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(46 Posts)
Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:34:01

Can anyone clarify to me what constitutes "Nagging"
My DH and myself have barely spoken today because he accused me of this.
It seems to me that anytime I want to talk about something he doesnt want to address then im a Nag.
In my view its lack of communication which causes the break down of a marriage and I would rather get things out and discuss them rather than let it fester.
I dont think talking over problems is Nagging. Or am I being unreasonable ?

Smileless2012 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:44:16

No, you're not being unreasonable Diane and I agree that a lack of communication causes problems in marriage and countless other relationships.

IMO what constitutes nagging is for example repeatedly asking for something to be done. Now, if I ask Mr. S. over and over again to do something in the house he'll accuse me of nagging, so I always point out to him that if he did it the first time I asked, I wouldn't need to naggrin.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 16:09:35

Any one who accuses another of nagging is guilty of passive aggression. The word is a perjorative and has sexist connotations.

Generally 'nagging' is used when someone is being encouraged to do something they do not want to do, even though they know their inaction is causing someone else inconvenience and distres or may be dangerous to themselves

How many women have 'nagged' (ie spoken to) their partners about medical concerns many times, before, when the situation gets critical said partner finally sees their GP and discovers that if they hadn't left it so long the treatment/prognosis would not be as serious as it turns out to be. Said with feeling.

Jane10 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:32:12

Some people like to 'have it out'. Others really can't stand such confrontational approaches. That's not nagging though. It's just a different style of thinking. I think trying to force your DH to talk will have the oposite effect on him. I think you'll have to work a bit smarter on this!

quizqueen Wed 14-Aug-19 16:33:34

Only women nag, apparently. I think it's because the majority of men are bloody useless and nagging reminds them of that!!!!

Fennel Wed 14-Aug-19 16:40:17

I bet you're not as bad as Al Read's wife grin-

Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:51:35

Seriously. Im at the end of my rope. Dreading the Winter months and dark nights when we will be in the house more.
DH cant ever "see the point" in doing anything (and no he isnt depressed unless it has lasted 8 years which is the time weve been together)
If I plan anything, it isnt his type of thing but then he never suggests anything else.
Last night a song was playing on TV which I have always considered "Our song" I mentiond this and he just pulled a face and said he doesnt like it.
We have no friends because we never go out to meet anyone.
Sorry for rambling on. Im just having a very bad day.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:09:55

Well, with all the jobs that the above men will not do, in these days of gender equality, instead of nagging why do their other halves not
simply pick up the tools (or whatever is needed) and get on and do what is required themselves. 🤔

Looks like just another Misandry thread to me.

Pantglas1 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:15:52

I think in any marriage jobs are pretty much divided up into whoever does them best and hopefully it’s a fairly even split. I think a simple request from one or t’other for something to be done within a reasonable time can’t be deemed nagging and nor can a reminder in case it’s slipped someone’s mind.

Surely gender doesn’t enter the equation?

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:21:09

Pantglas1, it becomes a gender issue when only men are accused of not carrying out their share of the domestic tasks in the home.

Of course, the males being accused in this thread are not on the forum to state their side on any situation described.

GrannyGravy13 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:21:36

Mr.Gravy only accused me of "nagging him" once very early in our relationship, so I stopped reminding him of the event.........consequently he missed it!!!

Pantglas1 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:25:15

Agreed Grandad1943 which is why I made my post so neutral!

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 17:25:22

Diane227 Excuse me asking, If he has been as you describe the whole time you have been together, why did you get together with him in the first place?

Witzend Wed 14-Aug-19 17:31:54

That's all very well, Grandad, but the trouble is that some men still expect their wives/partners to do all the traditional 'wife-work' - cooking, cleaning, food shopping, laundry, remembering all the birthdays (inc. his family's birthdays), etc. - but need endless asking/reminding to do any traditional bloke-work jobs.
They want it both ways. And if the woman says, 'Well, if you're not going to do it, I'll get a Man in,' they grump about the cost and say they'll 'get around to it' - but still don't get cracking.

