I sat and read this thread from beginning to end and believe me it took quite a while! I wasn't going to post anything but I have been reflecting onsome of the issues raised here and I would like to offer an alternative viewpoint.
What I say comes from a positive place and in the spirit of giving an objective viewpoint.
I think that this thread has become quite unhealthy to a certain degree. There is a lot of enabling going on, which includes supporting negative behaviours and thought patterns that are unhelpful and unlikely to yield any long term positive progress. I applaud those posters who tried to point this out earlier and were met with hostility. The viewpoint that 'you don't know the pain I'm in and therefore cannot comment' is quite an interesting reaction to any challenge to group thinking, which seems to have developed here. It's ironic that this is the feeling that seems to be destroying a lot of the child/grand parent relationships, the child says 'I'm hurt and angry at events in my childhood and you cannot comment because you don't really know what it was like for me'. Rather than saying 'give me your viewpoint, tell me how you feel' the responder reacts with anger/denial.
Whilst there are those who are suffering, it does seem to have been taken to a whole new level that has backed them into a corner. Unhelpful phrases like 'nice daughter', 'nasty son in law' demonstrated a clear distortion in thinking. Labels are unhelpful in moving forward. It suggests a 'horns and halos' approach, which is extremely unhealthy and demonstrates irrational thinking. It's also quite divisive as well, suggesting that as long as the offspring is doing what you want then they are good, any challenge to that is then labeled negatively. Whilst you might think this approach is only restricted to this forum this mode of thinking spills unconsciously into your behaviour and relationships outside and may cause further issues. One poster suggested that their child splitting up with their partner would be the only way they would get them back. Apart from the fact that the child is not a possession to be passed back (they are a functioning human being with their own autonomy)the fact is that 'child' has chosen to be with that person and there are boundaries to that relationship that need to be respected. Getting involved in marital disputes by taking sides is always a recipe for disaster, however tempting it may be. By doing this you are showing your true feelings about the other person and therefore if they reconcile you are left with an uncomfortable truth that is like an elephant in the room.
There are clearly posters on here who have suffered a terrible rejection that they are struggling to come to terms with as best they can. However, there are others who seem to be perpetuating a conflict because they are unwilling to concede anything and seem to have more of a desire to be right than to be reunited with their children and grandchildren. Using pseudo psychological diagnoses to justify a position is incredibly unhelpful. Psychological diagnoses is best left to the experts rather than banded around to justify our viewpoint and make ourselves feel better. Whether false memories or not, the other person is clearly in pain. Also it must be pointed out that two people can go through the same experience and have completely polarised viewpoints on whether it was damaging or hurtful. You might think that nothing was wrong but the other person clearly does. It takes a lot of courage to face up to past mistakes and behaviour and some people seem unwilling to do this, whether its because its just too painful to admit any level of accountability or just 'a head in the sand approach' only you can tell. That's not to say your daughter or son doesn't have a part to play, it's just very unrealistic and self serving to assume its all one sided. If it is professionally diagnosed as not being an accurate recollection then it may point to another issue that needs to be addressed: suppressed anger or repressed memories. What I'm saying is it could be a red flag to something else and should therefore not be trivialised and dismissed.
If your son or daughter communicates with you, please do not throw it back and see it as a way of point scoring. However hurtful the comments, think about the pain they are feeling underneath and in some cases the courage it took to send that email. Isn't it worth getting through the pain and discomfort to see your family again? Consider the alternative if you don't.
For those who have been truly cut off, I really do feel for you. It must be awful. I hope that some peace can be found so you can heal.
How do you acknowledge Easter.
Mothers Day - interested in opinions