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Why is it always me ?

(70 Posts)
Kartush Wed 21-Aug-19 22:51:29

I have come to the conclusion that must be lacking that certain something that makes people want to be close to me, throughout my life it seems it is always my job to keep in touch, to hold the family celebrations, to do the phone calls and to be honest I am getting tired. My son and his family never call, hardly ever message, if I call them I am lucky if they answer one time in twenty. Oh I know they love me but it seems they seem to have forgotten that my husband and I are here. We make the effort to go to visit them (they live 2000k away)we have lived in our new house for almost three years and they have never seen it. When we do visit they seem happy to see us, I guess we are just not a priority in their lives. Am i being unreasonable to feel this way?

CanadianGran Wed 21-Aug-19 23:05:58

I do sympathize. Of my 3 grown children I have one that really doesn't bother. But I have to say he doesn't bother with his siblings either, so it's him that is disconnected. The other two are much better at communicating. I don't feel the need to see them all the time, but a quick phone call or facetime is appreciated.

I admire some friends that always have their children and GC dropping by (but don't admire the amount of cooking that happens!)

If you do get the chance to speak your mind, please do. He may not realize that even a quick phone call will make all the difference.

GoodMama Wed 21-Aug-19 23:14:42

Kartush, do you feel this way with just your son but not with your husband, other relatives and friends/social circle?

Kartush Wed 21-Aug-19 23:30:50

GoodMama, my husband and I are very close, he and I have no problems at all, my daughters live in the same town as me and I work with them, but it is still me that suggests family bbqs and get togethers not them, I guess they may have just come to expect that Mam will do it. But yes I do have the same issues with other family members who live far away, I am the one who has to initiate contact or there is no contact at all.

Namsnanny Wed 21-Aug-19 23:52:55

Well for what its worth I don't think you are!

It's a shock to the system to find out we're not the centre of our world anymore, isn't it?

I think feeling isolated in personal relationships is really destructive. So no I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I just wonder why you're feeling this way now?
Has anything changed recently to make you look more closely at your life and brought this to the fore?

Apart from the details, I feel could have written a very similar post.
I've spent a lot of my time in the past, arranging Christmas get togethers, occasional family holidays, birthday surprises etc.
Eventually I realised that whilst people came and enjoyed themselves, they didn't reciprocate.

So quite a while ago I decided to pull back and let siblings arrange to visit me, children to phone or text first, husband to be proactive.

What happened? Nobody (with the exception of one of my children and my Father) made any effort. Even after I explained my reasoning.

I'm not trying to hijacking your thread or anything, but I just don't quite have an answer for you!

How does your husband feel about the situation?

Maybe I'm generalising too much, but in my experience the men in our lives often take a more pragmatic view.

There is always the possibility that if you have the chance to talk to your relatives about how you feel they may be more responsive than you expect. They may appreciate being given an opportunity to play a bigger part in your life.

I think you should try to talk to relatives and if it all goes pear shaped, you can at least know in your heart that you did your best for the relationships.

Getting out and about and making new friends is always good advice, and if you get the chance to do so, grab it.

flowers

annep1 Wed 21-Aug-19 23:58:52

I only see my sister when I contact her. If I didn't I don't think I would ever see her again. My children rarely visit. I don't know why. They ring, send photos, and cards etc. Just don't come.. I cried today thinking about it.
You're not alone Kartush. I try not to think about it. I have a loving husband.

Namsnanny Thu 22-Aug-19 00:02:38

annep1...you're not alone either, I'm glad you have a loving husband flowers

annep1 Thu 22-Aug-19 00:03:09

And as namsnanny says best to just make your own life and get on with it.

crazyH Thu 22-Aug-19 00:21:46

All I can say is Kartrush, you're not alone.
I have to organise family gettogethers. I have to remind my AC about Birthdays, Anniversaries etc. I have to organise everything. If I didn't, the siblings wouldn't see one another, cousins wouldn't know one another, and the family unit will disintegrate as I'm sure it will, once I've gone. Not fair, is it ?

GoodMama Thu 22-Aug-19 00:33:43

I’m glad to hear you have a close relationship with you DH and enjoy spending time together. It’s wonderful and as it should be!

