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In law issue... childcare

(387 Posts)
MaternityLeave Sat 03-Aug-19 01:10:54

I have been with Dh for 14 years, married 4 and have 8 month old son.
In laws create minor issues other than when they emotionally manipulated dh to buy house on same road using mil terminal illness as leverage. As i was pregnant i was forced to accept this or create war in my home. Since then my respect for in laws has gone n my dislike grown. It also created a permanent crack in my relationship with DH. But i visit in laws for a few hours every week to ensure mil n fil have regular access, send pics n videos and organised trips to the park and zoo.
My current gripe is me n dh agreed son will fo nursery 3 days a week n i will be home 2 days a week once mat leave finishes.
Today dh says we should leave son with inlaws every afternoon. I am livid as it is a big decision and i know they are pressuring and manipulating him again. He is using cost saving as an excuse and says nursery days are too long for a baby but he has enrolled on voucher scheme at work and i am not interested in saving pennies. He also fails to mention his families views on this. Clearly they have spoken about it and agreed in my absence and he is now “working” on me. This is the very reason mil wanted to keep us local.
I refuse to accept this because:
1. I think my son will benefit socially and intellectually from nursery
2. I do not want in laws to have regular time with son in my absence
3. I dislike their approach
4. I will not have childcare support thrown in my face later or made to feel indebted or grateful leading DH to be further manipulated
5. I don't want them to influence my sons way of thinking or behaviour
Please advise what i can do? Am i being unreasonable or selfish?
In laws dote on son.

Hithere Mon 04-Nov-19 02:26:05

Maternityleave,

It is not your fault your MIL is sick.
There is nothing you can do to improve her health. Your child is not Prozac. You are not Prozac.

Your ILs are horrible people, you know it. They have showed it to you so many times
Time and time again they have showed you who they are and you choose to gaslight yourself into keeping the fake family facade.

You are in danger. This will not end with your mil's death. Your sil is as bad or worse than your mil.

It is as if your dh's fog is contagious.

MaternityLeave Mon 04-Nov-19 07:18:30

I am not sure what to say. I know mil will tell dh to look after the sil especially the unmarried sil. I am not sure how to deal with this. I can just about breathe when dealing with what is already happening / happened. I would probably break down at the thought of trying to deal or think about whats to come.
I live in fear of later regretting my behaviour and spending my life feeling guilty if i do not make an effort with mil. When she is no longer here, i never want to allow her to occupy my mind in a negative way again. And to do that i need to make sure i carry no guilt.
If MIL did give sil the thumbs up to approach dh with this complete rip off business proposal, i just don't understand why mil would do that especially as sil is extremely successful. Also i know dh is a soft touch. His mothers illness has probably got him closer to his siblings which is what he needs at this time and probably more so after her death. He has a lot to deal with and i feel i need to be there for him but also draw the lines and not be a walk over. I wonder what else they have tried to do. I will be the first to say that dh is a walk over etc but i am glad he managed to say no to their proposal and say i can get a better deal myself.

Madgran77 Mon 04-Nov-19 07:55:04

MaternityLeave what a difficult time for you. I have a couple of suggestions for what it's worth

1. Your instincts are that for you it is right to avoid carrying guilt after MIL is gone. So do whatever you feel is right to avoid that for yourself. You have been kind and compromising and generous and compassionate and you should keep reminding yourself of that every time negative guilt strikes you!

2. The business deal/MIL/SIL issue is separate to the fact that your MIL is coming to the end of her life. Instead of focusing on their mean selfish behaviour, try to focus on the fact that your husband resisted the suggestion despite his difficulties in saying no to his family. That is a huge and positive achievement for him. Be proud of him for that. He will partly have managed it because of the support he has from you. So focus on that and mentally stick 2 fingers up at their behaviour because they lost a bit of their influence over him that day he said no!!

