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AIBU

To expect personal messages not to be offensive

(74 Posts)
Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 10:58:45

Today I received a cutting personal message in answer to comment on a post. I will not give the person's name as if she wanted it to be known and did not expect to be criticised on the forum she would have commented for all to see. She probably will now.

whenim64 Tue 12-Nov-13 11:02:18

Forward your offensive pm to GNHQ and block the sender, Flower

penguinpaperback Tue 12-Nov-13 11:15:57

Oh dear I would follow whenim64's advice Flowerofthewest.flowers
Perhaps if you allow a few hours before you block the sender they may send an apology?

newist Tue 12-Nov-13 11:21:17

Yes Flower follow the good advice you have been given here flowers

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 11:23:10

will do, I am not cross just can't believe that someone felt the need and wasted the time in sending the message. I won't block her or report I don't think. That will give too much credence to the silly person.

bluebell Tue 12-Nov-13 11:27:02

I have occasionally been in trouble (grin) for trenchant comments on GN and I have had to take the ( sometimes ) deserved flak from that. That's why I'm appalled at the sending of an unpleasant pm. It's cowardly and if someone sent me one, I'd out them . You should at least have the guts to be open about what you think - or the good sense and maturity to say nothing or say it more kindly

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 11:33:55

Just had a message from said GNetter, who explained that it was about my DGS name and there is a Bad Mother's Club and there is a member called Dangermans Mum. Apology accepted and offence taken back. Thanks for all support though

Anne58 Tue 12-Nov-13 11:35:55

Morning all, guilty party here and my comment (in fact it was a "question* ) was to ask Flower if her daughter has ever been a member of a forum called "Bad Mothers Club"

My reason for asking was that there used to be a member there called "Dangers Mum" and some of you may have noticed that Flower recently said her DGS middle name was "danger" hence the question.

BMC is a forum much like Mumsnet, and offers support advice etc to ALL parents, and the forum name is very tongue in cheek.

If any of you care to look, you will see what I mean.

There is another member here whos daughter is/was a member too.

newist Tue 12-Nov-13 11:36:50

I whole heartedly agree with you bluebell to pm someone just to say unkind things is quite cowardly shock

Anne58 Tue 12-Nov-13 11:39:08

Here for you info is the question C&P'd

Flower was your daughter ever a member of bad Mothers Club by any chance?

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 11:39:58

Thanks pheonix, point taken, I really did not know of a bad Mother's Club and did take offence on my daughter's behalf. She isn't Danger's mum as far as I know. She may belong to Bad Mother's Club, will ask her. She knows I am on Gransnet so she could have linked from here.

Glad that's cleared up.

Anne58 Tue 12-Nov-13 11:40:35

"will do, I am not cross just can't believe that someone felt the need and wasted the time in sending the message. I won't block her or report I don't think. That will give too much credence to the silly person"

CHARMING

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 11:42:01

Shall we get back to the Whys now? blush

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 11:42:57

Why is life so complicated?

Why do I make life so complicated?

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 11:43:16

Oh wrong forum - see what I mean blush

kittylester Tue 12-Nov-13 11:43:21

And that's why I don't like pms very much! I don't believe phoenix is capable of sending a nasty pm.

I've never had a bad one - only supportive ones. phoenix, I owe you a reply and, when I'm a little less fraught, I'll tell you all about it!!

I think we should have an unofficial policy of reporting offensive pms.

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 11:45:56

I was surprised to as I have only ever read lovely supportive comments from phoenix.

flowers flowers sunshine to phoenix

Anne58 Tue 12-Nov-13 11:57:56

Thank you Flower and you too Kitty

I will confess that I was very upset by the initial accusation, as I would never send a hurtful or offensive PM to anyone.

I was so shaken that I had to have a splosh of Lidl's own Amaretto in my coffee!

Anyway, all cleared up now, so as politicians would say "moving forward....."

smile

JessM Tue 12-Nov-13 12:41:10

There was, once upon a time, a troublemaking "member" on a forum not far from here who was mostly sweetness and light in public and sent various hurtful PMs to vulnerable members. all of whom probably thought they were the only one. These should always be reported as you may not be the only one under attack.

