Gransnet forums


.. to wonder what happened to manners?

(119 Posts)
Paperbackwriter Wed 07-Aug-19 12:54:40

I was in our local M&S food store this morning and had stopped to glance at the headlines of papers I don't normally read (as you do..). A bunch of children came crashing through, talking and looking at something on a phone. I moved a little, and, as they seemed oblivious to me - one had already crashing into my bag - said (quietly), "be careful" as they bundled past. A woman with them then breezed past saying, "We're just trying to get to the door. It's you who's in the way." I was nowhere near the damn door) I thought, whatever happened to good manners? A brief, "sorry" would have been covered it. And what message is she teaching those children? I now hate myself for sounding so sodding fogey-ish. I wish I'd had something acidly apposite to say at the time - she sounded so rude and entitled.

Gonegirl Wed 07-Aug-19 12:56:41

You would have thought a "sorry" would have come naturally to her. This generation are different to how we were/are.

aggie Wed 07-Aug-19 13:02:21

My Family are known to giggle when someone walks into me because it is an automatic response to say "sorry" when it is not even my fault !

Minniemoo Wed 07-Aug-19 13:02:54

Sounds like a very ignorant teacher. Not surprised it's niggling at you. It would me as well.

felice Wed 07-Aug-19 13:07:33

My comment is always "do you practice being rude or does it come naturally?".
By the time they figure out the question I have usually moved on.

Iam64 Wed 07-Aug-19 13:11:28

Doesn't sound like a teacher to me. Does sound like a very rude woman and children who weren't properly supervised , whoever she was

Minniemoo Wed 07-Aug-19 13:15:25

It was possibly one of the Mum's 'helping' out.

EllanVannin Wed 07-Aug-19 13:21:37

I'd have given her " one of my withering looks " instead. It's worked in the past when schoolchildren have hustled me to get on the bus, then a " sorry " comes forthwith.

maddyone Wed 07-Aug-19 13:28:00

Aggie, that made me laugh, you are obviously very British.

I’m another who thinks the woman wasn’t a teacher, whoever she was, she was as rude as the children.

Sarahmob Wed 07-Aug-19 13:57:33

Why assume it’s a teacher? Surely they’re on holiday from school!

Paperbackwriter Wed 07-Aug-19 14:11:20

Er.. I didn't say she was a teacher! Only that she was teaching her children rotten manners. I wish her joy of them when they're teenagers and still as utterly graceless as she was.

Paperbackwriter Wed 07-Aug-19 14:12:42

EllanVannin Oh she got a withering look all right - unfortunately she hadn't spoken till she'd swished past me so the look was wasted!

Minniemoo Wed 07-Aug-19 14:14:15

Gosh, Paperbackwriter! Of course she wasn't a teacher. How interesting that many of us assumed she was.

Minniemoo Wed 07-Aug-19 14:16:59

Or I should correct myself and say that it was ME that thought she was a teacher. Apologies!

So she's just a rude woman who is looking after rude children

Glammy57 Wed 07-Aug-19 14:21:45

aggie. I am the same - always apologise when someone bumps into me! If I could bring one thing back from extinction it would be good manners.

SparklyGrandma Wed 07-Aug-19 14:27:14

Withering look I agree with as an expression EllaVannin

Or apologise yourself which is very British..

GoodMama Wed 07-Aug-19 14:27:51

What an unpleasant encounter. Unfortunately rude people come in all ages.

Sara65 Wed 07-Aug-19 14:38:11


I’m the same, somebody crashes into me, and I say, oh, I’m so sorry

Gaunt47 Wed 07-Aug-19 14:59:28

I do something similar when someone barges by or if I stand aside and they don't thank me. I act as though they had said thank you, and sing out cheerily "oh you're welcome".

Bathsheba Fri 09-Aug-19 08:48:04

As I was about to enter the toilets at Morrisons once, someone was about to exit, so I stood back to let her through first, only to be rewarded with a scowl and a muttered "oh for *&[email protected]'s sake".

I challenged her, and it turned out that I'd stood in the wrong place - apparently I should have stood to the other side so she didn't have to go to the trouble of walking round me to leave the store confused. She got a very loud and scathing dressing down from me, which left several nearby customers laughing at her - very satisfying grin

Teetime Fri 09-Aug-19 09:09:53

I saw a woman picking her feet in M & S café and decided then that was it all manners gone.

RosieLeah Fri 09-Aug-19 09:10:51

Sadly, this sort of behaviour has become the norm these days. These children are the future of our country. Doesn't bode well, does it?