3. The future ...keep in mind that he said no that one time. When "looking after" comes up, talk to your husband about what that actually means ...not money if she is well off etc! Start to make this "problem" into a shared one for both of you rather than his problem alone, that way you can influence and support him, whatever MIL has or has not said to him!!

I am so sorry that you are going through all this flowers

MaternityLeave Mon 04-Nov-19 08:24:53

Thank you for the structured clarity Madgran. I have reread and will read again when feeling overwhelmed.

Madgran77 Fri 08-Nov-19 12:40:47

How are things Maternity Leave?

MaternityLeave Fri 29-Nov-19 01:56:30

Hi Madgran,
Things are as well as can be expected. There is always one thing or the other. DS birthday caused a real mighty fuss. We basically had mix up on the party dates. Mil had control of the actual date which i accepted and there was misunderstandings etc. I didn't rise to it. But what got me was mil n fil cut DS birthday cake! They just assumed this role... i thought that was mum n dads role... anyway i just breathed through it. I reread your advise and put it as an act of kindness but i cant understand why they thought that was okay! I wasn't angry. I was surprised but not surprised they thought this was okay. Anyway its just crazy. But whats missing your first childs cake cutting in comparison to having cancer.

Summerlove Fri 29-Nov-19 02:29:37

But whats missing your first childs cake cutting in comparison to having cancer.
You sound so beaten down, it makes me sad.

You are trying so hard to be kind and generous to people who treat you so poorly.

Please remember that you matter. Your wants and needs are valid. You can never get this time back either.

Madgran77 Fri 29-Nov-19 06:42:10

Hi MaternityLeave

Was the party at MILs house? Why did she have control of the date (fitting it around appointments??)

Ignoring the cancer issue for a minute, if the party was at MILs house then that might partially explain the assumption that they would cut the cake. They seem to struggle to consider others viewpoints/wishes , probably exacerbated by their stress with cancer.

Putting your acceptance as an act of kindness is fine, and generous of you. But I am sure you are also strong enough to not allow the cancer to become a total excuse for getting away with things that are really put of order As Summelove says, you can never get this time with your son back.

I totally understand why you would want to be the one to cut the cake etc. If it is any consolation, as the years go by with ones children, so many lovely milestones come and go that one experiences with them and so missing one becomes somehow less important.

Keep in touch flowers

Hithere Sat 30-Nov-19 00:39:24

So your ILs stole your dc's bday party. Given their past behaviour, it is very predictable and expected.

Again, you have to decide how much you are willing to accept from them.
How many milestones do you want to give them in order to keep the peace/not rock the boat/"show them kindness" till you say enough?

MaternityLeave Sat 30-Nov-19 01:06:06

Hi everyone,

The party was at their house to accommodate them. Also our current arrangements are unsuitable. They decided the dates as we escaped for a week during ds bday. So they chose when to work it. We provided cake and food etc. I find their conduct extremely unreasonable. And yet even thinking or writing things like this makes me feel petty. Its like my life has become everything v cancer. Whats worse... and of course cancer is so everything else doesn't matter. I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed by it. I sound like a broken record.

MaternityLeave Sat 30-Nov-19 01:08:07

I even felt guilty for booking a week away during ds birthday. I felt i needed something for just us. My dear parents have no opinions or wants. Thats one blessing i have come to appreciate.

Hithere Sat 30-Nov-19 01:35:38

Cancer is the excuse they use.

They would have hijacked your life anyway

Summerlove Sat 30-Nov-19 02:01:45

Cancer isn’t worse than everything. They are manipulating you.

You need to stop letting them

Visit, include them, be kind. But do it on your terms

MaternityLeave Sat 30-Nov-19 07:53:51

Hithere- i know this. And if she was fit as a fiddle, i could have been more tough. Perhaps dh would have also been more tough. Even now at random points ib the day i remember what she/ they have done.

Summerlove- Yes i mostly do things on my terms. But when they irritate or push things, i usually let it slide n use the whole she has cancer to try n put things into perspective.

