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In law issue... childcare

(306 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

Hithere Mon 04-Nov-19 02:26:05

Maternityleave,

It is not your fault your MIL is sick.
There is nothing you can do to improve her health. Your child is not Prozac. You are not Prozac.

Your ILs are horrible people, you know it. They have showed it to you so many times
Time and time again they have showed you who they are and you choose to gaslight yourself into keeping the fake family facade.

You are in danger. This will not end with your mil's death. Your sil is as bad or worse than your mil.

It is as if your dh's fog is contagious.

MaternityLeave Mon 04-Nov-19 07:18:30

I am not sure what to say. I know mil will tell dh to look after the sil especially the unmarried sil. I am not sure how to deal with this. I can just about breathe when dealing with what is already happening / happened. I would probably break down at the thought of trying to deal or think about whats to come.
I live in fear of later regretting my behaviour and spending my life feeling guilty if i do not make an effort with mil. When she is no longer here, i never want to allow her to occupy my mind in a negative way again. And to do that i need to make sure i carry no guilt.
If MIL did give sil the thumbs up to approach dh with this complete rip off business proposal, i just don't understand why mil would do that especially as sil is extremely successful. Also i know dh is a soft touch. His mothers illness has probably got him closer to his siblings which is what he needs at this time and probably more so after her death. He has a lot to deal with and i feel i need to be there for him but also draw the lines and not be a walk over. I wonder what else they have tried to do. I will be the first to say that dh is a walk over etc but i am glad he managed to say no to their proposal and say i can get a better deal myself.

Madgran77 Mon 04-Nov-19 07:55:04

MaternityLeave what a difficult time for you. I have a couple of suggestions for what it's worth

1. Your instincts are that for you it is right to avoid carrying guilt after MIL is gone. So do whatever you feel is right to avoid that for yourself. You have been kind and compromising and generous and compassionate and you should keep reminding yourself of that every time negative guilt strikes you!

2. The business deal/MIL/SIL issue is separate to the fact that your MIL is coming to the end of her life. Instead of focusing on their mean selfish behaviour, try to focus on the fact that your husband resisted the suggestion despite his difficulties in saying no to his family. That is a huge and positive achievement for him. Be proud of him for that. He will partly have managed it because of the support he has from you. So focus on that and mentally stick 2 fingers up at their behaviour because they lost a bit of their influence over him that day he said no!!

3. The future ...keep in mind that he said no that one time. When "looking after" comes up, talk to your husband about what that actually means ...not money if she is well off etc! Start to make this "problem" into a shared one for both of you rather than his problem alone, that way you can influence and support him, whatever MIL has or has not said to him!!

I am so sorry that you are going through all this flowers

MaternityLeave Mon 04-Nov-19 08:24:53

Thank you for the structured clarity Madgran. I have reread and will read again when feeling overwhelmed.

Madgran77 Fri 08-Nov-19 12:40:47

How are things Maternity Leave?