Anne58 Tue 12-Nov-13 13:13:53

I think I know who you mean Jess but hopefully you will have read all of the posts on this thread?

gracesmum Tue 12-Nov-13 13:25:57

I am assuming this was a case of crossed wires and in a similar situation should one reply and ask "What exactly are you saying?/What do you mean by this?" Sometimes offence is so clear of course that is hardly necessary, but if a pm seems out of character perhaps a misunderstanding is the only logical explanation - as was the case here.

Anyway, glad that is sorted out - hate bad feeling between friends.smile

thatbags Tue 12-Nov-13 13:33:02

Why didn't you ask the question on the appropriate thread, phoenix? With a bit of explanation as to what it was all about. I've never heard of those forums before and would also be a bit taken aback by such a question sent privately.

Ariadne Tue 12-Nov-13 13:33:50

It's my DD who's a member of what is now Real Mothers but was Bad Mothers club. She "met" Phoenix there. I look in from time to time - love the Bad Housekeeping Institute!

JessM Tue 12-Nov-13 13:38:17

Yes phoenix obviously a big misunderstanding but just a note of advice for members on the principle of the thing. Some members may think you can only report posts and not PMs.

Tegan Tue 12-Nov-13 13:57:17

If two lovely people like phoenix and Flower can get a case of 'wire crossing' on here it just goes to show how easily it can happen on forums, and how incredibly hurt one can get by misjudging something. Unlike a 'normal' conversation we can't immediately reply or expand on what we mean so it makes more sense.

Tegan Tue 12-Nov-13 13:58:48

I must find out more about the Bad Housekeeping Institute smile. If ever there was something I should be a member of it's that!

kittylester Tue 12-Nov-13 14:19:53

I'm coming with you Tegan - I could maybe give lessons!! grin

gracesmum Tue 12-Nov-13 14:25:30

I was under the impression I was a founder member grin I should be entitiled to honorary membership at the very least!!

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 15:18:40

FYO Phoenix and I are having Christmas Lunch together wink

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 15:19:52

Phoned said daughter to tell her of my faux pas, she just said 'Oh Mum!!!'

And she isn't a member but is thrilled that there is another Danger somewhere in the world.

Anne58 Tue 12-Nov-13 16:01:24

grin grin

Bags the reason I didn't ask on the thread itself, was because I regarded it as private, that is that if Flowers daughter was indeed a member, either party might not have wanted it in the public domain, hence the PM (which I have posted in full somewhere up there^^^)

I do hope this makes sense?

Aaaaanyway, move along, there's nothing to see here...........

Nonnie Tue 12-Nov-13 17:09:27

I had a very nasty pm from someone who is no longer a member. One of the things she accused me of was bring 'only a housewife in poor health' I still wonder what on earth she meant, what is a housewife these days and why did she think I was one and she was not? Poor health, not me, fit as a fiddle mostly with the odd thing wrong which gets dealt with. She finished by saying she had blocked me thereby giving me no right if reply! I shrugged it off as the rantings of a lonely old buddy and forgot about it until I read this thread.

All other pms I have had have been from lovely helpful people.

Anne58 Tue 12-Nov-13 17:28:10

Which is as it should be, Nonnie smile

Ana Tue 12-Nov-13 17:39:32

I take it you meant 'old biddy', Nonnie! grin

You're absolutely right, phoenix. PMs should be between supportive and/or like-minded members, not used to cause trouble or offence.

JessM Tue 12-Nov-13 17:56:07

Yes well nonnie - as i said there this can happen and GN need to know, because that kind of thing can really upset some people and it needs to be nipped in the bud.

Lona Tue 12-Nov-13 18:27:31

Nonnie I think quite a few of us got nasty pms from that particular ex member, and GNHQ were most certainly informed!

Flowerofthewest Tue 12-Nov-13 20:27:26

Nuff said, s"*t happens. All kissed better now. Lets move on.

deserving Wed 13-Nov-13 09:05:46

Get rid of GN just send PM's to one another. Bit like sending letters, only that helped the postal service.

deserving Wed 13-Nov-13 09:11:34

Apropos of nothing, Do tumbler drier balls work?

