DIL thinks my husband has a alcohol problem

Dillythegardner,

You have my sympathy, my OH is also what I would term a 'heavy drinker'. He rarely goes out drinking with friends - he is a solitary drinker at home. I get the excuses such as 'oh I've worked hard today I deserve a drink' or 'there's footie on tonight so I'm treating myself' etc etc. I find myself not speaking to him much in the evening as I am sick to the back teeth of the 'lost conversations' where he completely denies things that he has said because he simply doesn't remember.
Why do I put up with it? Well, at the moment I am not in a position to move house because we live with my Mother who is disabled - I am her carer and I very much need his help with my Mum.
Overall he isn't a bad husband, he has always paid over every penny of his wages, he does the lions share of the 'chores', we have lots of great holidays (ironically he drinks much less when we are away), he doesn't gamble, he's generous to a fault and he is a very good father to our two AC and a lovely Grandad to our three GC.
He absolutely acknowledges that he drinks too much, He has had it very firmly pointed out to him by our children which was a massive shock to him. It hasn't stopped but he does reign it in when he realises he's going too far.
I don't like it but at the end of the day i'm not perfect either and his drinking does not stop me enjoying the company of my friends and family.
As to the future, well, I'm financially independent so when i'm no longer caring for my Mother I can make choices. Its not ideal but there are a lot of people much worse off that I am.

Farmor15 could it be that those countries are better at self reporting accurately what they drink.

It is also well researchex that English people significantly UNDER report their alcohol consumption, this is why advice about "units" is replaced with other wordings, and midwives can no longer say that an occasional drink is okay in pregnancy, because English peoples interpretation of "ocassional drink" often = heavy drinking!

I think you were very brave posting your concerns on here and it must have been so difficult reading some of the honest replies from posters who have now alerted you to the fact that your husband's drinking is not the norm. I appreciate this has been accepted as normal in your family because it is longstanding and part of a pattern. I understand that your family is not a "talk about your feelings" type of family, and yours is certainly not alone in that. You mention that your OH had a heart scare a while ago. Are you able to approach this by saying that you are concerned about your son's health and the example OH is showing as his father? So difficult I know but if you don't air with the family nothing will change, and your son's marriage may suffer.

Sorry Irish women 4th in world- not something to boast about.
www.rte.ie/lifestyle/living/2019/0508/1048136-irish-women-rank-fourth-heaviest-drinkers-in-the-world/

Actually recent research shows that the Irish are among the heaviest drinkers in the world! I’m Irish and the figures were published recently in National newspapers and discussed on the radio. Intake has been increasing in the last few years, particularly among women, who may be 4th in Europe for alcohol intake.

So Dilly’s remark may actually be true.

If my husband left me home 3-4 times a week while he went out drinking with friends I would consider that my marriage was a farce. If he drank to the point of drunkenness I'd leave.
I am deeply concerned that you thought this normal behaviour.

Your not interfering if someone asks for assistance or advice Jeannie
Not very enlightened post of course a drunk doesn’t think he has a problem and it’s obviously impinging on the youngest sons life as he’s uncomfortable with his fathers behaviour even if Dilly is so used to it she doesn’t notice it

If your husbands drinking is not a problem to you then it's no one else's business.
However if your husband thinks he drinks too much it's for him to take measures to stop.
Clearly your DIL believes your son has a problem and drinks too much but this is none of your business so keep out of it.
Let them sort that out themselves.
We cannot interfere in peoples relationships mainly because we do not know whats goes on in any ones relationship behind closed doors.

Dilly did apologise for her remark and not everyone is big enough to apologise so give her some slack I doubt she ll use that phrase again
I have a feeling that after you apologise and explain that the situation was so familiar to you that you hadn’t seen it as a problem you will have an even closer relationship with your daughter in law She sounds a reasonable lady and hopefully you ll have a similar conversation with your youngest son too as it can’t be nice fir him living with an alcoholic father but having no power to do anything other than roll his eyes and tut tut
I feel things will be changing at least for three of you although I would imagine the fourth will continue with his familiar life style until he becomes ill and is left wondering why
Good luck Dilly remember nothing will change whist you accept and enable

Dilly - please don’t put yourself or your background down. Your daughter-in-law chose your son. She knew what his background is and his family and was not put off. Her family may be “cultured” but still had a drink problem.
Underneath, she probably IS “a normal girl” and you will no doubt see that as you support each other.

I hope you and she can build up a little support network - and your younger son too.

You say your dh may be a lost cause

He will stop drinking if he wants. He is responsible for his own sobriety.

