...to be glad when the weekend is over?

to all you lovely people out there who have to get through each day, week, month, with OH illness whatever the illness may be, depression, stroke,heart etc. you are a band of soldiers fighting each day and give up your own desires to care for your spouses, I hope that one day things will look a little brighter for everyone. or (take your pick)

Agreed Ana- but if there are health issues, it is even more important to organise regular time off for the carer. A carer will not be able to care well, with a smile and for very long, if they become over-tired, resentful and bitter. It is in nobody's interest. Now I know I am so lucky, but I know my OH would volunteer to be cared for by someone else and tell me regularly to clear off and have a jolly good time- and I am sure I would do the same if he had to care for me.

The hardest thing to do to redress a situation which has been allowed to go to far- and for a person needing care to be very reticent to have outside help/someone else to help- but it is paramount for all concerned. Same with parents with a handicapped child- it is essential for batteries to be re-charged. This is NOT selfish- but essential to avoid burn-out and depression, and even severe illness, as the body has a knack of finding a way out if necessary. At first, it will be very hard work, perhaps lead to more trouble than its worth at first sight- and also lead to sulkiness and moods. But the sooner you face up to this and find solutions, the better for all. Truly. I've seen this time and time again.

It is so much easier to say than do- I know. Start with short outings, 1 or 2 hours, and build up to a whole day- and eventually an overnight away. A resentful, bitter and exhausted carer is no good to anyone.

Thinking of you- you need to be gentle but firm- not take 'no' for an answer, and be ready to smile away bad moods and moans on return. Ask the family to support you- friends and specialised staff. Ask support from Age Concern.

My husband gave up driving when he was 60. He was diagnosed with cerebellar ataxia, which affects your coordination, so at least he knew what the problem was, and did not bother renewing his licence after that.
When we were away for his 65th birthday, he told me that I was "a good driver, now."

Purpledaffodil, can your husband use an ereader?
We bought mine one for his 65th birthday, and found he could use it a bit. We put books on that we knew he liked. He had had both cataracts done in the 6 months before his birthday, and after he died and I looked at the kindle, I was quite shocked to find out the size of the letters he was reading. It was like a child's reading book.

That's fine if your DH can be left to cope on his own (whether he wants to or not!). If there are health issues, it's not so easy.

My MiL gads about all over the world and leaves FiL to grump on his own. She fills the freezer for him, makes sure he has everything he needs and clears off! I think you ladies need to put yourselves first a bit more. Women need to socialise more than men on the whole. Which probably explains why the WI is still thriving.

Maybe this is where Gransnet could help. Join your local group if you have one, and try having a meet up. It seems there are lots of lonely people out there who could all support each other. I belong to chelmsford local group, and we're meeting on a Saturday soon.

It seems I'm not alone in hating weekends since being on my own for the past 5 years +since losing my DH very suddenly. I occasionally see my DD and GS ,but only if my SIL (a nurse in A+ E) is at work. Otherwise it's a long time to fill before Monday arrives again. I keep busy as much as possible during the week with U3A, Volunteering, meeting friends when possible etc, but nothing much takes place over the weekend. My SIL unfriended me from Facebook, when I dared to express my dislike of Sundays!! We generally get on, but that did hurt . I guess he's still too young to understand loneliness.

Oh my goodness, there are some very unhappy people out there. I,ve been a divorcee since I was in my 30s so once the children left home, have been used to having to entertain myself at weekends. I long for the time when every day is like a weekend because finances mean I have to work full time until I'm 66. weekends are so precious to me. Just tell those miserable hubbies of yours that you're going to have some fun whether they like it or not (I do sympathise completely with those of you who are careers tho). We are not living in the dark ages. Women have freedom now - Be Brave!

Thanks ladies. Soutra I recognise all those techniques! It made me laugh in sympathy. I have tried the pulling over and shouting several times, I once even threatened to take him home and go on my own. I even carried out the threat which did surprise him. But it does make me into a much less confident driver than I was and casts a pall over any outing. If I am being rational I can appreciate that he was used to being in charge ( ex secondary school head ) and now feels useless and disenfranchised. But rationality departs when he is screaming "Watch out!" When I am stopping in a perfectly sensible way at a roundabout or similar.
rosesarered you are so right about the grumpy thoughts. I do know that other people's lives and relationships always appear wonderful from the outside, but I do hate the constant bickering and cabin fever from rarely going out apart from hospital appointments. Ah well, onwards and upwards!

purpledaffodil [nice name, why didn't I think of that one?] Life is not always ever easy is it?A lot of times we end up thinking grumpily 'this is not the life I signed up for'!
Soutra my DH does all the things you mention while driving [but in a subtler way] anytime that I drive, and always has, so I laughed when I got to the 'holding of the door handle' bit.More like gripping on tightly with a grim expression! In my case, I think that I drive a lot more safely than he does anyway. However he prefers to do the driving if we are out together, so I let him get on with it. It's just men isn't it?Annoying though.

