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to expect my dad to actually spend his disability benefits on some comforts?

(8 Posts)
frida Fri 30-Nov-12 17:40:05

Dad lives alone( widower) currently in hospital following minor op, needed pyjamas and slippers, I went to his house and it was really like a tip, sink full of dirty dishes, papers everywhere etc, so cluttered I couldn't find what I was looking for so went and bought him new stuff. I have tried several times in the past to either a) get him to tidy up, b)arrange a home help etc. He sends everybody away saying he can manage when it's obvious he cannot. He had a Care Manager but dismissed her too. I feel I have done all I can to help him.

Greatnan Fri 30-Nov-12 17:42:37

Unless he is not mentally capable, he can live as he likes. You have done all you can, just leave him to it.

Nonu Fri 30-Nov-12 18:01:00

Frida , if it makes him happy .

kittylester Fri 30-Nov-12 18:05:10

But keep an eye on things. Does he have dementia or any signs of it. My Mum did strange things for ages before we realised that there might be a problem. It's a worry though. flowers

Sook Fri 30-Nov-12 19:27:07

My Dad had to have his leg amputated but managed quite well while Mum was alive. Mum died suddenly and Dad did his best but it was obvious to all that he needed more help. NO! Dad refused point blank I did as much as my second pregnancy and a very active 18 month toddler would allow. This included cleaning making/changing bed taking washing home, sending hot meals via DH. It was a nightmaresad

Finally got Dad to agree to have the telephone moved within easy reach and arranged for meals on wheels.It lasted for one week, sadly he was admitted to hospital due to problems with circulation problems in his remaining leg, which was eventually amputated. He ended up in a care home and to be honest it was such a relief. He loved it there as he had day long company and it was near enough for me to visit often.

I would echo kittys advice and just keep an eye on him.

FlicketyB Fri 30-Nov-12 21:30:25

One of my uncles (I have an awful lot of them) struggled with depression after his wife died. He had a longstanding home help, who did far more than her paid duties but he drifted into self neglect, not eating and walking for hours everyday to fill time. He refused all suggestions for further help, meals on wheels, or moving to smaller more manageable accommodation but refused them all.

When finally catastrophe struck and he collapsed, physically and mentally, he was admitted to a psychiatric hospital to treat his depression and neglect. We agreed he should go into a care home on discharge, initially for a period of convalescence. Once there he settled so well and enjoyed it so much he stayed there until he died six years later. In that time I saw him happier than I had known him for a long time.

POGS Sat 01-Dec-12 18:13:40


I come at this from a different angle. It is not as easy as saying it's his choice and leave him alone to get on with it. It obviously is his choice but you are understandably concerned for your dads wellbeing and showing empathy in that direction.

I am lucky in that my father took full advantage of the Social Services when he left hospital 2 years ago. They were fantastic and the 'system' has worked very well for us. Had he not made full use of the'system' then I would be feeling exactly as you do. I would actually lay my cards on the table and tell him he is not living as you, or if I am not being too presumptive, your mother would want him to live. He is possibly a very independant person and I am sure embarrassed by the thought he needs help to look after himself. We have to remember he is of a generation where men were men, sometimes to the point of being downright obstinate in their thinking.

I don't think you can probably alter his mind but keep having a go and just maybe his being in for an operation is a good time to try and talk it over again with rational debate. Tell him you need an adault conversation with him and let him know you are not getting any younger and can only do so much but what you can do you will, because you love him. Remind him asking for help is not a sign of weakness, quite the contrary. Tell him bluntly he is upsetting you and you are only asking him to try for a while using a little back up and he can stop it at any time but agree a time line before he does. He will probably tell you to clear off and leave him alone but then that is exactly what you must do but at least you tried!

If he is in hospital there may be every chance they will try and get him to speak to Social Services before they release him as they are very keen to ensure patients safety before release. If they do get involved if he let's you and you might both find some common ground.

Do you have any siblings?

Good luck. flowers

Nelliemoser Sat 01-Dec-12 18:46:37

Its very difficult how old is he? I would suggest that you are far more worried about the state he is living in than he is.

As long as he is mentally capable of deciding what he wants there is not a lot you can do. It would be easier and more comfortable for you if he was somewhere safe and being looked after, but if he would hate that and it would make him very miserable he is better where he is in familiar surroundings.

Do not feel guilty, do what you can and keep offering help but in the end it is his decision. You are not responsible for the outcome of his decisions and if anything does happen you have to remember that it was what he wanted and he has taken those chances. I hope it does work out safely though.