This day is going from bad to worse 
Just tried to drag the airer fully loaded back in as it's starting to rain. Did Gt Dane help? NO.
Why not? I hear you ask.
Because he's too busy in the front room watching half naked girls throwing themselves round on MTV accompanied by what sounds like a chorus of AK47's. Then he claims he was just changing channels looking for Euronews. A likely story. He'll give himself indigestion watching that, it won't sit well with his cuppa soup.
Now when I sit down to watch the new Midsomer Murders, the blurb tells me there was a power cut exactly half an hour before the end. In other words when Gt Dane thoughtfully unplugged the bloody telly.
Just endured a nightmare trip to Home & Bargain for toilet rolls when we nearly got wiped out by Great Dane playing the gentleman.
At a junction he gallantly waved a pretty young woman through ahead of us (if she'd been over 30 take my word for it she would have been waiting until the Second Coming occurred) then when she goes, he rapidly accelerates and nearly crashes into the back of her.
The silly creature had misidentified Gt Dane as a responsible motorist instead of a moron who was waving her forward into the path of a Ocado van.
Gt Dane then immediately blamed this girl for being a slow driver. He didn't make any attempt to apologise for me suffering whiplash and had no care for my Pound Bakery iced buns getting squashed where he'd jammed my knees against the dashboard.
Going anywhere nowadays with Gt Dane is a slow and lengthy process, not because of my mobility issues, but because of his lustful eye.
Any female preferably blonde pushing any pram within half a mile of a zebra crossing involves us screeching to a halt while he waits for them to cross the road. Twelve cars can be lined up behind us while he allows some sweet young thing to join the main road we are driving on. He doesn't give a stuff for the verbals and hand signals from the other drivers behind us. A smile and a wave from some manicured non wrinkly hand is enough.
The man is a monster
Sarah65 sweet of you to say so my darling, but everyone who knows me, can testify I'm a miserable sod and wouldn't know a joke if I fell over one!
MamaCaz
Remember that when you are stuck, doubled up, in the toilet, having had the living daylights frightened out of you while esconced on it, CaroDane
Great Dane is out in the garden again, but all is well.
He's on pest control duties so he's throwing all our slugs over the wall into next door's garden as retaliation for their teenage daughter playing horrid music all morning and drowning out my Max Bygraves CD.
These are new people and have been delightful since they moved in. When they aren't thoughtfully booting footballs over into my honeysuckle, they're throwing their fag ends on top of our outdoor barbecue and erecting what seems to be a 200 foot high child's climbing frame against our kitchen extension.
Gt Dane says we should be thankful as if our house ever burns down, we'll have no trouble escaping from the first floor.
The downside of this is we often see one of the brats at eye level if you're sitting on the toilet and the nets are rucked up.
Still. Safety always comes at a price. 
MamaCaz I'd send your husband's guide dog back if I were you. They're getting a bit lax on the training these days
gmarie one day at a time sweetheart. Am sure your lovely dad would rather have seen a smile on your beautiful face than have seen you sad. God rest his soul in peace. ?
@CaroDane - You had me laughing aloud while reading your posts, not expected since my dad died a week ago, today, and I've been very down 
. You have quite a way with words as do some of the responders here. You should write a story or article or just publish some of these funny post threads (with the names changed, of course ). Thanks for a respite from the grief. It felt like warm sun on my face. 
I am still laughing at the image of the dead cat's tail sticking out of the soil, several pages back
My OH hates gardening and barely ventures into the garden. On the odd occasion he does, there is always damage. I suspect it's deliberate, so that I will never ask him to do anything out there. The latest of these incidents involved him strimming down a sunflower that I'd grown from seed, nurtured and finally planted out. He claimed he didn't even see it - even though it was tied to a six foot cane, for crying out loud!
If he sees me making a framework for the runner beans, or other similar jobs, he might occasionally offer to help me, but I learned long ago that his 'help' will mean that any plants in the surrounding area will be trampled to death, and I am "making a fuss about nothing" if I say anything. Plus he takes over and the job has to be done his way, regardless of how unsuitable the end result might be.
My edging shears, which have worked perfectly for ten years, stopped working after he used them for five minutes . My strimmer, the one he massacred the sunflower with, no longer starts since he got his hands on it ... Grrr
But at least he hasn't found my latest hiding place for chocolate. Eating my fruit and nut would be totally unforgivable
LightAmber You defo did the right thing by divorcing him.
Think how many pansies you can buy for the cash you SAVED not having to buy that headstone. Let some other sucker pay for it
This thread is hilarious!
Year's ago, I had planted pansies, actually managed to keep them alive and they were flowering nicely. I mentioned to my now ex-husband, that I would be weeding the garden later and he just nodded. I thought no more about it.
I went out to weed later and there was nothing in the beds but piles of bark chippings. I went to go back in the house to ask WTF had he done only to find him in the doorway with a shit-eating grin and a ”look what a good boy I've been” look on his face.
He had spoken with man next door while discussing manly things and man next door had said, no need to weed just sling some bark chippings down.
So the great galumph only went and did that. Buried my lovely pansies under what seemed like half a hundredweight of pigging bark chippings! I asked hadn't he seen the pansies and he replied ” I thought they would pop up through it” 
Pansies didn't survive needless to say.
I was only trying to help... would have been on his headstone 
Squiffy you could be right but by the time I'd got upstairs on my stair lift there was no sign of him.
He must have been hiding again.
Therefore I can't verify your theory.
I know he suffers from Night Terrors though as last winter I had to get up and put my hand under his duvet ( I was seeing if his hotty was still warm to pinch it as mine had gone cold) and his screams were deafening.
Oh my goodness, I was having a big catchup on Gransnet on my phone, after a lovely relaxing Saturday in our sunny garden plus 2 large G&Ts, but I could barely speak for laughing at this thread, (thank you, CaroDane!) when I noticed my OH had put on his gardening gloves and was heading towards the borders. Talk about timing! I headed him off, then read him the bit about the supermarket ... tears streaming down my face. Ok maybe the gin was part of that, but I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
And stop tapping your nose or you'll end up with a zit on it as big as mine
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