In law issue... childcare

I rather doubt she is going to die any time soon.
What makes you so sure?

I think that if someone is receiving palliative care they will not really feel up to caring for a young baby anyway.
As I said, it all sounds rather odd.

Who said anything about palliative care though, she seems to be popping to visit (possible abusive) friends) and looking to do child (baby) care so cant be very unwwell even if she has a terminal diagnosis
It is all odd callistemon

If the diagnosis is terminal there could be other treatments available, of course.

However, some kindness is always welcome too.

We rather doubted my daughter was going to die anytime soon, until she did.
How unkind and unfeeling, not to mention ignorant!

Maternityleave,

I agree with nonanan2 and agnurse.

You already see your ILs weekly, which is a lot. Do you even see your friends every week?

There is no need to "compromise" with MIL and daycare.
Why does she need time alone with your baby? Is she even capable of taking care of baby being terminal and receiving treatment?
The side effects of chemo are brutal and she may not be able to be around the baby whole receiving treatment.
She is a manipulator using her disease for own selfish agenda.

Hell, we are all terminal. We do not know when we are going to die. Your mil has been sick 7 years and counting, how much longer is she going to last?

Deal with your dh, he is the problem

What a vile post Hithere

Although you are right, none of us can predict the future. However, if we are to believe this saga , then the MIL's future has been predicted as limited.

I feel for you, MaternityLeave. I understand that you must feel pressured, manipulated, and put in "second place" (my words) by DH to your ILs. Hugs!

You say you would like some of the MIL perspective, if possible, and as an MIL, myself, I think I can see it, especially in this case. Given her illness, I imagine that MIL is feeling a little desperate, afraid she won't get "enough time" w/ her GS before she dies or gets to ill to enjoy him. FIL and your SILs may be worried for her, as well. IMO, you are being very generous w/ your time, but no time may seem like "enough" to them right now and no location "close enough" (that would explain the house issue). Or they may be a possessive family, anyhow, IDK.

But, IMO, even if their behavior is driven by MIL's illness, that doesn't mean you and DH have to let them take over your decisions. In fact, I think it means you need to be even more vigilant about seeing that doesn't happen. You both need to make sure that choices about your life and your child are still made by the two of you and only the two of you.
What bothers me the most is that DH seems to have discussed the childcare issue AFTER he had already made a decision w/ you and even enrolled in a childcare voucher program at work. It sounds as if he mentioned it to his parents or sisters, and they objected. Instead of saying, "sorry, this is between ML and me and the decision has already been made," he made the mistake of listening and letting himself be influenced by their (so-called) concerns.

IMO, you need to have a talk w/ DH and let him know that, in the future, parenting decision need to be made by the two of you, only, w/ no one else getting a vote. If he wants to seek his family's advice, he should, at least do it BEFORE he makes a decision w/ you, not agree to a plan of action and then change his position b/c he spoke to them. But, given their ulterior motives, IMO, it's better if you discuss these issues w/ each other only. And surely, once you and he make your parenting choice, it should be final.

I get that DH's sisters would be doing more of the care than MIL, so her illness wouldn't interfere w/ that. Therefore, yes, a compromise of 1 afternoon a week might be a good idea.
However, I think you need to mull that over carefully, if you feel you can't trust MIL not to take him to see people who might endanger him. That's a common fear in today's world, and, clearly, you have a specific reason to be worried.

No doubt, you're worried that fighting DH on this would widen that "crack" in your marriage. But letting the ILs make all your decisions will hurt your marriage, too, and eventually, perhaps, destroy it. Please fight for what you feel is best for your marriage and your child.

In the end, resolving the issue by staying home may be the best option. There are many years ahead in which you can work, and you may truly enjoy being there for all baby's "firsts," etc. I know I did. Please let us know what you decide.

As for the idea that you should be helping MIL, that would be very kind, but I don't know if you could do that w/ a glad heart, right now. Perhaps once the interference issue is settled? Plus, I'm sure you have your hands full w/ your baby. Besides, MIL has a husband, I take it, and 3 AC, is that correct? I don't think you should feel guilted into pitching in on top of everything else.

Callistamon….vile is just the right word.

MissAdventure…..So true.

MissAdventure, so deeply sorry for your loss. xx

I think we all have to accept that MaternityLeave has had 14 years of experience of this family.

