Problems with MIL that need resolving. Please help me understand her view

Hello *A different view*what a problem for you. It's easy for others to say 'lay down ground rules' and hard to do. Your husband knows his mother has problems letting him go [it's a common thing, mothers and sons.]Plus she has other problems [alchohol.]I would allow your MIL to see your daughter often, as long as she is not drunk, and be pleasant with her, she is still your DH's mother after all.She is unhappy, and being bossy with her and not allowing her to see her grand-daughter will make things worse for all of you.Don't worry about her 'loving you' maybe she does in her own way anyway. Disregard anything you overhear, she clearly is unhappy.You hold all the cards here, so unless things get worse, allow her to be a close part of your family.Grandma's often buy chocs etc for their DGC and a bit of junk food won't hurt.Good Luck!

Do you have a good relationship with her sister (the one you overheard her speaking to)? If so perhaps you could mention to her that you heard what she said and she could then let your MiL know that you had heard, then wait and see what she does.

She sounds a lot like my mother and the only way to deal with her is for both you and your DH to be firm about boundaries. Is DH her only son because it does sound as if she is jealous that you have "taken" him away from her. My mother would try lots of tricks like your MiL with my brother until he made it quite clear to her that if she forced him to make a choice between her and his wife and family - she would lose. Her behaviour with him and his family have improved greatly (although her behaviour towards me still needs work!!) Good luck

Thank you for your replies, and the codependency suggestion. I've read a little bit and recognise lots.

Difficulty with boundaries, not knowing where their needs end and the needs of another person begin.

Repression within the family and a need to keep up the family lie of pretending the alcohol problems are not there. Anyone who doesn't toe the line is excluded!

My sister in law is also often is the position of being responsible for her maintaining her mothers happiness or state of mind. MIL says her daughter is her best friend and relies on her emotionally a lot.

Wide berth sounds like a sensible plan to me. In your shoes I'd try to remain civil but I wouldn't be making friendly overtures like visiting her at work. From what you have said she sounds very self-centred. All the best.

I agree about the need for boundaries. If you let her have her way things will only get worse.
She may well be quite fond of you but jealous too. Jealousy is a terrible thing and very difficult to deal with or acknowledge.
Are there other GC? How is she with them?
Is she a widow on her own? This may be a reason for her being this way - but not an excuse.

I agree this woman has serious issues.

When you say that if she was informed* that you had overheard the conversation you mention, that she would sulk and make herself the victim - that's manipulation. She should be embarrassed and apologetic in that instance. *It doesn't have to be a confrontation, you could simply let her know that you overheard her talking to her sister. I wouldn't even get my husband involved if I were you.

Your long and carefully written post indicates that you spend a lot of time thinking about this matter and trying to manage it. Time to take the focus off this woman, and focus on you and your family and - echoing when - put the ball in her court and don't react to her tantrums.

Good luck, she sounds like a nightmare.

Oh my goodness ADV your MIL sounds incredibly possessive, controlling. I'm lost for words after reading she called your first child her firstborn.
No wonder her behaviour is exhausting you. I agree with whenim set down some boundaries, ground rules and make sure you and your husband present a united and consistent, most important, front. Good Luck.

Thank you for posting. I am doubting myself at the moment. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't just put up with it all to keep the peace.

I do think we need boundaries in place and I need to reduce how much time I spend with her.

Please help you to understand her view? ADV I wouldn't contemplate it. She has a big problem if she has been treating you like this, and all I would advise is that you draw very clear, reasonable boundaries about how you and your DH conduct your relationship and care for your child. Then, if she's prepared to respect that, you can have a civilised MiL/DiL relationship. The balls in her court. Meanwhile, keep your distance and don't react to her tantrums. Good luck!