To just be calm and neutral

crimson I think that you put it very well when you said "and that to me is the essence of Christmas; being with the people that you belong to and they belong to you"

That just about sums it up

I understand too you saying that the only people who know how you truly feel are the people on this forum

And that goes for everyone who will be alone at Christmas, or who will not be with the ones they love best at Christmas for whatever reasons.

Thanks Nanadog; I'm also terribly aware that my pain is nothing to your pain which makes your understanding mean even more.

crimson (((((hugs)))))

Christmas is special to me because it contains some of the best choral music ever written - I could just sit and listen to carols all day. Never mind all the rest of the stuff!

Oh yes; carols are beautiful. Maybe this is the year that I do actually get to midnight mass [something I've planned to do for years!].

Many of the posts on this thread have resonated with me. I need to say first of all that I know I don't get involved as I should and I lurk and only post when I feel inclined, which is selfish. And now I need support, which some might say I don't deserve.

My younger DS lives about a mile away with his wife and children. My elder DS is going to spend Christmas with his wife's family, over a hundred miles away, and I've been invited to join them, which will mean two train journeys, carrying or dragging quite a lot of luggage, and the price of the train ticket. (I've been the victim of a con artist, as some of you may remember from the betrayal thread.)

When I asked my younger DS what they were doing for Christmas, he said they wanted to be on their own, just family. Last week I met my DIL's mum, who also lives nearby, and learnt that she is spending Christmas with her DD and my DS's family. I can't help wondering: if her, why not me?

I'm finding it hard to understand why I can't stay in my own home and just spend the day with younger DS. I'm not able to ask them outright - just temperamentally unable. I see them fairly regularly and there isn't any sign of animosity. I'm very happy to be with the other family, but I have seen them recently too.

It just seems odd to me that as a 76-year-old mum and granny, I'm not automatically included in the family that lives on my doorstep.

I've realised that the only way to see myself through this is to 'keep calm and carry on', without question or complaint of any kind. If I turned into a whingeing gran, they would have a very good reason for not including me.

Even now, considering the anguish of the families in Connecticut, and what some you are also having to endure, my situation seems trivial, but hurt is hurt and has to be coped with somehow.

Just another thread in the tapestry of life, and writing this has helped.

Daisy, is it possible that your elder DS told his brother that you were included in his in-laws' invitation for Christmas and that he thought it was a done deal?

Isn't it strange that we can't just ask an outright question to those closest to us? Hang on; am I right in thinking that your son, who wants to spend Christmas 'alone' with his family includes his MIL?

Perhaps younger DS believed that as you would be with elder DS, he would indeed be spending Christmas quietly with his family - then DIL suggested asking her own mother.

Have you mentioned in conversation to elder DS what an expensive hassle it will be? He might volunteer to meet you halfway or help with the train fare. He must know all about the con artist.

An alternative would be to tell them that you have decided that you really cannot manage such a journey at that time of year, cumbered with all the luggage and presents, and invite one or other of your sons and his family to come to you on Boxing Day. You could phone them on Christmas Day (Skype if possible) from the comfort of your own sofa.

I am sad to read the stories of those who will be unhappy about their Christmas and send you all a hug. Sometimes we are all so busy with our own arrangments that we forget how hard it is for others. I wish I knew the right thing to say but I don't so can only tell you I am sorry about it all.

You are totally right to take Christmas calmly and 'neutrally'.

For me that's always been almost impossible - as my parents always came for 2 weeks every year. and I worked full-time to the last minute.

Recently, it's been the other way round, daughters and grand-children, sil and family, all coming over here, again for 10+ days. Very different to rellatives visiting for a day or two - but when you live so far away- the only alternative.

This year, for the first time, we will be on our own- so pretty chilled out, and yet sad grand-children won't be with us. Roll on half-term - and our visit to other daughter in Tenerife early Jan.

How can you possibly just "let it happen"?

You wouldn't have a Xmas if you did that.

Bags, go clean the house, put up the paper chains, marzipan and ice the cake, wrap the presents, worry if you've got it right, buy the tree, decorate it, sort the shopping list, make the mincepies and sausage rolls, write and post the cards, and do it all in the next seven days. Like the rest of us.

Oh look. I've put my jobs list online. [fhamm]

Nah, cannae be fashed .

We did go up the hill yesterday and 'rescue' a small spruce that had seeded itself in an inconvenient place among the native trees.

Cannae be fashed? I'm going to remember that one, might come in useful

grannylin I'm going to add it to my list of reply's it's a gem

Aww. Your little spruce sounds really nice.

WTF are you gonna be doing for the next week?!

Making a gingerbread house and nelliemoser's Berliner brot. I've ordered a leg of lamb (turkey-haters' alternative). What more could anyone want?

DD can do the decs.

Oh, those were the days...sigh...(DD doing the decs)

Today I will take my fake (but convincing) mini tree out of my Christmas drawer and disentangle the lights. I know it's just for me this week as I'll be away for The Big Day, but it wouldn't be Christmas without a bit of decoration. Besides, I am having visitors for New Year, so must make the place look welcoming.

You make me laugh sometimes Jingle and I agree baggy should hop to it. I wanted to make my Christmas pudding and take it on the plane to Brisbane but might have to make it when I get there on Friday. I love my pudding and Creamy Brandy sauce on Christmas Day, even in hot humid weather.

I never let the kids anywhere the decs!!!!

Well, they made the Blue Peter ones. Happy days! [fnostalgia]

Bags it is a tempting prospect, but jingl has got it right - it's not Christmas if it's calm and neutral. The year I couldn't "find" my internet order on Ocado was one year I panicked, got onto Ocado and put in another order. 4 days before Christmas it arrived (whew!) The next morning, there was a ring at the door and the man from Waitrose deliver stood there with you've guessed haven't you? Shopping order - not ordered from Ocado in the first place which was why I hadn't been able to find it. We had food throught o the end of January and I could have opened a village shop.