My circle of friends often remark that i am the glue that holds our social circle together. I plan the gatherings and am usually the one to reach out (though not always). So i can relate a little. But I do enjoy our gatherings so much that it doesn’t bother me.

Have you thought about telling your son and daughters that you are not the family cruise director anymore and they should plan the next gathering?

It may be a bit before they do, but they might surprise you.

In the meantime, like other PP suggested, plan some fun activities for you and DH and don’t look back. Try and focus on what you do have than what you don’t.

Try and meet some new friends as well. Perhaps your adult children are in the throes of professional and child rearing that they do rely on you to plan.

Let them miss you a bit.

annep1 Thu 22-Aug-19 00:33:55

Thank you namsnanny !

Hithere Thu 22-Aug-19 04:55:02

OP,
Take a step back for a while.
Maybe they are used to you initiating the get togethers so they do not suggest anything

Instead, do things that you enjoy. Concentrate on yourself, not others

Re: son and family living 2000 km away
Any chance that they have kids?

Plumcushion Thu 22-Aug-19 05:16:41

I was always the organizer too and after decades I decided to quietly step back and see what happened, if someone took over or invited us or organized the gifts etc.
No one really did.
I know everyone always enjoyed our parties or visiting us but it just didn’t get reciprocated.
I’ve concluded that it just doesn’t cross most people’s minds or they are not interested in the effort it takes so I’ve decided to plan to quietly step back forward and resume my role of organizing events and holidays and gifts.
Otherwise we’d never see anyone!!!!
We are just predisposed to be entertainers or be entertained, I reckon.

Grammaretto Thu 22-Aug-19 06:21:26

My Mil, now in her mid 90s is still the glue in the family. I don't know what we will do when she's no longer around!
I don't possess her social skills and neither does anyone else.
I suppose if we want to keep it up we will be forced into it
I did have 10 to lunch last Sunday (including her) so maybe I am being dragged into taking on some of the burden.
She remembers birthdays, takes an interest in all her descendants and even her cousins.

Apart from the odd message on Facebook, I am lazy by comparison as are all the others.

One of my sons may fill the breech.

crystaltipps Thu 22-Aug-19 06:23:21

I guess if you’ve always been the kingpin others will take a back seat and expect that person to be the organiser. You’ve either got to continue in that role and make the most of it or tell them how you feel.

Sara65 Thu 22-Aug-19 07:26:09

Kartush

You sound like you possibly work in a family business, as do I, so I see all three children and husband all the time, plus in the school holidays, various grandchildren in and out.

My daughters are always arranging things, outings, get togethers for all occasions, but if I didn’t see my son every day at work, I doubt I’d ever see him, I’ve long given up prompting him about Birthdays, he never buys either sister, nieces or nephews as much as a card. He’s single, has his own life, which is fine, but I think if we didn’t work together, he’d disappear from our lives.

harrigran Thu 22-Aug-19 08:23:09

All social gatherings, especially C********s are organised by DH and I, if we didn't nothing would happen.
When your offspring are in their fifties you would think they could arrange a family get together but it appears not.

Daisymae Thu 22-Aug-19 08:28:05

No, you are not alone. I always did everything and now DH is too unwell to help I have found it too much. We do have occasional meals out en famille and last Xmas found ourselves alone for a variety of reasons. I just can't be bothered too much anymore.

sodapop Thu 22-Aug-19 08:37:52

I agree with other posters, if another family member has always organised things then others will not bother. It does become wearing after a while, I think you should tell your family how you feel and see if you can't come up with a different arrangement, maybe taking turns in organising a get together. Sometimes I wonder who we are doing it for though as our younger family members seem quite happy just to keep in touch via social media.