I'm glad to say that neither my dh nor my son in law is remotely like this, but I've heard of several who are.

suziewoozie Wed 14-Aug-19 17:36:07

Diane this sounds so sad. If you want to stay with him, then you really have two choices - accept that this is how it is and bury yourself in a book or the TV or sort out some activities for yourself - a book club, a walking group, a scrabble club, U3A, voluntary work. None of your issues really seem to be about nagging as such - and I agree with most of the comments above. Nagging is a nasty little sexist word used by selfish men- children to put down women and avoid their grown up responsibilities in a relationship and as human beings.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 17:56:05

Witzend, in response to your [email protected]:31 today, no doubt that in households were the work is distributed along "traditional lines" then there are times when the male in the home no doubt has to constantly remind the woman of what needs doing on her side.

However, I believe that work in the vast majority of homes is evenly distributed in these times with very little "his and her work.

As an example to the above, my wife and I both work in the Business carrying out near equal hours. Two weekends back I did a top to bottom clean of one of the bathrooms, while Carol my wife did all the hovering and dusting etc. As my job took longer than hers, when I came down my wife was out in the front garden mowing the lawn.

She does not use the petrol mower, but we have not long purchased a second battery-powered mower that she seems to love using.

I then went on to prepare and cook lunch.

Shared working.

paddyann Wed 14-Aug-19 18:06:22

We have a 1950's marriage ,I look after the house,children ,shopping cooking etc etc .he does all the decorating the garden .the car and the financial stuff.I've semi retired and he's still working full time.I'm quite happy with things as they are .I dont like anyone in the kitchen when I'm cooking and as I'm a bit OCD I like beds made my way and things put away as I would do it.
I dont nag ,ever, never have .My husband tells people that he has never been nagged in 44 years by me,but that our daughter made up for it as soon as she could talk .I think nagging is a waste of energy ,I am very laid back about almost everything though .

Fennel Wed 14-Aug-19 18:07:58

Dianne sorry if I was flippant in my previous post.
When a couple have been married for many years and stop work, we're thrown together 24/7 and it's not easy.
We have to work out ways to get away from eachother some of the time. Husband has his own office (man cave) and I go out. As long as my old legs will take me, the local bus service is excellent.

Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 18:56:27

Thanks all for your comments. The issue wasnt about jobs that needed doing or division of work. It was something completely different. Me suggesting he laid off the beer for a bit !
If we were younger I think the outcome would be to split up but at our age I dont think we want another upheavel. I do read, walk the dogs see family but I was looking for a happy ever after with my DH. I suppose you cant have everything. X

kathsue Wed 14-Aug-19 19:06:04

Dianne You sound very low. I think you need some flowers and wine.

If your husband doesn't want to go out and do anything maybe you could do something by yourself. Joining a group for knitting, or whatever interests you, would help you find some friends.

If things are really bad you could try counselling or Relate.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 19:18:05

Grandad 'nagging' is not limited to domestic chores, even though it occurs mainly in relationships.

As Grannygravy points out, when she was accuse of 'nagging' she was reminding someone of an engagement and I am sure I am not the only one accused of 'nagging' over medical concerns.

Essentially the word is used by someone who is being reminded of something they haven't done that they feel defensive about, because they know they should have done it - and that covers a very wide field.

CanadianGran Wed 14-Aug-19 19:20:40

Hi Diane,
from your posts above I've gathered he drinks too much, doesn't want to do anything but sit around and watch TV, pulls faces and complains you're nagging any time you ask for something.
Sounds like you need a serious talk with him. Don't say it's too late to change. You don't sound happy at all, and that's no way to spend your time.

Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 19:57:47

Thankyou everyone. No im not happy at the moment. I agree that I need to do something about it.
I used to go out with three friends before I met DH. They were all divorced like me. So when I met DH there were some nasty comments about how I couldnt live without a man etc etc. I think they didnt want another husband and couldnt see why I would. On our wedding day one even bitched to another person who told me about it. So I dropped them.
I tried Yoga and swimming but babysitting for GC took over for a while but I could now go back. I need to get a grip and make the effort.
Im sure a nights sleep and things will look better in the morning.
I was just so angry and upset earlier.
There are a lot of people worse off.
Have a good evening everyone. X

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 20:08:07

M0nica, in regard to your post @ 19:18 today, to remind a partner of an appointment is not nagging. If my wife Carol reminds me of something I have committed a set time for, and I show no sign of moving as the time approaches, she will remind me again.