TerriBull Fri 09-Aug-19 09:52:22

Sorry for your experience Paperback. I remember, again in Marks and Spencers, holding the door open for a woman (very young) with a pushchair, she breezed past without any acknowledgement, I said "thank you is the word you are searching for" her riposte "I don't have to thank you" me "I don't have to hold the door open for you!" shock Took my breath away, when I was loaded up with pushchairs/prams etc. I really appreciated anyone who offered such a gesture. However, I would add she isn't the norm., everyone else I've done that has been very gracious, which is good because the world is a better place with manners imo.

TerriBull Fri 09-Aug-19 09:53:49

correction I've done that for.

rockgran Fri 09-Aug-19 10:34:07

If someone fails to say "Thank you" or "Sorry", I say loudly
"Don't mention it... oh you didn't!" Makes me feel better anyway.

clareken Fri 09-Aug-19 10:36:52

I once stepped backwards, was bumped into, and apologised. Later found out that he had picked my pocket. Purse, keys and train tickets to get the family home. At least I was polite!

jaylucy Fri 09-Aug-19 10:37:49

My brother regularly, when someone has let go a shop door in his face, apologises loudly. Sometimes gets a response, but not always!
I have on occasion, when a group of people tried to barge past without an "excuse me" stepped back even further in their way and said "Pardon ?"

Missfoodlove Fri 09-Aug-19 10:41:09

I recently sent my niece £350. Not a single text, email or thank you letter. She is nearly 17 and I believe that there is no excuse.
It is the last present she will ever receive from me. I recently sent my niece £350.
Not a single text, email or thank you.
It is the last gift she will ever receive from me.

Hazeld Fri 09-Aug-19 10:41:24

Felice. I must remember that to say next time it happens as it most definitely will before long. I often think of something long after they have gone. Too late then. But I love your comment. I dread to think how things will turn out in the future with no manners, morals or conscience which is definitely the way things are going.

RosieLeah Fri 09-Aug-19 10:45:07

I believe this is called 'free expression'...allowing children to behave in whatever way comes naturally, without parameters. It certainly reflects badly on human nature.

Willow10 Fri 09-Aug-19 10:46:58

I honestly don't think please and thank you are taught to children any more. I had a picnic with adult grandaughter and her two children yesterday. I produced a packet of bisuits, passed them around and not one of them said thank you. I deliberately said thank you to each as they took one, but got no response whatsoever! Instead of saying anything, I actually felt like maybe it was me being an old fuddy duddy to expect it! confused

Grandelly54 Fri 09-Aug-19 10:48:02

The trouble is young people don't see us, we are completely invisible (unless they want something from us). We are blamed for everything from global warming to Brexit! Manners, well they don't exist in the world. I was in Cambridge at the weekend (folk festival), just had a knee replacement, walking sticks, got up to get off the bus, two young tourists got on, looked at me like I should get out of their way, bus Driver did nothing (I expect he thought he couldn't offend them by asking them to get off to allow me to get off). It's a mad world.

Gingergirl Fri 09-Aug-19 10:54:38

Whether you were in the doorway or not is irrelevant. ‘Excuse me please’ would be a well mannered, respectful way of talking to you rather than barging past and is what the teacher should be expecting from the pupils. It’s nothing to do with age, generations, or anything else. Just pure decency. I’m afraid, I think that some parents perceive that they don’t have the time to teach this, to their children...and sadly don’t think it’s that important for themselves either, so the kids can’t learn through example. I’m so pleased I bothered to bring my children up to be respectful and polite and even if they had done nothing else with their lives, I am proud of them for that.

DaisyL Fri 09-Aug-19 10:56:20

One step-grandchild is 16 today - when I asked her if she would like something that she wanted badly as a present she said 'OK Yeah'. I explained at the time this wasn't the answer I was expecting. I then sent her a text saying that a gift voucher would be on its way shortly and her response was 'Fine'. I have now sent the gift voucher with a letter explaining to her why manners are important, She will find it much easier to get a job if she says please and thank you, smiles and apologises when she is wrong. All the qualifications in the world won't get you a good job if you have terrible manners (unless you intend to be a research scientist working in isolation). I feel a bit harsh, but her mother doesn't tell her as she thinks that it will make her children hate her! Article in the Daily Mail yesterday about parents who believe it is wrong to say 'no' to their children! What lovely adults they're going to turn into!

