Gransnet forums


Older Grandchildren

(46 Posts)
fadedglory Tue 25-Sep-12 09:24:02

Am I being unreasonable....
It irritates me that the 'Being a Gran' section here appears to think that all of us have tiny Grandchildren.
I have 6 ranging in age from 23-14 years not months. I'm way past the stage of nappy changing and why would a Granny need advice on how to do that??
Even when or if I become a GreatGran I doubt I'll have forgotten those basic skills.

Can't we have some discussion on subjects like what to do when your teenage Grandkids like you better than they like their parents, or how far you should subsidise your student Grandchild?

writergrandma Mon 08-Oct-12 14:39:02

gillybob that's the relationship we had, she used to beg to come to my house, now doesn't want to come, etc etc. Anyway I have to go and pick her up from school now but will remember all the wise words above and try to be cheerful whatever happens. Many thanks.

gillybob Mon 08-Oct-12 14:26:30

fadedglory I always liked (dare I say loved?) my grandma and grandad more than my parents as they were easier to love. My grandad had a heart the size of a house and had so much love in him. I miss him so much to this day. All of my childhood happy memories revolve around them. Even as a teenager I could not stay away and all of my friends spent time there with me. Their house was literally an open door where could take anyone to be fed and loved. I could tell my grandparents anything and was never judged. In my eyes they were perfect.

Love has its way of "paying off" as my own grandchildren adore my "tiny little grandma" (as they refer to her) who is still alive aged 96.

My parents had the day to day care and were always a little too busy for everything.

Greatnan Mon 08-Oct-12 14:16:56

I think the acknowledged wisdom is to ignore bad behaviour and reward good behaviour, so if she does anything nice for you, make a big fuss of her.

whenim64 Mon 08-Oct-12 14:04:43

writer I intermittently pick my grandson up about being courteous, and he gives me a quick glare but takes the point. I don't get heavy about it, and try to inject some humour. I just remind him, when he's in my home, that we don't behave like that here, then carry on as normal. He's not daft - he knows how to be courteous, such as staying at the dinner table whilst we finish our meal or asking politely for a drink. He also knows just what he would never get away with, such as being rude or insulting. Mind you, he tries to get wisecracks in subtly, just to see if I notice! I would hold back from telling him to behave in a warmer or closer way, though - it would make him feel very uncomfortable, which I don't want to do to him. Sensitive souls at that age, aren't they? smile

writergrandma Mon 08-Oct-12 13:50:05

Thank you Greatnan and whenim64. I guess I wasn't prepared for this to happen just yet, especially after all the 'I love you, Grandma' notes and closeness over the years and I thought she might rebel against her parents but want the grandparent relationship! I wonder if I should have another chat - I tried when this first started but didn't get far - that I respect her getting older but still expect some courteous behaviour at the least. Or do I just leave it and hope she will 'come back' later? I worry that by not saying anything I am condoning her lack of contact, politeness, warmth etc.

whenim64 Mon 08-Oct-12 13:15:34

Welcome to the world of pre-teens' grandmas, writergrandma! My 12.1/2 year old grandson is exactly the same. He's turned into Kevin the Teenager, who only talks at length about things I don't have a clue about (Minecraft, Bridge Constructor, geeky computer website construction, owning a server?!?!), which enables him to patronise me. Otherwise, he responds in one syllable utterances, and avoids eye contact. I know he loves me, but for now he doesn't want me hanging round him - it makes him look uncool. When I pick him up from school occasionally, he walks past my car first, then comes back and gets in. Doesn't want his school pals seeing him getting a lift from his gran!

Girls mature earlier than boys, and I remember my twin daughters being like this at that age. They were polite when they were with adults, but any close family member aged over 30 was seen as a wrinkly old person who they felt they could ignore. We would have words every now and again, and they grew out of it in due course.

Greatnan Mon 08-Oct-12 12:57:14

Yes, I am afraid pre-teens are now quite likely to be suffering the effects of raging hormones. They can change almost overnight from sweet little children into selfish, sulky, grumpy monsters. However, it might be that your grand-daughter has taken offence at some casual remark you made, perhaps when you did not know she was listening. Just keep on being loving and with a bit of luck, she will come round in time.

writergrandma Mon 08-Oct-12 12:46:18

First time I've tried this. I've had 10 wonderful years of being close to my granddaughter, nearly 11. In the last few months she's been showing a lot of attitude, being very rejecting - e.g. doesn't even want to sit next to me when we all go out for a meal - used to make sure we did but last time actively got up and changed seats not to sit next to me! We do alot of child care so her attitude is really hurtful. When I go to her house before school she doesn't look at me, and when I bring her home she rushes up to her room,only appears when I call forher meal andshe takes that upstairs. I've tried talking to her. Spoke to my daughter who muttered 'low self esteem' and clearly wasn't willing to pursue. It was all so easy when she was younger. I was prepared for her to become more independent but is this normal for a nearly 11 year old nowadays?

PRINTMISS Thu 04-Oct-12 16:42:42

My grandchildren are now considered adults, have never asked for money from me, and I never gave them 'pocket money' or cash when they visited. My grandson got himself a paper round when he was 14, and was encouraged by his parents to save some of this, so that he could at least pay half of whatever he wanted. He is now at University and managing to look after himself very nicely. My grand-daughter a little different, but still found herself a weekend job, and since leaving school although not fully employed the same people for whom she worked weekends now employ her 4 days a week. Like her brother she is encouraged to save, but spends most of it on clothes, make-up, etc., but that is what being a young girl is all about. They are both aware that we do not have a lot of spare cash, and appreciate that we do our best for them on special occasions. Just to see them as responsible adults is a pleasure, and although I disapproved of my daughter returning to work and leaving them in the care of Nurseries, they do not seem to have suffered at all. Old fasioned that's me.

