difficult adult daughter

I do understand how hurt you are feeling. My DD has been using me as her punchbag for the past few years. It would seem everything that goes wrong for her is my fault. She is so angry her life has not turned out the way she hoped and lashes out at me. She behaves like a spoilt 6yrold when she's in her 30s. And yes I always get demands to explain how she has been abusive me but because I let it go I struggle to give her examples. I've been so patient because she is always so sensitive but this has been a big mistake. I should have told her to grow up years ago. Sometimes I just can't be bothered defending myself anymore. Whatever I do is wrong. If I make contact I'm being needy, If I don't then I'm being uncaring. sometimes I feel I just can't be bothered anymore. I hope you can get over this phase of her life and enjoy the bond you still have. Good luck.

I had the same treatment from my 46 (FORTYSIX!) year old daughter for a couple of years . I swallowed the hurt thinking that she must be tired/stressed with a three year old and working fulltime. In between the outbursts she is fine and although it is not nice to be insulted by your children, it is probably better they let their frustrations out on us than someone who might not be so understanding.

Sorry - just realised that you said you wouldn't be going! In my experience there may be a risk of this becoming a protracted situation and she will revert to the fact that you didn't come to meet her ( I speak from experience lol)! I would arrange another meeting maybe a few weeks later and say that you will hopefully have recovered by then! So you have made your point but also thrown her a lifeline ?

Saying things at the time when others are present can cause an atmosphere, so I wouldn't do so either. I would, being a polite person, put up with it like the poster did. I think sending the message, as it is written here a good idea. I would never have dreamed of speaking to my Mum in that manner.

I have struggled in the same way with my daughter who is the same age! I think we are easy targets lol!
I think it is great that you pointed out that hr behaviour upset her - stand firm if she makes excuses or tries to shift the blame to you or infer that you had any responsibility for it! I would meet her as planned - but you could pre empt it by saying to her that you hope it is a more pleasant experience ( or words to that effect). Give her a chance to change her behaviour or reflect - I think daughters can default to child mode and forget that we too have feelings. I admire that you pointed this out to her - I do need to do that more often as I struggle in a similar way - but communication is important ( and forgiveness too)! Don't let it become a long protracted issue - unless it continues of course! I hope that you can go and meet her.

I think like your daughter says it might have been better to say something at the time and I would most certainly do that it might of led to a bad atmosphere at the time but things like this fester in families in the future if she acts like a child I would treat her like one and tell her off for her rudeness

ziggy62 I feel for you, I have been there and got the teashirt. When your child behaves badly towards you, it is more painful than words can say. When you have given birth, adored and loved that child through thick and thin all their lives, and then they are verbally abusive towards you it does hurt enormously. I have lived through this so I understand. I don't have much advice because the situation continues, on and off, for me. It often seems you can't do right for doing wrong. Do you think she could be upset about your new husband? Is she jealous/resentful of the new person in your life? And is her own father around?
In my case I tend to withdraw when I'm attacked, and it might be your reaction too, judging by your saying you don't want to go the preplanned lunch with her, I'm guessing that withdrawal may be your response too. For some of us, conflict is too painful and difficult so we avoid it.
I think that probably, as you've said you won't be going, probably best not to go to the lunch. You have been assertive in saying that, maybe she will respect you more in the end because of that. I would advise texting her as you always have done, wait a while for the dust to settle, then make a new lunch date with her. Good luck.

She asked for examples of her bad behaviour. Forward a copy of your post. You explained it beautifully. I would feel exactly the same as you do. Daughters like this always put you on your back foot and usually make you feel as though everything is your fault. I do feel for you.

Tell her to grow up.

'Don't be rude' is a useful phrase...........use it at the time, no point sending letter (which I think is emotional admin) after the event. I don't understand why people tread so carefully around their AC, I would make my feelings known at the time, in the hope that it would stop there.

I see a lot of this among my friends, and on GN who are these horrible adults who think they have the right to abuse their parents kindness. Tell her off. If she decides to go away and stay away then you are relieved of a problem. I think it is a cheek of people to go on a hen night (or any other night) and knowingly inflict their hang over on others, insist she shows you some respect, because if she doesn't know when you are older and maybe more vulnerable she will treat you even worse.

She would not behave like this with other people, she is using her child relationship with you to vent her spleen, she is not your baby anymore, she is a grown up. Stop the tantrums.

I hear this sort of thing all the time from friends who have daughters ! I would do as others have said , write down what she did to upset you and send it . It would do her good to understand how nasty and rude she was to you . She possibly had a hangover but it is no excuse to make the visit a misery for you .

Sounds like you should have pulled her up at the time and she should have said if she was too tired/hungover/grumpy to do the planned activities.

Maybe some more open communications would help.

If she had been at a hen party is it possible that she was a bit hungover/unwell and didn't really feel up to the sightseeing itinerary that you'd planned but didn't know how to tell you?

It is a sad state to get into, through apparently no fault of yours. Sometimes, we have to be bigger than others, who are rude, and just leave an option for them to come back to you. I think having happiness with your new man might have some bearing on the events described. Good luck.

is your "new" husband very new? Does she feel you're replacing her dad ? Maybe she doesn't want to see you being happy around someone else if thats what you've done in HER opinion.On his own your OH wont be the same problem just when you're together and she can see you wont be getting back with her Dad.My GD was exactly the same when her dad wasgetting married ,she was fine with him living with his partner ,marriage was very different,my GD is only 10 though ,but theres no accounting for feelings no matter what age we are

Give her the examples, in writing.

Tired and grumpy is one thing, there's no reason for total rudeness.

It depends how stubborn she is. What happens if she never gets in touch?

That's awful behaviour. What does your husband make of it? She seems to have singled you out as she was fine with the others. She's asked for examples of the behaviour that reduced you to tears and if I were you I'd put it all down in writing, no holds barred, and send it to her. I'd finish the letter by saying that you won't be meeting with her at the end of the month as you've no wish to have a repeat of recent events. Then I'd wait for her to get in touch.

I hope everything works out for you.

Forgive me but she sounds like a stroppy 14 year old.
You have my sympathy.
What does your OH think?
I wish I could offer some constructive advice but fwiw, I think you have done the right thing regarding your meal out. Keep the lines of communication open and remain friendly and give it some time.
I hope it all works out for you. ?

Perhaps you could meet at the end of August and just say that you hope the two of you get on better this time. I'm sorry you have been hurt by her thoughtless behaviour. Well done for pointing it out. Hope things improve.