AIBU to want DD to keep home equity we gave her

Morally most people would agree that the right thing to do would be to return the money. But this isn't a moral question or a matter of opinion or speculation and what ifs, it is solely a legal question. Lots of informed advice about this has been provided. There are only two options available to the OP - to seek specialized legal advice on the matter or to let it go.

Mortgage companies need to know where the deposit money comes from.
They will only accept money donated by 3rd parties, if it is a 'gift' and that rules out any other legal claim on the 'gift' in the event of a marriage breakdown and sale of the property, as the house is still owned by the bank.
To say, after the event, that it was a loan, is to say you lied when signing the mortgage agreement and the underwriters would have something to say about that deception.

Bluegal

I absolutely agree that virtually no-one in their right mind would willingly or graciously want to forgo such a sum, no matter how moral we think we are.
We can assume that everyone who marries, does so wearing the rose- tinted glasses of enthrallment but life and children and work and money and health issues, often throw us curve-balls.
I, along with others, agree that if you give money without clear paperwork showing it to be a loan, then you forfeit the right to have it returned (unless the borrower is a saint)
I can understand the frustration of the OP losing tens of thousands of pounds, I'd be fuming. A bitter lesson learned and I hope the family can successfully move on.

Our daughter, aged 40y has just got onto the property ladder, thanks to her partner (of 5y) - his parents put up £50k deposit on the understanding that if they part, his inheritance money comes back to him. Our daughter is so grateful for their generosity. It has enabled them to get a mortgage & no longer rent. As she said, should they split up, of course she would repay his kind parents that deposit money. Then, any money they would make on the property would then be split 50:50. It’s morally right. It’s how you bring them up that counts in the end. Our daughter would be horrified (as would we) to contemplate anything less.

Bluegal I certainly would, especially after such a short marriage. Sauce for the goose etc. I think this is exceptional - £60000 in from the parents, 5 years of mortgage payments, no kids we know of .. I'd expect to have my DS or DD to have at least 75% back - after mortgage and increase in house value.

Absolutely Gabriella but would the daughter forgo £30K if the boot was on the other foot? That is what I was trying to say. If it was the other way round would everyone be so supportive? We don't know the reasons for the break up either so I guess I am just thinking IF they married with the intention of staying together for life - as most people do - then all becomes joint! Unless there are exceptional circumstances I don't think any one partner should come out of the marriage better or worse than the other JMO.

It's a pity that all parents (and GPs) don't think twice before giving/lending money in this manner.
Married couples and singles living as partners, are parting and divorcing much more often than was the case years ago and money is always a contentious issue.
I always get everything in writing so that there can be no argument but then, I have rarely lent money and never the sort of money for a house deposit. When mine bought property, deposits were affordable from their own pockets.
I doubt whether the OP's SiL would be gracious enough or moral enough to give back the whole amount.
Show me a person who would willingly forgo £30k....

If sil was a reasonable person then I would expect him to forgo any call on the 60k but it seems he may not be and is also being encouraged by his parents. I agree with others, morally it should go to your daughter/yourself BUT I wouldn't give up without first consulting a solicitor, even a strongly worded 'official' letter might work wonders.

I think it might be worth going to a solicitor with your paperwork. 5 years of marriage and no children you mention? It might be worth a try to sort out a fairer split - but your DD would have to work out what she and her DH put in themselves.

But still be prepared to kiss half of your investment for your DD goodbye.

fionajk52 - we are presently in a very similar position. The couple have been together for 10 years and are not married. Two years ago we provided the deposit on the understanding that if at any time it was possible to repay the deposit, it would be done. The house is now sold and the other party is saying we are not being repaid 'her share' of the deposit. Neither she, nor her family, put anything towards the deposit.

The Mortgage company asked us to sign that the money was a gift. This was the only way it would be accepted as the deposit. We signed that it was a gift. So, legally it was a gift but morally it was a different matter. In two years she has benefitted from the half deposit plus half equity. Also, our son paid the mortgage, loans, childcare and all utility bills. She bought the groceries.

The house has made equity but even so, she is still keeping 'her half of the deposit.'

She is legally correct. Fortunately the sum of money concerned wasn't as great as your £60k.

There is a thread on here about it. I felt utterly betrayed but have come to accept that like yourself, we have to wave goodbye to the money.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

As you gave this as as gift with no expectations of it being repaid I think profits after the house sale should be 50:50.

