To not want to visit my Mother

Nightowl Your last sentence describes the thought I've carried in my mind since I became a mother.

Well said, nightowl - it's good to have all this feedback, and if it makes us think about our own attitude towards our children, so much the better. when's expectation of what her mother would have said if she'd told her parents she'd got her degree struck a chord with me!

Flickedy - you are so right. So many people condemn themselves to feeling guilty for the rest of their lives. We can only do our best, and if someone is difficult they are difficult and that is that.

I hope that the positive outcome from my problematical mother is that I think very hard about my role in my DDs' lives and my GCs' and try and make sure that it is a positive one. I cannot always succeed though and have to accept that.

Flick - perhaps you misread what I was trying to say. Never was my post written to make anyone feel guilty- but it was a question. If you look deep into your heart, and you can honestly say that you will feel OK after the departure of a parents, then that is fine. But is you feel that, despite your anger and disappointment, etc, - you may feel differently after they've gone, and regret not making more 'effort' in overcoming your anger, swallowing your pride and taking the first step, etc - then perhaps it would be best to try to mend things.
My comment was definitely NOT a statement of right or wrong.

English is not my mother-tongue, and it is not always easy to discuss such complex and deep issues in a language other than your own - perhaps this is why some of you sometimes misread what I am trying to say. I apologise for this.

Never would I say that a daughter should allow a mother to manipulate or hurt- but perhaps to find the courage to tackle those issues and try to resolve them, best you can, before it is too late. I've discussed this with many friends, and it is clear that those who managed to do this found it much easier to turn the page and go forth, after their mother's demise. On the other hand, one of my friend really tried to mend the relationship, gave it her very best shot, then gave up, as it was clear it was not going to happen. And she was fine with this too, because she had truly tried.

nightowl your last paragraph has given me food for thought!

granjura wise words.

PS I would never have known that English was not your first language.

I have spoken (moaned) at length about my mum but I totally agree that my attitude is definitely informed by NOT repeating my mums attitude and actions.

granjura I too am amazed that English is not your first language. Your posts are always so articulate.

My father was a very fair man - he showed the same complete lack of interest in all four of his children. He never attended a prize-giving or parents' night at my school and when my fiance asked for his permission for us to get married, as I was
18, his only reply was 'I don't care what you do but you are not living here'. He died when I was 18 and whilst I was sorry for my mother, who adored him for some reason, I could not pretend to feel any grief myself. He was a stranger.
My feelings towards my mother were completely different, but I have no regrets because I know I was a very good daughter, taking her on holiday every year until she was too demented, and ringing her every day even when I lived abroad. I never needed any financial or child care help from her - I just loved her.
I wonder if my estranged daughter will regret the way she has treated me if she should outlive me. Probably not, as her delusions are so strong that she believes she is completely in the right in spite of all the proof her daughter has given her that she is wrong. There is nothing I would not do to help her, but I have now accepted that every kind and loving act I have done throughout her life has been somehow twisted into something evil. Several of us know that not all bad mother-daughter relationships are the fault of the mother.

It is important to remember that trying to be open and deal with these problems can have a knock-on effect on others. I knew that if I tried to get across to my mum why I found visiting so difficult she would have found a way to blame my dad - that was the crux of the problem in the first place. I could not bear to be there and listen to her giving him grief - I could not have risked precipitating more hassle for him. Better to deal with the baggage than make his life harder.

An insightful comment Mishap! Yes, we have to be mindful of how our attempts to cope with/manage such relationships sit with other people. My siblings never really understood my distress about having a disinterested dad. Their response was to see me as being awkward, and I did become a rebellious teenager, but that motivated me for quite a few years, and later on they would be a little wary of me commenting to him about his behaviour. We buried all that years ago, and now we are close and appreciative of each other. I learned how to cope and they started to see that I was more patient about my difficult dad than they had given me credit for.

to all of you who've had difficult relationships with parents. It can indeed have far reaching effects as I've seen with my dd and her father.
I was so lucky to have devoted parents, who loved and supported me until they died.
I'm trying very hard to be just as loving and supportive to my children.

I have tried very hard never to say such wounding words to my family as my mother said to me. She was a good mother, and an affectionate one. I don't know what she had against me, but I think she was jealous of my education and perhaps of the fact that I had more in common with my father than I had with her - and, as a first child, I took up more of his attention than she liked. I never got on better with her than the time my dad had to go to Indonesia on business and dropped her off in Kenya to stay with me. We had a really good time together and all my friends thought she was great.