Thank you for the replies. I prob should in the future start a new thread. I am probably giving too much identifiable information all in one place. It was just easier to reach everyone here.

Hithere Sat 30-Nov-19 12:33:26

Maternityleave

How could you be more firm if you have your dh and ILs against you, even in the event of full health?

If you open a new thread, you might get inaccurate responses due to the lack of background and details. I understand your concern, though

Smileless2012 Sat 30-Nov-19 17:05:54

Maternityleave you are being unquestionably kind, caring and supportive in extremely difficult circumstances.

flowers.

MaternityLeave Sun 01-Dec-19 00:53:33

I think i would not spend a lot of time feeling guilty for disliking mil n sils. I would have probably stood my ground more but right now i try to tell myself that keeping MIL happy is more important as i dont know how long she has. Inside it is a real struggle and i probably spend 30% of my day remembering the negatives and then beating myself up for not being a big enough person to let things go. Its a mental struggle.

MaternityLeave Sun 01-Dec-19 00:55:46

Smileless- i dont feel like i am being kind etc as my negative thoughts and deep feelings of anger and resentment can consume me. It seems petty that i cant let it go. But i go and do my duty and smile through it the best i can.

OutsideDave Sun 01-Dec-19 03:38:51

You’re being a right doormat, dear. Cancer stinks, but so does losing out on getting to be mummy. Do you think when your LO is an adult and has a child of your own; you won’t feel sadness and regret as (hopefully) they get to enjoy all the milestones you sacrificed to MIL? Or will you be bitter an angry, long after Mil is gone? These years go by so very very fast, and my kiddos are still quite small....if you aren’t in the moment and enjoying every second you can, you will regret that. I couldn’t enjoy my lo’s childhoods with mil breathing down my neck and having to be on guard all the time for her trying to steal some first or ‘mom’ moment from me. She felt entitled because she’d let her mil boss her around and sacrificed her kids childhoods to her ILs/foo. Therefore it was FINALLY her turn. Your mil raised children. Her regrets are not your issue.

eazybee Sun 01-Dec-19 07:50:54

My sympathies are entirely with the mother in law.
If you don't want to feel guilty, stop sharing your thoughts with the rest of the world.

Madgran77 Sun 01-Dec-19 09:27:05

MaternityLeave if sharing your thoughts helps you to keep going through this difficult situation then do it.

You are trying to find a way through balancing your own needs against the needs of someone who is dying. That is kind and thoughtful and not "being a doormat". You rightly prioritised your own needs when you went away; nothing to feel guilty about and to be honest, most people who truly cared about their son and his family would not question it; if your PIL did, that says something about them, not you!!!

I think as you know how these people behave though you need to try to anticipate a bit more, and therefore take control of your needs with your child, as well as be ready to deal with situations as they arise.

You are not being petty ...OutsideDave is right ... these years with little children do go quickly and lots of things are special to store up as memories.

Your MILs cancer does not mean that you lose your parenting "specials". It is for you to decide what you can and cant give because of her cancer, it is not for her to just take even in her sad situation. flowers

OutsideDave Sun 01-Dec-19 15:59:25

The only needs MIl has are related to her own care, and health. Mil does not need to host birthday parties, cut cakes, or otherwise relive early motherhood. They are merely wants, and selfish ones at that.

love0c Sun 01-Dec-19 16:06:13

OutsideDave I realise you have a different attitude/view to many other posters and that is fine and indeed good. A different viewpoint is needed to posters as most post on here for advice. However, could you try to deliver your view with a little compassion. People on here are suffering. Yes, it maybe through their own fault but suffering nevertheless. If someone does a silly dangerous thing and have been told it will end in them getting hurt, break a bone etc you wouldn't then not have a bit of sympathy for them, when they do break a bone, surely?

love0c Sun 01-Dec-19 16:09:17

I don't think OutsideDave is the only one either. No doubt abuse will follow but I will not be posting regarding this.

Hithere Sun 01-Dec-19 16:19:18

Outsidedave is saying what I have been saying all along.

