Gransnet forums

AIBU

Son about to get married in St Lucia, wish I was with him.

(61 Posts)
Happygran1964 Wed 08-May-19 16:40:27

Just the above really, my youngest and his fiancée will be tying the knot in an hour’s time in the sunny Caribbean and we are all here in rainy Bristol lol.
Just wishing we were there for his special day.

Tedber Wed 08-May-19 16:51:43

Were you invited and unable to go or did they just decide to go it alone?

Of course, you are going to be disappointed BUT if you have a good relationship otherwise maybe you can just raise a glass and wish them well and hopefully look forward to seeing them afterwards?

I've seen a few wedding 'woe' posts lately with parents being excluded. I don't particularly understand it BUT as is often said, it is THEIR day, their choice and all you can do is bite your tongue and let them get on with it.

Doesn't mean I don't sympathise with you though - hugs

J52 Wed 08-May-19 16:58:04

Can you skype the happy couple to raise a glass?

cornergran Wed 08-May-19 17:05:02

Of course you aren't unreasonable to wish you were with your son and his new wife. As j52 suggests use Skype or something similar if you can and wish them well. Perhaps a party when they return?

Happygran1964 Wed 08-May-19 17:32:04

Thanks everyone.
They decided they wanted it to just be themselves which I understand and want them to have their special day just as they like.
It’s just the mum in me feels sad.
I think they will FaceTime later.

Bopeep14 Wed 08-May-19 17:45:22

I totally sympathise, my eldest got married, abroad. We didn't even know they were getting married until two days before they flew out to vegas. Luckily we were able to watch it live by a video link, but it broke my heart to not be physically there.

Slowcookervegan Wed 08-May-19 17:46:50

Awww. Sad you are not there but im so glad you respect their wishes. Its hard being a mum flowers

Sar53 Wed 08-May-19 17:48:34

Happygran1964 my daughter, her now husband and six year old granddaughter went to St Lucia five years ago and came back married. They didn't tell anyone what they were about to do. I was incredibly happy for them, they did it their way. They had a big party a few months later which was lovely. My daughter and granddaughter wore their wedding outfits.
It may not be the way you would have wanted but it was their choice. I hope you speak to them later and there will be all the lovely photos to see. X

crazyH Wed 08-May-19 17:54:45

This does happen. Youngsters like to get married abroad.
.... my daughter did. No FT those days, just a quick phoncall.....I think 😂
All good wishes to your son and his bride 🎂💐🍷👏🎈🌺☘️

BlueBelle Wed 08-May-19 18:15:54

I totally understand your disappointment but personally I think it’s a lovely way to get married (maybe just the parents there would have been better) but the awful razzmatazz of expensive weddings today make me think this is the sensible way to go
Good luck to the young couple and good on you Happygran for understanding even through your disappointment x

Namsnanny Wed 08-May-19 18:29:03

Happygran…..totally agree with Bluebell.
Having taken a backseat with one of mine I agree its quite sad for us mums!
Well done though for not passing on your feelings of disappointment to the happy couple, you will benefit in the end smile
Best wishes to you all flowers

leyla Wed 08-May-19 18:46:16

I'm donning my tin hat here but I think it's a tiny bit selfish to deny your mum and dad the opportunity to be there...just my view and I would try to be dignified about but I must confess that I will be gutted if my one and only DD decides to do the same. But I suppose there's not much you can do about it.
I think it often happens when people have complicated blended families.
I find it difficult to understand how young couples plan to spend so much money on one day so I get it from that point of view.
You sound very dignified about it all and I hope they appreciate how sad you must feel not to be there. Maybe if/when when their children get wed they'll get it.
Now open a nice bottle of fizz and start planning a fabulous outfit for the party when they get home!

Tedber Wed 08-May-19 20:31:56

Leyla I do agree with you about being a tiny bit selfish but I don't think young ones 'think' about that side of it. Not until they get children of their own.

45 years ago one of my good friends 'eloped' and got married on Christmas Eve..pre-sent cards to their parents and family. Was a shock to both families and friends but is what they wanted..... Fast forward years when [their] daughter was going to be married and they were in the midst of all the excitement and planning! She told me then how she realised just how much it must have hurt the parents at the time! Thankfully, time erased that for both sets of parents and they had a wonderful relationship on both sides with the grandchildren. Bottom line is...I don't think there is any intent to hurt, just a lack of understanding when you are young?

sodapop Wed 08-May-19 21:10:26

Their day, their way. My husband &I were married with just two friends there. We told our children and families that was what we wanted. No fuss, no expense.
I have to admit to some misgivings afterwards and perhaps would not do it that way again. We have been happily married for 14 years now though,

mosaicwarts Thu 09-May-19 00:11:47

My husband and I married in the Seychelles and had a party at my Mum's when we got back.

