My daughter in law and son

Hi You have been on my mind. I agree with the previous message, especially the bit about getting on with your own life. I had (have) a similar situation but with step-daughters and their children. Sadly, several years ago I let their controlling nature get the better of me and almost had a breakdown. Thankfully I was persuaded by a good family friend to have some counselling, along with my husband ( the father of the young women) and it was the best thing that could have happened.
It helped me to distance myself from the power-struggle that was building-up, and deal with my feelings and emotions in a reasonable and sensible way. I learned that i was only responsible for the way I acted and reacted,not for the way they behaved and that really was the beginning of being able to be free from it all.
Both my husband and I now have a healthier relationship with all concerned and although the women are still controlling and rather aloof, we are not restricted in keeping in touch with our grandchildren and as they are all now growing up, they contact us from time to time of their own accord via new tech (they all live far away from us).
It was hard to let go of the hurts but I am sure that i have learned some valuable life-lessons and vital concepts from the counselling that help me not only in this family situation, but in other relationships too.
I wish you all the best, and much joy in the future with your grandchildren and son and daughter-in-law once the heat goes out of the situation. You only have one life after all, and only you can make it the best that it can be.

msmac I think you need to withdraw completely from this situation. You are being controlled / manipulated by your DiL. She is going to need your help and support very soon when the new baby arrives.

I know it's not easy, but just get on with your own life. Go out with your husband, take a short holiday or a weekend break, go shopping, visit friends, invite friends for a meal, do the garden.....anything that keeps you busy and gives you pleasures.

Don't contact your son or DiL but be pleasant if they contact you. Act as if your heart isn't broken. Pin a smile on your face and be strong. Don't offer any help, but be prepared to help if asked, but not too eagerly. She's playing power games and needs to learn she can't manipulate you like this.

How sad that at the time in our lives when we think things should be relaxed and easy, a whole load of other problems come up.
But, as life experience is on our side, we know that we just have to accept these situations.

I am not completely alienated from my baby grandson but I feel that one wrong word from myself or DH would make it a reality. We have already been on the receiving end of an unprovoked outburst from DIL and if we hadn't acted in a very restrained manner, I just don't know what the outcome would have been. We have made allowances for sleep deprivation, hormones and just about every other situation but have come to the conclusion that DIL has very low self esteem and seems, in some odd way, to resent us. DS told us that she hates the fact that we live locally but her parents live an hour and half away (so that's OUR problem??). Quite ridiculous, as we draw no benefit at all living in the same area! They spend most weekends with her parents, and her mum makes the journey over here at least twice a week to spend the whole day with DIL and baby. Recently my son has been bringing baby to us one evening a week after he comes home from work. Unfortunately DGS is starting to have separation anxiety and last time cried most of the time he was at our house, which was really heartbreaking and certainly not good for baby himself. What is upsetting is that DIL rarely communicates with me now and all 'arrangements' are done through my son. This mainly involves babysitting on a Saturday night. Yes DIL is quite happy for us to turn up an hour early to'play with baby before he goes to bed' but we are obviously not welcome to pop round in the week for an hour as we have done in the past (when invited). I know other grans are going to think I'm lucky that I do actually see my baby grandson but it's so stressful to worry constantly that it could change in an instant. DH and I are late sixties and recently retired from work - we just want a settled happy family relationship. Why are some of these young women determined to cause problems?

Would be grateful for any advice on a new DiL dilemma.
Have received an invite to my DGD birthday party, which she hand wrote herself and gave to me on my last visit. Have spoken to my son, before accepting, to feel the water re DiL, as I know she wouldn't want me and OH to attend. How can I deal with this without my DGD thinking we're letting her down?

Very sad, msmac, you are not alone. Perhaps father should take son to one side again and whisper a few things in his ear...in the meantime, the best of luck for a solution to all this!

Marmark1
I agree. Her problem not mine. I was also very close to my son, still am really when we talk when are alone or on the phone. I'm sure she doesn't like this. But he'll always be my son. Am afraid have stopped being too friendly as finding it quite difficult. Been gritting teeth for too long.
Thanks for your comments!

Mrsbluesky
Your right,not easy at all.But it's her problem isn't it,not yours.These people cannot be truly happy can they.Nobody can find true happiness on the back of someone's misery.I hear what your saying,our sons are involved.Your friends are right,consetrate on your other son.Always be polite and as friendly as possible (grit teeth).and hope they will come round .I only have 1son.We were always very very close.My friends think that's the problem.I do know that my son won't let her push me right out.
This is a good sight.Nice to hear from people similar to me.All the best to you all.

Marmark1
My DiL has no interest whatsoever in my sons family. She doesn't like where we live or people who come from where we live. How on earth could we ever deal with that. We are what we are. Just to say she hasn't visited us for 3 1/2 years! My other DiL is so lovely, the complete opposite, so I'm advised by a close friend to concentrate on this family and try to let the other problems go over my head. Not easy!!

Mrsbluesky
A bit like mine.In my situation, my DILs mother is not in the best of health.So I do most of the babysitting .But I don't think she will ever accept me.But as I'v said.She resents everybody Sons close to.His friends rarely go there now.

And I thought I must be the only one with DiL problems!! Mine never talks to me or OH unless we talk to her first. As we live a distance away, we don't visit very often, but whenever we do, without fail, DiL always goes out for at a period of time. She never offers us any hospitality when we visit. We've even had to ask for a cup of tea. My son does more than his fair share in the house so is constantly busy with the children whilst DiL floats around doing her own thing. I could go on but just wanted to add this message as I feel quite relieved, in a way, to know I'm not the only one with this problem.