TwiceAsNice Thu 22-Aug-19 08:47:03

We do tend to share the organising in our family, myself and two daughters live very close together. DD2 does all the Christmas organising and we all help with the rest. SIL just lets us get on with it . He leaves everything to the last minute

love0c Thu 22-Aug-19 08:49:29

I agree with all the posters. While ever you are prepared to do something other people will let you. My husband and I now things if we want to and it suits us. Occasionally not doing something or not being available may help you feel a little bit in control and not feeling powerless. I doubt things will change drastically but it is more about making yourself feeling better. That is what is important. As others suggest try to do things that you enjoy that do not involve organizing for others or relying on their company. But remember you are most certainly not alone in feeling/being treated like this.

dragonfly46 Thu 22-Aug-19 09:02:24

I think this is just something that happens in families. Both my children live 150 miles away and we do not see them regularly. We only see my DS and DGC every few months. My DS, however, rings twice a week on his way home from work. My DD never rings. We play games on FB etc but no other contact apart from the occasional text.

When I was diagnosed with an illness last year though it was my DD who came to see me and when I have my op in September she is taking a week off work.

Just because you they do not arrange things it does not mean they do not care. They know you have a good marriage and you have each other and can therefore get on with their lives. As you have always made the arrangements they still expect it and will not change now. You say they are always happy to come to family events so I would just carry on arranging them and do not dwell on why you alway have to do it. It is simply because you always have.

KatyK Thu 22-Aug-19 09:39:31

I don't think it's just you. Most parents of grown up children I know feel the same. There is usually only contact when the offspring need something. It's how it is I'm afraid. I think we always think we'll be close to our children but sadly it doesn't always work out like that.

Sara65 Thu 22-Aug-19 09:48:15

Katyk

I agree, I see a lot of my daughters, but I’m always the one paying for everything, or having a house full of people, I’m under no illusions that they’re always around because they love my company. To be fair, we all get on pretty well, but I’m not stupid!!

Crazygran Thu 22-Aug-19 10:14:49

This is going to sound really cruel but here goes.
I read so many posts about grown up children who don’t bother very much with parents.
You brought them up !!!!!!!!

Gingergirl Thu 22-Aug-19 10:35:56

Well young families have full on lives it seems. That said, maybe you could invite them specifically, to come to you. Would they be able to stay over? Do they know that you want them to come? Perhaps gently mention to them that you feel you’re losing touch and that you can’t always be going to them every time. As you say, I’m sure they love you....just being a bit insensitive I expect. To be honest, as parents and grandparents, we possibly aren’t on their minds all the time....nevertheless they may be taking your presence for granted, in their busy lives.

Stella14 Thu 22-Aug-19 10:37:35

Crazygran, do you really think that is a constructive comment, or did you just want to add something hurtful? hmm

NannyG123 Thu 22-Aug-19 10:40:21

I sonnetime think mum's are glue that hold family together, that's the case with my mum, but when she died, at first it was an effort to keep in contact with my brother and sister. But now we are often texting and meeting up, and we really get on. But I think I'm the glue that's holding my 3 children together. But I also know that when I'm no longer here, they will get by with each other.

KatyK Thu 22-Aug-19 10:46:34

Sara Still it's nice that you see them. We only have a daughter. We used to see a great deal of her and she was always phoning. We used to do a lot together when DGD was small. We see much less of her now but at least we see her. We have helped them out in the past but it was our decision, they have never asked us for anything. She is always very generous (when she can afford it) and always pays her way. She'd rather be with her friends, which is normal. I was the same. I sometimes wish it was different but I can't complain. smile

Mercure Thu 22-Aug-19 10:52:14

You're right there Crazygran, it is a very cruel comment. sad

Calendargirl Thu 22-Aug-19 10:53:14

Times change. When my DH and I were courting, we went to his parents every fortnight for Sunday tea. 15 minute drive away. He came from a large family, and that was when we all met up. Several of them were married with small children, and it was an opportunity to see everybody.

Now, nearly 50 years later, with PIL long gone, we meet up once a year on anniversary of MIL’s birthday for a meal. Only time we see most of them, and if his sister didn’t organise it that too wouldn’t happen.

As for AC, DD lives in Oz, DS lives locally. Occasionally invited for a bbq, but usually ties in with wanting help with jobs. DS makes little effort to keep in touch with his sister, I know she feels she has to be the one to message etc. They all have busy lives and are quite self centred I suppose.

birchermuesli Thu 22-Aug-19 10:53:52

Good for you Plumcushion.

KatyK Thu 22-Aug-19 10:57:27

To be honest, I rarely gave my parents a thought when I was getting on with my life when I was younger. I helped my mum out after she left my horrible dad but I wouldn't have dreamt of including her in my social life. She died when I was 23 though.

