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AIBU

Hurt and feeling unappreciated

(109 Posts)
Emm14 Sun 13-May-18 13:06:25

Hello wise ladies
It’s mother’s day today in my part if the world. My adult daughter bought me a beautiful gift and card but as usual, my adult son did nothing special - I got a text to wish me happy mother’s day.
My son hasn’t bought me gifts or cards for a few years now, he is thoughtless and I have accepted it - or so I thought - but it really hurts this year. He and his wife have recently had a baby and I have given them so much support over the past 6 months. Not only emotional and practical support but also financial. I am always here for them and they rely on me - and my husband - a lot. I am sad that my DIL hasn’t found it in her heart to even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. I am so over giving and getting nothing in return. It isn’t the monetary value, I don’t want expensive gifts; I just want a token of appreciation. AIBU? What can I do to just accept my son and his wife are selfish and thoughtless? How do I stop giving? Thank you all

Milly12 Mon 14-May-18 17:43:03

I know just how you feel. My DS just about manages to put a very basic message on FB. When my MIL was alive I always made sure my DH made some sort of effort even when I became a mother myself. People are right to say it shouldn’t be a responsibility for the DIL- but most men are careless about these things and it often falls to the woman to remind and encourage! It is nothing to do with expensive cards or flowers- it is the thought that counts and a small gesture can make such a difference!

GabriellaG Mon 14-May-18 17:17:40

I'd forget their birthdays and Christmas. Wear something glam next time you see them, a nice large (paste even) ring or bracelet or silk scarf and make sure they notice it. When/if they remark on it, say quite casually that 'Yes...isn't it wonderful X (daughter's name) bought it as a Mother's Day gift'.
Having a new baby doesn't empty your mind of everything else. I've had 5 and never forgot birthdays or anniversaries. There is no real excuse. You see stuff in shops and on tv which surely reminds the most empty-headed among us.

Smileless2012 Mon 14-May-18 17:07:58

When it comes to sending cards for any occasion IMO it doesn't matter if the person someone is hoping to receive a card from thinks it's "commercialised nonsense", what should be in the mind of the potential sender is whether or not it means something to the recipient.

If mothers don't want cards and or presents on mothers day I'm sure they'll make their feelings known. Mothers who don't make such an announcement clearly do and what a shame that sending a card that means so much is overlooked.

luluaugust Mon 14-May-18 16:10:11

I am afraid giving and getting nothing in return is often a mothers lot! It would be interesting to know why he doesn't send cards or buy you a present but are you prepared to ask and maybe get an answer you really won't like? The apron strings have been cut and unless you are prepared to confront him about it you really have nowhere to go as your DIL does indeed hold all the cards - literally. There is another thread running regarding why sons and husbands don't do cards and presents, I guess its a lot more common than the other way round.

fluttERBY123 Mon 14-May-18 15:53:50

Don't withdraw anything - they are just busy with their lives and forget - you are receding in importance in their lives, as is natural. I have sometimes resorted to getting another family member to remind children I want a card on Mothers' day, birthdays too. A friend once made a general announcement that she never wanted any more mother's day or birthday cards, ever, cos she was so fed up with the whole business - no idea how that panned out.

DIL holds all the cards - do not get on wrong side of.

SpanielNanny Mon 14-May-18 15:44:17

AmMaz I’m not sure how helpful your comment is. The op stated that her son hasn’t bothered with cards or presents for years, how do you reason that he has now bowed to ‘pressure’ from his wife? Or even more bafflingly, her mother? It is that attitude that causes the awful mil vs dil spats that we so frequently hear about.

My ds actually wrote a beautiful and very moving message in a card to my dil. I must admit to being slightly hurt when I saw it on their fireplace, I got ‘to mum love ds’.
However the more I thought about it, the more I was able to see what a wonderful gesture that was. He was celebrating the mother of his child, the woman who raises his little boy, day in day out. Yes, he’ll only ever have one mum, but there’ll only be ever this one woman who ‘gave’ (his word) him that beautiful child. He was in awe of her following the labour, and frequently tells anybody who will listen what a wonderful mother she is.
I realised that this didn’t mean he had forgotten me, or doesn’t love. The truth is my days of ‘raising’ him are done, yes I would so anything for him, but I am no longer making the all day, everyday sacrifices that we all know mums make.

You’re clearly very close to your son & dil, that speaks volumes about your relationship and how they feel about you. Before you start making rash decisions about what you will & won’t do for them in the future, please bring about how you will feel if you permanently damage the relationship.

ajanela Mon 14-May-18 15:41:49

Mothers' day, Father's Day, valentine 's day, Halloween etc even Christmas all commercial days to encourage us to spend our money on unwanted items. Now it is making problems in yours and many other families because they forgot or didn't do as well as others in the present stakes.

You can start complaining when they won't let you see the GC or they decide to live in New Zealand as that is really something to be upset about.

Alexa Mon 14-May-18 15:26:56

Maybe they are aware that mothers' day is a lot of commercialised nonsense.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 14-May-18 15:13:13

If your DIL's family was like mine, she may never have been taught to bother about Mother's Day. This probably sounds very odd to all of you who are used to celebrating it, but we didn't when I was growing up, or Father's day either. My parents felt that we hadn't asked to be born, so why should we be expected to thank them?

We didn't celebrate Valentine's day either. Families can place very different emphasises on holidays, so please try not to feel hurt. I am sure your son loves you and that both he and his wife appreciate your help with the baby.

felice Mon 14-May-18 14:53:25

It was Mothers Day here too yesterday, I was gobsmacked when DD came downstairs with a really nice bottle of wine.
Since DGS was born I have always taken a backseat on Mothers Day. So it is not just the sons, the DDs can be just as bad. I just make sarky comments and make her feel guilty, hehe.
It is not a big deal here really, a few cards in the shops and stuff in the Chocolate shops and a lot of mainly,,, young, men walking around clutching bunches of flowers.
It is all commercial anyway more money for the already rich.

