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My Mother only wants to spend time with one of my sons

(20 Posts)
heidi86 Tue 02-Oct-12 15:33:58

Hi, Im looking for some advice, my mum has always had a problem with my childrens father. We havent spoken to each other for 6 months, through her own choice. It would not be this way if it was down to me. I have 2 sons, aged 4 and 21 months. For the whole past 6 months she has had little to do with my 4 year old and nothing to do with my youngest. She has asked to see my 4 year old a couple of times but not my youngest. The first time i allowed this but the 2nd time i wouldnt let her if she didnt have contact with both of my boys. Now she is going to a solicitor saying that i wont let her have contact with either. this is not the case, i just want her to see both of them and treat them equally. she has already admitted to my grandmother that she didnt bond with my youngest the same way as my oldest son. In the past we have had disagreements about my childrens father, but i have never ever stopped her seeing the boys because she has always treated them the same and fairly. Now all of a sudden she doesnt want anything to do with my youngest. Her reasons for not having him are that she doesnt have the time to have them both, she works part time, saturday is her house cleaning day, her new puppy is dangerous to be around the youngest and that she wouldnt spend enough time with her husband because he only has one day a week, on a sunday, to spend time with her at home. Her husband has always been like a grandfather to my children as my real dad lives abroad. What i have suggested is that she takes both of the children to an activity center, away from the puppy, and instead of wasting time and money on a solicitor, spend that time and money on the boys. Before we stopped speaking she had brought both the boys some new clothes but then refused to let them have them so that my partner and I didnt benefit. I dont need her charity, both boys go without nothing, but i think most of this is through her own pettiness and spite at me for not picking a partner that she thinks is suitable. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated as I would like to know what can be done to stop it going as far as solicitors, courts etc as i dont want my boys or myself to go through all of this. Thank you in advance smile

Greatnan Tue 02-Oct-12 15:56:19

I don't think she has any chance of winning in court, as you are not being uneasonable and she cannot claim that you are unsuitable parents.
Frankly, I don't know why you want her to see either of your children, as she sounds nasty and spiteful. I certainly would not allow any favouritism as it could sour the children's relationship with each other. Sometimes it is better to cut your losses in a relationship.

heidi86 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:10:11

She is spiteful and has done some pretty nasty things in the past to try and get at my partner which always puts me in an awkward position. Im 26 and Ive been with my partner for nearly 9 years, we've had a lot of ups and downs, but we've always worked our problems out and remained a family. I used to make the mistake of telling her our problems, as i thought i could trust my own mother but instead she uses these things against me, saying that ive said this about him etc. She has her own colourful past which is always forgotten when mentioning my own mistakes and my partners, but i just let things go because i dont like holding grudges, especially with my own family. I do agree with you about letting her see either of the children but i feel like she is their grandmother and my 4 year old did used to have a really good relationship with her and my step father. he doesnt even mention her now and my youngest recently just walked straight past her at her own 50th birthday party that my grandmother took the children too. All family members were invited except me so i didnt see this myself but i can imagine my youngest spent all his time with MY grandparents as they see our children daily even at the ages of 76 and 73. Its just heartbreaking really for all involved

JO4 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:13:56

Oh, take the easy way and let her have the four year old on his own. Or just turn up on the doorstep one Sunday afternoon with both of them.

If you were there you could make sure the dog kept away from them. (That's the thing I'd be worried about!).

She wouldn't have any chance with a solicitor. hmm

Wouldn't worry about it if I was you.

heidi86 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:16:19

Im not allowed in her house so i cant be there to keep the dog away or to just turn up on her doorstep. Wish I could though, would make this whole situation easier :/

annodomini Tue 02-Oct-12 16:41:48

heidi, if she won't have you or your partner in her house, why on earth should you trust her with one or both of your children? She sounds quite capable of turning them against you.

heidi86 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:51:30

Oh i know shes more then capable of that, she tried to do it with me and my own dad. I guess i just feel its immoral to stop my children from seeing their grandmother sad

JO4 Tue 02-Oct-12 16:58:15

Are you sure she would really turn you away? You could bake a nice cake for her and hold it out in front of you so she sees it. That might soften her up. It would be worth a try.

heidi86 Tue 02-Oct-12 17:02:36

I could try it, and i would. the last time she had my oldest son, i dropped him off and got the door shut in my face before i even had chance to say goodbye to him properly.