TrendyNannie6 Thu 22-Aug-19 10:58:30

I have a different take on this, I’m quite happy to only see my grandchildren occasionally when I can be fitted in, hahaha I see one of my grandchildren regularly though, things are so different these days I remember when I was young we used to visit grandparents etc every Sunday. I certainly don’t take offence if I don’t hear from my children for a short time, I don’t interfere in there lives they have there own lives to live, as long as I know they are fine I’m happy,

EthelJ Thu 22-Aug-19 10:58:37

I think it might just be that adult children take their parents for granted. Think they will always be there and rely on them to keep the family together. They probably have such busy lives time and time passes quickly so before you know it a couple of years have passed. I think I am guilty of this with some of my siblings. Its not that I don't think about them and love them though.

TrendyNannie6 Thu 22-Aug-19 11:06:06

So are you saying then crazygran that just because we brought our children up it’s the parents fault why they don’t come round very often, what a nasty post

Sara65 Thu 22-Aug-19 11:13:50

I think our children are very time poor, both daughters seem to be rushing around all the time, one spends lots of time with us, and we’re very close to her children, but to be honest, I would rather see her out with her friends than hanging around with us at the weekends, she does have a partner, but it seems to be a very odd relationship, they seem to spend very little time together.

absthame Thu 22-Aug-19 11:18:24

My wife is bad at maintaining contacts with family and friends, these are for some reason down to me.

In recent years my son has taken over as the instigator of celebrations often aided by his sd and my other gd is great at building and maintaining relationships both within and outside the family. So things look bright for the family's future.

Coconut Thu 22-Aug-19 11:22:04

Life is very different now with our AC so busy and stressed with work commitments, family time and chores at weekends etc it’s a nightmare trying to fit everything in for them. I think I’m included so much with my 3 AC just because I’m divorced, so I do consider myself very lucky.

Grandad1943 Thu 22-Aug-19 11:33:27

Kartush, we are lucky in the fact that our three daughters and their families all live within a few minutes of us here in North Somerset. They are always "popping in" to see us, but even in that we accept that much that they do in their lives will not involve us.

We are both still working in our business so that takes up a considerable amount of our time. However, for leisure time etc we have a group of friends that we have both known for much of our lives, and it is with them that we have days or evenings out. Only a month ago six of us went to Belgium for a week to see Andre Rieu in concert and visit the first and second world war memorial sites.

The above was a wonderful holiday with friends of our own generation. Therefore, Kartush perhaps you and your husband could set out your lives in similar arrangement.

Sadly our children grow up and move on in their own lives, but that does not mean they think any less in the love of their parents. It is just I feel that many homes these days have both parents working, and that can leave little time to consider very much outside the running those homes and families.

So, perhaps Kartush you and your husband could look more outside the family circle for friends and recreation, and that I feel would bring perhaps a greater satisfaction in both your lives.

Hope this helps with some thoughts.

LizVck Thu 22-Aug-19 11:49:38

I know exactly how you feel In March this year I had an accident and badly broke my ankle ending up in hospital for a week then 6 weeks in plaster unable to put any weight on it, I got messages from my children on facebook but none of them bothered to visit,my daughter lives 30 minutes away just left my poor hubby to manage looking after me our dog and chickens and go to work.on his own.

Sussexborn Thu 22-Aug-19 12:08:44

Can remember an article by Claire Rayner bewailing the fact that she had to do all the contacting and organising in her circle of friends. She came to the conclusion that people are either passive or reactive. If everyone tried to organise every event I suppose it might get quite chaotic.

Life is different now with families scattered far and wide. When my family were young apart from one brother in the army, we all lived in Sussex, Kent and Surrey. Now family live in London, Leeds, West Midlands, Hereford, some still in Sussex, unsure where some cousins now live. Some have lived in France (two have now returned to the U.K.)

The young Mums mostly work full time (some are the main earner), all drive and have their own cars. The logistics are very different and so are attitudes.

Then throw in laws into the mix who have different ideas and expectations. I brought my children up to be inclusive of their in laws but not everybody does and the family dynamics change.

