To just be calm and neutral

I'm with you Bags, I mainly ignore it which is fairly easy as I live alone.

I've had years of rushing round doing everything so now I sit back and watch my family having their turn!

I get anxious.

I think it's because I'm afraid of hard work letting people down.

I used to dislike Christmas but then I decided to try and put some quality into my experience of it, both by changing my behaviour and my attitude.

It worked.

I'm irrationally and totally unreasonably sad because my 3 big boys live abroad/miles away and I don't get to see them anymore over the actual christmas holiday, and spend the actual day with my lovely partner and his delightful big daughters, their lovely husbands and adorable 2 year old - there you are , told you I was being totally unreasonable!!!!!!!!

That's the trick bags. I'm getting there.
Ah storynanny there are lots of us who are far away from out kids and Gkds.
Christmas does just remind us. I have to try not to dwell on the fact that few of my ILs ask about my family over xmas or ever acknowledge that it must be a little sad for me. No point wishing for things you ain't gonna get.

Sounds as if it's the IL questions that get to you most, jess . I can understand that. Any chance your DH could have a quiet word with them about that and ask them to desist? Might be worth a try.

I get anxious too. It's a lot of pressure for just a couple of days a year and I'm always glad when I've got safely through it.

petallus I made up my mind to do that this year. I seem to have wandered off-plan a bit. Must get back to it.

Would you believe I've been cleaning windows this morning? Can't put decs up with grubby windows can I? Yes actually!!!!!

NO bags its the fact that they don't ask - as in "Have you managed to speak to your grandchildren?" or "Where are your sons for xmas?" Nada. Makes me feel just a teeny bit little like a non person. Lurking in the category that is neither family nor guest. But it does not make me majorly downcast and I try to just fit in and ignore their foibles. I was just empathising that it is not always a barrel of laughs being a hanger on in someone else's xmas and having to fit in. But we do.

This thread reminds me of why I stopped doing "it" It was the stress thing.
I would start buying pressies in October and keep looking at them and saying " oh that won't do" and go and buy something different.
I always had people staying, so I would continuously have menues going through my head for the days they were there.
And then don't forget the house had to be perfect (it's a Virgo thing) So I just stopped and did charity work over Xmas. And then friends started joining in and we all said it was the best time we ever had at Xmas.

It's good that that worked for you, petra, but I don't think DD & Co. would ever speak to me again....

A few years ago I had my Christmas meal with the S.O's family and I mentioned that my daughter was pregnant. I got a muted reponse [which was to be expected; I'm not blaming them] but, in that instance I realised that I didn't actually belong there and that, if the S.O. and I split up I would be history [again understandable]. And that, my kids, grandchildren, ex and his family were all together and I wasn't there. And that, to me is the essence of Christmas; being with the people that you belong to and they belong to you. And when it doesn't happen you can't ignore the sadness; no matter how brave a face you're putting on, open someone up like a stick of rock and inside will be a core of sadness.

Maybe they avoid asking because they know your feelings will be a bit fragile on that subject, jess.

Yes, I realise I'm probably being annoying (!), just trying to put a positive slant on it, because I actually don't like being asked what my daughters are doing at Christmas if they aren't with me! So I think I'd be fine with ILs who didn't ask. Hey ho, we're all different.

petra, I like your approach

crimson, please may I disagree? My view is that if you don't make Christmas a big deal, then it actually doesn't matter if you aren't with loved ones at that particular time of year. For me, Christmas Day is just another day. I do what I can to make it special for any children I might be with on that day, but that's as far as I go. I'm perfectly happy for my relatives to be doing their own thing elsewhere. DD1 and partner, for instance, just want to have a quiet day at their own house with their son; they don't want over-excitement (e.g. grandparents fizzing around) and all the down side that goes with that. I think they are wise.

Yes we are indeed bags, quite various in our emotions.

petra I'm on the cusp of Virgo (just on the end Libra). I've got a lot of Virgo tendencies.

funny how it seems to work!

jingle hey take it easy kid! You'll go into a decline if you overdo it.
I trust you only cleaned the inside so that you can see out but people can't see inany.

Should be in!

How's the packing going, jeni? [ducks quickly]

See what I've done today thread!

Well, Christmas isn't going to b a big deal anyway because I'm probably not having a meal with my kids, possibly not seeing my grandchildren and doing the same on Boxing Day knowing that all of my 'family' are together in the way that I was ten years ago. I've only got Christmas day off work and Boxing Day [which is a Wednesday and my day off anyway]. I'm not with loved ones for the rest of the year either [regarding my ex in laws as the only family I had and I miss them terribly], so, actually Christmas is no different to any other day. I do reserve the right to feel sorry for myself, though [it's my Christmas present to me from me]. The difference on Boxing Day compared to every other day of the year is that I know they are all together. I wish them well and I rejoice in their happiness but I can't pretend that I don't want to be there with them.

crimson We all have our own issues to deal with and all deal with them in our own ways.

The only people who know how I feel are the people on this forum.I will become 'Eleanor Rigby' as usual when dealing with 'the real world'.