The above is not "nagging, it is communication by way of reminder.

By token, only today I reminded her in the office at around 3 pm that she had stated that she wished to finish work around that time as Carol had a heavy shop she wished to do. As they were very busy in the accounts section where Carol works, it was decided I would go off and do that shop as my work for the day had tailed off.

The above is communication and in no way would be considered " nagging by either of us.

It would seem in Diane's circumstances that other factors such as her husbands drinking may be the main underlying factor in the deterioration of their relationship. Should that be the case then only talking and communication solely around that issue will resolve it I feel.

If his situation is alcoholism then that is a psychological and physical illness in as much as any other illness, and that will affect his relationships with all others if not treated.

Seeking professional help is the only way forward in such circumstances, and if Diane's husband will not seek that himself then perhaps Diane you should seek advice from such professionals yourself to forward the situation.

There is plenty of well qualified and experienced help out there who I am sure will aid the situation for both your husband and yourself Diane.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 20:29:53

Grandad, it is not what you do but the way the other person takes it. You obviously have a close and understanding relationship with your wife on this matter.

How would either of you react if one was concerned about a medical matter the person experiencing it thought trivial or wassn't prepared to admit to having and the other considered should be seen by a doctor? The one with the problem might not accuse the other of nagging, but would certainly use words with a similar meaning.

GillT57 Wed 14-Aug-19 20:45:09

I think you perhaps need to accept that you are living some kind of parrallel life with neither of you wishing to spend time with the other. If he doesn't want to go anywhere with you and describes suggestions of doing so as nagging(horrid word) then you need to go out and make your own social life. There is lots out there and you don't have to just sit resentfully wishing your life away. If you are invited anywhere as a couple, tell him about the invitation once only. If he moans and grumbles, don't tell him again, accept the invitation but tell the hosts that your husband won't be there because he is a miserable old git. Then when the evening or afternoon arrives, go out tell him you did not remind him as you don't want to nag. Put on your coat pick up your car keys and get on with your life.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 20:52:41

In regard to your post @ 20:29 today, like many men I hate attending the Doctors. However, my wife and I have been married now for nearly fifty-one years and so know each others ways and normal personality very well.

In the above, if my wife noticed that I was not acting in my normal manner, by example being rather quiet or such, then I am sure she would soon be enquiring as to what the problem was.

If I told her it was some medical symptoms knowing my wife as I do, she would be telling me to "get over the Doctors" before the last words left my mouth.

In the above circumstances, I would attend the Doctors however much I would hate going, for that would be to save her the distress of worrying about me.

I believe the same would be in the vast majority of long-lasting marriages/partnerships, for it is the concern of one for the other that makes for a lasting relationship.

Diane227 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:03:31

Gill T57
You are so right. I will take your advice. Thankyou.

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 21:15:36

Grandad you are a paragon. We have been married a bit longer than you and I and DD have been encouraging DH to take a minor problem to the doctor for 10 years, would he? of course not. Recently, a rather worrying incident finally drove him there. He has nothing dangerous, fatal or disabling but he has been told not to drive until the condition is under control and he will probably not be driving for three months and that is really inconvenient for him, as two of his outside interests are some distance from home and not accessible by public transport. If he had only gone to the doctor when we first mentioned it.

phoenix Wed 14-Aug-19 21:24:17

Grandad1943 you seem obsessed with "misandry" in that you are able to see it everywhere!

Almost all threads that you comment on, it is what you bring up.

BradfordLass72 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:27:24

Oh, for goodness sake, Grandad1943 stop nagging !!

BradfordLass72 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:33:40

In the above circumstances, I would attend the Doctors however much I would hate going, for that would be to save her the distress of worrying about me.

But it didn't occur to you to go before she noticed your very obvious quietness, and thus save her the worry???

And have you ever wondered why men ( though not all men, I can assure you) hate going to the doctor? What's the worst they can do to you - tell you the truth?

As my sons would say, 'man up'.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 21:46:48

Phoenix Quote [ Grandad1943 you seem obsessed with "misandry" in that you are able to see it everywhere!

Almost all threads that you comment on, it is what you bring up. ]End Quote.