I did realise that one of my younger brothers, like me, would like to have had more family gatherings and he and his wife hosted a really great party in his garden. Sadly he was diagnosed with terminal bowel cancer not long after and is very sadly missed. A good reason for not prevaricating and assuming we can keep putting things off ad infinitum.

jocork Thu 22-Aug-19 12:23:09

I think families can be like this. I remember my father used to hire a car avery year for a day just before Christmas and go round all the Aunts and Uncles delivering Christmas presents. We didn't have a car and he hated driving. One year he decided enough was enough and didn't do it. Late on Christmas eve one of my cousins turned up with the presents and collected the ones for the rest of the family. They had realised by then that my dad wasn't coming and had to get off their backsides and do it for a change.
Previously for many years my mum had done 2 Christmas dinners each year, one for her side of the family on Christmas day then another for my dad's side on boxing day. I guess my parents were the 'glue' of the families.

For most of my adult life I've lived over 200 miles from where I grew up and where many of my family still live. Whenever I went to visit my mum I got in touch with my brother and his family to arrange to see them while I was there. Since my mum died in 2011 I've only seen my brother once apart from the week of the funeral. That was at my son's wedding in 2017. On a couple of occasions I've considered going up to that part of the country and asked if I could go to stay for a couple of days. He's always been vague and said 'I'm not sure if we are around that weekend' so I've not bothered since. My daughter has been to visit a couple of times and stayed over once as she moved to Glasgow so more often travels by where they live in Lancashire. She says I should ask my SIL instead of my brother - that is what she does - but it feels strange not to ask my brother himself. I have come to the conclusion they aren't really interested in me. Perhaps things will change when I retire as I'll be free to visit more if they are interested in seeing me.

Thankfully my DS and DIL and my DD both keep in regular contact. DS and DIL have been to stay this week and spent 2 day grafting in my garden which is far too big for me to cope with on my own. They did a huge amount of work including some other jobs and we went out for meals in the evenings so we could just spend time together without slaving over a hot stove. Now they have gone to Scotland and are spending a couple of days with DD before going camping together. DD visits when she can and I go to stay with her too once or twice a year. I'm so glad DS and DD seem to keep in contact with each other as well as with me, and hopefully they won't end up as distant as my brother and I.

schnackie Thu 22-Aug-19 12:38:41

jocork your sweet story about your dad at Christmas, had me welling up. He must have been overwhelmed when the relatives turned up with the gifts. I am pretty lucky I guess, in that whilst my kids live in the US, I am invited to stay with my daughter's family once or twice a year, usually for a month. This past trip she and I flew to spend a few days with my son. The two of them apparently speak on the phone every Sunday which I love (though I often don't hear from my son for months.) Before children, my daughter loved coming to England and did at least twice a year. I envisioned having the grandchildren here as well and all the places I would take them. However after she had the two kids close together, in the past 7 years, they have not visited once. I understand how expensive it is to buy plane tickets for four people but she recently told me the amount of her husband's yearly bonus and I almost fell over. I guess it's also the fact that I live in a one bedroom flat so they couldn't stay with me. I have forced myself to remember over 30 years back and the small amount of contact I had with my own mother when my children were young. I think this is part of life and I hope I live long enough to see the children as teenagers when they will be able to (and hopefully want to) visit me on their own.

KatyK Thu 22-Aug-19 13:37:55

schnackie Hopefully they will. Our granddaughter is 19 and at uni. When she is back here for holidays, she will sometimes text me to say 'I haven't seen you for a while. Can I come over' and she drives over to see us by herself smile

trendygran Thu 22-Aug-19 13:45:53

I live 5 minutes (fast)walk away from my DD and family but have only been in their house once this year -on Mothering Sunday.They are very busy juggling jobs(both nurses) school and activities etc. We have no issues when I do finally get to see them -usually at a local coffee shop or garden centre. Again it’s potluck if they answer the phone-have given up on the land line! Lucky to get a reply to a text but do keep trying!
My other family are 300 miles away, so rarely seen -but actually going to see them in a few weeks time -for the first time in over a year.

grandtanteJE65 Thu 22-Aug-19 13:52:19

I have always had to get in touch with most of our friends and family if I wanted to see them or to hear how they are. I think they have come to rely on this, so they don't bother to get in touch themselves.

