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To expect someone to change a routine once in a while.

(28 Posts)
Nelliemoser Mon 29-Oct-12 15:20:05

To expect DH to give up some activities once in a while to visit newish GS a couple of hours away. DH has only 3 spare half days a week as he has fully booked himself with day and evening activities. So at 1:30pm today he announced he might try to visit this afternoon. (No previous discussion with DD.)

SIL now back at work and I want to try to give them weekends free.

Weekends could be an option but DH has many of themfilled as well. It’s ok going for a day trip but a bit much for just an afternoon.

My suggestion was to try another day when all he has on is a 2hr individual sporting activity he could give up without missing anything much. But no, that could not be given up!

I have been over to visit on days that suit me, but as he won’t give up any of these activities even for this I am not putting myself out.

Yes! It’s being childish but after years of this problem gradually increasing I can’t be bothered anymore. I can’t see a solution.

Some suggestions please!

Ana Mon 29-Oct-12 15:24:32

You're certainly not being unreasonable, Nellie, but as your DH^is^, I'd say just keep going to visit your GS on your own. In fact, don't even bother to tell him you're going....wink

kittylester Mon 29-Oct-12 15:37:25

...and, don't leave him food. wink

Mishap Mon 29-Oct-12 15:42:12

Just go!
Now and again my OH expresses some reluctance about turning out to go and see the GC - to be fair he is unwell and they can be pretty lively. I leave it to his choice. Just because we see the GC as a priority does not necessarily mean they do in the same way. It's his loss as he will nto develop the same relationship with them as you will - but his life, his choice.

granjura Mon 29-Oct-12 15:52:09

As they said - just go... and please, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO guilt - enjoy.

janeainsworth Mon 29-Oct-12 16:33:02

nellie I'm not excusing your DH in any way, but I do think that men don't have quite the same feelings for newborn babies as women do, even when they're their own flesh and blood! Give him a bit of time and when your DGS is toddling about and talking he may feel differently.
Just go by yourself, enjoy it, and leave him to get his own dinnersmile
I do know of women whose husband is the bane of their life because they have
no interests or hobbies and expect to be amused all the time.

petallus Mon 29-Oct-12 19:03:40

I wouldn't like it if my DH was so booked up with solo activities he didn't have time to do things with me, including visiting the GC.

petallus Mon 29-Oct-12 19:04:36

So no in my opinion you are definitely not being unreasonable. Possibly too reasonable.

JessM Mon 29-Oct-12 20:07:24

Just what I was thinking jane
Maybe he feels like the proverbial spare wotsit at a wedding around babies?

jO5 Mon 29-Oct-12 21:24:30

Do these other activities involve people relying on him? That's how it is with my DH. He can never "let people down". Not even for family! hmm

I have to give at least a week's notice if a family event happens on one of his 'other activities' days.

merlotgran Mon 29-Oct-12 21:31:35

I don't have any problems with DH and his activities because he can no longer escape drive grin

harrigran Mon 29-Oct-12 22:10:28

My DH would be long gone by now if he showed so little interest in GC. I am assuming that your DD is also his DD, if she is not could explain a lot. When our GC were tiny babies I virtually had to rugby tackle DH to get to cuddle them, I think he thought they were his grin

Ana Mon 29-Oct-12 22:46:18

I think your DH may be unusual in that, harrigran! I don't know many men of my generation who would even volunteer to hold a baby, let alone cuddle one! grin

harrigran Mon 29-Oct-12 22:58:01

He is from a very large family, always been exceptional with children. DH took leave from work to help me look after family when GC were born. He was a new man before the term was invented. I may be spoilt but I thought all husbands put themselves out for their family hmm

janeainsworth Mon 29-Oct-12 23:00:34

Not spoilt Harri, but very fortunatesmile

Jodi Mon 29-Oct-12 23:03:03

Agree with those who say just go.....on your own.....without telling him....leaving no meals...but leaving your mobile behind.............and stay for several days grin

Jodi Mon 29-Oct-12 23:04:20

PS .....on Christmas Eve!

Nelliemoser Tue 30-Oct-12 10:18:04

Thanks for your support. I enjoyed the points made!

Every so often I get the silly idea that it's me being inflexible in not waiting about or changing my plans etc.
I think that this sort of thing has happened so often that I am no longer prepared to compromise any more. The give and take that is supposed to be in a relationship would all be his one-sided take.