The couples who did take their parents behaved very strangely towards their parents after their wedding, sitting separately at breakfast/dinner. I suppose they were having their 'honeymoon' and wanted to be alone.

Congratuations to your son, I hope he has a happy and fulfilling life with his new wife xx

DillytheGardener Thu 09-May-19 00:51:33

My son eloped too. I was heartbroken to not be there or share the experience with my friends as they have invited me to their children’s weddings. But my son and his wife are happy together so have to keep zipped! Doesn’t make it sting anyless though does it? sad sending hugs OP

BradfordLass72 Thu 09-May-19 04:08:46

It's a popular choice for couples here to go off by themselves to the islands (Samoa, Fiji, Cook Islands etc)
and have that special time to themselves.

Later, if they can afford it, they have a big party for family and friends.

In my day grin it was even frowned on to go to a Registry Office. All 'respectable' people got married in church.

There were arguments about who should be invited, what to wear, what to eat, what to buy as gifts - it became a nightmare for very many brides and grooms.

Thank goodness our independent, modern children and grand-children are now thinking outside the rather stuffy box and doing it their own way.

Washerwoman Thu 09-May-19 07:05:20

I hear so many stories of couples going into debt to fund a big wedding.Or marrying abroad and expecting friends and family to use up holiday and find the money to fly out and pay for accomodation -and sometimes when they have other similar wedding invites .Our daughter is engaged and her fiance wants a big 'do' whereas she would prefer something much simpler.His family dynamics are complicated and she thinks it would all end being too stressful.His mum is already insisting all the nieces are flower girls. And DD doesn't want any flower girls in the first place!
I've told her as far as her dad and I are concerned if she wants to fly off and marry on holiday, or just do a quiet register office with a couple of friends as witnesses that's absolutely fine by us.If they just turn up married we will crack open the bubbly and treat them to a lovely meal.Up to them.
However on the day when it's lashing with rain and you know what's happening of course you're bound to have felt somewhat wistful Happygran.

maryeliza54 Thu 09-May-19 07:57:45

Well I just think it’s really sad.

BlueBelle Thu 09-May-19 08:10:22

Maryeliza the sad part is paying £30.000 and putting yourself in debt to fund a British wedding party of today that invariable ends in some over drinking, some fallings out, some competition between in laws and outlaws and a bill for years to come
What’s better than to have a meaningful way of doing it ‘for themselves’ and including a holiday/honeymoon to boot
My eldest always said that’s what she and her partner would do but he died before they did but I thought it a great idea I believe weddings are massively over rated as they stand today and a small or private one is by far the best way to go

Have you heard from them Happygran

maryeliza54 Thu 09-May-19 09:26:38

Come on BB since when was the choice just between going abroad or a lavish wedding here? Small is possible here. I do agree though that if there are massive disagreements happening, then eloping may be perfectly understandable and preferable. But if family relationships are good why treat the parents so unkindly?

Sandigold Thu 09-May-19 10:28:05

I see very happy couples get married
(I'm a wedding celebrant)...with just 2 friends, often outdoors in a beautiful location. I often think of the families and how it's a bit sad from their perspective. But then I see the big weddings in hotels and how stressful they are, especially for the quieter bride or groom. Worrying about things that really aren't important but the whole thing is such a production! I completely understand parents feeling sad....perhaps parents can plan something nice for themselves to mark the event...

Pat1949 Thu 09-May-19 10:31:20

My daughter was married in Jamaica. Just the two of them. It didn't bother me, I'm not a lover of social occasions or the preparations to go with them. The money which can be spent on weddings these days can be better spent.

maryhoffman37 Thu 09-May-19 10:39:25

I've saidon here before that my youngest got married in Fiji and we didn't know about it till a group email from our son-in-law the next morning. There was a pang but it didn't last long. It's just one day.

Happygran1964 Thu 09-May-19 10:46:17

Hi everyone

They FaceTimed me last night, still in their wedding clothes and it was just lovely.
They looked so happy and lived up. I felt sorry for my DIL as her own mum kept phoning her in floods of tears and losing the plot. Not what the poor girl needed. X