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Hurt and feeling unappreciated

(109 Posts)
Emm14 Sun 13-May-18 13:06:25

Hello wise ladies
It’s mother’s day today in my part if the world. My adult daughter bought me a beautiful gift and card but as usual, my adult son did nothing special - I got a text to wish me happy mother’s day.
My son hasn’t bought me gifts or cards for a few years now, he is thoughtless and I have accepted it - or so I thought - but it really hurts this year. He and his wife have recently had a baby and I have given them so much support over the past 6 months. Not only emotional and practical support but also financial. I am always here for them and they rely on me - and my husband - a lot. I am sad that my DIL hasn’t found it in her heart to even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. I am so over giving and getting nothing in return. It isn’t the monetary value, I don’t want expensive gifts; I just want a token of appreciation. AIBU? What can I do to just accept my son and his wife are selfish and thoughtless? How do I stop giving? Thank you all

DIL17 Tue 25-Sep-18 17:00:44

I know this is an old thread but found it looking for something else.

My husband never gets his mum anything for mother's day. hasn't since he was about 16. He loves her, but he says they don't really have anything to celebrate. Their relationship is quite formal.

My sisters and I love making a fuss of our mum though as she does a lot for us, we regular chat, go shopping etc.

As for me and MIL, I've never bought her a gift. She isn't my mum. On Mother's day I spoil my mum. We could be the world's best friends and I still wouldn't, that's my mums day for my attention.

annep Fri 15-Jun-18 23:03:04

Some people have been a bit rude here in how they voiced their views. There are nice ways to say things.

Elrel Thu 24-May-18 20:45:36

GabriellaG - why would OP buy herself a flashy item and lie that it was from her DD? Read the OP - her DD bought her a 'beautiful' gift.
Good to read that so many posters don't give to receive and don't expect more than thanks for what they do for their families.

oldbatty Thu 24-May-18 20:35:11

blimey get a grip. 100 years ago it meant something, not now.

FarNorth Thu 24-May-18 11:37:28

I do a lot for my adult DCs. They thank me at the time and very occasionally give me a little gift or card, usually not on a 'special' day of any kind.
I'm happy with that and wouldn't dream of sulking because they don't get in touch on any particular day.

LuckyFour Wed 23-May-18 11:09:33

Could your husband have a quiet word with your son perhaps. Something like - "you know Mother's Day can be quite important to women, could you perhaps buy a card or small gift, you know how much she does for all of us".

alchemilla Wed 16-May-18 12:01:10


You said "we don't know how much subtle pressure he got from his wife (and her mum) that you had to be displaced as THE mother of the moment" - which certainly conjures up a picture of two conniving women getting OP's darling son to dial down his appreciation of his DM. I've never known any intelligent human beings who see life like this so I have no dog in this fight - apart from thinking it's a load of over sensitivity to expect bells and whistles from a new family just because Clinton Cards et al are invested in Mother's Day. I think the DS did well to text.

Nannyshell59 Tue 15-May-18 21:06:33

I too didn't receive anything from one of my sons and his wife. It hurt really badly. I have given them so much support, both financially and with childcare, so it was a real kick in the teeth. It's not about material things. Flowers cost a fortune at that time of year, so I wouldn't want them spending money and being ripped off. But a text/phone call - is that really too much to ask for?

EllieRose43 Tue 15-May-18 16:32:52

I have two wonderful sons whom I love dearly. One of them sends birthday and mother's/father's day cards without fail. The other one, never. It's just the way he is and although I admit it would be nice if he remembered, I don't let it bother me. In fact I sometimes tease him about it but without any feelings of reproach. He loves me and my DH and we know that. I'm sure the same can be said of your DS so just console yourself with that and try to accept the situation. I'm sure it's not meant as a slight by either him or your DIL.

Alexa Tue 15-May-18 09:26:32

OldMeg wrote:

It is not normal for close relatives to ignore events like birthdays alexa , or at least it isn’t amongst my friends and family.

But there are all sorts of family interpersonal dynamics. It is wrong and hurtful for anyone to feel that one of their own nearest and dearest is not acceptable in his behaviour, because of his really trivial omission.

That son may be the very one to rally round when his ageing mum needs practical care.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

AmMaz Tue 15-May-18 09:25:45

alchemilla your interpretation of what you thought I was suggesting is interesting! That would hardly be subtle (pressure) smile. Sorry it touched such a raw nerve.

Goodbyetoallthat Tue 15-May-18 07:29:29

A text from my son would be fine with me & I certainly wouldn't expect a text from DIL.
The help that you are giving is a separate issue & if you feel that you are doing too much perhaps consider reining back a bit?

pearl79 Tue 15-May-18 07:20:16

hi emm14. have you thought about this from the other angle?
how would you feel if your son marked all relevant events with a card and a gift that cost him money, JUST because you've helped financially? if you heard he did that JUST to "get more out of you"?
what he's actually done is far more personal and meaningful.
i wonder if you're feeling exhausted by everything you've done recently? maybe you need a rest, so you can see how lucky you are to be in contact with your son and dil, and thus your new grandchild. not everyone gets that, you know.