Phoenix, yes there is undoubtedly much Misandry on this forum, just look at the post by Bradford Lass above.

However if you check back , I have not spoken on it since the thread you began where you spoke in totally disparaging terms (as you so often have) in regard to your husband even on Christmas day on that occasion.

phoenix Wed 14-Aug-19 21:52:34

You really have a problem if you keep records regarding who said what and when!

I have better things to do than "check back" on previous posts, and the fact that you seem able to refer back to a post I made on Christmas day says a lot about you!

M0nica Wed 14-Aug-19 21:53:28

I do not think nagging is particular to either sex, it is just that the word nagging and all its implications is generally used by men when complaining about something a woman is saying.

I think, in general terms, when a man is nagging a woman, both use different words to describe it.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 22:05:38

Phoenix Quote[ You really have a problem if you keep records regarding who said what and when!]

Phoenix, I do not keep records, therefore I "do not have a problem" of any kind.

However, I have always possessed an exceptional memory many have said, and that post of yours on that Christmas Day has remained within it.

Apologies if that upsets you.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 22:16:41

M0nica, regarding your post @ 21:52 today, I would one hundred percent agree that the word "nagging" is used by "some" men in regard to their wives/partners actions.

However, to counterbalance that I believe that the word "beef" of "having a beef" is often used by women when describing their husbands/partners actions in repeatedly reminding them.

Both terms I have to say I dislike.

absent Wed 14-Aug-19 22:33:04

Nagging is when you ask someone to repair the broken catch on the wardrobe and then repeat the request only five years later.

Maggiemaybe Wed 14-Aug-19 22:36:52

Having a beef? Is that a common expression? It's not one I've ever heard of, let alone used.

Grandad1943 Wed 14-Aug-19 23:07:18

Maggiemaybe Quote [ Having a beef? Is that a common expression? It's not one I've ever heard of, let alone used.] End Quote.

Maggiemaybe, "having a beef" is quite a common expression certainly here in the West Country.

It is not uncommon to hear a women state in broad Britolian "ahh, e wer aving a rite beef about dat." 😂

Smileless2012 Thu 15-Aug-19 09:23:09

Grandad I liked your post of 20.52 yesterdaysmileit's just how Mr. S. and are.

Poor Mr. S. has an ongoing health issue which has been on going for several years. He first sought medical advice because it was me who realised all was not as it should be, and if not for me in all probability wouldn't have looked into it at the time.

M0nica Thu 15-Aug-19 16:05:14

Grandad'beef' not a word I like either. I have had to think hard to think what phrase I use, 'remind' is the one that comes most to mind - which is, of course, what I am doing.

phoenix Thu 15-Aug-19 19:58:34

Grandad1943 your comments don't "upset" me at all, more a sort of minor irritation, a bit like a tiny piece of grit in an oyster shell.

However, that bit of grit often produces a pearl. You dont.

And before you (predictably) point out that in using my analogy, it would be down to me to produce the pearl, I don't feel I have to, although other members may have their own thoughts on that.

Diane227 Thu 15-Aug-19 23:08:11

Sorry but I have to laugh.
Like most men, you have to have the last word .
Thanks for your input over the nagging issue.
DH and I have decided to split. Not so much because of the drinking which is not alcoholism by the way, but just annoying. Its due to the lack of motivation or willingness to contribute to anything which might make a difference.
He actually said today that he was tired of the same old routine. In the conversation he stated he would go for a walk with our dogs anywhere different that "you can suggest".
YEP. Me having to come up with a plan yet again because of course Im the only one who can look at a map or the internet etc .
This just about said it all.
I hereby resign from the post of entertainments manager , housekeeper and being a general MUG for someone who does not deserve me.
Grandad im so pleased that you and you DW have things sorted between you. Long may it last.
Phoenix. You are a gem in my eyes.

Diane227 Fri 16-Aug-19 08:24:40

PS. Sorry to go and on, but to anyone who might still be following this thread and I dont blame you if you are bored to tears , I want to say, that just writing on this forum really helped. Thanks gransneters.

RosieLeah Fri 16-Aug-19 10:22:41

If people did things the first time you told them, there wouldn't be any need to nag!