SheenaF Fri 09-Aug-19 10:56:33

Let it go - it’s obviously nagging at you - don’t let it. There must be many times when you haven’t been disappointed with a stranger’s manners

RosieLeah Fri 09-Aug-19 11:01:48 have mentioned something there which people seem to forget...bad manners might affect a child's ability to get work. No matter how well-qualified you are, if you're ill-mannered and have no respect, you might not get that job you studied so hard for.

Mauriherb Fri 09-Aug-19 11:02:48

I get annoyed when I'm treated like a doorman. Go through a door and hold it open for the person behind but they just walk through leaving me holding the door. I just say "you're welcome " very loudly

Rowantree Fri 09-Aug-19 11:03:19

Thoughtfulness costs nothing. I prefer to call it that rather than 'manners' which sounds more Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells! But call it what you will - we brought our daughters up to be thoughtful and considerate and they are, as far as I can see. That means 'do as you would be done by' too, and as a family that's what we're trying to teach the grandchildren.

However...I have to confess that I've not always been considerate. It took DD1 to point it out. Depression and anxiety meant I had a short fuse and was pretty grumpy which of course has an effect on other people.
Now recovered, I make an effort to curb any grumps, smile and think of other people who have just as much right to 'be there' as I do (for example). Sorry, badly put, but you know what I mean!
Result: you find yourself chatting to people, seeing smiles, having thanks or help reciprocated, and it makes everyone feel better. Just pay it forward, as they say. Or try to do so. Life's too short not to.

vivonce Fri 09-Aug-19 11:05:20

Rockgran, I usually say loudly 'You're welcome' , which leaves them nonplussed. But I think yours is better!

Rowantree Fri 09-Aug-19 11:07:43

Children also need to learn that 'no' isn't the end of the world and they can cope with the disappointment. They learn resilience and patience that way.

Rowantree Fri 09-Aug-19 11:09:21

Rockgran Love that - I think I'll use it myself!

olliebeak Fri 09-Aug-19 11:11:42

EllanVannin - I'm another who has perfected the withering look ...................... learned from my Mum. I've sent 'out-of-control kids in supermarkets' scurrying back to their totally oblivious mummies with just one look, on more than one occasion!

WOODMOUSE49 Fri 09-Aug-19 11:12:32

It sounds more like a parent with lots of children than a teacher with a group of children.

Unfortunately, each generation has ill mannered people as your thread points out. Both children and adults had no manners in your case. Every generation does get worse because those children will know no better and go onto have children of their own! Help! ,

I know from working and visiting primary schools in Derbyshire and Nottinghamshire, teachers and other staff work hard to teach respect and manners and remind children. When I listen to some of the parents outside I see why their children have no manners etc.

Some have said it but a witty cutting remark hits home with adults and a follow up Thank you to children makes them look up. Sometimes!

granjan Fri 09-Aug-19 11:12:55

Out with my grandchildren last week, the youngest aged just 8 held the door open several times for strangers to sail through without one thank you. Makes me so angry.

mamaa Fri 09-Aug-19 11:13:12

Both my grandchildren ( aged 9 and 3 ) have been brought up to use please and thank-you appropriately. If they forget then the item they are hoping for/receiving is withheld until they remember, which is almost instantly, can't think why!
When I was working (now retired) as a Deputy Head of a large primary school, the children (in the main) were very well mannered at school because it was expected- the same children sometimes spoke very differently to their mum/dad/family member, and were very rarely chastised regarding it- and a few times I had to interject and remind the children concerned about manners and how we show respect to others...expectation has a lot to do with it.

grandMattie Fri 09-Aug-19 11:13:50

I had the exact opposite experience yesterday. I was coming home from Bristol and realised I had lost my train ticekts. I did, however have the receipt. Uncharacteristically in floods of tears, I went to the ticket counter and incoherently explained my predicament. I was met with kindness and courtesy; given a travel pass, a free bottle of water and LOADS of lovely kind words. Thanks you Bristol Railway Station!

WOODMOUSE49 Fri 09-Aug-19 11:19:14

Thank you grandMattie. We need to hear of more happenings like this.

Perhaps we should have another thread: Thank you for good manners. thanks smile

Scottiebear Fri 09-Aug-19 11:19:31

I think, to be fair to the youth of today, they are a mixed bag. I have come across plenty of youths and young children who have impeccable manners and are lovely. But have come across plenty who are the opposite. One thing that does irritate me - there are various ads on tv where a young child runs to an adult and is handed something which the child takes and runs off without even a thank you. Not a good example.

mrsgreenfingers56 Fri 09-Aug-19 11:25:31

"Manners maketh man" my Grandma always used to tell me. One can only hope this young woman was having an off day, probably school holidays syndrome. DH and I were passing a young mum struggling to get her pushchair into the car and we helped and she was so grateful and thanked us several times so not everyone the same I am glad to say. Three little ones in the car thought highly amusing mum was struggling!

