Flown In From Overseas - now DD says I have to stay in an Hotel!

If you've money to finance her car , home etc then a few days in a B and B shouldn't break the bank and will give you both a bit of space. You are obviously concerned about her lifestyle choices but she's an adult and you can't unfortunately call the shots. You have chosen to bail her out financially as a caring mum, but if this becomes more difficult or you are worried it's actually supporting the deadbeat BF then gradually scale back.

Nanabilly, "unschooling," apparently, is a form of "homeschooling," and yet, different:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unschooling

As it says here^^^^:

"Unschooling is an educational method and philosophy that advocates learner-chosen activities as a primary means for learning. Unschooling students learn through their natural life experiences including play, household responsibilities, personal interests and curiosity, internships and work experience, travel, books, elective classes, family, mentors, and social interaction...."

I understand the op's and dh's concerns about this. But it's not their call, imo.

Btw, good point about not wanting to stay in dd's flat if the bf is there! Op, there would very likely be discomfort and tension. Also IF his dd is there, maybe she's using that sofa bed, Imo, you'll be better off in a hotel/motel for as long as you can afford and wish to stay.

Also, I know why you and dh are concerned about the "unschooling." But nothing you are doing for dd entitles you to a say in how she educates her child. Threatening to stop financing her car unless she does your bidding and sends gd to school? Way out of line, imo!

The car is tied to her ability to work, right? Why would you threaten that, anyhow? Yes, maybe it would be better if she had to pay for public transportation, but then she would have less money for/turn to you for other things. If you and dh would rather have it that way, that's something you'll have to discuss. But, imo, you shouldn't use the car as leverage to get a vote in parental decisions.

I think it's great that she pays for a child minder on her own. Her day, as I understand it, is divided between work and childcare, for the most part, and, of course, household chores. You can't begrudge her some free time, here and there, surely?

What a frustrating situation, fishandchips!

I take it that you and dh have helped dd so much because you wanted her out of that abusive marriage as much as she did. Also because you want GD to have a home, food to eat, etc. Hopefully, there's an end goal for dd to become more self sufficient/a plan in place where she will eventually earn enough to support herself and gd and no longer need to depend on you and dh.

If not, imo, this is something you need to take up with her. But not now because it will look as if you're doing it out of anger. I suggest waiting till you've been home a while and contacting her about this then.

It might be a good idea to begin cutting back on financing her gradually. I wouldn't pull the rug out from under her all at once. That could end up hurting gd (due to financial issues) and might lead to backlash on dd's part (i.e. not letting you visit or see gd in the future).

But I agree with paddyann that there shouldn't be strings attached to your help. The fact that you pay someone's rent does not entitle you to stay in their home. Nor does the fact that you bought somebody a sofa bed mean that you're entitled to sleep on it. It's a gift like any other - once given, it belongs to the other person to do with as they choose.

As for staying in a hotel/motel - Can you afford it? Are you willing to? It sounds as if you can but just don't want to. If that's the case, then either skip the visit altogether or cut it short. (You can tell dd you can't afford more than x number of days in the hotel/motel.) Do only what you can with a glad heart. And don't do/say anything that will add tension to the visit. That's my advice.

What do you mean by "unschooling"?
Is the child being home educated or having no education at all. If the boyfriend is not so bright he's a great example and is not going to help is he?
Is your daughter bright enough to home educate? Sorry I Hope that does not offend but you don't very often find one half of a couple educated and the other not. Couples tend to pick similar to themselves in the education area .As far as i have found at least.
I worry about all this home ed stuff I think it is often just laziness.
As for the money giving side of it , I think others have all ready said it...Stop it !!!
The lodging with daughter ..I would not want to if he is there.

I would not give her any more money , you have made her dependant on you and for her own sake she should learn to stand on her own two feet . You have indulged her so much she has come to expect that you will always bale her out of every situation. Book yourself into a travel lodge and spend time with your DGD but its time to call it a day on the bank of Mum .

I would be very upset and angry too but often people with these "bohemian"-type lifestyles don't think much further than the next couple of hours ahead and live quite precarious lives.

It would be a huge shame if you rowed with your daughter and didn't see your grand daughter who no doubt is eager to see you. She shouldn't suffer because of her Mum's rather selfish and irresponsible behaviour.

I don't know what the answer is. Is it possible to look online for Airbnb accommodation which is cheaper? I know people who have done this and it has generally been successful.

As others have said, it is very nice of you to help out your daughter with various expenses but perhaps now is the time to gradually start reducing that support. Your daughter at some time needs to be able to stand on her own two feet without expecting others to sort things out for her. And generosity - of spirit if not of finances - should be two-way thing.

Sometimes, the more we give, the more we are crapped on from great height!!
I think you should slowly start reducing the amount you are giving her/paying for. You'd be better off putting it into a future fund for your GD.
She might have boyfriend stay over rather than actually live there.
Try not to be critical of her lifestyle or life choices when you see her. Ask about GDs schooling with genuine interest. It's her choice how she educates her child and I really think you should stay out of this area and certainly not threaten her with refusing to pay for car if GD doesn't go to mainstream school....that's not fair.
Try to enjoy what time you have together. Family life isn't always easy.

