husband visiting his mother

Is there something going on between you and DH regarding how much television is watched or how much time is spent on the laptop?

Oh glutenfreegran your MIL is in no way unusual. I get emotional blackmail all of the time, sometimes I manage to rise above it, sometimes not. Some gransnetters will remember my recent dilemma about going on holiday. My DH and I hadn't had a holiday in years and all I wanted was for my mum to say "yes you must go, have a nice time". Instead I was like a naughty child who was literally terrified of telling her that I was going (sad isnt it?). My gran expects me to drop everything to go and get her some bananas! You couldnt make it up.She knows exactly what she is doing too. She is a minx. Like your MIL she often says things like "I would love to go to XXXX, but no-one will take me". I do agree with gracesmum that a compromise is probably the best only solution. Good luck.

That should have read "over the years" - I have no idea where the extra consonants came from!

Oh dear, I am going to ruffle feathers, because, much as I appreciate how you have had to take second place to MIL over the yewatrs, she is now presumably of an age and if my DS and DIL lived 30 mins away I would hope to see them once a week - especially if my memory was starting to go. How about a compromise? You go over on a weekday one week and he goes the other week. If he only works 4 days a week he could go on his free day, or you/he could bring her over to you. Perhaps he is under her thumb, but why must Saturday be your "special" day especially now you have retired? I am afraid I fear a power struggle here and frankly if ti came to that it looks as if his mum would win - so compromise . We'll all be old one day and possibly alone.

Thank you gillybob I meant that I didn't at first realize he was going every Saturday. You are right that it is emotional blackmail and she is very good at it. We are going on a holiday at the end of October and when it is mentioned she goes on about how she would love to go there and she doesn't suppose she ever will. She was probably used to FIL doing things for her but she was younger than me when she was widowed and didn't try then. She hasn't cooked me a meal since I was diagnosed as coeliac 27 years ago as it is too difficult!

Sorry Glutenfreegran My mistake. I thought that when you said "it soon became apparent.........." you meant that he was covering up his visits.

I wonder how your DH would react is you asked him outright not to go? Perhaps he is being emotionaly blackmailed (as I often feel that I am) which will make it very hard for him to say no. It would seem your MIL is using your DH to fill in the Saturday gap in her busy diary which is unfair. The very hard thing for you is going to be persuading your DH that this is the situation. Again apologies for misinterpreting your OP.

Kittylester on my way to soop's kitchen! I have gone on my own but some recent incidents have really annoyed me and I find it hard. Also I have shoulder and arm problems which mean that driving for much more than 10-15 minutes can cause me problems. Last Xmas we invited her to come to us and she gratefully accepted whilst playing the lonely older person saying how she would have been on her own otherwise.
2 weeks later she said she had forgotten that BiL had invited her before we asked her so she would be going there. Then when she came to us at New Year she went on about how SiL sets a beautiful table etc.

BiL invited her to have a few days in his work flat in London and my son took her to the station to show her what to do. BiL was supposed to bring her back but decided he had something else to do so she came back on the train by herself but rang DH at work as she said she didn't know how to get out of the station(there are ticket barriers) and he had to leave work to get her which as the work situation is a bit iffy at the moment was not good.

She is showing signs of memory loss which doesn't help but if I suggest it to DH although he does seem to accept some of what I say he comes back a little later with a dig about my memory (which winds me up as my mother had dementia).

gillybob he never covered up his visits. I have never said he shouldn't visit I just feel Saturday is our day and his mother is indeed very capable i.e she goes into the city every week, does her own shopping, goes for coffee with a friend, goes to a craft evening with a neighbour etc.

When we were first married she and FIL would appear at our house about once a week and take DH for fish and chips and to the pub and I would be left babysitting.

When I was visiting my mother in hospital for nearly a year and then my father he got annoyed and told me I was never there. We only run one car and really need one where we live.

His father worked away for quite a time from when DH was about 12 and he took on his father's role doing decorating etc. I feel she sees his place as replacing his and she was always very resentful of me although she has now rewritten history although she told my daughter I was too independent.

I guess I am worried as to what will happen as assuming she is as fit as her sister it will be an issue for many years. We have talked of getting a motorhome when DH retires but he keeps stalling and I can't imagine him going away for any length of time. We had children early but then had a later one so I have spent most of my adult life child raising and I would like to do things before I am too old.
Thank you for your responses

Big difference I can see gillybob is that you are doing it because of their specific circumstances and it would be unreasonable of your DH to complain. It strikes me that glutenfreegran's MiL is just yanking her son's strings.

Some straight talking, as opposed to non-talking is required, I feel and compromise on both sides. Could you go to see your MiL on alternate weeks and DH go on his own another time? Or, dare I say it, now you are retired could you go on your own sometimes?

By the way I'm GF, too. There is some lovely GF clementine cake in soop's kitchen at the moment if you're quick.

No not unreasonable. Give and take is surely part of being married and your MIL does not sound housebound or vulnerable.

Oh dear glutenfreegran I do sympathise but can see both sides. I have lost count how many times (thousands probably) I have had to leave my DH mid meal, mid walk, mid sleep etc. to dash out to my grandma or my mum (both of who live only a few miles away). He is very patient and understands the predicament I find myself in and although he probably does get p*ssed off at times he never puts me in the position of choosing. I often wonder what I would be like if the shoe was on the other foot? I do hope I would understand.

One thing that sticks out in your post is that your DH felt the need to cover up his visits to his mum and I can't for the life of me understand why that would be?