Nonu Wed 13-Nov-13 09:16:51

Not right thread , Deserving !!

Tegan Wed 13-Nov-13 10:52:51

confused?

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 11:12:35

Within days of posting here I had nine PM's from the same person , all unpleasant and a warning that she had great influence here

whenim64 Wed 13-Nov-13 11:23:41

I think I would have blocked her from sending any more after the first, Anniebach. It's very unpleasant to receive such pms from a complete stranger!

Elegran Wed 13-Nov-13 11:24:09

I hope that you reported them all, Anniebach

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 11:38:26

I was new here, didn't know about reporting or how to block , have never bothered with PM's, but I did receive some warm greetings from other board members which more than compensated for the warnings and demands

Anne58 Wed 13-Nov-13 11:45:53

Must confess, I'm now itching to know who it was, Anniebach ! grin

BAnanas Wed 13-Nov-13 12:02:12

I'm amazed that anyone would send a vitriolic pm, if I had a disagreement on a forum I wouldn't bother continuing an argument via a pm, it's kind of futile arguing with someone you haven't met or don't really know. We are all entitled to feel differently about certain issues. It's unbelievable that anyone on GN would feel that they have any more influence than any other member.

kittylester Wed 13-Nov-13 12:13:41

Took the words right out of my mouth phoenix grin So, it wasn't either of us - unless that's a double bluff. confused

Elegran Wed 13-Nov-13 12:16:30

Delusions of self-importance, Bananas.

There is the other side too though - people posting veiled (or not-so-veiled) remarks about some members clearly having the ear of HQ more than others. What it boils down to is that people are all different, some are nasty, some are wonderful, some like to think they rule the world, others complain that they being trampled by everyone else and the world is agin them. Just like the real world.

That reminds me of someone who posted on a fun thread recently (I think it was one of the quotation ones) that we should all stop wasting our time on here and make contact with real people. I think in the last few weeks we have seen the wide outside contacts of Gransnet members and their wealth of real live care and feelings when one of our number is in danger.

Galen Wed 13-Nov-13 12:39:11

I had one in the past from a very nasty ex member, as did several of us!

Tegan Wed 13-Nov-13 12:42:24

I've been trying to make contact with the outside world recently and, to be honest, I prefer it on here [the exception being when we we have met ups and become 'proper people' for the day smile. Reminds me of that film about the little Irish people that appear sometimes.

Stansgran Wed 13-Nov-13 12:52:26

I wish people would say who the ex members are who send weird pms. The only ex members I've had pms from are Greatnan,Granjura,j08,and Movedalot and they have all been kind friendly and helpful. Are there any other ex members?

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 13:24:35

But Stansgran, if a person sends a PM they wish their name and what they say to be private surely

Flowerofthewest Wed 13-Nov-13 13:29:15

confused confused confused

kittylester Wed 13-Nov-13 13:42:40

But, if they are _ex_, it hardly matters and serves them right. [noseyparker]emoticon!!

Riverwalk Wed 13-Nov-13 13:45:45

Annie I'm very confused with your reasoning!

If someone sent NINE unpleasant PMs who says you have to play by the rules of good manners?

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 13:53:05

What confuses you riverwalk?

Stansgran Wed 13-Nov-13 13:53:18

If someone sends a nasty pm it should be copied onto Gransnet IMHO. In fact a thread where nasty posts were published would soon stop and make such people think twice. Tho' im sure no existing gransnetters would ever dream of such a thing.

Nonu Wed 13-Nov-13 14:17:36

perhaps "Annie" is being tactful, have you thought of that ?

Nonu Wed 13-Nov-13 14:23:02

Polite , also ,
just saying !!

Riverwalk Wed 13-Nov-13 14:28:38

I'm sure Annie is being tactful - but am just surprised, and admiring, of her ability to be so, after receiving NINE nasty pms from the same person!

