AIBU to want DD to keep home equity we gave her

fionajk42 If you have evidence of the payment you made for the deposit, it might carry some weight if a judge was involved, as mentioned in previous posts.

It's probably too late for OP . Although most lenders insist on a statement of ' gift' on the mortgage application , if the money wasn't an outright gift to you daughter, then you just might be able to argue you have an equitable interest in the property provided you have evidence that you intended to have a interest in the property.

Usually this will be in the from of deed of trust drawn up. It's usually too late to have it drawn up after the event as there's no incentive on the partner to sign up to the trust. The deed can still be done at the time of purchase even if the couple have a mortgage, but your interest would only be in the equity after the mortgage has been paid off. Don't forget that any 'gain' you might otherwise make on your stake may be taxable, even if you want to give it straight back to your daughter. Consult a solicitor at the time before a lot of money is gifted is the best advice especially if bank if mum and dad is stretched..

Unfortunately that is how the law stands. We were in the same situation when our DD split from her husband and there was nothing we could do about it without going to court. Add that to the thousands we spent in legal fees over the grandchildren and it was a very expensive divorce.
She now has a new partner and we have made sure that the money we have provided for a home will come back to her in the event of a split.

How I wish people would take legal advice before giving money away and not assume all will be well or that the law is “fair” or that other people will act decently! So often not the case. Anything financial from gifts to wills needs proper legal advice, don’t let the emotions of family ties blind you to this!!

Your second sentence said, 'We gave them......'. You have only yourselves to blame that your gift towards the deposit wasn't legally ring fenced just for your daughter in the housing contract.

Did she also pay equal portions of the mortgage and other bills during their time together? If they had been together longer and had children and she had been a SAHM for years before the split, would you think she should be entitled to half, even though he had paid the bills for the majority of the time?

FionaJK42
You have my sympathy.
We lost £30,000 in the same situation (house deposit, marriage breakdown)
And, exactly like you I was over ruled when wanting a legal agreement.
Sorry to say but you just have to swallow it

My son provided all the money for his house when he got married including £30,000 his Nan had left him. On his divorce his wife has got half of everything including the money left to him. It’s unfair, upsetting, especially as she is the one who has committed adultery, but there is nothing my DS can do about it.

)

It's quite a worrying thought though isn't it (OP). Can you ever be sure someone else's marriage is going to be forever? I guess you just have to have faith.

(ignoring the littlies

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When I divorced in the late 70's, I took a couple of thousands more out of the equity than my child's father did. It was agreed as part of the settlement. I didn't want any money for myself, I was relieved to be out of an unhappy 11 year marriage. The slightly higher profit from the house recognised that as 'final settlement'.

. Unmarried mothers even after long relationships are in a much more tenuous position. A young woman I know was asked to leave the house she shared with father of her 5 year old for 10 years. None of the utility bills or mortgage had her name on them, all in his name. she got nothing. He "gave" her £20,000 as deposit but of course, that wasn't enough. Unmarried women/mothers in her situation aren't entitled to any maintenance for themselves. this young woman gave up a promising career when their child was born. the young father involved is wealthy and pays £75 a week for maintenance for his child. Grrr.

I think you could perhaps ask a Solicitor but I also think it's unlikely you will be successful.

I suppose how you feel depends also on how SIL has behaved in general terms - financially and how he's treated your daughter.

Has he paid the lion's share of bills and mortgage?

Hope you can get things sorted out.

Oh dear, I am sorry that it has ended like that fionajk.
Did he pay the mortgage or did your DD - or was it split?

It is a salutary lesson for us all - as DH always says, once you have given something, whether gift or money, it is up to the person(s) what happens to it.

An addendum on how this has ended up. DD was told today that she will be getting £45K from the proceeds of the sale of the house, (soon to-be former) SIL also getting £45K. DD and GD have now moved into a rented flat as £45K insufficient for deposit in London.
DH now wishes he had listened to me when I wanted to put the original £60K in trust.

That's true, Starlady, but I would be less concerned about his future if he still had his own roof over his head. Then I'd have fewer qualms about taking equity release sometime in the future which is something we might have to consider.

Mymadeupname, you said, "I'm counting our pennies, worried that we don't have enough savings for our old age."

Wouldn't that be true even if ds had gotten the deposit or still had the house? It's really not because of how his marriage ended or what xdil "walked away" with.

I feel for you though. Have you and dh thought about seeing a financial advisor? Maybe they could help you find a comfortable way to stretch out your money.

"My view is..."

"SILs parents are telling him..."

Thing is, it doesn't really matter what anyone's opinion is. It's up to the court and the laws.

