To want to throttle my husband?

Will be thinking of you Hermia, let us know how you & hubby get on.

Good girl .

To the lovely Grans who have understood and made some hugely sensible suggestions and sent such lovely hugs - thank you. I see my counsellor again tomorrow, interestingly the fact that I am seeing a counsellor has had an effect. I think he realises how awful he has been and has made an effort this week to be less self-pitying and despondent. I will certainly go and see my GP and see what she advises. Meanwhile I am hugging myself and looking after me.

That's a really good link JessM I recognise a lot in it.

Smoking is as if not more addictive than banned drugs I am told-it is fantastic that your DH hermia is off tobacco-my DH stopped but suffers under stress wanting to smoke.If your DH hasn't gone back even with all the dreadful things happening it is probably a bigger plus than your realise. You need an enormous amount of support-as crimson said care for the carer is vital. Rally your family, friends, who may think that because the op is over and successful that it is all done and dusted and there are some very helpful people on Gransnet who have been thru' an awful lot and survived.

Link here about surviving myeloma and other cancers
www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/dec/10/my-stay-of-execution-from-cancer?CMP=twt_fd

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Hermia i'm sending you hugs, not my hubby, but my Dad was very much as you describe your hubby, as he was normally a very gentle quiet person, it was very hard when he went into these horrible tempers we later realised these temper sessions usually preceded a heart attack, apparently it is a very common symptom, so I would defo. go to your G.P. for advice. I do hope hubby will soon pick up and feel better, please take care of yourself too, I know how hard this is for you. Re. advice one thing that did help calm my Dad down believe it or not was doing some cross stitch, it took his mind off from thinking about his illness, maybe there is something similar that your hubby could do.

I totally sympathise, my first thought when my husband's myeloma was diagnosed was that he was totally the wrong person to cope with something like that. After three years he is doing very well physically but he has always been a depressive type and gets very bored and bad tempered and everything gets taken out on me! Haven't throttled him yet but you never know

Oh hermia how miserable for you. I agree worth discussing with GP. And i seem to remember that I did read somewhere that patients who had been in intensive care sometimes suffer post traumatic symptoms. Or maybe some nicotine patches or sleeping pills might cheer him up. Obviously not at all a happy bunny otherwise wouldn't be so grim to live with.
fonda good to hear from you on GN.

Hermia; I have a friend who was taken very ill last year with heart problems and one of the effects of his illness was depression and a lack of interest in things he had been interested in. He set himself targets and came through it but it sounds as though the illness put him in a very dark pace for a while. Which doesn't make it any easier for you, I know. Poorly people often make the people looking after them even more poorly so take care of yourself; as someone once said to me you can't look after others if you don't look after yourself. Your health an wellbeing is as important as his.

Its NEVER unreasonable to want to throttle your husband,.. It should be compulsory ha ha ;)

Hermia46 - I have every sympathy.

My husband nearly died two years ago when a cervical disc replacement went severely wrong and they cut his esophagus during surgery, stitched him up, and sent him home without realizing what they had done! To cut a long story short - he recovered (after month in hospital on feeding tube etc) but now suffers from Post Traumatic stress etc.etc. and is often in a very dark place. So, I often feel like throttling him and have reached breaking point many times, on top of which, he suffers from psioriatic arthritis which can be very debilitating.

So.....I have packed my bags twice and walked out......and to be honest this has helped him come to his senses on both occasions and there has been an improvement in his attitude and how he deals with his negativity. It would take an angel to be totally understanding and patient with some men who can feel so sorry for themselves, so sometimes drastic action does help.

I have also spoken to my GP about my husband and from this we arranged cognitive behavioural therapy for him (two sessions so far) and this has helped a little in how he thinks about his situation.

Going to the gym nearly every day also works for me. It gives me time to myself....I do body pump which helps relieve my own stress and then energises me to face another day with him. I know he feels stressed and very down......but I do know I owe it to myself to keep sane and fit as well!!!

And of course, the grandchildren keep me sane and on track, as do good friends who make me laugh, and now Gransnet where we can all share in our challenges.

