To be angry beyond angry

Oh God. I feel so sorry for children in this kind of situation.

I don't know your background to comment further.

As far as the children are concerned we're all the best of friends. To an extent the mother has us over a barrel as we don't want to do anything that makes the children feel insecure.

DH has spent a lot of time persuading his own family that he's not the type of father she described him as. Now they accept that he's a good dad with a brilliant relationship with his children but it's been hard to convince them.

She'd really like him to be an absentee father so she can play happy families with the children and her new husband. For a long time the school thought that her husband was the children's father. She never told us anything about school even though we asked so in the end we contacted the school direct and arranged for newsletters to be sent to us. Since then we've been to every school event that our children have been involved in.

DS was born with a suppressed immune system. She wouldn't tell DH when his hospital appointments were or even when he was in hospital (he could be rushed in at short notice). One day she gave us a copy of a care plan that the specialist wanted DS to follow. This gave DH the opportunity to find out when the next appointment was. He insisted on attending. Since then we've had a rough idea when the next appointment is as the specialist always says something along the lines of I'll see him again in six months. DH starts asking about the appointment when one is due so she has to tell him.

We do everything in our power to keep the children's lives stable. They know they are loved. They even say they're lucky because most children only have two adults (a mum and dad) who would die for them but they have four adults as they have a step mum and step dad too.

How old are the children Vampirequeen? I am wondering if all the communication has to go through this woman or if they are old enough to make arrangements directly ?

It certainly sounds as though she still wants to keep complete control to me how unfair of her,she should think herself very lucky that she has your support but there is no telling how some minds work.
I would make her aware that you know of the lie she has told but that could be difficult for your DS ? Can your OH not speak to her and tell her that he will not stand for this kind of behaviour by way of the Courts or is that too awkward or may by mediation meeting to hash out all the control stuff once and for all. to make you feel better x

Our children are only 7 and 9.

If we cause friction it will affect the children so we put up with it because they are more important than us.

It's just that this game the mother plays is so nasty.

Horrible situation for you vampire but I think you are right to put up with it because in the end it is the children who are liable to suffer if you start making waves. It must be so frustrating when you are bending over backwards to co operate! Mediation sounds good but it could all backfire horribly, perhaps just keep it in mind as a last resort.

If my children's step mother had started to say that my children were her children, then my back would have been up about it all too. They are not, they are mine and my ex husbands, not hers.

You are their step mother? Not their mother? When did you become their step mother, at what age were they? Maybe the parenting should be done by their mum and dad with you and their step dad being in the back ground, not wanting to push yourself forward to being their mother. Maybe then their mother will calm down a little. Just a thought.

I've never tried to be their mother. They are well aware I'm their step mother. All discussions and decisions are taken by their mother and father. Their step father and I step back. However we both play a huge role in their lives. What would you have me do? Refer to them as my husband's children all the time. Not have a relationship with them. Not give them cuddles and show them love or accept their love.

I never refer to the children as my children but always our children. I am well aware of the difference.

Our children are secure in their relationships with their biological and their step parents. They know they are loved by all four of us. Surely that is better than having two adults in their lives who hold themselves apart because they are only step parents.

We may not always agree with their biological mother and her husband just as they may not always agree with us but right at the start we decided that differences of opinion would be kept away from the children and as far as they were concerned we would always be on good terms. We have succeeded in this to the extent that the children would love us all to go on holiday together.

Dear vamp don't rise to it, I appreciate it is a horrible situation, but you have now learnt that if you want your son to know something, its best just to speak to him and not leave messages with "The Bitch" lol

Do remember that she is the children's Mother and be careful that those words do not come out by accident in front of the children, it happens believe me.

You have a choice, either let her upset at her wim and when ever she feels like it Or Take her with a pinch of salt and give her minimum importance in your life, look beyond her and just focus on your son and grandchildren

The alternative to all of that is that you get as upset as you are now, on a regular basis

I'm not so much upset for myself but for DH.

