Have I got a choice?

I'd simply say 'lovely idea' (re the park) and carry on as if normal. After all it is your GS you want to see and you will.

Mighty oaks from little acorns grow.

Accept with pleasure..

Yep, great advice Anya, and the only way forwards. I learnt a long time ago that you have to eat humble pie and even crawl- and that grandchildren are truly worth it.

Agreed. Meeting in the park is a perfectly good idea. Why knock it?

Maybe you're right and there is something wrong with your daughter-in-law, in which case let her be. She's allowed to have something wrong with her. It isn't about you.

And if she has got something wrong with her of course she will prefer her own mother's company to yours. That isn't about you either. Take yourself out of the picture and just be agreeable.

I too would counsel against "overthinking " it. She may not be comfortable getting on with chores while her in-laws are there, I for one like the place to myself and she might feel you could be judging the state of the place before she gets going with the Hoover or whatever. Most houses are a bit of a tip after the weekend, aren't they? It sounds a bit weird, but on the basis that DGS will enjoy being in the park, go with it. I am assuming plan B will be for you to have him at your house?
She may be a bit short on social skills, but don't read too much into it!
I hope you all have a lovely time!

Hi and thanks for your response. Problem I have with meeting at 9am is I have been very ill (didn't want to the labour the point) and running around the park after a toddler at that time isn't really on for me as I am not strong enough yet - have just managed to walk without a stick. I am concerned that when DIL drives off DS is going to be upset (' he's very clingy' she told me) and I will have to call her back....it's about a 15 minute drive from their house to the park. I Know all about the 'zipping' and not commenting and I've obeyed all the 'rules' but to be effectively barred from going to the house is hurtful and puts my son in a very difficult position.
Anyway, thanks again for your comments but I'll have to wait until I'm fitter to take up DIL's offer...

Won't 18 month old DGS be in a buggy some of the time -apart from in the little kiddies' playground?
I fear you may be cutting off your nose to spite your face, unless you can come up with a reasonable alternative.

You mention "our house" and "we" so I presume you have a husband or partner or friend living with you. Why don't you take him or her to the park as well to do the running about you anticipate?

It doesn't matter if you don't understand why your DiL is behaving as she is. She's not cutting you off from your grandchild. You have nothing to complain about that I can see.

So, in answer to your opening question, in my view, no, you haven't got a choice? Why on earth do you expect to have a choice about someone else's child?

I wonder if it's something to do with your sons partner 'moving in with him' which sounds as if the house is still regarded as 'his' and she feels uncomfortable in some way. I'm not saying this to ciritiscise by the way because I'm in a similar position in that, being honest about it I still feel strange about the fact that the house that we helped my son with, both physically and financially is now nothing to to with us and that, for quite a while we could just pop in to see him and now we have to arrange to do so [which is, of course, how it should be].

Alea - she is comfortable with getting on with chores while we are/were at the house. That formed the basis of our visits before I was hospitalised....'can you come round at 4 as I need to cook/clean the bathroom/ Hoover etc etc.

Tegan - you could be right of course but if she is, then it's something new. We seemed ok before my hospitalisation. I guess I'm feeling delicate after what happened to me and find it hurtful that DIL doesn't appear to want to have any thing to do with us apart from dropping off and collecting DGS at the park! I didn't have an infectious disease - just was very ill and lucky to survive. Didn't really want to hear that but doctors insist on saying how it is!!

This is a difficult situation for you and after all your illness must feel like the last straw.

The only piece of advice that I might venture is that it might be better not to discuss this with your son, as your DIL might view this as going behind her back and this might make the situation worse. I think you probably have to go with her flow and see GS in the park - I know you are a bit wary of it, but it is all that is on offer.

Lucky girl. No, she won't know I have told my son - he would never tell her. He has noticed that she has withdrawn from us and he is upset about it.
We all got on ok - until I got ill. To be honest her suggestion of dropping him off at the park makes me feel like a childminder. She will spend 40 to 50 minutes at the least, depending on traffic, driving to and from the park twice. I don't think it's unreasonable for anyone in my position to wonder what the hell is going on. Maybe she thinks I will drop dead in the house but it won't matter if I am in the park with DGS!!

It is a fact that some people are wary of illness in others. I came across this when a fellow singer refused point blank to countenance giving a lift to another singer who had early MS and who lived very near her. She was normally a very kind and pleasant person, but she ran a mile from this idea.

Lucky girl - I'm making good progress. Full recovery soon. Not walking with a stick. Clean living and God fearing. Have to joke or I'd cry.....

It may be that she feels pressured to keep the house tidier if you are coming round - I know that's how I felt with my MiL. If you are working or have a small child, the last thing you need is an MiL saying' Did you know you could reach that grease under your cooker with a sharp knife?' especially since I hadn't even noticed it was there! Or turning my washing up bowl over to inspect the base...

Years ago my MIL had an operation and was being discharged from hospital but FIL was still at work, I invited her to come to our house thinking she would only be with us a day or two. My MIL stayed 8 weeks and did not want to go home, she even started suggesting that she might stay permanently if we built an extension. I am just telling you this as perhaps an explanation as to why your DIL is wary.

Are there indoor places in the park that you could use if the weather isn't so good?

Are there ducks and/or other animals? You could make feeding the ducks part of his routine. Everyone (well nearly everyone) likes to feed ducks.

Could you take a rug and some toys so that you can sit for a while but still play with him when the weather is nice?

It's difficult but I don't see what else you can do atm. If you say no then your DIL could say she offered and you didn't bother. If your DS makes a fuss it could lead to friction at home which wouldn't be good for your DGS.

I think you'll just have to bite the bullet, see your DGS on her terms and hope that in the future she eases up a bit.

Harrigran a friend of mine's MiL did that to her - not only that, but one of her daughters had kindly given up her room as it was nicer than the tiny guest room. In the end, she was the one who evicted her grandma by telling her that school started next week and she wanted her room back! She had been there for six weeks, and wasn't even ill.

louisamay, I understand you feel you are not physically well enough to deal with an 18 month old child on your own, even if he is in a pushchair.
As this is the only option being offered, tho, is it possible to take someone with you?

I agree with others, this most likely is not about you so all you can do is put up and shut up.

Heck! Am I the only one who sympathises with louisamay? Some of this is about her. She has been very ill and surely has some status within the family dynamic?

I think the DIL is being selfish and uncaring and is obviously using the child as emotional ammo.

I'm b*****ed if I'd want to be traipsing round a park early in the morning if I wasn't firing on all cylinders.

I think the only person who can sort this out is her DS.

It makes my blood boil when grandparents are treated like doormats

Golly Merlot- I totally agree, and I think most here do and really sympathise. But we are talking about a way forward which will not lead to an excuse to stop contact with the GCs- which it seems maybe what dil wants. Asking DS to take sides is asking for trouble to my mind. Show willing and let her win this one- asking DH/partner to support to make it a success- and it may well lead to a truce and better access long-term.

I have total sympathy with Louisamay and feel her pain.

I do sympathise with louisamay but don't see how the situation can be improved if her DS and DiL can't talk about it between themselves.
We don't know what pressures they might be feeling and it sounds as though louisamay doesn't either, so she can really only accept the situation as offered, it seems to me.

She can, of course, compliment the DiL on her lovely son and how well she is looking after him, as well as showing pleasure at spending time with him.

louisemay. I'm sorry to hear you've been so ill, but it seems you are making a good recovery. You are indeed fortunate to see your grandson & your son for a couple of hours each week.

Meeting in the park sounds fine. If you feel it is too physically demanding for you at present, then say so.

Be content with what you have. It is more than many have.