Ella46 Wed 03-Oct-12 09:37:00

gmajen I think that just makes you 'middle aged'! grin

Gmajen Wed 03-Oct-12 09:13:55

PS The last of my six granchildren turned 18 last week! Does that mean I only have grandadults now?

Gmajen Wed 03-Oct-12 09:09:30

IF you can keep your savings earning interest
With economic crashes everywhere
Stay fit, well groomed and with a sense of humour
While junk food rules and no one seems to care
If you provide a sympathetic shoulder
For those who need some help along the way
Or dare to dream that voting for the Liberals
Will really make a difference one day
If you can raid a pension pot or ISA
For deposits that a bank will never lend
You,ve earned my deep respect and admiration
You really are a 'Supergran', my friend.

Greatnan Mon 01-Oct-12 21:00:54

It would be nice to have enough money to be able to give it to my gc, but I am no longer in the position I was in when I gave each of my daughters a sizeable deposit for their first houses - and with so many gc, I could hardly give to one without giving to all the others! At various times, I have taken them on holidays and had them to stay with me in France, and I manage good presents for special occasions - weddings, babies, 18th birthdays.

dudekj Mon 01-Oct-12 20:36:50

Do grandchildren borrow money?.
My parents and my inlaws never wanted the money back which they gave to my 2 daughters.
Mind you they all had good occupational pensions.
For a time they were giving money to their great granddaughters.

Greatnan Mon 01-Oct-12 17:14:16

I don't think I deserve congratulations for having so many descendants -I didn't have much to do with it!
They vary tremendously in their personalities and achievements - some are sensible, working hard in careers or studying, some 'skate lightly over the surface of life'. I love them all, but worry about one family because of their mother's health problems. The other daughter's six children are all happy and never give me a moment's anxiety.

dahlia Mon 01-Oct-12 17:03:21

I have six granddaughters, aged from 21 months to nearly 19 years. Freya, the eldest, will save and has a part-time job while attending college to pay for her old banger. We gave both the elder girls £500 when they were 16 and about to leave school for college: Freya still has some of this left, but Tillie (16 in July) has almost spent all of hers, though to be fair much of this has gone on materials and equipment for her new course. She is now also looking for part-time work, but this isn't so easy to find these days. I don't think I would be too keen on loaning them money, as this can change the balance between people, however close, but would consider it if any of the family was desperate. In the past, we loaned FIL money which was repaid (years later) in his will - and no, there was no interest!

annodomini Mon 01-Oct-12 15:23:45

8 year-old GS saves and has recently bought himself a DAB radio (going cheap in Tesco); his 10-year-old sister lets money dribble through her fingers like water and is always peeved because he has more than she has. The logic of the situation seems to escape her!

Marelli Mon 01-Oct-12 13:57:28

Grand-daughters of 22, 21 and 13. Great-grandson of 2. smile Oldest grand-daughter has borrowed and always paid back. middle one now and again has borrowed, and never got round to paying back, but I let her away with it as she's a single mum and works hard to keep things going. Youngest one saves for everything and has, to all accounts, quite a healthy bankbook! Great-grandson also has savings because his mum pays money in from her wages each month!

pinkprincess Mon 01-Oct-12 13:11:57

I have five grandchildren.Ages 20, 18, 16, 11, and 9.
Oldest is in her final year at uni doing Maths degree, has moved into a flat with another student friend.Second has started an arts course in London, is staying with my sister till she finds somewhere else to live.Third has lived with me for past two years.Causing problems but too complicated to go into just now.Youngest two are still at school but living with me as well (their parents, DS and his second wife live here as well).The boy who is 11 has autism.

Well that is me.

Ella46 Fri 28-Sep-12 10:22:31

I'm happy to report that all my dgc save up for things.
In the case of the girls, it's usually clothes (13 yr old) baking equipment (10 yr old) and Lego or games for the eight yr old boy.
I always give them money which means I don't have to wrack my brain for gift ideas.

annodomini Fri 28-Sep-12 10:03:27

I was flabbergasted when, for the first time ever, I heard my 20-year-old GD use the word 'saving', last week. She has a goal to aim for and has asked for money for her 21st - she wants to go to the US to visit friends who are on placement there.

fadedglory Fri 28-Sep-12 09:42:01

Hi Harrigran

I think it's more a case of young people being complete strangers to the practice of saving. I did try to instil this in my children and failed utterly; both daughters borrowed heavily in their youth and didn't pass on thrifty notions to their children.
However at least one of my grandchildren saves regularly now and even one of my daughter's is coming round to the idea of putting a bit away.

But what a shame that interest rates are so abysmal !

harrigran Wed 26-Sep-12 10:55:46

I can't help but think that the next generation thinks we are all very wealthy pensioners, I really would never have dreamt of asking my parents or grandparents if I could borrow money from them. Not all pensioners have large private pensions or money in the bank.

absentgrana Wed 26-Sep-12 10:16:00

fadedglory But the discussions take place on the forum threads and they are then reflected in Being a Gran. confused

MaggieP Wed 26-Sep-12 10:09:56

Congratulations Greatnan on such a collection of Grandchildren and greats, they must have kept you busy over the years! I have just started reading this thread and its good to see such a variety of ages and comments.
I am a relatively new Granny with two small ones and DH and I derive much pleasure from our different 'status'! Older one at 5. 1/2 very excited to be coming "by my own" to stay at half term!
It's good to know there are the experienced ones whom we can call on for advice as ours grow older.....grin