
I really cant understand why this has happened.
I know there is nothing anyone can do to help but just wanted others to know my story.
I was very upset but over the last few months i have focused on other things in my own life but i still think of the girls often and live in the hope that one day i will be able to see them again.
I recently heard that my daughter and this man are getting married next year!
I know some of you have problems with daughter in law's but i would be interested to know if anyone has a daughter who has acted in the way mine has.

Anne58 Thu 06-Sep-12 18:59:39

Oh heavens caz this sounds remarkably like a situation that we have in the little community where I live! A new man has come into a neighbours life, and he is gradually causing rifts between her and other neighbours, her friends and (I believe) other members of her family, i.e. her mother!

I'm no expert, but it does seem like classic controlling behaviour.

I'm sure that others more experienced than me will offer advice, but my best wishes to you.

whenim64 Thu 06-Sep-12 20:09:12

Hi caz and welcome. Why don't you have a look at two threads:
'Denied Contact' and 'Cut out of their lives - August 2012 onwards'
Both contain lots of accounts similar to yours, and some Gransnetters (like me) have been able to get access to their granchildren again. smile

Ariadne Thu 06-Sep-12 22:21:50

caz ((hugs))

HildaW Fri 07-Sep-12 14:39:09

Oh dear caz, so sorry. The man sounds a classic bully. 'Arranging' to argue with the woman's family and friends is the classic isolation technique. She will need a lot of support once she realises what he is really like. So even if you cant stay close right this moment, do let her know you can be there when she needs you. Good luck.

kittylester Fri 07-Sep-12 14:55:47

caz do look at the threads when suggested. And come back to talk if you need to. (((hugs)))

glammanana Fri 07-Sep-12 15:22:04

Hello Caz I am so sorry to read your story and I can identify with it so much,not to the fact that I was stopped from seeing my DGCs but the bully of a man my DD married,he did everything in his power to stop us communicating and had he totally dependent on him. I kept on writing to my Dd and made sure she always knew we where here when she needed us and I got in touch with all the friends he had tried to stop her seeing and told them the problem,she did marry im and we went to the wedding and never spoke to him once but made sure he knew we where there for her.She has now divorced him and he is out of her life,he was a sponger and wanted a ready made home but he now lives in a small bedsit with no home comforts,its just a waiting game I'm afraid.Good luck for the future I am sure things will get

caz Wed 12-Sep-12 09:21:04

Hi everyone,

Thankyou for your kind messages,
This man my daughter has chosen to be with, is as i see him obsessive and possessive.
I live in hope that when the granddaughters grow up they will choose to come and see me.
My daughters ex partner contacts me and sends me photographs of the girls via facebook, he told me last week that they have not forgotten me and he talks to them about me, my husband and son who my daughter has cut off as well so i am grateful for that.

I just dont understand how my daughter could want to be with someone like the man she is now with and how she just cant see what kind of a person he is and what he does to other people, if it was one of her friends partners she would be the first to point all this out.
They say love is blind so maybe this is the reason.
I do think of the granddaughters every day for a few minutes and focus on getting on with things in my own life as i think it is the only way of coping.

What makes the situation worse is i did not have a very good relationship with my own mother but i never stopped her seeing my children and my daughter knows this and have commented on it, i would take them down and wait for my mother to answer the door, let the children go in and arrange to pick them up later until they were old enough to go and visit on their own.

Littlenellie Wed 12-Sep-12 09:28:00

caz it's a waiting while you are waiting,hopefully before too long she will realise he is a bullyxxx

Littlenellie Wed 12-Sep-12 09:36:11

And I'm answer to your question do others have problems with their daughters,yes my daughter was involved with a man who was a bully,and she was "encouraged" to isolate herself from us..with tragic consequences....all you can do is wait and hope,and be ready to be there when she needs you,as surely she will,if your daughters ex partner is around because of the girls and he sees her just get him to be aware of your daughters appearance,bruising,change in covering clothes..just be awarexxxxxwe always here for support or signposting if need bexxxxxnellie

Wheniwasyourage Wed 12-Sep-12 09:56:43

How sad, caz flowers. At least the girls are not forgetting you. I do hope it all works out for you before too long [hugs].

maxgran Wed 12-Sep-12 10:00:43

This would scare me!!
I would get a check on whether the man has a history of domestic abuse. Isn't there a new thing now where you can request from the police if you are concerned about a new man in your own or a duaghter's life.

The first thing an abusive man will do is to isolate his partner,

bikergran Wed 12-Sep-12 10:28:24

Hello caz I think there are many of us that understand your situation that you are going through....and although I was never stopped from seeing or being with my GS.. it still made things uncomfortable, the thing is we can try and persuade and talk to our daughters till we are blue in the face..but!! we just have to sit back and wait until they see the light, it is as Littlenellie says "a waiting game" it's good that you cand focus on other aspects of your life, take care and keep posting, it does help to share your problems.

Movedalot Wed 12-Sep-12 11:11:07

caz flowers I cannot help but just want to send you my heartfelt sympathies. I am so glad you have a good relationship with her ex and that he talks to the girls about you and to you about them. Just hold on to that lifeline until they are old enough to see you on their own.

I feel very sorry for your daughter as, deep down, I think she must know what this man is like but can't even admit it to herself. I don't think we can help who we fall in love with as there is no logic to DH and me as we had not a lot in common when we met.

Nanban Sun 16-Sep-12 10:26:21

I Caz, Movedalot is right, hold on to the good relationship you have with their father to keep contact going and it must all come right in the end. As for your daughter - there is very little you can do to help because it will be translated into unwanted interference but let her know that she is loved, missed, and that you will always be thinking of her.

glammanana Sun 16-Sep-12 13:17:56

caz these posts are so so right in saying that contact with your x SIL is so vital and at least he can make sure the children are safe and well,bullies like this man your DD is with now isolate girls with the intention of the likes of your DD being made to think they cannot do without his involvement and that no one can love them as much as he does all the while he is chipping away at her self confidence,but just wait and she will bounce back and make her own decision about wishes & ((hugs))