I'm not sure why either you or sil's parents are telling them anything. Are they very young? No matter, if they're adults, then they need to figure this out themselves or with the help of the court.

I know you feel you have a vested interest here because you and dh gave them the deposit. But I agree with those pps who say the key words here are "gave" and "them." It's the same as if you gave them money to place in a joint account. If they split up, half of the money would be his.

Also, I know you would like dd to have the deposit money. Of course you do. Just as his parents want him to get half of it. You each want what's best for your own child. Imo, it's not about what's "moral' or not, it's emotional. Which is why we need laws to decide these things and solicitors to help us with legal matters, not parents.

I think you're confusing dd with yourself. You and dh gave the money, not dd. Even if it was a loan, it would be owed to you and dh, not dd. Surely, if it was repaid to you, you would probably then give it to her. But it isn't "hers" just because her parents gave it. She is a separate person from you. I think both you and sil's parents are losing sight of the fact that your "children" are independent adults.

Still, it hurts to see half that money go to sil, now that he and dd are separating. I get it. But once you gave that money, it was no longer yours and you have no say over what happens to it.

How does dd feel about this? Does she want the full deposit? If so, then she (not you) needs to see a solicitor about it. If not, then, that's that.

Please be careful about getting too involved in this. If they reconcile, any interference could come back to bite you.

We gave our son the deposit on his house. He married 4 years later. They separated 6 years later. She walked away with all the equity of the house he had bought as a single man, with the seeming agreement of our son. I think he felt guilty because it appears the separation was driven mainly by him.

I've just had to bite my tongue. We are not well off ourselves and would never have given him the deposit if we'd thought for a minute it would end like this. He's renting while he saves for another deposit. I'm counting our pennies, worried that we don't have enough savings for our old age.

We provided a substantial amount for our DD & her partner to enable them to buy their first house. He put in nothing but when the relationship ended he happily walked away with half of the money. The child allowance was also paid into his account. My DD did not notice the loss for over a year, when challenged he even refused to pay this back. He had a nice new motor bike though! Money turns people into monsters, having said that he was a monster right from the get go! Sadly your money is unlikely to be repaid.

Gave DS and his fiancee deposit for house as a wedding present. Fortunately they split before wedding (4 months). House was bought in joint names but as the money was a wedding present and wedding didn't take place was refunded money on sale of house. Luckily they had a six month wait from saying they would buy house and actual sale being completed and value had increased to cover costs and return of "wedding gift. Had they married would not have been reimbursed unless both parties agreed which was unlikely as turned out fiancee was a money grabber. Don't think you will see any of your money unless SIL agrees you should.

I have a friend who put up the deposit for their house a number of years ago, £60,000, and then subsequently down the line split (amicably) with boyfriend. However, when they bought the house, her solicitor ring fenced that money as hers, in the event of a separation, so that would be deemed hers. She bought him out and he got 50% of the appreciation equity. I suppose it helped, that he was honourable enough to not try and claim any of the deposit money.

It depends if they go to court to fight it out or not, but be warned my legal fees for my divorce came to £20k and everything within the marriage is deemed to be owned 50-50. My house which was owned outright by me when we married included. He had £30k from his previous house sale of which I saw nothing, he bought a new car etc. He was after much haggling awarded 25% of my house, I was told it was too big for me and could easily live in a 2 bed flat. I kept my house by taking out equity release and paying the interest so that I could get shot of him. Had little option as no one would give me a mortgage even though I can afford one. His legal fees amounted to £50K because he had no morals and was willing to see me homeless before he'd see sense. With his legal bill and credit card fees etc he ran up he had virtually nothing to show for his greed but that's human nature some people don't know when to quit. Will you Son in law see sense or will he see £ signs.

My son and his partner are presently house searching. He had some deposit money but she had twice as much so I formally gifted him the difference. That way they start off equal and if they break up they can split it 50:50. As people have said the mortgage company insist on the money being a gift which is fine, but he knows it is a gift out of my future house estate. When I go, my daughter will first get the amount I gave my son, then the rest will be evenly split.

Not much help to the OP, I know, and I do feel very sad for her, but maybe help to anyone else thinking about this.

A 5 year marriage is not considered a long marriage and in such cases what you put in is what you take out. She could offer to pay him a sum to settle and he may accept it.

When we gave our daughter a substantial sum as a deposit on a flat she was buying with her bf it was a gift to her not him. We got that acknowledged legally beforehand so that in the event of a split she would get the deposit back , then any equity would be split 50:50. It added a few £ to the legal bill, but worth it to avoid the possibility of waving our money goodbye.