'Our children' makes me uncomfortable sorry . I wouldn't be at all surprised if the two little ones are fully aware of the anger between their parents and their step parents

Sorry vamp- but I'm with Annie - the use of the 'our' grates with me too and perhaps says something about your underlying attitude. I also think you shouldn't use the word 'bitch' to describe the childrens mother. What's the backstory here? How long was your DH married to her, how did the marriage end, how old were the children, how were you introduced into their lives? All of these factors are relevant and when you post in AIBU and ask that question you have to give the full story- so far, I feel we have a very one sided view. As to how you describe the children, you can say my step children, or use their names - quite frankly if I'd ended up in a situation with my dd being referred to as ' our child' by the step mother I would have gone ballistic.

I agree with GrannyTwice and Anniebach. They are not 'your' children.

Yes - I too was a bit puzzled about the "our children" - it took me a few moments to work out who was who.

But when I did, I can see that this is a difficult situation, but as you say the children come first and keeping schtumm and putting a good face on it is the only way forward - stressful but necessary!

Oh I'm so glad others have mentioned this - being new to GN I didn't really want to stick my neck out. The use of 'our' immediately rang alarm bells with me. If my DH and I had split and remarried I would have absolutely hit the roof if I heard his new partner referring to my children in that way. If you use this term on GN, then you are likely to be using it elsewhere - to friends, family, school etc. I must say I was very confused at first, wondering what you meant, because I don't think I've ever come across a step parent referring to their husband's children as 'our children' before.
Of course you shouldn't step back from them, and I think the way you have obviously all worked together, always with the children's best interests in mind, is admirable. The children are obviously happy and feel secure with all four of you. But I would have felt more comfortable if you had referred to them as 'the children' not 'our children'. Huge difference, sorry.

Like AshTree I was very confused and I definitely agree with AshTree's suggestions too. I definitely wouldn't want my children described as you do, and certainly I feel uncomfortable with your calling their stepmother a 'bitch', as awkwardly as she may be behaving in your eyes.

Vamps - you might find more relevant advice on MN - they have a step parent board there and lots of experienced posters with a whole range of different experiences. They are robust but I think you need some chalk face advice - we are all coming at as GPs I think and it's very different. How old is their mother and your DH - I think you are in your late 50s but this a step mother situation not a step gm.

Wise advice GrannyTwice

Those of us who read vampire's posts know that she has problems and I think some of these posts are rather unkind.

Ann- sorry but its not always kind to just offer sympathy - this situation could easily escalate into something really awful - like even less contact. It's wrong to use the phrase 'our children' and the word 'bitch'. Real support and kindness sometimes means saying someone is wrong ; and making suggestions)

Often on line rather than face to face it is easy to misinterpret what is being said - it happens on here all the time. It is hard to grasp the nuances of what is being said. It does sound as though vq is aware that she needs to be cool - and I hope that the opportunity to sound off on here will go a small way to making that task easier. Good luck with what is a difficult situation.

there are two children jnvolved who may have or may develop problems , I think most mothers here would flinch at a step mother referring to the children as her children , and really this is what our children implies . It can be difficult being a step parent , my younger daughter has an excellent relationship with her 11 year old step daughter , she set boundary lines , never attends a parents evening , always consults with the mother if taking the little girl on a shopping spree or holidays , and this must be difficult for my daughter who has had 14 failed IVF treatments so longs to be a mother, she loves her step daughter but respects the fact she is not her child , the child has a mother

Words seem to have lost their meaning. I always thought a step-mother was someone who looked after the children when their mother had died or "disappeared". I have friends in the same position as vq. The children call her Helen and refer to her as "my Dad's wife ."They are still very fond of her but there is no confusion in their mind as to who is who.

A step parent is the second husband / wife of the child's natural parent , a person who takes in a child who is in need of a home is a foster parent