Personally if I was you I would book a B&B, go and visit, spend time with daughter and grand-daughter and not give out as much cash, just a token amount.... because really a mother daughter relationship should be able to bridge over any troubled waters but it sounds like you are being pushed out a little despite all the financial help you have given.

Dont just be the cash cow that turns up to be milked at regular intervals - I would hate that as an expectation of my visits. If you want to give some money why not open a bank account for the grand daughter and put some in there (dont tell them about it) - it sounds like she will be needing help to set up in life later.

You daughter sounds like she has had a lot of problems in the past and the present - but its up to her on how and when she gets her life back on track. You may not like the boyfriend moving in but its up to her (unfortunately), sometimes we can see vulnerable people make mistakes in our eyes, but he may be what she needs at this time (it cant have been easy living away from friends in a strange town alone with a little one), or he could be a total shit but its her life decision. Give a token amount of cash (no where near what you have been giving which i think is extortionate - say you cannot give as much as you are paying for hotel/B&B), give her and grandaughter plenty of hugs and kisses and grit your teeth and give the bloke a hug too.

Why not do a load of self addressed envelopes for the grand daughter to post drawings/letters to you...

Good suggestion Desdemona !!

Not sure what I would do in similar circumstances but at a guess I think I would bite the bullet and book a few nights in a cheap B&B, go and visit the grand daughter, take her out and make a fuss of her - then leave without paying any of my adult daughter's bills.

The home schooling thing is a worry. Your daughter sounds a bit feckless - who is checking the standard of her home schooling - do Ofsted?

Dear fishnchips, what a painful situation for you.

I agree with Luckygirl.

You have been very generous and clearly helped your daughter a great deal when help was desperately needed. She has been very fortunate to have your support.

However, such a high level of support can also lead to boundary problems - she probably feels that you have certain expectations and that she 'owes' you in some ways. There is a delicacy about helping and expectation and perceived rights to influence. You are not a frequent visitor and your daughter has made a new life ... maybe one you do not approve of, but it is her life. However, if you feel she is truly abusing the help you have given her, then the decision to hold back further financial support - or perhaps redirect it so that your GD benefits more directly - is yours to make.

I hope you can find a way of steering a course where you have access to your dear GD so that she feels your continued love and support for her.

This cannot all be solved in a short visit. I hope you can make the most of actual contact time you have ahead of you and open up channels of communication in a positive, rather than a chastising way so that you can establish how to show support and assistance - not necessarily all financial, but potentially emotional / practical - in the future.

I do think you must stop funding her lifestyle and let her get on with the business of being an adult.

However I do not think you and your OH should use money as a means of influencing her decisions about her child's education.

Perfect Elegran.!!!

I would look at it that the daughter shouldn't keep taking from someone she can't extend a common courtesy to. Its fine to live life exactly as one wants, but not at others' expense.

Exactly Elegran, I wish you well fishandchips but fear you will have a struggle ahead.

see ..I dont think you should help or give things with conditions attached .Neither should you give and expect them to give the same or more in return.If you dont want to keep helping her then stop doing it,but just because you paid her rent and furnished her home doesn't give you the right to live with her for weeks at a time ...when YOU want to. Its HER home .I too have supported a D after her marriage break up ,and helped financially but it was her life and her choices that counted not mine .

Tell her you can't afford to stay in a hotel at the height of the season as you have spent so much of your money on her, so you are afraid that you will have to divert the car money to that expense.

When you have confirmed that the boyfriend is living with her, suggest that he should be the one to fund the car, in lieu of paying rent. He can pay his share of everything else too - if he wants a readymade family he can take on the responsibility of paying part of their way. The pair of them need to grow up.

If you feel very strongly about your grand-daughter going to school, then you should do what you said you'd do (stop funding her car) if this doesn't happen.

Not that home schooling isn't schooling, but that's a separate issue.

It sounds as if your daughter needs some powerful 'encouragement' to stand on her own two feet.

Put a lock on your purse! I have to say that she sounds like a complete user, and your amazing generosity has given her a complete sense of entitlement. Other single parents manage, let her fend for herself for a while at least.

Can I suggest that you have over indulged this precious daughter of yours.
She has obviously moved in the boyfriend, as she wishes to do that.
As you have been so good to her financially, why has she not confided in you ?
Do you generally take over her life so that she doesn't think things out for herself ?
Hope you can have a talk with her and sort out the issues and I wish you much luck.

Could you perhaps tell your daughter that you've realised her boyfriend is now living with her, and that you would still like to visit? (If you still would, that is)
She seems to enjoy her bohemian lifestyle funded by you - wouldn't we all? That's a whole other issue though. I would be furious, but then I often am. sorry your trip is not how you had planned.