I honestly don't think they realise that I am always the one getting in touch. Right now, I am waiting to see if my nieces and nephew ever do ring or text.

Actually, I think Crazygran has a valid point. They grew up with a person who always got in touch, so they never learned to do so, or needed to, because we are stil the one getting in touch.

With friends, all right, they did not grew up with us, but they too have just accepted that we always ring or write, so they don't need to.

Washerwoman Thu 22-Aug-19 14:32:04

Our home is still the hub where family congregates and I'm still chief cook and hostess.But DH loves having his 'girls'.partners, GC and assorted dogs visiting.And so do I .Although increasingly I'm delegating some food contributions ,and simplifying meals as the family expands.As well as a lot of work it's getting expensive.My recent suggestion was a bring your own picnic and meet up for a family walk so no-one had to host ,or do it all.
Sometimes we invite them,often they invite themselves.They reciprocate by inviting us for an occasional meal either in their homes,or out at a restaurant.And we hear from them most days, even if just a quick What's app chat. tbh we had a very similar relationship with both my parents and the in laws.
We have a balance getting on with our own lives and friends,and they with theirs -but remain close.They can irritate the hell out of me sometimes,as I must do them!- but I do count my blessings. And indeed my closest long term friends see and hear from their adult DCs regularly too.So I never regarded it as unusual.
I would feel frustrated if all the contacting,and co -ordinating was left to me.This happened with a friend recently and I began to resent it and withdrew.It's not that simple with family though is it ?

Tris68 Thu 22-Aug-19 14:52:05

I got invited down town with my 2 daughters today & I really don't know why other than to look after the little ones. In the shop I'm keeping an eye on the 3 & 4 yo while they're looking at stuff & buying each other bits, literally felt like I was tagging along. Now sat in DD1 lounge feeling like a spare part/baby sitter & tbh can't wait to go home.

Sara65 Thu 22-Aug-19 14:53:56

Washerwoman

I feel we must be a bit like you, our house is often full of children and grandchildren, the school holidays have been especially hectic.

I love them all, love seeing them, and know we’re lucky to have them, but sometimes we long for a quiet weekend

Sara65 Thu 22-Aug-19 14:55:18

Tris

I should go on home if I were you, have a nice cup of tea in peace.

KatyK Thu 22-Aug-19 15:13:02

Our daughter and granddaughter came here the other day. The majority of the time they sat talking to each other about people and things we had never heard of and taking pictures of themselves to post online. Me and DH just sat here like a pair of puddings. At least we had a visit I suppose!

Emelle Thu 22-Aug-19 15:56:53

We are in a similar situation as our DDs and family don't visit very often and only seem to call when they need us. Without going in to detail we have decided that enough is enough so next time the call comes to help out , the answer is going to be a polite no. I know many on here won't agree but we are tired of being taken for granted. I wouldn't expect friends to behave like this so why should family?

crazyH Thu 22-Aug-19 16:14:51

Crazygran, that was unnecessary......

Misha14 Thu 22-Aug-19 16:20:50

Agree with you Crazygran.
On the topic: I used to host/organise family gatherings, until my kids had their own homes, when they couldn't wait to take over Christmas and family gatherings. Now I'm in the lovely position of waiting to be told what to bring and then sitting back and enjoying it all. The baton has well and truly been passed.

Happysexagenarian Thu 22-Aug-19 16:35:10

In our family I am the one who is 'disconnected'. I very rarely phone anyone (AC, GC or my siblings), I may text occasionally if I have something specific to say. I love them all to bits and think of them all the time, I just don't feel the need to constantly be in touch.

It seems to be a trait in my family as my brother never phones, writes, texts, emails or visits. He doesn't welcome visits and has never even met my children. I always send him birthday and Christmas cards but he never reciprocates. I just accept that's the way he is.

As for family events and get togethers, our AC and GC visit us several times a year, they organise visits as they have work schedules, school etc. They also visit each other and keep in touch frequently.

My own siblings are scattered around the globe and the older we get the less keen we are to travel long distances, so now it's just weddings and funerals, health and mobility permitting.