Good advice granjura.

Hermia (((hugs)))

Make an appointment with your GP as if YOU are ill - then ask him/her for advice on how to deal with this. Maybe the doctor can send him an appointment for a follow-up check up - and bring the subject around - without hinting in anyway at the discussion you've had with her/him. You could ask your GP for another GP in the practice to see him- making sure you point out who you see for your visit - and bring that GP up to speed.

Good luck - I really hope things improve for you.

Oh Hermia I have no bright ideas, but feel your weariness and frustration. All I can do is send a ((hug))

I rarely post on Gransnet, but love reading all the sensible advice given lovingly by contributors. I am at my wits end with mine; he had a serious heart problem diagnosed in late September, had open heart surgery done at Papworth in October, stopped smoking immediately prior to the op - after 45 years of the habit - has made a superb recovery from the surgery, but......stopping smoking withdrawal symptons is causing emotional and psychological havoc. Plus because he could not sleep in bed (usual psychological outcome of heart op) for the first 4 weeks, sleeping in an easy chair has caused cubital tunnel syndrome (both arms in severe pain with trapped ulnar nerve) The total outcome is a husband who is pretty well impossible to live with. Tetchy, bad tempered - I got told to (swear word) off last Friday at 05.30 am when he had blundered into the bedroom in search of clothes so he could walk the dog up the garden. I am exhausted physically and emotionally with looking after him. He swings between unreasonable and bad tempered and tears and huge apologies.

I am getting professional counselling, started last week, I think he needs help as well. Any ideas super Grans?

Gally -

I know how you feel ladies - I often felt the same - positively murderous at times - when I had a husband.
In his absence this year, I shall continue to do what I've always done - buy and wrap all the presents and write all the cards - plus ca change! However, I have actually bought a present to me from me - an iPad which is still in its box as I can't quite find the courage to read the instructions. He wouldn't have bought me such a present as I was probably too "technologically challenged"" to use it - perhaps he was right after all but I do miss him warts and all so don't complain too much!

oh yes deeda the joy of giving.

Laundry basket blindness seems to be a male dominant inheritable gene!

I also have the what do you want? problem JessM only our version is that I drop some fairly heavy hints about something I would really like. He then tells me I can't have something I've asked for as it won't be a "surprise" we also have the same list of not proper presents so I risk having to be grateful for something I don't want, which cost more than I wanted him to spend. His version of recycling is to leave stuff round the kitchen because "I don't know where it goes" dirty plates are left on top of the dishwasher and dirty clothes on the floor, because he can't seem to find the laundry basket.

I wouldn't like to say I could throttle mine but I wish I could train him to load the blasted dishwasher properly and clear 'HIS' rubbish away.

Just can't train the poor old soul. Too late now for a new model I'm well past my sell by date.

Mine is pretty easy but this weekend he is, very slowly, xmas shopping online and doing his tax docs. This means he is spending most of the weekend at the top of the house, at his computer, listening to music and getting distracted. Just tried to do something up there but the process involves multiple, long phone calls with his sisters about various people's xmas wants. So and so really wants everybody to club together to buy her expensive earrings, so who is going to choose them etc etc
And then there is the distraction factor "Jess did you know that Amazon sell..."
It all makes me feel queasy the frantic present buying.
And the "what do you want from" - we have already established the ground rules - I am "not allowed" to say: nothing, oxfam goat, book, token or walking socks as these are not proper presents.
Next weekend and the weekend after could easily descend into a very slow packing fest. Note to self - I may not do his family shopping (there are about 15 immediate family members and the year we got married I drew a line in the sand and said - your family, your shopping) but I will get him little gift bags to avoid the painful one hour per present wrapping activity.
Grumble over. I should not complain really.

They`re very fussy round here about the blue recycling bins. They once left ours not emptied, when I rang to complain, it was because I hhad unwittingly put polystyrene packaging in there, and it`s not allowed.
My hubby doesn`t do anything around the house, which is why it was so nice (at the time) when he offered. He says he`s retired now, when do us slaves get to retire?