Things You Should Never, Ever Say Over Text or Email

"give up no" = "give up now". Sorry!

Smileless2012 Thank you for such kind words. You have made me feel better! Yes, she said it in front of the Widow at my mother's funeral. Actually I ought to ignore her as she's known to be rather dim! I was trying not to write too much butI should have said by now, her email did not come from her address, it was sent from her business email address so looked like I was being sent a new email from business address I didn't know, wanting to sell me something. I did not recognise the business email address and I do not open emails that look suspect. Sorry but I actually didn't remember until my daughter reminded me!
The man who died and his lovely wife did so much to help my mum who had Alzheimer's, so I had grown to love them very much and went to school with their daughter who also nursed my Dad when he was dying. This person and my cousin (much older than I) were in the habit of using staying at my house on their periodic visits near me, when they had to come to my region for other reasons. They said it was a chance for free b&b to see me. She would always phone to arrange these visits! I might have given away my attitude to her now, but I did get hurt when she made it appear in front of a very dear friend that I hadn't bothered to notice her husband had died.
I may give up this thread no as I've learned a lot THANKS ALL! and will try to explain all the circs more clearly in future!

Luzdoh, it isn’t helpful to eke out important pieces of information. If you want honest opinions, then at least tell us the full story.

luzdoh Thanks for your kind wishes.
I think when someone dies, there is always a risk of people not finding out, or being informed.
I had a lovely handwritten note sent home with my grandson, addressed to my daughter, asking how she was, and if she had maybe changed her number, since the writer had had no response to texts and so on. It was quite wretched to read, and even worse having to phone the lady and tell her.

MawBroon, Ah well, I don't take advice from people who say "End of". It sounds so stupid and pompous and all the people I know who have said it to me happen to be so ignorant!

Oh! This email did not have a friend's address, it was sent from her business email address so looked like I was being sent a new email from an address I didn't know, wanting to sell me something. I did not recognise the business email address and I do not open emails that look suspect.

My email account does that too anno, I always have a quick skim through Promotions first before deleting.

Having said that, DH does have a list of three or four people to contact if anyone in the club he belongs to dies; instead of one person phoning to tell 50 people the message and any further details can get passed on quite quickly.

You didn't see the email luzdoh, you didn't deliberately ignore it and it's perfectly understandable that failing to see it has upset you.

I wouldn't say it was inappropriate for your cousins wife to pass on this sad news via email but it was most certainly inappropriate for her to say to you, in front of others, "Don't forget to check your emails in future". Have I read your OP correctly? Did she say that to you in front of the deceased's widow when you'd seen her for the first time for your mother's funeral.

Gmail separates my emails into three categories: Primary, Social and Promotions. I usually do a bulk deletion of the Promotions!

An email, like the fax before it, is a letter sent by more rapid means. I would be more than happy for my relicts to let my friends know by email when I finally hand in my dinner pail. Rather that than Facebook or text.

Luzdoh, I agree with MawBroons post, if you give out your email address then you should look at them regularly.
As this happened some years ago, I think you need to move on. It wasn’t an ideal way to be told of a friends death, but you were contacted. I expect that the widow and your friend were upset that the email was ignored.

Hell will freeze over before I defer to the Readers Digest as my guide to etiquette.
No luzdoh if you get emails from friends it is incumbent on you to open and read them.
End of.

I think Farmor's advice is very good - set up a different email address to use for companies you are ordering from, so that only personal emails go to your current email address.

Esspee You did not read my message properly. The person who emailed was supposed to be a friend of the family of the man who died. The person who emailed was NOT THE WIDOW BUT A PERSON WHO OFFERED TO LET SOME PEOPLE KNOW! She was not upset particularly about the death. I was dealing with my own mother's death and the emailer knew this. The emailer was in the habit of phoning me. Incidentally, you are in the minority. Also, Reader's Digest say a death is one of the things you should never inform by email or by text. I am most exasperated that people think I wanted the widow to tell me. Why do people on GN not read what is written?