Ooeyisit Thu 22-Aug-19 16:41:20

Yes this could be me writing this .

willa45 Thu 22-Aug-19 16:54:26

We are not the only people in our children's lives. Once they leave home, embark on their careers, form their own families, they also accumulate other social obligations besides ours. When we have to compete for our children's attention, we are unfortunately outnumbered if not outranked.

Best advice I ever heard was to 'get a life'!; meaning that we can't control the friends we have, but we can control the kind of life we make for ourselves. When we seek other outside interests (hobbies, volunteering, classes, travel etc.) we not only learn and grow, we also create alternatives for a more fulfilling life experience.

'Get a Life' means we should stop depending on other people for our own entertainment. Instead, we should acquire new experiences and learn new things. By learning and doing we become more interesting to others. Interesting people are also more likely to make new friends.

GoodMama Thu 22-Aug-19 16:54:59

I think having expectations of what other people should do and want will always lead to disappointment.

I’m guilty of this, too.

We can only control what we do and how we react to what others do.

We may not like it, but once other people show us who they are we can either accept it and adjust our expectations to match reality or continue to torture ourselves.

Not an easy change in thinking but well worth it!

willa45 Thu 22-Aug-19 17:00:18

can't control the friends we have ,

Should have been ".....can't control the friends and family we have...."

Oh, for that much desired 'Edit' button!

Dear Admin, Please tell us what compelling reason there is for not having it and I won't ask again.

willa45 Thu 22-Aug-19 17:21:23

Kartush, I may have reacted primarily to the first part of your post as well as the responses of others. My apologies if it appeared to digress ....

Having said that, you mentioned your son lives 2000 Ks away which obviously makes it hard to have frequent interactions. It's good that you are able to visit from time to time. Have you had a frank conversation with your son/DIL about the reasons for not taking your calls, lack of messaging, visiting etc? If their responses don't really satisfy you, then my original post still stands.

Sheilasue Thu 22-Aug-19 17:42:51

Get on an enjoy your lives. They will soon notice when you don’t get in touch.

glammagran Thu 22-Aug-19 19:03:45

Lizvyk Hope you’re better now 💐

grannybuy Thu 22-Aug-19 19:10:52

When I occasionally stay with DD for a couple of days, 15 yr old DGD hogs her mother's attention, constantly talking in a low voice about things personal to them, which I obviously know nothing about. It makes me feel a bit 'spare', and, as it's quite rude, I wish DD would take her to task for this, especially as I'm only there for a short time. I'm lucky to see them every two - three months though, as they live about 150 miles away, so can't complain about that I never see them.
,

Mic74 Thu 22-Aug-19 19:51:01

I cannot explain why it is, but my 2 sons brought up in the same way. one phones and visits often, the other I almost have to text him and make an appointment to speak to him; my husband and I make a joke about it, but it does hurt really. but as I say, brought up exactly the same, just different personalities. however, if there is an emergency he is always there.

Chaitriona Fri 23-Aug-19 03:36:23

Good advice, good mamma

Bugbabe2019 Fri 23-Aug-19 09:58:57

No YANBU
I would be just as upset.
Luckily I am very close to my DIL and we message each other numerous times during the week.
Were you and your son close before? Is there a reason that there is any resentment between you? If not then I’d have it out with him oh and don’t forget to down all the inheritance money, if he can’t be bothered to visit/stay in touch then sod him!

Namsnanny Sat 24-Aug-19 00:04:36

Misha14......How wonderful for you. confused

GoodMama Sat 24-Aug-19 00:46:44

Misha14, that does sound wonderful! Good for you and your lovely family. Heathy all the way around!

melp1 Sun 25-Aug-19 19:04:25

The younger generation with children and work are very time poor. I keep in touch with my grandaughters by texting, calling or sending pictures via whats app, they always reply (always on their phones). They send pictures back and let me know what the families upto. One son lives about 10 miles away and we see them most weeks but we just pop in for a coffee.
The other around 120 miles away, we did used to visit and stay over but more difficult now the girls are at school. They usually stop over about 4 times a year and we all have a week away together in May.
Can you just pop round to see them occasionally?