Hm999 Mon 14-May-18 14:48:44

Forgive the sexism, but the boys just aren't very good at this. While grandchild is a baby, remind son to get his missus a Mothers Day card from baby.

oldmom Mon 14-May-18 14:36:08

While men should remember their mothers, his first responsibility is to the mother of his child. It is not the DIL's responsibility to remember Mother's Day for her husband's family. TBH, if a mother wants to be considered as she gets older, she needs to teach consideration from toddlerhood onward. It sounds, OP, as though you may have spoiled your son too much, and he may be just a bit entitled. But don't blame your DIL if that is the case. Just hope that she got more than a text for her first Mother's Day.

My first Mother's Day was only days after my son first came home from hospital. My MIL was staying with us to help, and she cooked dinner for me. The only year I have not prompted DH to remember Mother's Day in time (he would never forget, but he needs organising) was the one when my mother had just died, and I wasn't ready to deal with Mother's Day at all.

As several people mentioned, OP, you should have reached out to wish your DIL a happy first Mother's Day. My MIL sent me an ecard telling me what a great mother I am to her grandson. That's the kind of thing I'll remember next time DH needs prompting. My MIL has earned my love and respect - she has never demanded it as a right.

Minerva Mon 14-May-18 14:12:16

My son brought the grandchildren over for the afternoon on Mothers’ Day as he usually does. When I protest that he and the children should be making a fuss of DDiL he insists that she says it’s the best present she can have, a quiet afternoon to herself. Win win situation.

I have helped all my children with childcare and financial assistance and I can’t imagine reducing my giving because I received a text rather than a card on Mothers’ Day. I wouldn’t help them if I didn’t enjoy doing being able to and that would really be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I often get just a Mothers’ Day message or email from one or other of my offspring. I know they love me and I try to discourage them from putting money into overcharged bouquets of mismatched flowers.

gigi1958 Mon 14-May-18 13:20:35

Sometimes when we feel badly about things like this we can't see the beauty of our own lives. You are lucky you have a new grandchild this year, that is a life's worth of gifts.
Maybe next year you should invite the whole family over and have a cover dish dinner or brunch and everyone can celebrate together.

alchemilla Mon 14-May-18 13:16:09

AmMaz - so it's now conjecture that OP's DS said to his wife "must remember to get my DM a Mother's Day card" and she intimated that she was the only one who should get an actual card? So it's really her fault that MiL only got a text? It's random suggestions like yours that encourage MiLs to dislike DiLs without any basis.

Gillcro Mon 14-May-18 13:02:14

Try not to take it to personally, everything changes when you have a baby. To be truthful I prefer it when something is bought for me or treated me when it isn't mothers day or a birthday. Ie flowers chocolate, or a nice meal.

Marthajolly1 Mon 14-May-18 12:54:54

Sorry to see you are feeling hurt but card sending is becoming less and less important for the younger generations. For all sorts of occasions as well as important ones. My partner received not one birthday card apart from mine although he is close to his DS, GC, brother and sister. I was a little shocked and sad but didnt mention it. I dont think it crossed his mind. (We have been together only 18mnths and he did get a card from his son last year). My own daughter never fails to send me cards but has told me it's just fb messages to everyone else now. I've come to think now it's not being thoughtless, just another shift in our way of life I suppose. I always send cards to everyone for any occasion because I enjoy it.

AmMaz Mon 14-May-18 12:42:17

Emm14*, your son isn't thoughtless as he clearly thought to wish you happy mother's day albeit by text. So he did think of you and expressed the sentiments!

So I guess you're hurt at the reduced size, as it were, of the gesture. Well...we don't know how much subtle pressure he got from his wife (and her mum) that you had to be displaced as THE mother of the moment. And perhaps that is what you're picking up on, possibly quite accurately - but he got the message to you anyway, yay! - cling to thatwink

DameDiscoDiva Mon 14-May-18 12:30:39

Yep. It’s down to your son. If he hasn’t bothered before he’s not going to bother now. Equally if you’ve never mentioned it to him before he may well think you’re not that bothered about mother’s day. I would suggest when things are a little bit less stressed you can always mention it. It doesn’t have to be a big issue you can just say. “It’s not a big thing but it would be nice to get a card on mother’s day, it’s nice to have something I can keep to remind me of you all when you’re all so busy”. Then he knows how you feel. If he still doesn’t do it then I guess you need to move on. I do think irrespective of it being commercial if it means something to you then I think you should mention it and give him a chance.

Jazzy1527 Mon 14-May-18 12:29:34

Well said. Teddy123.

sandelf Mon 14-May-18 12:24:35

It is a hard fact you can't make people act the way you hope they will.

alchemilla Mon 14-May-18 12:24:15

As other posters have said - are you really prepared to cut down on gifts and help to your DS and DiL and GC because while DS remembered Mother's Day he didn't send a card. Really? Talk about a self-centred snowflake.

Nanny123 Mon 14-May-18 12:13:32

I know how gutted you must feel. I have a step daughter who we have supported financially a lot over the years, and she only seems to want to know us when she wants something and yet she doesnt even send her own Dad a Birthday, Father’s Day card or Christmas card, and has never acknowledged my birthday at all.

Flowerofthewest Mon 14-May-18 11:45:27

My youngest son bought me a tub of tea stain remover for cups as I haven't been able to find any locally.

Flowerofthewest Mon 14-May-18 11:43:05

I think that being DIL first mothers day give them the benefit of the doubt. Sons are not as au fait with cards etc as daughter's and often leave it up to wives to do the deed. It hurts but really rise above it. He loves you.