This has been going on for years in various ways. He does actually want to see GC but won't put off anything else. Mind you I think now that the event on Friday is really something musical that he failed to mention.

I do go off on my own quite a lot of out of sheer frustration. He is inevitably late for things so if we are supposed to be going together I have just gone on my own several times.

So many planned journeys have been delayed because "something needs doing" at the last minute and an early start usually turns out to be a very late arrival. I now put my foot down and suggest that I am going at xhrs and he can make his own way if not ready. The trouble is, I suspect it is still assumed that I am being unreasonable and this does not help an already rather sour relationship. Doing things together is not without stress. I stay now because the housing market is not moving.

gracesmum Tue 30-Oct-12 10:37:10

I think there is a deeper issue here (BTW I agree with all the others - you are NOT being unreasonable, but women's priorities are often different - family first and everybody else, including self, a long way down the list) However, to get back to what I was saying.......when some people retire they are terrified of the emptiness of their lives and need to establish a "routine" so that they don't feel adrift. Add into that mix, the increasing inflexibility of age and it can become toxic. My father in his latter years - OK he was in his late 80's and widowed - had a rigid routine each day and heaven help anybody who disturbed it! If I was driving up to visit,(7+ hours) I had to say exactly when I would be there and not coincide with meals. With hindsight I can see thatt it was his way of coping with living alone and without his routine he would have been lost as Mum, when she was alive, had organised everything for him.
When we work, we have a ready made pattern into which we slot our leisure activities and no one questions that, but when we have control of our own time, it can be hard.For instance, DD's FIL who is the loveliest man in every other respect, is a dedicated Notts County supporter to the point where when they were playing at home on Boxing day 2 years ago, he and DD's MIL wouldn't go over to them for Christmas. I find that hard to accept as I don't have anything in my life which is allowed to come before the family sad (not really) maybe I should? But that's Mums. So No you are not BU, but in his funny way, maybe he is understandable.

Grannylin Tue 30-Oct-12 11:38:51

Nellie I think grace has a point and there are other issues here- in fact your final remark is the clue!I sympathise completely having had to deal with the infuriating last minute delays, no shows etc.I can't really judge your situation but mine has become a power issue and its taken me a long time to realise that it's energy and time wasting to pander to their stupid ways.Do what men do....put him in a little box and allow yourself to flourish smile

Nelliemoser Tue 30-Oct-12 14:58:32

grannylin That sounds familiar. Its good advice.

gracesmum Yes I think there is point there about about retirement

jodi I am sorely tempted.

jane he was very good with own kids as babies, not so much when they were older.

I dont leave food unless its already leftovers.

This is one of those things that gets to me from time to time.
I know a few other couples who really enjoy doing things together which points out my position even more.
Thanks all!

Mishap Tue 30-Oct-12 15:05:17

Nellie - don't watch other couples doing stuff together and feel envious - that way lies misery! I know this scenario, and have learned to enjoy doing things with family and friends, and OH is happy for me to do this.

Every outing together involves lengthy persuasion and the shine goes out of it in the end.

We can only have what we can have, and there is always somone else who seems to have it better, but that is life.

OH is great in lots of other ways, so have to count those blessings.

JessM Tue 30-Oct-12 15:56:59

Wise words mishap the couple that do everything together are not necessarily enviable - you just cant tell on the outside looking in.
Not trying to diagnose or anything nellie but his behaviour does sound a bit obsessive-compulsive - I seem to remember that having to check things before leaving the house is a common type of compulsive behaviour. or does that only happen when he is going with you, and not when he wants to go to his own activities.

kittylester Tue 30-Oct-12 16:14:48

My husband is really good at doing family things but I do rather recognise the football bit gracesmum though it's Forest not County here. I have a wonderful photo from our eldest daughter's wedding (that's the football hating one!!) of DH, DS1, DS2, DD2 and DD3 squeezed into the car in the carpark of the hotel listening to Forest's first game of the season on the radio. Meanwhile DD1 wanted to have the speeches. grin

Nelliemoser Tue 30-Oct-12 22:26:10

JessM I stongly suspect Aspergers he acknowledges that as a strong possibilty but would never seek advice about it or acknowledge the impact it has on him either.
Thanks for all your support.