I also had a vicious and cruel DiL who led my son a terrible life. I found out just how terrible when he had an attempt on his life and left poems to that effect. We never knew. Luckily he is remarried now but because of her we no longer see our lovely grandchildren and haven't for 7 years and neither does he. I don't think much can be done about her if it is in her nature, it's the way she was brought up by the sound of it. Her father is no roll model.

I think It tends to be DIL resenting MILs in the main.Having said that each case must be judged seperatly.
In my case I don't retaliate for fear of making it worse.My DIL is very very insecure.Every body agrees that she would resent anybody who is close to my Son.

I am sure there are unpleasant people around of both sexes who might unfortunately end up married to one's children.

However, there seems to be a tendency for people with sons to blame their daughters-in-law when things go wrong as though it is acceptable that their sons are too weak to stand up to a dominating partner.

Anyway, without being a fly on wall, surely it is difficult to know for sure who is making the decisions about access to GC and so on.

Having said that, I do feel very sorry for grandparents who find themselves in the distressing position of not being able to see their grandchildren.

Do mothers of Daughters condone their nastiness ?

What do you do about it though.I know,in my case ,my Son stands up for us.But he's still ruled by her.Help.

took care of my disabled grandson for a lot of his early years, including endless 40 mile round trips to hospital to support him and my son and his wife. not long after they had their 2nd child, the rot set in, I wasn't always able to be on call for them 24/7. even though I used to drop what I was doing to help them with both money and time. they gradually pushed me out of their lives and I haven't even seen their 3rd child who is nearly 2 now. I have been told to stay out of their lives and not get in touch so that is what I have done. I just hope that when the younger two children are older they seek me out. my username is what my grandson used to call me.

Absolutely agree with all former posts. Don't show how much they are hurting you. And DON'T volunteer to help out!! Do it if asked but with no fuss. I tried the pull back approach a few times with DD and she came back to me with a lot more respect.

It amazes me when the other grandparents indulge in grandparent wars. All grandparents have a role in their grandchildren's lives. It should not be a competition! We have 1 problematic grandmother in an inlaw family who demeans me by calling me the wee granny in the country (she is inner city and has never left her own area!) Luckily the DGSs are old enough not to be influenced by this.

It is so awful when grandchildren are used as emotional blackmail. I feel for all of you who have lost contact with DGCs. It must hurt terribly. ((Hugs))

Hi,
It sounds as though the best way is to play it down and not show you are upset /angry/hurt. This is a type of bullying behaviour and as we know bullies gain pleasure from seeing the upset they cause.

I agree that you should carry on as if you are completely over the argument. i.e. call when baby due/take gift etc. play it calm and cool if you possibly can. Avoid responding in a distressed way. If it is still too raw, stay away until you feel you can respond 'normally' to seeing them.
Good luck..I can see it would be difficult.

I know you say you DIL is not very nice but with father like that I am not surprised she does not know how to behave appropriately!

Hello Msmac
Hate to say it, but sounds like they have cut you out for good! If I were in your shoes I would keep quiet until after the new baby is born (week or two) & then go round with flowers & presents for the new baby & try to stop this alienation before it becomes permanent! Phone to ask how mother & baby are doing when she/he is born though,& send a card in the post to show you care. Goodluck
I have been cut out of my GC lives for nearly two years now & I did and said nothing wrong! Our stories (Smileless too) are on the thread 'cut out of their lives'
Ar tigger so sorry & for others on here in the same sad boat

Having endured this myself for nearly fourteen years I now have two granchildren who hardly know me. I am beyond the pain and hurt (well not quite so much) and have resigned myself to a situation where my son and his family are almost off the radar. All I can say is don't lay the blame 100% on her, your son allowed it to happen, he should have been more supportive but I guess goes long with it for a quiet life. Do you believe in Karma what comes around goes around, I have a dream that one day my grandchildren will turn to me.

You're absolutely correct Nonnie. You've done such a good job of summing up my d.i.l. I can't help but wonder if you've actually met her!!

This is an awful situation for you to be in msmac, it makes me wonder if I'm better off having no contact with my s and only gc, than being where you are. I agree with other posters; keep your distance and let them fend for them selves. Don't deprive your self of the opportunity of seeing your gc if they ask you to baby sit but don't volunteer.

for you. I hope things improve.

I really do empathise. I don't understand this breed of woman, they want everything, take it and then give nothing back. They are selfish, demanding and controlling but all the publicity is given to the women who are badly treated by men and we never hear about the women who behave like this. They lie about others and never think that anyone else has feelings and, in the case I am an expert on. put themselves even before the children. They alienate their man from his family and often break him too.

Bitter me? Oh yes I am.

In our case the worm turned but only after she had driven him to illness.

hugs.

This is dreadful. There certainly is a bitch in your family and it's definitely not you, msmac. It is very obviously who is in the wrong here. She sounds an absolute nightmare.
I wish I was better at giving advice. Maybe getting off the roller coaster for a while might help you. Possibly steer clear of them for a while?
I know it's not easy, but it seems to me that you need to distance yourself from this stress for a while. Sooner or later your son will see the true character of his wife, I hope, and things will then improve.
Loads of good wishes to you. And to the dear innocent child and forthcoming baby.

How horrible for you and I don't know what to suggest. I certainly don't think they deserve your financial help. Hopefully as your GS grows he will make his own mind up. Make a voodoo doll and stick pins in it!!!