FIL again

I'm amazed that you continue to return his calls. I suggest that you provide him with simple information sheets on ASD and, maybe a list of ways that this affects your lives and just leave him to process that. Let him stew!
Your poor DH. Its all such a difficult time for him and for you too. Good luck with it all.

If you e got this far, thanks for reading

I am not sure how old your DS is - but you could maybe have a talk wiht him first? Explain how out of touch his granfather is and that he is not to take anything he say seriously, that you have his back and understand him. Then get DH to talk to his father, and make it clear, that if he comes for Christmas he is to completely back off of your DS.
If however - you think any of this is unlikely, then for your DS sake - you may have to withdraw the offer. I hope you can sort it.

I would definitely not have at my house for Christmas. If he comes NO ONE will have a good time - if he stays at home only he will not have a good time. He sounds just awful - don't let him spoil Christmas for you!!

He's just not listening though. The good thing about written info is that its there all the time. It doesn't change, doesn't depend on tone of voice and can't be interrupted!
If he wakes up in the middle of the night, sober, he can read it then etc.
I hope he comes round eventually. I think there is specific info available for grandparents.

I am amazed that you need to ask. No, you are not being unreasonable. In fact I can't believe that you asked him in the first place. The only thing is certain is that if you go ahead you will all have a miserable time. I think the magical family Christmas we have in our head is, for many, just that.

Just "unask" him.
I speak from bitter experience, we had my mother ruin every Christmas from my early years until she was 95 years old and she was not as bad as your FiL.
Don't feel guilty either, he has brought it on himself.
If you must have him just make it very, very clear, any comments to ,or about, your son will not be tolerated or he will have to leave

Thank you so much. DS is 8 so this may be one of the last Christmases that we have Santa too.

This man doesn't sound so well himself and needs to see a GP about his obnoxious outbursts. I appreciate he'll be grieving and he can only show it through his anger which is exacerbated by his drinking. He's to be pitied really although that won't come easy.
We can all live in the past at times when things were so much different, but this is now the future so he'll have to accept it. His non-acceptance will only get worse if he isn't treated in some way and perhaps tested for early onset of dementia.

His drinking won't help either but that's obviously his way of dealing with present day living which certainly isn't helping anyone least of all himself.

If he's going to be with you at Christmas, serve non-alcoholic drinks but don't let on.

If it's any consolation, my late husband could put the world and everyone in it to rights and could well have become a Victor Meldrew x Alf Garnet had he lived ! Even suffering cancer he was quite selfish at times but I was more than able to put him in his place with his " poor me's " constantly.

The pig wouldn't cross my doorstep ever again. He was unkind to Your child
There would be no more phone calls, either. No contact, nothing. If your Husband wishes to keep contact with his father, that's his choice.

Protecting your son is your first priority (as I am sure you know). Explain to your FiL that your son will always come first.

I think I would withdraw the invitation but if you feel unable to do that tell him if he makes any comments about your son's condition over Christmas he will immediately be returned home (with a food parcel if necessary).

I can sort of forgive your FIL for his behaviour because he is a drunk. His thinking is therefore warped and impaired. He will not remember what he said before and will probably repeat it in the future.

I honestly could not invite him into my home for a family celebration (Christmas), even if he is a family member and would be on his own. Maybe that is what he needs to sort himself out a bit.

However, he is your husband's father and the final decision must be between both of you, with your husband making it very clear on how he expects him to behave and speak to his wife and children.

The fact that he doesn’t keep well health wise and drinks too much makes me feel guilty for withdrawing offer if Christmas. He might not be here next year

If he is drinking to excess he shouldn't be around your child. Period. Someone who is an alcoholic is not a safe person.

I can understand why you feel difficult about withdrawing invitation. I think if I was in your position I would:
1. Avoid any discussion or trying to change his views on Autism with him by telling him very clearly that:
* it is up to him what he thinks
*you dont agree with him;
*you will not discuss again now or over xmas
2. After the above, ask him if he still wishes to come for xmas
3. If he says he does state very clearly the "rules" on his behaviour at xmas towards:
- your son
- everyone else in the house
4. Tell him specifically what will happen if he doesnt stick to rules (and if he doesnt, do not engage other than with "consequence" he has been warned about )

And do all of the above with your husband as a United front

This is easy

You are the problem. Uninvite him for Christmas and your dh deals with fil.

He is an alcoholic and you are letting him damage your child. Do not let your child have any contact with fil.

I think the advice about giving him written information is a good idea. He can read and re-read it.

From your point of view and that of your son, he ought not to come at Christmas ideally but these things can be hard.

Is he elderly? Does he have dementia as well possibly? Delightful relations of mine became downright rude in the end but, if they could have seen themselves, they would have been horrified.

Can you turn it onto him? Point out that he’s far from normal and may well have dementia. He needs to get his drinking problem sorted out. Its making his dementia worse... Has he thought of getting professional help... You’re all worried about the effect his drinking is having as he can’t remember what he’s saying... And so on. Don’t talk about ASD. Refuse. Will there be many others there at Christmas? Other children? The more the merrier to deflect him.

Either that or get him so drunk he passes out!

If he comes for Christmas it’s ruined for everyone- if you cancel his invite it’s only ruined for him (possibly). No contest really.....

Not sure that even guilt would let me ruin or even jeopardize my child's Christmas.

He's lucky to have such a kind and sensitive DiL.

I think it would be best if he did not come at Christmas. Get your husband to explain that your son has to be your top priority at the moment and that it is best if he does not visit this Christmas as your son and you would undoubtedly be upset by his comments. Your husband could perhaps suggest a visit sometime in the New Year.

Invite him at a less emotionally charged time of year.