Gransnet forums

AIBU

Will my 14 mo. old gd remember me and our current bond?

(20 Posts)
GammaMynx Sat 26-Jan-19 14:26:23

My daughter and SIL recently relocated from AZ to CA. Originally, she, my then two mo. old gd, and myself were living together in AZ while my SIL awaited his discharge from the Army and being stationed in CO. During this time I provided child care. And, if I’m being honest (I suppose being anything but would completely defeat my purpose here), excessive child care, during business hours as well as an abundant of others for personal activities. Although I knew very well that I was being taken advantage of and was actually hindering my daughter by not holding her accountable as the primary caretaker, I thoroughly enjoyed each and every moment spent with my gd. Over the period of the next year we (my gd and I) built a bond so strong and apparent to all.
When my SIL arrived home, he, my daughter, and gd, moved just 20 miles from me. However, not only was I still providing child care during business hours, but more often than not, evenings and overnight as well, in order to save time and expenses of travel to and from.
Needless to say, I was completely beside myself when my daughter told me that they would be relocating to CA in just over “one week”!
I have always required justational time after my daughter has relocated on the few occasions which she has in the past, BUT.... Suddenly now I am left without any of their presence and this seemingly endless hole at my core.
I am sad and I miss them tremendously, however, I understand and support their choice and reasoning for relocating, but most of all, I am scared. I am scared that my gd will forget me and/or the previous time/bond that we shared and is so completely priceless to me. Because she is so young, will she remember or is it only the upcoming long distant relationship which hopefully will be built that will fill her memories?

Jalima1108 Sat 26-Jan-19 14:32:21

I would ask for this to be deleted, especially as it shows a photograph of your DD and DGD.

If you wish to start a thread, perhaps you could make it less personal?
and most posters will have no idea what AZ and CA are.

Bibbity Sat 26-Jan-19 14:34:52

I can’t imagine how upsetting this must be.
However I don’t think your bond will be damaged. You may not see her as frequently but I assume you will manage to visit. Maybe for longer periods of time so you will get more quality time. Especially now that you will not have to have the responsibility of childcare you can enjoy the role of carefree visitor!

Bibbity Sat 26-Jan-19 14:35:31

Az - Arizona
CA - California
?

GammaMynx Sat 26-Jan-19 14:38:46

@Jalimal1108, the pic is one of myself and my granddaughter. Is that not allowed?

GammaMynx Sat 26-Jan-19 14:39:55

Yes Bibbity, thank you!

silverlining48 Sat 26-Jan-19 14:40:56

It is very understandable that you miss them, especially as you have been so involved in childcare. They will certainly miss that i am sure. Notice of only a week was also hard.

It’s not clear where you are, is that USA, guessing California Arizona etc? Not sure of distances involved, can you visit? Keep in touch via FaceTime etc. ? Write your granddaughter little cards which your daughter might keep til she grows older.

This happens to many of us, our children move far away and we have to make lives for ourselves. It’s hard.

Beau Sat 26-Jan-19 14:56:48

GammaMynx, it sounds to me (if I'm reading this correctly) that you have in effect been the primary caregiver for much of her life? In which case I would be worried about how DGD will cope with this separation as much as worrying about myself. Hopefully I have misunderstood the situation otherwise your DD sounds quite self centred - who is going to replace DGD's DGM for all this childcare?

wildswan16 Sat 26-Jan-19 15:12:39

I think it is up to you to support your daughter and her husband as they move to the new home. They are the parents and should have primary responsibility for their daughter.

Of course you will be able to retain a close bond with the little girl. Thousands of grandparents do whilst living in different states or different continents.

It may also benefit your granddaughter as she can build a stronger relationship with her mother. The family have been forced to live apart for some time. Now is their time to build a strong family unit.

BlueBelle Sat 26-Jan-19 16:11:41

It is perfectly ok to put photos up but do you realise that this can be shared on Twitter, Facebook and even a Daily paper and if you didn’t realise I think Jalima was trying to do you u a favour to warn you
I was mystified with all your different state initials but presume they ve now moved some way away
Of course it’s a big old shock to you but it’s up to you to keep the relationship alive with FaceTime Skype, cards, letters, holidays, it works and happens to many of us 5 out if 7 of my grandkids live in other countries two in NZ which is more than 24 hours on the plane it does take some getting used to but you will

megan123 Sat 26-Jan-19 16:15:01

You will miss your grandaughter GammaMinx there is no doubt but she will not forget you rest assured. The bond you have between the two of you will continue. I looked after my grandchildren for a long time when their mother was ill and they have never forgotten, we have a very close bond.