4allweknow Fri 09-Aug-19 11:26:01

I've given up on experiencing any manners when out. It's everyone for themself nowadays. Being courteous is basically ridiculed by those younger than us GNs. We have too much time on our hands that's why we bother with manners whilst the younger folk are too much in a hurry being short of time working, childcare and of course keeping in touch via mobiles, so I gave been informed by some young females. Parents are too busy to teach manners and its not the schools role to teach them either only to apply them. I do expect and instil manners in ny GC but feel I have list the battle at times even with them. Enjoyed the responses some GNs have used, will need to practise a few!!

BusterTank Fri 09-Aug-19 11:27:17

It not just the younger generation , it's the older generation too . I just think people have become so selfish and they only think of them selfs . People seemed to demand respect these days . You can't demand respect you have to earn it . My daughter works in a supermarket and the older generation speak to the staff , like there something there scraped of there shoes . I think this country needs to take a good look at itself .

grandMattie Fri 09-Aug-19 11:42:52

Hear, hear, Buster. I have an acquantance who decided that at 80 he was entitled to be as rude and obnoxious as he fancied! he is horrible!

TrendyNannie6 Fri 09-Aug-19 11:44:44

Can’t stand rude ppl. No need for it.

Annaram1 Fri 09-Aug-19 11:52:20

Some years ago I was just leaving my house and nearly bumped into my neighbour's two sons, aged about 10 and 12. "Hello," I said. They just looked at me and went on, So I ran in front of them and said loudly "I SAID HELLO!" They looked a bit scared and sheepishly said "Hello."

Gemmag Fri 09-Aug-19 11:55:55

She sounded so rude and odd remark surely!

Not all children are rude. I know a lot of young children and some not so young who have beautiful manners. My own DGC have lovely manners so please do not generalise. You should have reprimanded the children if they bumped into you.

Chucky Fri 09-Aug-19 12:00:22

Well, I brought my children up so that manners were second nature to them. My son, who still stays at home, always says thank you when he gets his dinner etc. and please if he asks for anything.

My 4 year old grandson also always says please and thank you. Funnily enough my daughter was just telling me, that at his other grandparents’ house last week, his nana asked him to go and get something without saying please. He had turned to her and said “manners nana, you should say please”. I did laugh, although despite being correct, if I had spoken to my grandparents like that I would have received a slap!

fizzers Fri 09-Aug-19 12:04:04

When someone fails to say thank you, when I (or my grandsons) hold the door open for them, I find my own age group and above to be the worst culprits

Purplepoppies Fri 09-Aug-19 12:06:33

I'm also someone who calls out bad manners, very loudly..... if I'm barged (especially as I walk with a stick) I will say 'just bash into me, its absolutely fine, don't worry about it ' or similar. 'Do you mind' often works too. At the moment my home town is MOBBED with tourists. I have tried to avoid it but I took dgd out there yesterday. I know I've had enough when I start growling at people.

oodles Fri 09-Aug-19 12:20:33

Not just the young folk, old folk too. Maybe we have less in the way of polite pleasantries, but thank heavens that we don't have the dreadful racism and sexism we used to have now that was bad manners on steroids, no blacks, no Irish, people refusing to work with Pepe of a different race, being dreadfully rude about Catholics or poor people.
Certainly being pleasant to people makes life better for all. My grandfather in-law was shockingly badmannered, to me and also to others, he sometimes used to tell anecdotes meant to amuse about things he'd done or said to people in the past, shocking some things, he said. His daughter inherited the self-centred selfish and thoughtless streak. Dreadfully ill-mannered and it made visits or visiting very unpleasant. Difficult to know what to do in such a situation as I was brought up to treat people politely but in fairness had never come across people so personally rude, supposed I was just not prepared with how to deal with people like that. But people on the outside thought him a sweet old man
I knew someone who said of manners that the best way of describing good manners was behaving in a way that didn't upset people or make them feel uncomfortable, to treat them as you'd wish to be treated
As for the manners if the youth of today it was ever thus, there are some very contemporary quotations from previous centuries here

TONKATOL Fri 09-Aug-19 12:21:18

I am reading this thread and it is making me smile. Some of the posts are realistic, others less so.

I totally disagree that manners is an age or generation problem, it is down to individuals. I am 50, have children in their mid twenties and my youngest is nearly 13. Nowadays I am in a wheelchair when out of the house.

