To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

Well done Nannyone for starting to look at this through new eyes I think in your panic to spare your grandson you have overlooked your daughter and her partners needs and lasting love Five years is a long time to be part time partners everyone wants the security and closeness of a live in partner
Now instead of being anti change, you can help your daughter achieve this by talking some sense into the big guy

Good luck

At 22 he is quite able to fend for himself, so let him go. Your daughter has done a magnificent job on her own (I know personally how difficult it can be, especially in the teenage years). Now she is entitled to some happiness of her own. It may be an empty threat - especially when he discovers how much he is and has been supported by the Bank of Mum

Nannyone.Your DD is to be admired for bringing up her children under such circumstances.
She should be allowed happiness but there appears to me to be some possessiveness on the part of your GS.
What if GS meets someone and wants to move in with them ?Would he consider his mother ?I doubt it.
Support your daughter she has done a grand job now let her have a life.

Nannyone, I hope you have seen that there is another way to look at this.

It's understandable that you don't want your daughter to be hurt again, but she is already in a relationship; the man moving in won't change that. The only way to avoid being hurt is to cut yourself off from the world and I am sure you don't want that for her.

I don't see why this relationship, poses such a risk, as some posters seem to think. DH and I had known each other for only 8 months , meeting on some weekends. That's taking a flyer on a relationship. Knowing each other for 5 years and, only when the children are supposedly ready to accept it, moving in together seems very cautious. We none of us know what life has in store, so carpe diem, and be happy.

I'm so glad you are changing your mind nannyone Life is never without risk. Your daughter is willing to take a chance, don't they say that you regret the things you didn't do rather than those you did.
All the best

NannyOne I suggest you tell your daghter how proud you are of her and the way she has worked, studied and supported her children since her unfaithful OH departed.

Tell her you like the nice man she's been seeing for the last five years and you will be pleased if he moves in with her if that's what they both want.

Say you realise that her son is not sure about how it might work out and offer to reassure him and explain to him that she is entitled to a happy future.

She will be glad to have your support. I hope all goes well.

Five years is quite a chunk of time. Have any of you met this man? Are there any reasons to doubt his intentions or to dislike him? If not: how close are you with the GS? Close enough to have an open discussion about the fact that his mother is not just a mother but also a woman and a human being? That she needs someone to love her and care for her, to share her life with? To point out that he probably hopes to one day find someone he loves and that he will want to share a life with? Is he prepared to stick to dating until his mother passes away?
You don't necessarily need to be this harsh and frank, but you need to find a way to make him understand that his reluctance is most probably born from fear that his mother will have to share her time and attention and maybe even some of her priorities with the new partner but that in the end he will (hopefully) have a mother who is happier and who will have some to share her troubles and burdens with. She has dedicated over 20 years of her life to raising her children, she should be able to get some support and understanding for trying to also take care of her own needs. You have not mentioned what happened with the cheating ex. Is he still in the picture? Does he have a new family? Has he abandoned the children or cut contact? If this is what your GS is afraid of you may help him see that his mother doesn't intend to repeat that even if she needs to make space for one more person in her life: she is not moving away!
As someone above posted, the children's attitude can have an enormous influence on how the new arrangement will work and agreeing that all of you will at least be civil and give the new partner a chance would go a long way to ensure everyone continues to enjoy the family life.
Before you speak with your GS though, I think you need to really try and understand why you are so negative about this move or the two of you will end up comiserating instead of helping alleviate your fears over this change.

Glad that you have taken the sensible advice.
The first step is just a quiet chat with GS - start with his future plans.

I've been reading all the responses and I feel sorry I've got my reactions all wrong. I think I just don't want my daughter to be hurt again. I want to help GS deal with this but not sure how.

I have read all the posts and lovely to see lots of support for your daughter here NannyOne. Obviously the family dynamics will change a bit WHEN your daughter's partner moves in. I wonder if this is contributing to your attitude and your reason for taking your GSs side in all of this? Do you see your own role in their lives overshadowed once this happens? It does sound like your eldest GS has had is own way for far too long ....has his girlfriend for overnight stays ... has everything going his way just as he likes it...no wonder he does,nt want this man moving in and cramping his style. Your daughter is not throwing him out...the only throwing is his rattle out the pram. Time for him to adjust to this new arrangement with good grace or make other arrangements.