You are supporting your daughter to move forward, and that is what we do.

Keep in touch with your beautiful little girl, by any means possible, she will not forget you flowers

Telly Sat 26-Jan-19 17:07:33

I don't think she will remember, being so young. However she will have gained from your love and care which is what matters in the long run. As has been said you can keep in touch and develop a new relationship which is built on strong foundations.

Izabella Sat 26-Jan-19 20:39:43

Agree with Jalima . Does her mother give permission for the picture to be freely available?

However to answer your question you can keep in touch with cards and letters and Skype or Whats App. Some people on these fora in the UK have grandchildren in NZ!! The distance you are talking about is just about driveable now and again, although tiring. I have done it several times from San Diego right through to Albuquerque then on to New Orleans, although admittedly when a tad younger than today grin American roads are so much easier to drive on than our own.

Farmor15 Sat 26-Jan-19 20:42:43

My grandchildren, now aged 2 and 3, live in another country, nearly 3 hours flight time away. It’s nearly 6 months since they saw us last, but we’ve visiting at the moment and they know exactly who we are and are happy to hug and have stories read - they don’t see us as strangers.

As long as you keep up as much contact as you can, you can still have a good relationship with your granddaughter.

petra Sun 27-Jan-19 22:29:49

GammaMynx
From what you say you are not working.
From Arizona to California is not a million miles away ( 2-3 hour flight) ?
Would finances allow you to visit every few months ?

BradfordLass72 Mon 28-Jan-19 05:29:34

I've just been looking at transport options between AZ and CA and there's bus, train and flights, all at prices New Zealanders would give an eye tooth for smile

Maybe your family's need for a carer will be as acute in CA as it was when they were near you. Can you visit weekends? Or stay during the week and bus back to AZ for a rest on Friday nights?

absent Mon 28-Jan-19 05:46:38

It is hugely painful to be separated from grandchildren because you live in different places. I think it is generally reckoned that most children don't remember anything much – apart from extreme distress or terrible trauma – before about the age of five. However, you have opportunities to visit, you can send a new jigsaw, a story book, something nice to wear, something comfortable to wear, a fun toy, something she really wants. You can communicate electronically, send postcards and letters and continue to be part of her life.

My grandchildren, who for quite a long part of their little lives, lived thousands of miles away from me. Every now and then, in addition to birthdays and Christmas, I sent a granny parcel full of fairly inexpensive presents for all of them – books, toys, puzzles and so on – plus a letter telling them how much I love them and, briefly, what was happening in my life. My daughter always made sure that they spoke to me on the phone on occasions such as my birthday, when they would chat, sing songs and blow kisses.

It seems hard but it's not the end of the world.

Lavazza1st Mon 18-Feb-19 08:36:15

@GammaMinx so sorry for your pain. That's terribly hard.
I would make sure you have loads of photo's of that time to show her so she can always have stories of your times together when you video call her or see her.

I think my earliest memory is about three. I'm not sure if others remember things earlier? If you always talk and tell stories of those times, she will grow up remembering those stories even if she's too young to remember actually being with you.
flowers

Bibbity Mon 18-Feb-19 08:39:49

I just remembered when this popped up again.

I have an app called free prints. Every month I get 45ish free pictures.
All I have to pay for is postage which is around £2.

I get to pick those pictures from my phone and send them to any address directly. Eg my mum, my dad, my Nanna. And they arrive within 3ish days.

My family absolulty love receiving them and it usually is a good buffer for if there’s a gap in visits.

Starlady Wed 20-Feb-19 15:34:43

GrammaMynx, my heart is aching for you! To have your gd taken so far away after having been so closely involved! I can barely imagine the pain! I know dd and sil must have had good reason to move. But I wonder if they gave much thought to how it would affect you or gd?

Fortunately, gd will adjust, kids usually do, probably faster than you will, I'm afraid. Unfortunately, I don't think she'll remember the bond you had. But if you stay in touch through the methods others have recommended, I have total confidence that you will still have a good relationship. Maybe even a beautiful one, especially if you get to visit and if, as she gets older, her parents let her come and stay with you sometimes (they might not, of course).

The photo is darling, but I get some pps (previous posters') concerns. Plus, if dd/sil found out, she might be angry if you didn't ask (but maybe you did). Some parents are (understandably, I think) really nervous about having anyone post their kid's picture online. But, hopefully, it's not an issue for you and dd/sil. If you're not sure, you might want to take it down.