To feel like I'm bottom of the list ALL the time?

One million elderly people are lonely.........there is a lot of time I am one of those.I wish I were nearer to be more help to my kids.

Famine or feast that's life isn't it.

Delegate stuff...........just say what you need people to do, they will help I am sure.

I have very similar commitments ,although the pleasure I receive from looking after all DGC at various times tends to counteract a very old frail mother and a very difficult and poorly DH . Last Christmas I did all the preparation and planning to have Christmas at our mother's who still lives in the large family home with my single brother ,and on Christmas Day I got the turkey in, veg prepared( by us all I admit) and I suddenly felt so ill and couldn't face eating a meal. I went home and spent the whole of Christmas and New Year with flu ( had the jab!) . I must secretly admit I quite enjoyed it ! Moral of this story is a dumbed down Christmas this year .Secret Santa for the adults , every one is doing and bringing a dish ,bought pudding and cake . Even the tree is going to be fake .Sometimes we have to say STOP no more !

Small point - can you contact the gym, explain that due to temporary circumstances you are unable to use your 10-week membership right now and can it be frozen/deferred? It's in the gym's interest to keep you happy so that you might come back/sign up for a full annual membership, so they may be accommodating.

For the rest - as has been pointed out already, your health must be paramount. If all this extra running around for others has impacted your health (and I think it may well have) then you need to consider - what will all these people do if I am so ill I can do nothing for them? Well - they'd have to make other arrangements.

I suggest you tell your daughters that right now, with their dad laid up, you need to cut back on what you do for them. And yes, point out that it's impacting your health, the GP has called you in. For starters, knock the GC's swimming lessons on the head. They can learn later, it's too much right now. Next - stop thinking the house has to be 'visitor ready'. Because what that really means is that you don't want people to see that you're struggling. Stop that, it's what's got you to this point <hug>. Can your DDs/DS do anything for their granddad to take it off your hands? I'll bet they could, if you asked. And finally, for the longer term, your eldest daughter's work hours have changed. If that's permanent she needs to alter her childcare to suit, not have you pick it up.

Christmas - you have three adult children, at least two of whom have children. Perhaps it is time for one of them to host? I first hosted the family Christmas when my wonderful MIL was ill one year. She was better the next year and wanted to host again, so they wouldn't have to commit to taking on the host role permanently, just this year when both their parents are poorly. Worth thinking about?

You need to start considering yourself first. Try to think of yourself as the first-aider helping them out. The first thing a first-aider has to consider, before ANYTHING else, is; is this environment safe for me to enter? Because the first-aider is no help to the wounded if they walk in and get wounded too. This current 'environment' is making you ill, so you need to prioritise that before giving aid.

IMHO Takingthemick your post was very harsh. The OP is looking for a shoulder to lean on at this time not criticism. The fathers could be anywhere, dead, in prison, just cleared off leaving the mum to look after them. Our own DD2 has escaped from the moron her spouse turned out to be. This means DH and I are much more heavily involved with DGS than first intended and sometimes this can be exhausting. The alternative would be having DD2 and DGS living with a complete nutter. Oh to have a crystal ball.

If I knew how to change it I would have typed 'all together' instead of 'altogether' :-)

Anyone know how to edit?

Try saying 'No, I cannot help out that day because I have other commitments'. You do not need to explain what they are. Then go to the gymn. Do not feel guilty. Get some 'Me time'!

Good heavens! How on earth do you cope with all that? I would suggest you get help from social services. One person will not be able to cope with all that responsibility. Sometimes you can be too accommodating and then you will be 'expected' to help out.

You are entitled to some time to yourself, so for what it is worth, I suggest that you get them altogether, tell them how you are finding it hard to cope and get them to muck in a bit more.

Health is important so you must look after yourself or you will not be able to help anyone with anything. See your doctor and ask for advice on getting help, and for getting a grip on your diabetes.

Immaculate conception comes to mind reading this. Where on earth are the fathers of these children? I'm sorry but you must like being the "martyr"

Lots of very good advice.

How about using the opportunity to tackle your diabetes? My daughter got hers under control by eating only fruit (any), vegetables (any)and a daily portion of protein (egg, yogurt, cheese, meat, fish) a you like. It works and your blood sugar will be stable and reliably controlled.

Give it a try - see it work!

Good luck

Hi and I do realise how hard it is to give up any of this looking after...been there...the thing is though, the resentment builds up and up until you get unwell yourself..and then you're no help to anyone. You've just hit a hard time, when everyone seems to want a piece of you and it would be good if you could reduce that even a little bit. I used to book a taxi for my parents in your situation. It's not cheap but money well spent. Not only can you have a drink and relax but you all know what time the taxi is coming(!) It's very reasonable to expect everyone including you, to be able to have a drink on Xmas day. The other thing is, other people really aren't as bothered if we say 'no', as we think they're going to be(which begs the question who's got the problem really) so perhaps you could negotiate a little time for the gymn-stand your ground-and say you really need it as time out-it's surprising how others will bend to support you (for a change) when you put them up to it....I would take a deep breath and bite the bullet. You may be surprised.