Up to now, she's kept the peace, been a good daughter-in-law (even though they jeopardised her and DH wedding) and still wants to be, despite their shenanigans.
I think this is admirable actually.

Now, along comes a precious baby and they see another lever to add to the terminal illness.

Under no circumstances, even if she had expert nurses on hand, should a lady who is dying, have care of a small child.
She's not going to get any better and her carers will have their hands full with all the necessary (and perhaps unpleasant) tasks which terminal illness brings.

This little fellow is 8 months old and in the blink of an eye will be walking and getting about the place - in a non-childproof home. If the carer has no children, is she on the alert for an active child who may grab medication or be hurt by equipment?
Is this really the right environment for a growing, curious toddler?

His Daddy planned for childcare before his birth, his Mummy wants childcare and that is by far the best environment for him as he grows and seeks to learn about his world.

He needs to be with people who know, love and are alert and trained for little hands, and quick wits, and running toddler feet. He needs to be in an entirely SAFE environment.

So my view is this MaternityLeave: sit down with your husband tell him he was right in the first place to pay in to the voucher scheme.
Ask him to see the long view and that his mother's care really needs to be first on the list with the carers in that house.
Just as your son's welfare has to be a priority in yours.

Say you would like to present a united but loving front to his family (after all, you have proved you care about them, even if you don't much like them) for well over a decade.
You are prepared to take your son, well supervised for regular visits and outings with grandmama as long as she can manage it.

Don't let this turn into a battle which drives a wedge between you and your husband. Despite not liking your mil, you obviously want to be fair to her and your husband will value that. Now and much later.

I can see how DH will want his mother, on borrowed time, to see as much of her grandson as possible, but you are not preventing that, just doing what is clearly best for your little boy. It's a compromise all need to accept.

I hope it all works out.

Hi everyone,
Thank you for your responses.
Bradford lass and Star lady, i think you have grasped the problem rather well. These family relationships are very difficult. Negative emotions are entrenched due to the difficulties i faced at the time of marriage and house purchase. This is probably affecting my judgement.
It saddens me deeply that posters like Callistamon question the honesty of my post and call me controlling. If this was the case i would not be here seeking advice. Instead i would tell my husband our son is going to childcare. I know he will not like this but if i put my foot down he will have to accept it. But i am seeking advice on if 2 visits a week between 4.00-6.30pm is reasonable access? But some posters seem not to answer that but attack me instead.
The other common concern here is how can my terminally ill mil look after a baby. As i said, i have two very able and available sils at hand. And my fil is very fit and healthy too. So the actual care giving is not an issue.
Also saving money is not a concern here.
Earlier i also said my concern was what happens if my in laws do something which i dont agree with like feeding my son something i don't want him to eat or allowing him to watch too much tv or not giving him enough naps etc. This is what they do when i visit but i try not to say much as i dont want to be that fussy mum. I know they will not take kindly to my preferences and i will feel stifled and angry causing further dislike and resentment. Also this childcare “support” in laws provide will make them feel like they have ownership. I have seen many threads on here which show grandparents feel they are taken advantage of n are free childcare but never get to do the fun stuff etc. I would rather do the days out with in laws. So please try to understand my reasonings before labelling me as controlling.
Finally i dont know how long my mil has to live. I hope she has a long life and is able to watch her grandson grow. Perhaps as one poster said, she is desperate and needy and possibly this makes her behave unreasonably. Maybe none of us realise the desperation one feels when death is clutching at their throats. And maybe my issues are petty. Its so difficult.
Thank you again everyone. One thing for sure is whether i give in to mil i will not be happy and if i do what i want i will be consumed with guilt. I feel this summarises my entire marriage. Dh prob feels the same.

Also one final thing i will attempt to address is dh. I know dh can put an end to all these issues by putting his foot down and saying no. He has done this a few times on other issues such as how we spend Christmas, birthdays, Christenings etc. Going on holidays, car purchases, lifestyle choices, our sons food choices etc. Mil can be quite opinionated and he has voiced our views and stood his ground. I understand his difficult position. This is why i did not leave when he bought the house. This is why i cannot be forceful with this issue because i can see he is torn and he too is hurting. I think posters here forget the complexities of emotions here.
I was once told that when MIL is no longer here this pressure i feel will also go. But now i realise this pressure will increase as fil will become vulnerable and will rely on his grandson for his happiness. Dh will feel even more guilt and sils will be fiercely protective of fil and so the issues continue.