OldMeg Tue 15-May-18 07:11:17

What an unkind and unthinking post Bluebelle

NanaNancy Tue 15-May-18 06:29:03

You have said they have a new baby.
I wonder if they have the extra funds to give you what they might feel is a deserving gift? You mentioned you have had to support them financially...
You did forget the golden rule of never comparing children. Daughter did the gift. Lovely.
Son did not, a thousand scenarios could be the explanation.
We all torture ourselves about our worth and it is natural to want to be a star of the day. But of what?
A day which was made up in the first place? We have birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas -- do we need another day in which we must expect a gift?
You gift is that new baby!
P.S. you are not your DIL mom!

BlueBelle Tue 15-May-18 06:25:15

What a load of old tosh about a card, there are people in the world starving, getting blown up, there are natural catastrophes all round us and some can only think about not getting a commercial card from an adult child Please get things into some kind of perspective, we are meant to fade into the background as your adult child has a new more important family now
If you need a card in return for things you ve done over the years it’s about as sad as it can get if you don’t know if your child loves you without an over priced card with words written by someone else I find it hard to believe the inflated importance you ve placed on this tiny, tiny thing

eebeew Tue 15-May-18 05:43:09

I wish that there were no such “special days”.they can cause so much hurt and if the adult children are kind and loving then special days are not needed. If they are not kind and loving then the special day just emphasises that fact.

OldMeg Tue 15-May-18 05:12:38

It is not normal for close relatives to ignore events like birthdays alexa , or at least it isn’t amongst my friends and family.

Synonymous Tue 15-May-18 00:41:22

I don't think any of us can complain if we have at least been told how much we are appreciated at some point during the year but I think it is also nice to be remembered on these specified commercial days because we then feel included which is quite reasonable. It is clearly a triumph for the commercial marketing people. hmm

I am a happy mum in that DS makes huge efforts with our DGC to really celebrate their mum on every event. He makes the most amazing cakes with them and the decoration on them is always amazing - a tad garish perhaps but definitely unique. grin They have a fun full-on day filled with whacky activities and I think that is wonderful. I usually ring DDIL to enquire what went on this time and we have a really good laugh over it all. He usually remembers me too even if sometimes it is a bit late in the day and might be only a brief phone call and I have to confess that I would be a little sad if he didn't but I know he loves me to bits and we enjoy many long chats on the phone. The remembering me has been so much better once he had a wife to remind him and I play my part and remind him not to forget the special days for his wife too! grin
He travelled a long way and stayed when DH was injured and looked after me, came with me so that I could follow DH to each hospital, cooked meals and froze some too so that we had some meals in reserve. Now our DD does and did exactly the same but funnily enough it seems more amazing that he did and does all that because he is a man! We have perhaps been conditioned to think in that way, odd isn't it! confused DD never needs to be reminded and never forgets and is brilliant with the whole family - is it a female thing? I think it probably is. I know that my DH is not too hot on remembering occasions and special days. We always jointly sent our respective mothers and fathers cards and gifts so perhaps he was never properly programmed!

The long and the short of it is that it is best not to get steamed up about any of it because you don't necessarily know the reasons and may never do so either. There is no point in trying to change the way we are or how anyone else is either because it rarely works and causes too many problems and stress. Just spread the love around as best you can. smile

Doversole Mon 14-May-18 20:53:58

I wouldn't expect a DIL or a SIL to send me a mothers day card or gift. I am not their mother, after all. It is only my own children that I hope will remember this day. Am I unusual?

icanhandthemback Mon 14-May-18 20:25:40

GabriellaG, are you really suggesting you should play one child off against another? What a horrible idea.

Alexa Mon 14-May-18 20:11:03

Smileless, yes, you are right. However Emm14 would benefit from knowing that it's quite normal for relatives to ignore anniversaries, including birthdays.

oldbatty Mon 14-May-18 19:18:45

ooh its a weird one isnt it? All these days. I never quite know what to do with myself. Some child attitude from the past maybe?
I would be inclined OP to be clear and adult and state your wishes, rather than to hope people will second guess them

Maidmarion Mon 14-May-18 17:45:54

I'm with you on this! My daughter lives in USA so English Mother's Day goes by the board, but I didn't get a card yesterday either! My son only remembers intermittently. I know I'm a sentimental old fool .... but yes, it does hurt!

nannypiano Mon 14-May-18 17:43:54

I love receiving cards from my sons on Mothers day, but I find not to expect anything is he best way, then you won't be disappointed if they forget.