However, what are you going to do about your youngest son? About you? Just because your dh chooses alcohol, you do not have to suffer the consequences of his addiction
You and your youngest son deserve to be happy, protected from the toxicity of your dh's addiction

Other posters, thank you for your support. You’re right it’s been quite a shock. I’ll see DIL over the weekend, she’s helping me with the garden whilst my son and DH play football and I’ll try approach it with her.
I feel pretty embarrassed to be honest. Her family is very cultured and my son was the first in our family to go to university, she must think us so common. I think that’s why it took so long for me to accept her I’d have rather have had a normal girl with a normal job for DS, but over the past couple of months we have gotten much closer and I really like her though we are chalk and cheese.
I think as others have said DH is a lost cause.

Hilda, I didn’t say where is your sense of humour, if you actually look further up the thread I apologised and said it was out of line. I actually picked up the phrase from my Irish
father who used to tease all his English friends they drank like the Irish. I’ve learnt my lesson and shan’t say it again.

......hardly a bit, I was amazed to see such a ridiculous comment made nowadays. Its got all the nasty old fashioned bigotry of a 'mother in law' joke. I had thought we were getting past such views but seems not.
The usual comeback is something along the lines of .....'oh I was just being light hearted' or 'where's your sense of humour?' Hopefully by challenging such comments we can finally weed them out.

I’m Irish and can manage more than a day without a drink!
Bit of a racist remark I think!!!

& look after each other, you DIL & DS2.

Addicts are selfish. I dont mean their character I mean the addiction makes people that way

Sobriety is lonely.

People assume that addiction is isolating but the opppsite is true: its an instant social circle.

That falling away can be harder than the withdrawl. I think the lonliness of sobriety, not the addiction itself. Is why a lot of addicts go back to it after stopping.

If one of your men stops and the other doesnt, it will be hard. Be on hand with DIL & DS2 to offer alternative ways of socialising as a family.

Be prepared for problems to arrise, or even a rift, if either one of your men stops and the others doesnt.

Here is why:

"I'm going to see my son/dad" in the pub

Sounds better than:

I'm going to the pub.

Drinking together when they see each other may be what their relationship is based on, under the guise of "spending time together".

If this happens, you, DIL and your younger son will need to be a united front and not let it affect the whole family.

The big belly may well be the drinking I don’t think you can do much about your husband as you ve let him do it for 30 plus years without questioning him or showing concern He won’t be leaving his friendship group so he probably won’t do much about it But be prepared because the older he gets the more this lifestyle will effect his health and may well shorten his life However you can do something for your son you can apologise to your daughter in law and put your heads to together to work out how you can help her and your son
You need to also rethink you attitude to your youngest son who is still at home his eye rolling at seeing his dad drunk (yet again) is not sarky he’s expressing his dislike of the situation and is right in his thinking
I m sorry you ve had such a shock and wake up call but at least you ve taken it on board and are thinking about it instead of accepting it as normal
Believe me it’s not

DillyTheGardener I can see you are feeling in a mess with no ideas. You need to share this with someone. Obviously there is your daughter in law who, I feel, expected you to already “know” there was a problem - but also your younger son appears to see it. Maybe here you have someone close to you who can share this with. Or maybe other wives of the “drinking buddies” are friends of yours?

Could you have a conversation with your younger son at least - maybe start off saying you are worried about his father’s health? I find it a comfort talking problems and worries through with other people who I love and trust, even if I can’t change anything.

Good luck. We are all sorry this has come as a shock to you and are wishing you well.

One thing to remember, alcoholics are always liars.
A friend of a friend said that they had a liver function test and it was absolutley fine, no health problems, died 24 hours later from ruptured oesophageal varices.

If his social circle would disappear if he stopped normalising their drinking, then they aren't "friends" they are drinking buddies.

Drinkers surround themselves with drinkers to normalise their drinking. Your DIL TBH may have a hard job at this point convincing your SIL that not everyone drinks like that with him coming from a family where the family friends are all heavy drinkers too. She is on her own in this with your son's friends and his dad pulling from the other side because they wont want your son stopping as he enables them as much as they enable him. They will villify your DIL for taking their drinking buddy away from them. Throw your DIL a lifeline, please! Reach out to her and apologise.

To be honest at your husbsnd's level of drinking he propably shouldnt just stop! It can be dangerous to stop heavy drinking without withdrawl medication: That is how serious his level of alcohol consumption is!

Perhaps his ‘tummy’ is due to drink not secret eating.

I don’t trust he will be truthful with the doctor. He definitely lies to him about his diet. The last time he came back from his GP he said the GP he was very fit and healthy, which I find hard to believe with a tummy bigger than mine when I was full term with my boys. I think he lies to the doctors and fibs to me about what they said when he relays it to me

getting drunk 3 or 4 times a week? thats a lot....maybe he ought to see his doctor find out if he's over doing it ,its suprising how many glasses is a how many units.i gave up drink at least 10 years ago. even though i never drank that much anyway.i think i had a drink last christmas at the works christmas dinner....and it was one glass of malibu and cranberry topped up with water when i got down to half way..so it was more like water malibu and cranberry..think of what the drink is doing to his liver...