Well anything is worth a try but won't it cost even more money to do it? Was there any discussion at the time? it sounds like you just gave the money as a gift and you were the only one who had thought of the future.

Difficult. My personal opinion is they should split 50/50, including your deposit. It was a gift and not a loan. I know it's a lot of money but it was never given in anticipation of getting any of it back. And they do both have to set up new homes.

If kathyd ‘s friend got her money back in similar circumstances then it is worth a try asking a judge to decide how the finances should be shared. If nothing else it might get into the local paper and shame the SIL !

I think this hinges on the word gave. You say you gave the money to them.
I lent a considerable sum to my son to allow the purchase of a house. He has intermittently made repayments and now the marriage is all but over the house is being sold. Fortunately my son seems to be in control and says that on receiving the sale price firstly I will be repaid, then all their debts, then the balance remaining will be split 50:50.
Hopefully all will go according to plan.
In the OP's position I would consult a lawyer.

I think you can wave goodbye to the £60k, let's hope that your daughter gets her half back and maybe a bit more too, although it could easily be less.

I think if you had given the money to your daughter specifically then she would be able to claim it all back plus a share in any profit or loss on the sale, particularly after a short marriage.

Could anyone else confirm that or otherwise

Trusts don't have to be in writing but there must have been an agreement between you and the donor that the money was to be held in trust and returned to you on a sale. If they property was in joint names you would have problems with proving such an agreement. It is a shame but you were over-ruled. It is a lesson to anyone providing such a large sum to always look at the worst that can happen and prepare for it. Given the number of ways in which this could have been recorded (either the property could have be registered as tenants in common in unequal shares, or there could have been a charge over the property or a separate written trust or agreement) a court would take some persuading that there was an unwritten trust unless you could show that there was a good reason for having one.
Having said that, assets are not always divided 50/50 on a divorce particularly a house where one party may have put more in either in money or work on the property and she should not agree anything without speaking to a specialist divorce lawyer. Things aren't always dealt with as people expect. People often initially just want things to be over quickly and to be reasonable, but they may not realise that the other side isn't being reasonable until later on when the feelings have subsided a bit.

A solicitor would need to know other factors regarding what has happened 'since' they bought the property with your help. For example, if they both work, has your SIL contributed considerably more to the household than your DD? Therefore, he has effectively caught up. If your DD however, had to give up work to have children, she couldn't be expected to be equal in contributions so that would also have to be taken into consideration. This is a good example of how you should always get a legal document drawn up if you expected you would get your money back should they part.

You GAVE THEM them the money, now it's a matter of morality and conscience on your SIL behalf, sorry but that's how it goes. I bet you are regretting not outing your foot down on not seeking legal advice, I would be.

You may have a beneficial interest in the property as you provided money towards the purchase price. This is a complicated area of land law and so I would recommend a trip to a solicitor for an opinion

Whatever the rights and wrongs are....and yes I think your daughter should get the £60k. Unless its in writing I would imagine you have little to no chance, unless your SIL has a twinge of conscience.

You and your daughter need to see a Solicitor who specialises in financial arrangements following a separation, and as soon as possible too!
If you can prove that the deposit was paid entirely by you, with no contribution from him or his family, you may have a case, but you'll need a paper trail to do this.
His parents should be encouraging him to give your daughter the full 60k back when the house is sold. To not do so just proves that both he and his parents are morally corrupt!
Your daughter will be a lot better off away from a person with such low standards of behaviour!

I think this is the key part of your post

We gave *them* £60k for deposit

Unless you specifically said to *them* that the money was given to your daughter as her contribution to the deposit, (even better if there is anything in writing to this effect) then I don't think there is much chance in her keeping the first £60,000 of the sale price.

We have given both our children hefty deposits for their homes, with no contribution from their other halves’ families. We had documents drawn up to protect the money in the event of a split but we were advised at the time that they would probably count for little, if anything, should this happen. Pretty galling, I know, to think of your cash going out of your family in this way. Just keeping our fingers crossed that they stay together! Good luck.

I’m afraid you needed to use a solicitor when you gave them the money. There are ways of tying it up so that if the couple divorce the money isn’t split. I know other people this has happened to and there is nothing you can do.