During school holidays, it means that if my 12 year old DD and I go out, she will be pushing me in a wheelchair. Now that really does give you an eye-opener into manners. She politely says "Excuse me" if she is trying to get past people and will wait for others to come through a door before attempting to push me through. However, the number of people who totally ignore her is astounding. She is quite accepting of it, whereas I get far more wound up by the ignorance of some.

However, it is not consistent with any age group, just dependent on whether a person is paying attention to what is going on or whether they are too wrapped up in their own world to be aware of their surroundings. I have had people ask my DD if she needs any help and I have seen others, when we are waiting to view something, stand right in front of the wheelchair, so I can neither see or be moved. Either way, age does not seem to be a factor in the thoughtfulness of people.

On a different note, my 24 year old DD gets frustrated by the attitude, usually by the "elder" generation, that the younger generation are rude and lack manners. All four of my children have been brought up with manners and yet, however polite they are, people will still blame the "younger generation" for everything, when it is not the case at all.

Flakeygran Fri 09-Aug-19 12:33:20

I'm memorising Felice's brilliant response!!

EthelJ Fri 09-Aug-19 12:34:28

gonegirlI think it's very unfair to say it's generational I know some very polite younger people and some very rude older one. You get rude and polite people in all ages.

polnan Fri 09-Aug-19 12:47:32

I agree Tonkatol

any age , any generation, any circumstances, we can`t label

but I wonder if responding in an abrupt/rude manner really sets the tone....? though I can be guilty of that..

and car manners! it goes on!

granny4hugs Fri 09-Aug-19 12:52:15

Yes - and if you are having a 'fragile' day - rudeness - even though it is rarely targeted and is just the inadequacy of the person being rude - can feel personal and upsetting. I've had days when someone chucking my change on the counter rather than putting it in my outstretched hand has made me almost weepy (I'm not a weeper). I do think the best response often is to be even more polite. A friend once said to me - keep your own standards whatever else is happening.
Sometimes it doesn't work. I was once walking down the street (no one ever seems to give way to me on the pavement and I am the one who ends up dodging and swerving - I ended up shoved into a wall because three men taking up the pavement walking towards me just didn't give an inch. I asked the guy who shouldered me, where on earth he thought I was going to go if he didn't move. He looked at the wall and me as if he were looking at an alien. One of this friends apologised for him!!!

Anniel Fri 09-Aug-19 13:20:42

Last Sunday on a London bus sitting in the seats marked for those less able to stand. As I got up to leave a woman told her son, who was about 11-12 years old, to sit down. I smiled at the woman and asked if I could ask a question. She said OK so I asked her why she had told him to sit there while she and other sdults were standing. She smiled and said that he was clumsy. The said boy was happily leaning in the departure area playing on his phone. Now this habit of mother putting her child on the seats while she stands really bugs me. At least she could sit and put a small child on her knee. Mothers do not seem to do this anymore. When I was a child on tram or bus children always gave their seats up to older people. This lack of thought has lead to me having to ask politely if I can sit down when it is occupied by young people who ignore the icons about the seats being for old, pregnant women or disabled people. Consideration and manners seem to have disappeared on London Transport. I always feel good when I can help others and I always thank people who help me.

Maggiemaybe Fri 09-Aug-19 13:45:03

Really bad manners do stay with you. Years ago I saw an older lady in a till queue knock over a display. A little boy nearby immediately started to help her pick them up, and she was very grateful. Cue (rough as owt) mum stomping round the corner, shouting at him for picking them up, when he didn't drop them. He looked so bewildered.

All sorts of retorts came to mind well after the event. I wish I'd said I was glad he went to a good school, where they obviously taught him to be kind. Perhaps he had a nice grandma, who knows?

inishowen Fri 09-Aug-19 13:45:57

How about table manners? I saw a girl eating a steak in a nice restaurant while holding her phone in one hand. She speared the steak, held it aloft and began chewing the end. It put me off my meal.

Neilspurgeon0 Fri 09-Aug-19 13:48:11

Oh I love that felice very apposite

Rowantree Fri 09-Aug-19 13:57:16

grandMattie I'd see that as kindness and compassion - underrated qualities. They go along with consideration for others. Call it manners if you will, but manners implies something expected of us whereas kindness and compassion, I feel, come from within, from the heart.
We need more of all of it.

Rowantree Fri 09-Aug-19 13:59:13

Table manners don't worry me at all but I curb my Neanderthal tendencies in order not to upset others in restaurants - and give the GC a good example. It doesn't bother me though if I see others spearing their food, though I'd prefer it was a carrot and not a steak.