I had a lovely relationship with my mum. We enjoyed shopping trips together, and before my daughter was old enough for "girly chats", it was always mum,that I wanted to share any news with.
Sadly although mum is still alive, she has dementia and I can no longer do that
I feel sad for those of you that have never had a good relationship with your mum.

I think all of us have regrets about that which we did not do that we should have done. Usually these are little things, but even if they are big, after the event there is nothing you can do about it, beyond learning from experience, and if the undone action was appalling make some recompense by helping others as appropriate. Beating yourself up for the rest of your life may satisfy some sense of masochism, but usually means that you fail to see other occasions when you should act and dont because you never saw it.

My parents took being undemonstrative to a level seldom surpassed and now I am a Grandparent I realise that at times they would have loved to have been involved with their grandchildren more than they were but I failed to include them because they never said anything. There is nothing I can do about this now, however I am not undemonstrative and if I want copies of photos, to be present at some event in myDGCs lives or whatever I ask and if my DS says it is not possible I accept it,

Oh isnt this a thorny issue. My mother was not an easy person, but she did not have an easy life - brought up in Germany by strict Prussian father and truly cruel stepmother, she was then "the enemy" - a German in a small Scottish town right after the war, marrying a man whose first wife (the guilty party in their divorce, but nobody credited my Mum with any "innocence" in the relationshp. She had a dreadful time and was deeply damaged both by her upbringing and my father's benevolent neglect after they married. I never understood this and as I grew up I found our relationship suffocating s o couldn't wait to get away. Now I look back at the missed opportunites to make her life happier but I was so determined to be independent. I find myself thinking "what goes around comes around "- whenever I feel the DDs seem to busy for their old Mum. She was my mum, I inherited her genes, and I also would not like to be the person nobody wants to visit.

Ask her about her childhood, parents, growing up. That may be where the answers to why she is the person she is today - and it may be really, really interesting.

We can't turn the clock back, but learning from their mistakes perhaps we can make sure our own children and grandchildren enjoy our company. I do think that we owe it to our parents if we still have them not to put our own wishes first all the time, but show patience and compassion and make the effort if possible to rekindle the love that once was there. It is also possible that old age can change a person's personality and we should at least try to make allowances for "crabbed age". Oh dear, that's easy to say but I am speaking from the distance of having lost Mum 18 years ago and Dad 11. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Sometimes understanding why someone is like they are is not enough. I understood only too well where my mother's bitterness stemmed from - it did not make it any easier to live with.

Do you think that 'crabbed age' is avoidable?

As I've watched older relatives and friends age, many have started to be grumpier, pessimistic, negative. But others have managed to keep their optimism and sense of humour. And some of the latter have been those affected by arthritis and other painful, debilitating conditions, so it's not just physical deterioration that causes the change.
I'd hate to turn into one of those sour old biddies, so how can we ensure we don't?

It's an interesting point Nanadog. i don't think I'm becoming "crabbed" but I 've certainly become more outspoken about things I don't approve of - mainly in a "what are you going to do - shoot me?" sort of way. All things considered I think I'm staying pretty optimistic and I still find much of the world around me amusing - because what's the alternative?

Crabbedness!

I was 25 years old when my mother died at the age of 47, my father died four years previously at the age of 51. So I've lived 43 years with out them. Through my marriage, childen, divorce and illness. All times when I could have done with their moral support and a motherly cuddle. Whenever I have heard friends complain about their 'difficult' mothers I could scream. I know some mothers can drive people nuts, as the mothers of our generation are extremely old also cause a lot of problems with care and worry, I know some mothers are darn right nasty. But I'd give a day of rather difficult to most of my life without my mother.

I think I am as cheerful and optimistic as I have been all my life. I have not been afraid to speak my mind since I got divorced. I suspect that a lot of crabby old people were crabby middle-aged people! I suppose what might change is the need to be liked and admired by all and sundry.

I am sure that I am more tactful than I used to be. Once, I would open my mouth and (as my mum would put it) let my belly rumble, but now I am much more inclined to keep it shut and that is how it should be with the two younger generations. Well, I think so, anyway.