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 14:29:23

Riverwalk, with respect I will not do as others do if I think it wrong, a PM is just that private

Anniebach Wed 13-Nov-13 14:32:33

Riverwalk, I said unpleasant not nasty

gracesmum Wed 13-Nov-13 14:36:20

For me the question is Should I write something in a PM which I would not be proud of, were it to be published on open forum?
However...there are also occasions where personal disagreements have escalated because others have weighed in - maybe out of the best intentions, maybe not and sides have been taken, things got out of hand and GNHQ have had occasion to step in to stop too many buns flying! (Such a waste of cupcake cupcake] obviously)

gracesmum Wed 13-Nov-13 14:39:00

Oops meant to press "Preview" - what I wanted to add is that a PM should never be offensive as such, but if strongly worded there is no guideline that says you can't reply in kind - and then block the sender - or you could always publish the PM - name and shame.

Aka Wed 13-Nov-13 15:17:53

I had a PM from someone who'd been quite abrupt with me on several occasions (and possibly I'd been the same with her) saying 'let's start again'. I replied that I'd like to do that and now we have a better understanding of each other.
So in the spirit of good will I PMd someone who has been quite offensive to me but this person has ignored my gesture. Fair enough.

I understand why Anniebach didn't report her unpleasant PMs as she was new to the site at the time.

gracesmum Wed 13-Nov-13 15:44:32

smile aka - at least you tried.
Actually I wonder if anonymity has a lot to answer for. I know it means you can bare your soul without it coming back to those you may be moaning talking about, but it also means you know very little if anything about the people you are in touch with. I know I feel differently about GNetters I have met face to face at a meet up or with whom I have been in more personal contact or with whom I find a common interest. A forum identity can be very 2-dimensional, but where you have a more rounded picture of the other person in question I think you are less likely to risk causing offence - and I am not talking about those who seek to cause offence. Not arguing against anonymity but making a plea to look behind the "forum name mask".

Flowerofthewest Wed 13-Nov-13 15:50:04

Oh Dear [sigh]

gracesmum Wed 13-Nov-13 15:52:12

confused ??? Why flower??

Nonnie Wed 13-Nov-13 15:55:53

Yes, did mean biddy, blame the Kindle!

janeainsworth Wed 13-Nov-13 16:13:45

Yes I agree Gracesmum re the anonymity, well I would say that, wouldn't I hmm
The other thing I try to bear in mind is that posts can often be interpreted in not one but several ways.
If my immediate reaction is to feel a bit hurt by something someone has put, I try and think of what they might have meant instead, and not take offence where none has been intended.
That and the fact that today's posts are tomorrow's chip wrappers, unless we want to make ourselves unhappy by bearing grudges.

Nelliemoser Wed 13-Nov-13 17:00:20

We have covered before about genuine misunderstandings due to posting style and sometimes in particular, crossed posts that happen to sit in the wrong order.

I had one of these where I probably didn't label who my specific reply was for and another posters comments just got in first. It then appeared that my reply looked as if it was aimed at the previous posters remark and in that context was rude. This was quickly sorted by a PM.

These is no excuse for abusive posts. I agree with BAnanas. If you really disagree in the course of a debate that discussion should continue on the thread and not as a PM, or you should just walk away.

I can't see Phoenix or Flower posting anything nasty either.

I have had some lovely supportive PMs and the odd private conversation to keep details personal.

A hour on and I only came in here to pick up my physio sheet. I should be torturing myself with shoulder exercises.

Flowerofthewest Wed 13-Nov-13 17:21:55

Thought we had covered it all gracesmum confused

Anne58 Wed 13-Nov-13 18:10:32

Prisackly Flower

Annie what you need to bear in mind is that any post on here can be read by anyone, member, non-member, journalist, other member of your family etc. However the PM system can be very useful for members to "speak" to others without the world and his dog seeing it.

This could cover things like advice on money, divorce, medical matters etc. If you go back in this thread you will see that Bags asked me why I hadn't asked the question on the thread itself, and you will see my answer, which I hope was clear.

The PM facility is invaluable sometimes, but to use to verbally abuse or threaten anyone is IMHO a violation of a privilege that we have been given.

So there! grin