Tillybelle Fri 09-Aug-19 14:07:43

All my sympathy is with you!

I once dared to complain on another social media opening about a child of around 8yrs who was left to run around in the restaurant area of the pub while I was trying to eat. She was with a large group which I guessed was parents and granny and possibly aunty and uncle. They were oblivious to the fact that every time she dashed past me she jogged my little table and I had to hold my plate and glass to prevent everything being spilled on me or the floor. She was very noisy too. Eventually the gray haired person in her group told her to be careful when she went past "that lady's table" to which she said "She's only an old lady" and a discussion began among them as to whether old ladies should be ignored when out alone and that children come first.

On the other social media place I was crushed for being so "anti-child" by complaining about how children appear not to be taught to think of others.

I sometimes wonder why I am depressed. I think these changes in society have a lot to do with it.

BUT I must say, to balance this, yesterday I was in receipt of a very great kindness that still jogs tears to my eyes. Having had a terrible migraine which does affect me quite a lot, I went to Tesco to get some essentials. I found I had left the right card by my computer. I tried another one but it didn't work. I looked for my little purse so I could just buy the milk, and the purse wasn't in my bag either. The lady behind me, young, pretty and by the looks of her shopping trolly possibly a mum, immediately told the Cashier to put my milk on her bill. She said, "At least you can have a cup of tea". I was overcome. Such kindness and so gently and thoughtfully done! There are good people in the world. It's just the odd bad ones do have an impact. But when they do I must try to hold on to the fact that there are so many good people who outnumber them by a lot.

RosieLeah Fri 09-Aug-19 14:08:48

Oh dear, I have a confession to make...on the subject of table manners...I live alone now and often eat while watching tv. I eat with my fingers!

cheekychops61 Fri 09-Aug-19 14:09:58

My poor daughter is nine months pregnant and with quite a huge bump. People are quite happy to let her stand back in doorways and for her to give way to them .In the whole of her pregnancy only two people have offered her a seat, another mother at the airport and a man at her son's football club. She often says she feels invisible. Fast forward to a local NT property, as I was coming out of the cafe loaded to the gunnels with a tray full of food. I stood to give way to a mother, two children and a husband. They did thank me but at the end of the day I felt the husband could have let me though. Some thoughtless individuals out there I think.

Alexa Fri 09-Aug-19 14:18:58

MissFoodLove, I blame her parents or guardians. Good manners have to be taught, often deliberately taught. Your sixteen year old niece is probably ignorant, not her fault. She can't be expected to know if she has not been taught.

4allweknow, stranger children and youths have often offered good manners or actual assistance to me.
When I am in the park on my mobility scooter youths on bikes will ride on the grass so I don't have to keep to keep to one side and when I say thank you they tend to sheepishly grin.

Three little girls helped to get me and my scooter out of some brambles although I did n't seek help.

This not saying thanks for presents I have experienced. I don't quite understand it.

Alexa Fri 09-Aug-19 14:21:59

Cheekychops, I hope next time you will hold your ground and not give way.

Diggingdoris Fri 09-Aug-19 14:22:19

I remember being with my father when he held a door open for someone, but when there was no acknowledgement he said 'pardon?' The other person said 'I didn't say anything', to which my father said 'oh I thought you said thank you!' Glad to say the offender looked embarrassed.

loltara Fri 09-Aug-19 14:24:01

In Scotland we have a saying: 'You are either brought up or dragged up.' Clearly, they belong to the latter. There is no grey in the middle. My Grandmother always said that good manners were the passport to life.

Tillybelle Fri 09-Aug-19 14:31:49

Annaram1. Many years ago - possibly 40, I went to my older Cousin's house to deliver Christmas presents to their two children aged 8 and 10. I was a student I think. The mother said they were playing upstairs and would I like to go up and see them. They were doing something on the floor so I sat down with them and started to chat. They have known me since their birth and I had babysat them regularly since then. They completely blanked me. I could not inveigle a single word from either of them. The girl was usually so loquacious, one had trouble getting a word in. They just cast strange smiles and looks at each other as if very pleased about something. I was extremely disconcerted. Eventually I actually asked why they were not speaking to me, it was most unlike them. Still no reply but these satisfied smiles at each other. So I put their presents beside them and went away. They did not say thank you, not then or after Christmas. That was the last Christmas I gave them anything.

Both grew up to be very unpleasant adults, one very selfish indeed to a pathological level the other with many problems and difficulties including getting on the wrong side of the law. Their parents, as far as I can tell, were just normal. Why were their children like this? I have no clear idea.