Whatever happens, count on this being facebook fodder

I could understand concern from the OP and from her DGS if DD had just met this man, perhaps online dating, and they were concerned that she was going to be the potential victim of a conman.

But that doesn't seem to be the case at all.

It had occurred to me Alima it would make a good plot line for a soap too!
At first I thought it must be a wind up as it seemed so outrageous, but then when members started supporting nanny One and the GS I saw that there are apparently people out there who agree with this frankly Victorian extreme reaction.
I wonder if nannyOne will respond?

I may be mean, but I imagine Nannyone and grandson are both supporting each other in this, because it gives each an ally to support their silly idea that their daughter/mum has to ask permission to be happy.

Anyone else wondering if this whole post is a wind up? It has certainly pressed a lot of buttons.

Unbelievable!
When I logged on this morning there was the idea that the 22yr old was going to be banished to a dank bedsit with violent, drug taking friends and I have just logged in now to find that DDs boyfriend is likely to end up in prison and/or run a brothel from the house!!
Some of you have a vivid imagination!
I suggest OP supports her DD and talks some plain sense to her GS.

I've been in the position of your daughter's "new" partner. DH and I have now been married for 18 years but were both long divorced when we met.
My kids were accepting that I should have a new life but DH's two, who were older than mine (he has a son who was then 21 and his daughter was 25) and had had ten years to get used to the fact that their mother had left for someone else, were resentful and horrible to me. His daughter told me to "just go away" and the night before our wedding, his son tried very hard to talk DH out of it.
18 years down the line, step-daughter is divorced with a daughter of her own and has decided she likes me, though I think that's because she's realised that her dad will need someone to look after him as he ages and she doesn't want the job! She also now tries to inflict herself on my kids who, after being treated very rudely by DH's offspring, have just got on with their lives and don't want to know - though they'd never be rude.
Step-son also divorced with a very messed-up child, is civil but that's about it.
I also have to put up with DH's ex wife at all of their family gatherings. This would be ok but she is also very twisted in her thinking and seems to resent the fact that DH and I have made a go of it (she's on her fourth marriage and seems to have finally run out of steam with men, even though she's a long way from happy) and totally ignores me and refuses to speak to me. I have done nothing to cause this, so after all these years of putting up with it, I have given up on trying to be pleasant to her.
DH insists on dragging me to these events because he wants to see his grandchildren and "wants me with him".
After one Christmas a couple of years ago when both my kids were with in-laws, I had to spend it with DH's family, including the ex, which was absolutely miserable for me, I've told him that's where I draw the line and I will not do it again!
Am I being unreasonable?
I don't think so but I do wish your daughter's new partner better luck, NannyOne.
For what it's worth, if I were your daughter or her new partner, I'd do what you'd prefer and just continue as things are. Everything changes with time.

I'm sorry, I keep having to scroll back up to remind myself how old these 'children's are! One adult, one almost adult and a teenager still old enough to know better. You say your daughter has done a brilliant job bringing them up on her own, well now that they are or should be independent she should be able to move on with her own life. If you are influencing them with your attitude and suggesting that their mum must look after them for the rest of her life then I feel very sorry for your daughter.

A lovely, positive story Judypark. Thank goodness you didn't take heed of your Mum.

What a selfish GS you have. Does he think his mother is too old to have a partner, or does not deserve to be happy, or does he feel that every life decision she makes has to be agreed by him? He should think about getting on with his own life; I think I might have had some strong words with him before now about his five years of rudeness to her partner, who must be a patient and tolerant man. Just who does your GS think he is?

Nanny one, you could be my Mum. Many years ago after the same scenario that your daughter went through I met a lovely man. I mentioned to Mum that he was going to move in. I was met with cries of "What about the poor children" The said children were in their late teens and because of their social life I rarely saw them, ships that pass in the night.
I remember saying to Mum have you any idea what it's like coming home to an empty house every night and having no one to talk about your day? Mother replied that she was hoping that I would have met a nice doctor ( I was a nurse at the time)
Thankfully I ignored her, 21 very happy years later we are still together, my children and grandchildren adore him.

I think it's only one who will be 'disrupted' - two of the 'children' are officially adult anyway.

I believe the youngers will be disrupted. It is my opinion that she can wait.

Norah there is NOTHING in Nannyone post that indicatates the 16 year old and the 19 year old are unhappy with the partner moving in so why on earth are you suggesting she waits another what four / five years Very Selfish of anyone to expect that and I feel really angry on behalf of that good Mum