JO4 Tue 02-Oct-12 17:04:06

Wel,l hang on to him! Say "Hello. We've all come to visit". With a big smile.

JO4 Tue 02-Oct-12 17:04:36

that should be 'well,' there

Ana Tue 02-Oct-12 17:07:06

Oh, that is so unfair! Tell her you're fed up of playing games and that unless she behaves reasonably she won't be seeing either of the children. Call her bluff about the solicitor - she probably knows she doesn't have a leg to stand on. I know she's your mother, but she's bullying you and you need to stand up for yourself and your children. Good luck!

JO4 Tue 02-Oct-12 17:23:25

Best to try the nice way first.

Ana Tue 02-Oct-12 17:28:13

Well, yes, my suggestion was assuming all else had failed.

heidi86 Tue 02-Oct-12 17:30:08

Trust me I have tried the nice way, ive put up with 9 years of this, it got worse when my first son was born. I know she has the right to be concerned about my children, but right now i feel like she isnt putting them first, just herself and this silly argument. All i keep hearing is grandparents rights but surely she has to be a stable positive member of our sons lives for those rights to be enforced. Actually i dont even want it to go down that route at all, but i feel the olive branch has been given to her one too many times and like Ana said, i feel its time i stood up to her properly and make it clear she wont walk all over my sons the same way she has me.

Stansgran Tue 02-Oct-12 18:35:49

why not all of you keep away from each other? absence makes the heart grow fonder. Just keep busy and keep the boys busy and then invite her over for a nice Sunday roast with her husband and your partner to celebratesomething special-make up a reason but stay out of each others hair for a good month.

HildaW Tue 02-Oct-12 19:27:59

Oh heidi86, it all sounds pretty dreadfull. What ever happened to a parents unconditional love? Put some space between you for a while, your children should not really become pawns in her mind games.

tattynan Tue 02-Oct-12 20:56:09

Oh Heidi I dont like saying this but your mother sounds awful. Has she always treated you like this from childhood or is this behaviour a recent occurance.I remember my mum went a bit like this during her menopause but changed back to her normal self once she'd been through that. I think you should keep your distance for now and just enjoy your life on your terms.Good luck.

Sue162 Tue 02-Oct-12 21:05:27

Hi Heidi, this is dreadful. I went through thirty seven years of misery trying to appease my stepmother and it is the biggest regret of my life that I did not stand up to her. I agree with the others. Stay silent and away from her for a month or so. That way she can't play her nasty little games, you get a break from the hassle and there is a chance that she might realise she isn't going to win unless she behaves more reasonably. I don't think in this situation you have anything to lose. Oh, but I do feel for you. sad

heidi86 Wed 03-Oct-12 08:31:20

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have stayed away and kept quiet so as not to add fuel to the fire. And things have been quiet between us since we stopped speaking. My granny spoke to my mum a while ago after 3 or 4 months of her not seeing the children and that's when all this started, I think she started feeling guilty. One of her arguments is that I let my other nana have the boys individually, but she's 76 and I don't feel it's fair to leave a lady of that age with two boisterous brothers smile my mother has always been this way, and growing up we used to have fairly nasty arguments. She criticises pretty much everything I do as a parent, although my upbringing was far from normal after my dad left. She just tries to control everything, even to the extent of telling her own parents not to help me an my partner out with anything. My grandad used to take my oldest to nursery and she would complain and say make them walk, baring in mind my sons nursery was a good mile away and he was only 2 when he started nursery. Nobody dares tell her anything because it causes such big arguments. I shall wait to see if I hear anything from a solicitor and take it from there I guess. The saddest thing of all is that my dad lives miles and miles away in Florida and would love to have all of us just around the corner like my mum does. He doesn't understand because my mum only has one child and this is how she acts. Life's too short!