Of course if a poster sees the problem through your eyes only they will be supportive other posters are trying to see it through all eyes and give you more real advice
I think because of your concerns real or imaginary you have no choice but to look after your son yourself not your mother in law, not your father in law, not your sister in laws, but you and the nursery, Money is not a problem you say, so that’s the best thing all round
Continue your visits and your limited ‘leaving with them’ one or two hours in an afternoon and hopefully this will all blow over and everyone will live happily ever after but you will need to talk to your husband because really he is the pin to all this he is the one who should have been making the situation clear to his mum and dad he is the one who has blurred the lines more than once (house first) now childcare
I will just say my friend who has had cancer now in remission does a lot of childcare with her husband two young boys 5 and a few months ...not everyone is (ill) ill with cancer and terminal can be anything from weeks to years it means not able to cure some people are very ill and have a dreadful time others are just living with it

Yes bluebell. I agree with what you say. I am not sure how cancer and chemo and remission work. It seems to vary. I know mil feels exhausted a week after chemo. Then she is well and “normal” for 3 weeks until she does the chemo again and the cycle continues. She has chemo for 6 months. And is then fine until cancer grows. Also in general mil is a strong minded and hard working lady. She will not allow the cancer to take over her routine.
With childcare i have two non confrontational solutions.
First- dont go back to work.
Second- send son to nursery near my work. In laws cant pick him up. This means they cant have access to him between 4.00/6.30pm which is what i thought was reasonable but they will still have a couple of hours a week in the weekends.

Also one final thing i will attempt to address is dh. I know dh can put an end to all these issues by putting his foot down and saying no

It is not about saying "no"

It is about saying "I will discuss it with MaternityLeave and then WE will get back to you" rather than deciding on your life choices and childs upbringing without you then "working" you into compliance!

In an ideal world notanan. I wish! But that will only rile his family up further!

But it doesnt matter how "riled" they are they are not your childs parents!

If your DH acknowledging you as the childs parent "riles" them then your concerns about them having your child unsupervised are justified!

Your baby will always be closer to you than aunts/ grandparents as long as you can be a good enpugh parent and shelve your dislike. Do not be jealous of the love they have for your child..be pleased! Kids will be confused by tension between the people they care about so tread carefully.
A good parent is a happy parent. A happy parent isn’t one who is being assaulted with guilt for having the audacity to actually want to make parenting decisions without interference from external family members.

OP does far more than most to ensure her child knows his extended family, but she shouldn’t have to give over child care to people she doesn’t trust. Would you really handover your child to someone that you do not trust if they were at a daycare? Just because somebody’s family doesn’t make them trustworthy. Op has stated they would ignore routines and safety by taking the child to unknown houses.

Kids do pick up on tensions, and In cases like these, they end up learning that MUM isn’t a safe decision maker and is a doormat to send them places she doesn’t want. They learn that inlaws are the ultimate authority for rules. Surely this isn’t what you’d advise?

As far as all the comments of “they raised your husband”, yes, they raised him into a man who bows down to mummy and family at the expense of his wife and child. Those are not admirable qualities.

Re chemo, it’s actually quite unsafe for both your child AND mil to be around each other while she’s having treatment

Unsafe?
My daughter lived with her two children up until the end.
Nobody ever suggested it was unsafe.

I think the point, MissAdventure, is that the MILs condition is serious when it is being used to cut her out of the house move decision, then shes fine when it comes to cutting her out of decisions about her childs childcare!

Yes, it does sound as if she is swaying things to suit her own ends, I'm just correcting some misconceptions.

I'm sure maternityleave will be able to sort out arrangements to keep everyone happy (ish!)

I don't envy her trying to negotiate it all though!

Were they small babies bringing home constant germs?

I was an adult without kids and didn’t work with children and I was still not allowed to visit my grandmother during chemo in case I brought germs.

Different chemos are unsafe for babies to be around as well.

I’m sorry about your daughter. We all have different experiences and rules given by medical professionals

No, they were school age children, no doubt fetching home even more.

Probably as many germs as the people at the hospital where we were at least twice a week, in waiting rooms, the cafe, etc.