OP had a huge nice girl syndrome problem.

Madgran77 Sun 01-Dec-19 18:32:11

The only needs MIl has are related to her own care, and health. Mil does not need to host birthday parties, cut cakes, or otherwise relive early motherhood. They are merely wants, and selfish ones at that.

I am unsure what you are saying to the OP here that is of any help really. She is in the middle of a difficult situation, is trying to get through it and trying to protect her own life as best she can; whether we agree or not she appears to be trying to keep in mind the cancer in how she is dealing with it all! . The OP has explained why they were arranging/hosting the party. We may not necessarily agree with how the family sorted that between them but it is a fact that they did. The OP was then genuinely shocked/hurt at losing out on cutting the cake. She asked for confirmation that her feelings about this were ok. She got clear messages about protecting this precious time with her young child as it goes so quickly. Hopefully that will help her in making wise decisions for her little family about other things as they arise,

Hithere Sun 01-Dec-19 18:40:54

OP needs to hear a non enmeshed view of her situation. A rational and non emotional point of view.

She has the power to change if she wishes.

Hithere Sun 01-Dec-19 18:43:36

Apologies, she doesn't need to hear anything she doesn't want to.

There are other rational, non enmeshed povs also available for her

Madgran77 Sun 01-Dec-19 19:43:04

Hither Yes I agree!

Smileless2012 Mon 02-Dec-19 16:59:34

But you are being kind and thoughtful MaternityLeave because you're keeping your negative thoughts and emotions to yourself, thus enabling your m.i.l. to enjoy whatever time she has left with her GC.

Don't be so hard on yourselfflowers.

Madgran77 Mon 02-Dec-19 18:21:20

Don't be so hard on yourself. Take note Maternity Leave, Smileless is right!

OutsideDave Sat 07-Dec-19 02:29:11

‘Kind’ and ‘thoughtful’ to everyone but herself. You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your kids deserve a happy, contented mom. What ever you need to ensure they get that mom vs the internally seething mom....its up to you.

NotSpaghetti Sat 07-Dec-19 06:25:22

My understanding is that the chemotherapy risk is around bodily fluids for a period after the therapy.
This means that toilets need cleaning carefully (and some hospitals suggest disposable gloves for this), washing sheets hot (and not leaving in the laundry basket to be handled by others) and being alert to dangers of saliva, sneezing etc.

The biggest other issue is the handling of drugs. Some countries say to use disposable gloves for this too. I think in the UK we just say "wash hands thoroughly" and don't touch anything till you do.

So although a nuisance, if your mother-in-law has help anyway, even if she's not feeling well after treatment I would think there are plenty of adults to make things safe.
Try not to worry about that aspect of your relationship with your husband's family and concentrate on the way to negotiate the childcare problem.

Personally, if I could afford it, I would want to stay at home with my little one - but everyone is different and I know thus would drive some people mad!
Good luck.

NotSpaghetti Sat 07-Dec-19 06:33:31

Sorry, this seems to have come from nowhere. I have been thinking about it for some time! There was a brief discussion about chemo and visiting and being susceptible to cold etc.
It was some distance "upthread".
Apologies.

Madgran77 Sat 07-Dec-19 12:52:18

02:29OutsideDave ‘Kind’ and ‘thoughtful’ to everyone but herself. You don’t have to light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

No, the OP has worked through a lot of the problems in a way that she feels she can manage. She knows herself well enough to know that she needs to avoid feeling guilty after MILs death. We may think she doesnt need to feel guilty and shouldn't but SHE knows that she will so is trying to avoid that. She took her family away, despite pressure from MIL etc; that is being kind to herself and her family and is an achievement for her in a difficult process.

Norah Sat 07-Dec-19 14:41:24

Clearly your in-laws believe emotional blackmail works, you have proved it does. You deserve a life with your children, without constant in-law interference.