I think your health is the main factor here.Have you been managing to keep the diabetes well controlled until recently?This needs sorting out first because the stress and the physical demands on you must be taking their toll.When you see the GP,tell him about your daily life.I think he/she will suggest that you need to cut back your commitments and you could use this as a starting point for a conversation with your family.It is very hard to say no when you are the kind of person who always steps in to help but you can say that you need to have a few more hours for yourself.Sit down and discuss what can be done,such as a carer or help from social services with your FIL.
I hope you feel better soon and get back your gym time.

Then you just sit down with family and work out how you can get your gym time back.

2 years ago, I was advised by my Diabetes nurse to go on to insulin. I refused to stick needles in to mself.
Then because of an unfortunate situation, I couldn't get food for 7 hrs and I was not well.
I returned to the nurse and said that I would give insulin a try.
What a God send! I wish I had taken her advice before. I am so much better in myself and the needles are so fine, I don't even feel them going in. My needles are 5mm 31G - 0.25mm.

In the nicest possible way, you've made a rod for your own back.

Your dd has suggested that it's all too much. So agree with her and drop the childcare (or some of it). Her children are not your problem. Set some boundaries about them visiting you. And yes, get your friends to help out with lunches. They'd understand, really.

As for the FIL, I sympathise because I'm in the same boat and spend much of Xmas running round after selfish relatives. Could you freeze and deliver a cooked dinner in advance so he can heat it up himself?

Next year, make sure someone else hosts, or take yourself off for a cruise or something. X.

Frankly, if your FiL could afford to pay for help and won't (and there's no dementia involved) then that's his lookout, IMO. If it were me I'd just tell him firmly that I'm sorry, but I have too many other commitments. I would probably offer to help him find someone to come in. .
If he refuses/sulks, let him.

We had a similar problem with an old aunt of dh's - plenty of money but loathed parting with any of it. Other people should run around after her 'for love', never mind that she'd never have done the same on a regular basis. We lived too far away - a 2 hour drive - to be able to do much so she relied on neighbours who were mostly old and pretty decrepit themselves, and I would have the poor old things on the phone wailing that they couldn't cope any more. It was very difficult, but I could only tell them to back off - it was the only way.
We had previously arranged carers for her, but she wouldn't have any of them - too loud, too 'common', or, shock horror, black! But it was really the money the old Queen Midas objected to.

It's hard to say no so you take on more and more. I think there has been some good advice given about FIL and Christmas but you need to sort out some time for you.

Imagine you had been asked to care for a neighbour for one morning/afternoon a week. You would say yes because that's the way you are. So plan it. When/how would you fit it in? What would you have to re-schedule? When you've worked it out then that's your time. No one should be allowed to encroach on it just as if you were caring for someone else.

You are the lynchpin in so many people's worlds but a lynchpin has to be oiled and cared for or it can't do it's job. You need to have time to care for yourself.

Your story is basically mine a few years back. This is going to sound harsh, but someone had to die before I got any time back, & it could well have been me with the strain I was under. Lots of good suggestions here but I'll just add one:

Ask for Christmas dinner to be at one of your daughters' houses this year as you've enough on your plate, or book a Christmas meal out for everyone as their Christmas present. That'll save shopping too :D

Good luck x

Your DD is right. It is the point. It is getting to much for you but you are struggling on and then moaning to her. You have to learn to say no. This is your life, it is different in emergencies but you are giving up your life for others. If you know friends are coming in on certain days, maybe you could ask them if they would mind making your husband's lunch. You have to admit to people that things are getting too much but before the event not before it or while you are doing it. Don't become a martyr because that will just annoy people and make them feel bad. My mother was good at that.

Stuff the house being "visitor ready"...they've come to see your OH & not the house so just leave it

Have you read about the 8 week blood sugar diet ( Michael Mosley) , I wondered if that might help the diabetes ?
Good luck

There is a lot to be said for living too far from family to be of any use; and yet...I wish I lived near to them! The grass is always greener on the other side!
Caramac, I think you are a saint and I hope that when your DH is better, he will take responsibility for his grumpy old dad because I do feel that he has been one burden too far for you.

I'm an only child and ended up looking after my parents from a distance. I also have a DD who's single with 3 children who is quite fragile at times and grumpy at others. Sometimes I feel DH makes the children a priority - which really they should be because they've had a tough time - but there are occasions when I would like to be the priority. It is hard to say 'no' but with my parents I did learn to organise care and shout if things weren't as agreed. It was exhausting and stressful though so I have every sympathy.

Someone once said to me - if you never say no what is your yes worth, think about it.

Stand in front of the mirror and practice saying the word 'No'. Do this 100 times a day for a week and then go out and next time your family make any demand on you, say it.

Someone once told me when I was struggling that "if you don't put your hand up and ask for help, you won't get any." So true. And you do need, and are entitled to, help. I hope you manage to get the help you so need.

Also if you think your GP is going to prescribe insulin the last thing you need is all this stress.