But it would make an interesting thread: aberrant children of decent parents, how many have you known? I have met another family the same and heard of others from my friends.

Evie64 Fri 09-Aug-19 14:35:43

Have to say, we moved down here to Exeter in Devon 8 years ago. It seems to me that people down here are far more polite than they were in London. Don't think I've ever held the door and not got an acknowledgement, even if it's just a smile. Or am I just lucky? We don't live in the centre of town, just on the outskirts so perhaps it's better in small communities?

Evie64 Fri 09-Aug-19 14:36:52

Would like to add, I've noticed that when I get the bus to town, everybody who gets off thanks the driver. How sweet is that!

Tillybelle Fri 09-Aug-19 14:46:15

Evie64. I find a great difference in Nottingham having worked in London. I think people in London are just so crowded and rushed and there are so many strangers that they do not feel an identity with their community any more. There is a kind of anxiety and rush to get what you need and get home in London. Everything is so difficult, getting from A to B is fraught with obstacles, people feel threatened.

Here it's a smaller city with a wonderful character, people from every corner of the globe and every Carnival, Fair, or Celebration happens with joy, making it such a colourful and well-integrated place. Even driving is easier here than in the area around London. People are more courteous and thoughtful. I chose to live here because of the people.

Esspee Fri 09-Aug-19 14:53:56

Evie64. Here in Glasgow all the locals thank the driver when leaving the bus. That's my definition of a Glaswegian.

TwiceAsNice Fri 09-Aug-19 14:59:20

When I catch the bus to my nearest town we all say thank you to the driver when we get off including me

grannyticktock Fri 09-Aug-19 15:03:56

I live in rural Devon and I always thank the bus driver, as do most other passengers, why wouldn't you?
Some children are bad mannered, but I often see thoughtfulness and good manners from local children and holidaymakers. They'll stand back or go into single file to let me pass on a narrow pavement, and perhaps pull a younger child or a dog out of my path. And of course I always smile and thank them - if we don't thank children but behave as if we expect to be deferred to, they're not going to learn manners.

And while the boot is on the other foot, as it were, I sometimes see adults in a shop queue ignoring children in front of them, who are not with an adult but are queuing to pay and having trouble being seen over the counter. It's not just older people who sometimes feel invisible.

Rosina Fri 09-Aug-19 15:07:07

We all thank the bus driver here, too! However, I do think people are not as polite as they once were. I have had doors let go in my face, people barging into me, and stood like a lemon holding a door for someone who swept past without a glance. I might add I even stepped off the pavement for the local vicar, as I was walking my dog and he was laden with shopping bags and, standing in the gutter as I was, he swept past without a glance. I have actually called after a person 'Think nothing of it - oh, clearly you don't!' when I held a shop door back for them, but that sailed straight over their head as well. Obviously far too important a person, and probably just saw me as a doorstop.

Parklife1 Fri 09-Aug-19 15:33:04

I think (some) people are so focused on themselves, they fail to be aware of what’s around them. Children on scooters in supermarkets, people blocking aisles and shelves with their trolleys, people blocking the entrances having a chat, stopping in doorways so you can’t pass.

If you politely say ‘Excuse me’ you get a surprised look or a tut. I don’t understand why people are so unaware of their surroundings.

Growing0ldDisgracefully Fri 09-Aug-19 16:22:23

I've had examples of opposite ends of the manners subject today: my weekly swim in the area set aside for Lane swimming and for slow swimmers, made a misery by 2 or 3 ill mannered brats jumping in despite other swimmers(me!) already in the place they were intending to leap in. They were with an adult who only once told them to 'look out for the lady'. Similar disinterest from the pool attendant. Withering looks from ne for all of them, though I'm not sure how effective that is when youre in a state of sodden undress! Then the opposite when I was later in the newsagent attempting to scan in one of those code box thingies to get a parcel label printed out to return a faulty item for my son. I just couldn't get it to work (Luddite ....) and a really helpful young chap came and sorted it out for me. Of course I thanked him for his much appreciated help and received a great smile in return. Just goes to show the world is a mixed bag of characters.