OutsideDave Sat 07-Dec-19 19:06:36

There is a wonderful
Book called ‘nice
Girl syndrome’ by Beverly Engel which you might find useful in dealing with your unneeded and inappropriate guilt, OP.

Madgran77 Sun 08-Dec-19 09:45:18

Yes I have read that book too. I agree it is very good Outsidedave!

grandtanteJE65 Sun 08-Dec-19 13:01:39

Like Stella, I don't understand how a terminally ill woman or her husband are going to look after an eight month old child!

In your place, I would use this as my starting point in a discussion with my husband.

I understand very well that you have other reasons for not wanting your in-laws looking after your son, but most of them will either be hurtful to your husband or cause an argument with him or both. So start with you MILs health issues.

Hithere Mon 09-Dec-19 13:14:39

So SIL can get her paws on the child.

Mil is not the only evil one in this saga

Smileless2012 Mon 09-Dec-19 13:25:33

shock the OP's m.i.l. is dying and the OP is doing her best to put her understandable issues and grievances with her m.i.l. to one side.

The OP's s.i.l.'s mother is dying so again, the OP is dealing with this very difficult and traumatic situation in the best way she can.

Referring to a woman who is dying from cancer as evil, especially when the OP has never referred to her in those terms is appalling.

pinkquartz Mon 09-Dec-19 13:31:14

" It saddens me that grandmas and mils have such strong view and no empathy. Are we to live by your rules just because you loved and raised your children?"

OP is part of this issue cultural? Are you expected to go along with your DH 's family?

I would not be happy to feel that the in-laws were in charge of my child care but you do have a choice.
Stay at home with your Baby. If you do not want to leave him with Pil then don't.
I find the Mil sounds very manipulative. People I have known who are terminally ill don't have that much energy or good days so that puzzles me.

pinkquartz Mon 09-Dec-19 13:32:44

I forgot to add that we are not stand ins for your Mil...

we are all very different on Gransnet

pinkquartz Mon 09-Dec-19 13:38:37

Mil doesn't need to make memories...you do. The more I htink about it the more I think that you are being manipulated and it is not right.
Time now for you to enjoy being with your DS

Your Mil has her family she is loved and looked after.
Do not keep giving into the family.
Time now for you and your.

You have done well to keep quiet for so long but you have been played and now is the time to stop.

Do not feel guilty about Mil.

Hithere Mon 09-Dec-19 13:50:59

Smileless,

Hitler was evil. If he had cancer, he would still be evil.

Evil is what you do, not the status of your health

Hithere Mon 09-Dec-19 13:51:23

And no, I am not comparing this MIL, any MIL, to Hitler.

Smileless2012 Mon 09-Dec-19 13:57:12

Who are you to say the OP's m.i.l. is evil, you don't know her. The OP does know her and has never referred to her as being evil.

Hithere Mon 09-Dec-19 13:59:00

Her actions are not very kind and sensitive to the child and dil - being diplomatic here.

Let's agree to disagree

Good morning to all!

OutsideDave Tue 10-Dec-19 02:23:47

I’ll say it’s absolutely evil to tear away a child from its mother, to usurp her, ruin memories she can’t get back, just to be able to get to have fun with the child like it’s a doll. Even if you are sick. Jerks with cancer are still jerks.

Pattiesew Wed 11-Dec-19 14:32:17

I've come to this discussion late, and have been thinking about it a lot. The one person that's rarely mentioned is the child. The biggest question should be - what's best for them? Think about the positives that grandparents can bring to a DC's life. A DC can't be loved too much, by too many people, old and young etc, particularly family. The thought of DC being left all day in nursery when they could be spending the afternoon with their GPs who obviously love them deeply makes me sad. I'm a GM and I count my DiL as one of my closest relatives/friends.

pinkquartz Wed 11-Dec-19 15:30:09

I agree Pattisew I keep meaning to mention the child and then I forget.

But it is a reason why I sometimes mention that children do deserve to have grandparents.