Oh Nonnie I am so sorry to hear about your DS. Please would you browse my replies to others, for I have explained it was not the family of the deceased about whom I am writing? I have explained it a lot so forgive me not repeating. I will reiterate that I was bereaved at 41 when my husband suddenly committed suicide. Even then I knew it would have been worse had it been one of our children. I am devastated to hear of what you have been through. You are so strong too! I have read many of your messages and enjoy what you say. I hope it won't offend if I say God Bless you. (It's my way.) I sincerely hope the pain you have to carry is receiving comfort which gives it meaning.

I agree Bridgeit, what is odd here is that this person, who was not the bereaved person and was only telling a handful of people she knew, was in the habit of phoning me. It turned out, people said, she seemed to feel important telling people about the death! Some people here seem to think I expected his poor widow to phone me. Please be reassured, as someone who was suddenly widowed at 41 with 3 ch I wouldn't dream of that! The emailer (my cousin's wife) was an unrelated neighbour to the deceased and only had a handful of people she knew to tell and she was by no means terribly in grief.

Grannyknot I'm so sorry. The article in Reader's Digest says it's one of the things never to send by email or by text. Thank you for your reply. You are one person who seems to have appreciated it was not the bereaved person who sent the email but a person living nearby who was only telling a few people. I learned that she was full of self-importance at going round imparting the news! Makes your shiver! The man who died and his lovely wife did so much to help my mum who had Alzheimer's, so I had grown to love them very much and went to school with their daughter who also nursed my Dad when he was dying. Thanks for writing.

MissAdventure I am so sorry to hear that you lost your daughter. That is the worst bereavement, to lose a child. Of course you could not do anything and no-one would expect you to. I keep explaining - the person who didn't phone was not the bereaved person, she was a neighbour of the man who died who said she would tell a hand full of people she knew. I was the only person she could not meet face to face. She knows me really well, stays with me when she and her husband want somewhere to stay in my area. She was far from burdened with grief but rather seemed to feel important about going round telling people. Again I am so sorry you lost your daughter, I can't imagine how painful that must be. My husband died suddenly when I was 41, but even then I knew it could have been worse if it had been one of my children. I know this will be with you always, and pray (I hope that doesn't upset you, it's what I do) that you will find comfort. Thank you for writing and I send you much love.

I was sent an email to my work email address that my FIL had died - very far away in a different country, but we were close and I was so shocked, I reacted physically, cried out and jumped back and knocked my chair over.

He had been ill, but how ill he was had also been kept from us because of the distance.

It's not an easy question this one ...not clear cut.

Margaretx and Farmor15 Many thanks, that's such a good idea. I will try to have close friends and family to use my other address - trouble is at the mo all addresses go into my mail and I use that. When I was at work I couldn't browse all of them, I was already too overworked, though I tried to and sometimes things did get missed.

Fennel you are right that when your husband or close family member has died you get very tired. My husband died when I was 41. However people are construing that the email sender was a close family member of the deceased. She was not. She is a neighbour of the deceased, married to my cousin who, I learned, took it on herself to tell a few people and I was the only one who lived far away. She was not over burdened with distress, I got the impression she felt important going round giving the news. Also, I do not bother widows or close relatives of people who have died, having had so many deaths, including my husband, to deal with. I send a card with brief message of love and condolence since that was what I found most comforting when my husband died.

MawBroon She was not the poor widow or family member trying to impart the news. I know what that is like as my husband died suddenly when I was 41 with 3 children. She was a neighbour of the deceased who was telling a few people in her circle. I was the only one far away whom she had to contact, and a close family member to her. She and her husband, my cousin, stayed with me several times. She probably did not have to tell anyone else who was not living near her. Other people told their friends and thus the word was spread as it usually is. Other people, I learned, phoned their friends and relatives whom they could not meet in person.

luzdoh - Adding to your list - "on the phone".
I read about the death of a friend in the local paper, very unexpected as I'd seen him only a few days before.
So I rang his wife - she said she couldn't speak to me as she was so tired. Funeral just over etc.
That showed me that it's a mistake to try to comfort someone too near the time of their bereavement.

I'm with Farmor 15 on this. I have three e-mail addresses including one only for private mails. When its not been used on any forum or for ordering things not so many come in on a daily basis.

I think sending a death notification card is a good idea, they are personal, but also takes the pressure of the bereaved family.

It's the death of a person that causes the shock, especially if unexpected, not the medium through which one's told.

It's easy enough to run down one's inbox and see which are personal emails from people you know and which aren't.