Nanny41 Fri 09-Aug-19 16:43:16

In this country where I live I dont think they were ever taught maners, one gets doors closed in front of one, or someone steps in front of you, or after wating for a bus the people just arrived get onto the bus first,its the norm here so I expect we have all learnt to accept it,is sad really.

elizasnan Fri 09-Aug-19 16:53:34

I got on a bus in London and a youngster about 10 or 11 years of age stood up and offered me his seat. I thought that was absolutely wonderful and hope he goes far in life, however years before in Brighton 8 1/2 months pregnant got on a bus and had to stand all the way into town. Not one person offered me a seat but it was amusing to see them all looking out of the windows pretending not to have seen me. If I hold a door for someone and no thank you is forthcoming I call out 'did you get a refund'. If they ask me what for I suggest from the college of good manners

Daffydilly Fri 09-Aug-19 17:34:34

A few years ago I was stood with my wheelchair bound mum, waiting for the lift in Marks and Spencer. Four giggling schoolgirls squeezed around us and into the lift as the doors opened, they had the button pressed and the doors were closing before I could gather my wits. I was speechless. They didn't even need the lift.

GrannyAnnie2010 Fri 09-Aug-19 17:47:22

There was a period of time when I'd printed onto cards 'Good Manners' and carry them around with me. If, anyone didn't say thank you when they should have, I'd give them a card and say, " Here, I think you dropped this." They'd look at it and reply, "Nah, not mine" to which my acidic response would be, "Thought not - you don't have any, do you!".

Got too old, now.

arosebyanyothername Fri 09-Aug-19 18:23:35

Our own children were taught manners and to respect their elders (old fashioned these days I know),

Our GC are also being brought up to be polite and respectful. I’m not saying they’re perfect all the time!
Manners are taught and adults, especially parents should be setting an example.

Tweedle24 Fri 09-Aug-19 19:08:02

I saw a shining example of both ends of the manners spectrum the other day.

My sister and I were in a Pizza Hut. At the table beside us (in one of those round booths) was a woman with three children aged up to about maybe eight years. While she spent the whole meal reading her phone and texting, the three children ran amok around the restaurant playing with the salad bar and the ice cream machine. They then started tossing bits of lettuce at our table. I used ‘the look’ and they stopped that. The manager said later that they had taken and tipped out a bottle of the cordial waiting to go into the dispenser.

At another table was another young woman with three children ranging from one in a high chair, one about five and an older boy about twelve. There was hardly a sound from their table as they ate their meal. At one point, the mother went with the middle one to the salad bar leaving the older boy with the baby who was having a fine time picking the vegetables off her pizza and laying them on her table. When she attempted to tip the plate up, her brother just put his finger up and shook his head. She stopped but, with a cheeky grin. We congratulated the mother on her delightful family and she said she has to teach them manners or she would not feel comfortable bringing them out.

ginny Fri 09-Aug-19 19:23:48

I still find most people pleasant and polite and certainly my children and Grand children are expected to have good manners. Bad manners do cross all age groups.
Was thinking today that there may be little hope for us ‘commoners ‘ if our royal family can’t manage to stop their children sticking their tongue out at people and seemingly finding it hilarious.

Peonyrose Fri 09-Aug-19 19:57:07

I was taught, Manners maketh the man. I am always polite but am frequently surprised how some people do not say please or thankyou, but stare at their phones when talking to you. It only takes a minute to be courteous and it makes such a difference, a few kind words. If and when I get the bus though, the majority of people thank the driver.

Maggiemaybe Fri 09-Aug-19 20:22:01

I do remember once having a meal out with the whole family, and feeling so proud when the ladies at a nearby table came over to congratulate us on how beautifully behaved my DGC had been. Just as the one year old picked up a fork and launched it at me, neatly skimming it past my ear.

Jaxie Fri 09-Aug-19 20:39:54

I'm afraid many children are being brought up to think that they come first in any social situation. I'm amazed how they walk in front of me when I'm obviously an old lady hobbling with a gammy leg; how they stand in shop entrances and impede access. Last week I was making my way down a narrow path, obviously with difficulty, when a young male runner ran straight for me and I had to side step to avoid a collision. When I remonstrated with him he ignored me completely. Do Gransnetters think that were I a busty young blonde rather than a crone he would have treated me the same?

Aepgirl Fri 09-Aug-19 21:11:36

My mother used to say ‘sorry if I’m Invisible’

Rene72 Fri 09-Aug-19 21:53:13

I’m the same with the withering look, I haste bad manners. If I open a shop door and hold it open for someone else... and they don’t say ‘thank you’ I say it for them..... VERY LOUDLY!!!

BBbevan Fri 09-Aug-19 22:08:34

In M&S this morning it was just our turn at the till. The assistant at the next till got up, leaned right across me and grabbed a handful of carrier bags from beside our till. Not a word was said. He then sat back down. Our assistant looked startled but said nothing. The other assistant was an older man.