Mine meant so much to me and I hope that i mean a lot to my DGC's

Madgran77 Wed 11-Dec-19 16:35:30

Although a positive relationship with a grandparent is a wonderful thing I do think that in the OPs case she is quite right to be considering options very carefully. The child is HER child (and her husbands) and on the basis of their experiences with MIL/SIL and MILs health, they need to be very careful in my view. The OP is working hard to allow a relationship that her dying MIL can enjoy, whilst trying to ensure her own relationship/experiences with her child are not compromised and that her child is experiencing positive and appropriate care

Smileless2012 Wed 11-Dec-19 16:39:16

A very difficult thing to manage Madgran and the OP appears to be doing a great job.

Ninat474 Wed 11-Dec-19 16:57:00

you should be able to make your own mind up about your life and family. Buying a house on same road because mil is ill? No way. Too late now I know, but that was your future home. Is your child going to be substitute child for childless sis and sis whose children have presumably left home? Is your husband a much younger child in that family? Why did they want to stop the marriage?
Think the cancer is being used as a lever to manipulate you/husband. Many people recover from cancer now.
For your own happiness this needs resolving so you can feel in control of your life and family

MaternityLeave Thu 19-Dec-19 01:25:58

Hi
Things have moved on a great deal and i felt it important to update as many of you have kindly supported and advised me on this matter.
Mil is really unwell now n at best has a couple of months but this could be weeks. Family is putting on a brave face as is dh. They spend a lot of time travelling to hospital and bk. i have been a good support network (i think) by cooking meals for everyone and taking LO to make regular visits whilst managing home n work life whilst dh spends time with MIL. Without saying anything to MIL n vice versa, i feel i have made peace with the past. I think a walk through Christies is a humbling experience that the bigger picture becomes clear before i reached mils bedside.
I have seen patients around mil during visits that are not there the next visit as they have died. So sad as one lady loved opening her advent calendar but this year she didnt get to finish it. Empty beds or new faces.
That being said, i have maintained my boundaries and endured LO goes to nursery. Re the house buy which was probably my biggest grip- its still under renovation and i pray mil gets to see it completed as this meant a lot to her. So many lessons learnt. The biggest being patience and learning to set boundaries. I hope my experience of being a DIL enables me to be a good MIL n GP one day.

Hithere Thu 19-Dec-19 02:33:46

So sorry to hear your MIL is worse.
You are amazing at supporting everybody and taking care of LO.

Don't forget to take care of yourself as well thanks

Smileless2012 Thu 19-Dec-19 09:31:11

Your experience of being a wonderful DIL will indeed set you in good stead as a MIL and GP in future.

Such a difficult time for you all, I'm so sorry that your MIL's health is deteriorating. Take care of yourself as you take care of your familyflowers.

MissAdventure Thu 19-Dec-19 09:37:26

I'm so glad you found the kindest way through your issues. flowers
Wishing you and your in laws a peaceful Christmas.

Summerlove Thu 19-Dec-19 17:15:10

Keeping you in my thoughts x

OutsideDave Sun 22-Dec-19 15:03:11

I’m confused by that statement smileless- how will being a ‘good’ DIL now do anything as far as her future relationships with an eventual CIL or grandchildren? While having a bad MIL can hopefully prepare a DIL/SIL to be more compassionate when they are the PIL, whether they are a ‘good’ ‘bad’ or ‘indifferent’ CIL to their PIL doesn’t mean anything to their future CIL.

Madgran77 Sun 22-Dec-19 15:16:51

I’m confused by that statement smileless- how will being a ‘good’ DIL now do anything as far as her future relationships with an eventual CIL or grandchildren? While having a bad MIL can hopefully prepare a DIL/SIL to be more compassionate when they are the PIL, whether they are a ‘good’ ‘bad’ or ‘indifferent’ CIL to their PIL doesn’t mean anything to their future CIL.