DH gave up driving after major heart surgery 3 years ago and it took a good 18 months for him to learn to resist the sharp intakes of breath, the tutting, the holding on to the door handle, the admonition that I was too close to the vehicle in front, in the wrong lane , too slow or too fast.
The crunch came when I pulled over one day and demanded asked none too gently if he would prefer to drive the blankety blank thing himself or else kindly shut the whatsit up and let me get on with it. I was fine with driving anywhere up till then but overnight had become a nervous driver.
He took my point and while he is not exactly relaxed, I do feel happier and rely on him to navigate for me so at least I don't have that to worry about . He (nearly always) remembers to thank me for doing the driving especially if I have gone out specially to pick him up. We got rid of both our cars and bought one new one and while I miss my little car and I quite enjoy the extra space and comfort of this one.

Thank you everybody for your good wishes. I did feel I was taking schadenfreude to extreme heights, I know we all have our crosses to bear. I will try out your suggestion durhamjen and take him with me to NT places. He can't read a newspaper as he has aphasia following a stroke, but he could earn a place in the Olympic Tea drinking team if there were one, so I could deposit him in a tea room somewhere. Thanks!

I'm getting a bit worried now Purpledaffodil as DH has reached a point where he hardly complains about my driving at all! Perhaps he has mellowed a bit and your's really is the worst passenger now!
The trouble with our family is that DD is working long hours while coping with 2 children and a husband who is not in the best of health; DS has a new baby and a girlfriend who is not really coping very well and there is always MiL who is slowly going downhill. Things really can only get better!!!!

Yes indeed, Purpledaffodil, from me, too.

Reading this, I realise how lucky I was, even though my husband was ill for a long time and died six months after retirement.
He used to tell my son to take me out with them when he could no longer go out with them himself. Needless to say, he deteriorated quite quickly at the end, so it never really happened.
We were members of NT and EH and used to go to lots of houses and castles. He would sit in the garden or keep of the castle, and I would climb up to the top, using our Kodak video camera, then show him what he could not climb up to see. Got lots of photos of the top of his head that way!
Last weekend, my grandson came for a sleepover on Saturday, the rest came for lunch on Sunday, then we went to Gibside for the afternoon. We found a hill we'd never been up before - next time we'll go in the opposite direction, as even my son was worried that I would not reach the top.
At the weekends at Gibside there is a minibus to take people up to the top of the hill, to the Stables. At Cragside, there is a permanent bus with lots of stops. If some of you are not happy leaving your husbands at home, go out with them in the car, then leave them reading a book or newspaper, either in a car or in a cafe, or on a seat near to where you can go for a walk.
The last time I cooked a joint was nearly 40 years ago!

purpledaffodil

Is it wrong to feel relieved that I am not the only one with this problem? DH has a raft of illnesses which restrict his stamina. Not bad enough to need nursing care but too bad for a 'normal ' life. He too hates to be left alone but does not have the stamina to go anywhere involving much walking. Also following a seizure, he cannot drive for a year. This leaves me driving the worst passenger in the world. I try to arrange outings which he can manage, but this is often unsuccessful. Watching him watching TV is not my idea of a life, but he thinks I am an appalling gadabout. I do occasionally arrange to go out without him, but the resulting moods are horribly depressing.
For various reasons, visiting friends and our grown up children or having them visit us seems to be declining rapidly. I put off retirement for three years as I was rather afraid life would be like this. So miserable to be right!

I'd probably do that if I lived on my own, but chicken portions never taste the same as the breast from a whole-cooked chicken, IMO.

DD, who lives on her own, roasts a chicken piece. served with roast potatoes, stuffing and veg when she wants a roast.

She works from home on shift work and cooks them like a tray bake, chicken, potatoes and stuffing on the same baking tray. She will put it all in the oven in her coffee break to have it ready for lunch hour.

Sunday no different to other days I m on my own, no DH, so I may walk on the beach, catch a train to nearest city for a walk round the shops, no car so cant go too far, car boot sales, walking in the woods taking some photographs
Sorry but if he didn't want to come with me I d go alone and tell him all about it when you get home might whet his appetite to come with you next time, I certainly wouldn't stay in if it was nice weather
Don't like those Knorr packet bread sauce always make that from scratch but use Aunt Bessies Yorkshires I haven't had roast to eat apart from chicken for as long as I can remember

We go to an Italian on Sunday.

(Only eat porridge for brekker)

Well, we fitted in roast chicken (easy-to-cook) bread sauce (knorr packet) roast potatos, Yorkshire puddings, carrots and broccoli. Followed by crumble and cream.

'Tea' was just toast with a bit of cheese, and cake. By the fire. In front of Countryfile.

Sunday can be very nice.

Jingle, couldn't fit a roast in for mid-day and haven't had a proper Sunday tea since I was little! How did we ever fit it all in? I try to cook a roast every few weeks but it's too much for the two of us. We have a late breakfast between 10-11 (Sunday special, Mr M describes it) and probably eat our main meal about 4-ish depending on what we are doing. It was roast beef yesterday so left-overs tonight...better get the potatoes on I suppose...