I read the point as being that the OPs experience as a DIL/CIL will have been a learning experience for the future if/when she is a MIL. In other words, the difficulties that she has experienced with her PIL/MIL will help her to think about what sort of MIL she might be/her behaviours as a MIL and the possible perpspective of her future CIL! I have certainly learnt how NOT to be in particular roles by observing/experiencing others in those roles, as much as I have learnt the best way to be too, and my own experiences in roles have taught me about the possible perspectives of others in those roles!!

Surely we all if open minded learners in life, can learn from others and from experiences that influence our future behaviour, perpective and behaviours

Smileless2012 Sun 22-Dec-19 17:19:05

You read my post correctly Madgran; thank you. TBH I don't know why you would have found my statement confusing OutsideDavetchconfused.

OutsideDave Sun 22-Dec-19 22:26:56

But you specifically said ‘your experience of being a GOOD dil’ —- as though it’s her behavior currently that influences her experiences in the future. It’s the experience of having a BAD mother in law, not her response, that might make her more compassionate. She can learn from a bad mil what not to do. She can’t learn anything from being a ‘good’ DIL, because her behavior towards her mil now has nothing to do with her future dils Behavior towards her. A ‘bad’ DIL and a ‘good’ DIL of the same mother in law - are about as likely as anyone else to have good or bad experiences as MILs in the future.

Madgran77 Sun 22-Dec-19 22:38:27

I don't agree Outside Dave We can all learn from how we have dealt with specific events and situations in our lives...and may therefore deal with a future situation the same or differently with different people!!

And situations linked to different people teach us different things...the specific "category" a person is in in our lives at a specific time (MIL/DIL or whatever) is not necessarily the most relevant point; the most relevant thing is how we have dealt with those specific people and situations and what we have learnt from that, good, bad or indifferent!!! So we may learn things about future roles we might play or we may just learn things about how to deal with people who behave in a specific way.

Smileless2012 Sun 22-Dec-19 22:49:40

Yes, because on more than one occasion the OP has berated herself for not being the way she thought she should be, due to historic issues with her m.i.l OutsideDave

The OP posted "I hope my experience of being a DIL enables me to be a good MIL n GP one day", it was that I was responding too.

I totally disagree, it is the OP's positive response to a bad mil that will be a positive experience not having a bad mil. The only positive thing that can ever come from having a bad person in your life, is if you manage to turn their negative impact on your life into something positive for yourself.

NotSpaghetti Mon 23-Dec-19 01:50:26

MaternityLeave, thanks for coming back to update.
So sorry to hear things have suddenly got worse but I'm heartened to hear you have found a not-so-painful path through.
Wishing you, your husband and your little one all the best for the future.
flowers

OutsideDave Mon 23-Dec-19 02:49:29

I’m reading it as her experience of being a DIL with a crap mil will give her the ability to remember, when she is a mil, what it was like as a DIL and behave differently towards her future dils and thus helping to ensure a different sort of relationship.

Starlady Mon 23-Dec-19 02:59:15

Sorry MIL is so ill, Maternity. But bravo to you, Maternity, for being supportive and keeping your boundaries at the same time!

Madgran77 Mon 23-Dec-19 13:38:00

Sorry MIL is so ill, Maternity. But bravo to you, Maternity, for being supportive and keeping your boundaries at the same time!
Well put Starlady. So sorry you are facing all this Maternity

Smileless2012 Mon 30-Dec-19 19:12:25

I was just wondering how Christmas went for you all MaternityLeave and how your m.i.l. was doingflowers.

Harris27 Mon 30-Dec-19 19:18:48

I’m a nursery practitioner and yes he will stimulate from being with children and that said he will flourish with people who love him. Just because your not keen on the in laws don’t get it crossed over with the issue that he needs to be in nursery. I often have to placate upset parents because their children are getting left as they have no other childcare options. These are the ones I feel sorry for.

Hithere Thu 02-Jan-20 04:42:05

Hope you are ok

EI4G Thu 02-Jan-20 06:04:39

With regard to your mil and fil you seem to hold quite a bit of resentment towards them and a distinct lack of empathy for their situation. They obviously want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson and unless you feel they are unfit, cruel, unkind etc. to take care of your son, the problem seems to be yours in the making. Allowing your son to be cared for by two loving grandparents will do more for for his intellectual and social development than any nursery environment. Be kind.

Madgran77 Thu 02-Jan-20 08:08:51

E14G I suggest you read the OPs latest update rather than her first post!

Summerlove Tue 07-Jan-20 13:25:49

How’re you doing MaternityLeave?

MaternityLeave Wed 08-Jan-20 16:33:30

Hi everyone,
I am well thank you! Little one has started the nursery of my choice. I skipped to work when i dropped him off as i realised then i had successfully stood my ground without causing an argument with dh.
Mil is now at home. She isnt doing well. From what i gather she is on medication to manage pain but not treatment.
Our relationship is still very complicated. There are days when a monster within me reveals itself. Often triggered by one new thing or the other. But i find a way to rise above it. Often with difficulty.
On the bright side, things are good with LO and DH.

Summerlove Wed 08-Jan-20 18:28:04

I’m sorry the relationship is still so difficult with your MIL. It worries me that you think your feelings of (what I assume are) resentment equal a monster inside of you. You are allowed to have whatever feelings you want. I applaud you for rising above, but please don’t put yourself down for having what are, very likely, justified feelings.

I think it’s fantastic that you have finally gotten your child into the nursery of your choice.

OutsideDave Thu 09-Jan-20 11:34:46

I’m glad your baby is in a childcare of your choice. Any plans to move house once MIL passes?

TrendyNannie6 Thu 09-Jan-20 14:56:00

I’m thinking that maybe the baby going to the Mil although wonderful to see him would it be too much for a terminally ill person to care for, I think you are living far to close to them , you visit them anyway you said for a few hours every week so it’s not as if they have no contact with their grandson, so your dh has gone back on what you both agreed on, that your son would be going to nursery, but is now saying he should go to your in-laws every afternoon I totally agree with you, you are his mother, I wouldn’t be happy, you should put his needs first as you were doing, I blame your DH I’m afraid he should stand up to his parents you and your son come first, to be perfectly honest if there was a way that you could stay at home and look after him I would do that, he’s very young and you could go back to work when he’s bit older

TrendyNannie6 Thu 09-Jan-20 14:58:45

Just seen your updated post, that’s great news you have found a way round this

Madgran77 Thu 09-Jan-20 18:18:36

Great news re son settling into Nursery Maternity Leave. Sorry things remain difficult with MIL. Keep focusing on DH and moving forward together with any plans that you want together, rather than any plans anyone else has for you! flowers

ananimous Sat 25-Jan-20 20:17:01

@MaternityLeave
Don't let them traumatize your child.

Go with your gut instinct - You are absolutely right.

Some posters are shockingly niave when it comes to inter-generational dysfunction, and kiddy-fiddlers tactics and who they target.

It's your job to filter idiots out of your childs life - even if they are related.
These people are not to be trusted to rely on for childcare advice having already proven to be groomed once, unless they do the work on boundaries they are not self-aware at all.
You will be exhausted later on trying to undo all their toxicity.

Regardless of it all, I would set firm rules with hubby and insist you both sing from the same hym sheet going forwards.

The only regret I ever had in this life is not leaving a relationshit sooner.

Hetty58 Sat 25-Jan-20 20:24:01

I think you stumbled upon the exact right word there ananimous -relationshit!

ananimous Sat 25-Jan-20 20:25:00

No, intentional.

Smileless2012 Sun 26-Jan-20 03:37:40

I'm pleased that LO is going to the nursery of your choice ML and you managed this without arguing with your DH. It's also good to hear that "things are good with LO and DH*smile.

This is a very difficult time for you all, especially your m.i.l's immediate family as she is now receiving pain relief medication but no further treatment.

My thoughts are with you allflowers.

mike28939 Sun 09-Feb-20 23:51:41

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