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Christmas Lunch

(99 Posts)
seasider Sun 17-Nov-19 10:12:41

Sorry if this is a bit long! Stepson came to live with us when he was 18. About 3 years later his girlfriend came for one night and never went home . They paid us £200 a month which included everything. After 2 years, due to rising costs, we asked them for an extra £40 a month so they moved into a flat.
They soon realised they could not save while renting so we said they could come back for a year and pay just £100 a month so they could save a deposit. They did well and now have their own home.
Over the years either myself or my adult daughter hosted Christmas Day and they both came. We even had his girlfriend's parents one year. Getting their own home coincided with stepson' s mother deciding she wanted them to go to her house for Christmas.
This year is the first Christmas Day they will be at home and they told us they have invited her parents and some friends of theirs. These friends might decline but they can't invite us until they know! Am I unreasonable in feeling a bit miffed??

tanith Sun 17-Nov-19 10:22:02

Christmas days are difficult for every family when sorting out arrangements please don’t be upset if you can’t see them on the day, there are lots more days of the year to get together it’s only one day.
My own family are all up in the air about Christmas as no one has enough room for everyone so sorting out who goes where and when is difficult but I’ll just accept whatever, it is what is ONE DAY. 😉

annsixty Sun 17-Nov-19 10:37:07

I am facing the first Christmas in my life when I don't know what I will be doing.
To OP, don't be upset, these things happen, everyone cannot be accommodated.
They will probably ask you next year or perhaps come to you, or invite you for boxing day.
I will possibly be having lunch with my ex DiL and her family.
Not something I could ever have contemplated a few years ago.
Things change, we accept or make ourselves miserable.

fourormore Sun 17-Nov-19 10:38:37

I can understand how you feel seasider but agree with tanith, it is only one day.
Our three AC all live within an 8 mile radius of us but we seldom see them throughout the year due to work commitments etc. (Unless they want childcare of course!)
We know we cannot all be together on Christmas Day itself so I asked them all to give me some dates in December when they could arrange to be free for a meet-up to exchange presents (there's also 6 GC) This was in the hope that they each may have one date that tallies with the others?
DD hasn't got a clue what she is doing as she 'is so busy at work' DS1 has given us one Sunday afternoon as they have 'other commitments' and DS2 has suggested a Sunday morning as 'we have to be somewhere else in the afternoon' Do you think DS2 is hinting that a lunch invitation would be good hmm
Our solution is to meet up with each family individually whenever but then we will be spending some of their inheritance as we are going away from 23rd to 27th Dec - spending Christmas in a hotel with excursions etc. being spoiled rotten!
Can't wait!
Good luck seasider but whatever happens don't let it spoil your Christmas flowers It does hurt though sad

dragonfly46 Sun 17-Nov-19 10:44:12

We are having a quiet Christmas this year and I welcome it. Last year was manic as we stayed in an Air B&B near my DS and DiL with DD and SIL and dog. There 10 of us and an overload of presents. This year DD and SiL are coming with dog. We won’t see the DGC but that is okay, we will see them another day.

Calendargirl Sun 17-Nov-19 10:46:35

Yes, I can well understand you feeling miffed, as you are obviously first reserve depending if the friends grace them with their presence or not.
Perhaps they feel you might be glad not to have to do Christmas with them as you have often done it for them in the past.
You have obviously helped them out no end in the past, but as other posters have said, it is only one day and not worth years of falling out about and being resentful. Try and not mind, but galling I know.

Urmstongran Sun 17-Nov-19 11:20:06

In the words of that popular song from ‘Frozen’ .... ‘let it go, let it go!’

Urmstongran Sun 17-Nov-19 11:21:48

Actually I can appreciate your hurt. The young couple shouldn’t have told you that you were first reserves.

Insensitive.

glammanana Sun 17-Nov-19 11:34:18

I know you will be feeling sad at the arrangements but just remember that girls will gravitate towards their own mum and maybe they want to show off their new home to their friends,have no doubt that they love you very much after all the help you have given them over the past years,from experience I can say they will never get the priorities in the correct order young ones just don't think like that as they know you will always be there for them,catch up with them on boxing day when things are calmer.flowers

Eloethan Sun 17-Nov-19 11:37:35

seasider I would not feel "a bit miffed". I would be very hurt and very annoyed.

eazybee Sun 17-Nov-19 11:49:15

You are right to be 'miffed'; your Christmas arrangements have to wait on their friends' decision whether to accept or not. Extremely ill-mannered, and also ungrateful.

Susiewakie Sun 17-Nov-19 11:55:07

I would be well miffed too ! In my case this year's Christmas day is me and both mum and Mil and DH as my DD and family are going to SIL mum's for the day ( she is very recently suddenly widowed) I have agreed they will come to us boxing Day instead .( The backstory is that the other Granny normally makes an enormous fuss if the alternate Christmas day rota is not observed ! I am going with the flow as always lol ) enjoy the day and see then boxing Day less stress x

wildswan16 Sun 17-Nov-19 12:55:54

Why on earth do people have to feel "miffed". Why can't our adult children ask whoever they want to their homes for Christmas?

Just enjoy the Christmas holiday wherever you end up spending it and be happy that your family, wherever they are, are happy too.

M0nica Sun 17-Nov-19 13:12:21

Just accept that it is Christmas, that balancing all the competing invites and expectations is a nightmare and upsets happen.

Just embrace the spirit of Christmas yourself and forget about about the slight, which is probably not intentional.

I think every family has Christmases where actuality does not match expectations, I know certainly we have - also at sometime DH and I caused upset, quite inadvertently by our decisions. My rule is to swallow hard and just enjoy the season nevertheless.

Cabbie21 Sun 17-Nov-19 14:35:10

DH always wants to be at home for Christmas and our place is too small to accommodate everyone, so it is invariably just the two of us, with him dozing most of the afternoon. This year my daughter has invited us and her husband’s family to their place. I know DH doesn’t want to go. Daughter has hinted that she only wants visitors to stay a couple hours at most, though I would love to spend longer with the grandchildren.
Everyone’s Christmas is problematical, one way or another, and you just have to accept this. There are 364 other days in the year,

lemongrove Sun 17-Nov-19 16:11:41

Seasider....I would feel hurt that friends of the other inlaws had been invited ( not the inlaws themselves.) It sounds bizarre that they would be invited! Playing second fiddle is never a nice experience in my view.
Allow yourself to feel miffed.....but then move on and perhaps make your own plans for this year?

Daisymae Sun 17-Nov-19 17:24:25

Not unreasonable, but in the circumstances I would be inclined to make alternative arrangements. You have helped them in the past, but don't expect them to feel obligated. You did what you did to help them and it's worked out well. They must now forge their own way. Don't worry about it though, these things happen and least said soonest mended. Arrange to see them another day, maybe an invitation for afternoon tea or something?

seasider Mon 18-Nov-19 00:46:48

Thanks everybody. I won't hold a grudge but I think my partner would have liked to spend Christmas Day with his son as we spend alternate years with my adult children and grandchildren.
We have already been asked by good friends to go for Christmas dinner and we will have a fab day as they are great hosts. I saw my stepson today and I think he feels awkward about the situation but I suspect his fiance makes all the decisions!

annep1 Mon 18-Nov-19 06:03:01

I would be hurt too. But there's no point in having a row about it. Your stepson seems to be aware of how you must be feeling.
I would however issue an early invitation for next year. And certainly let them know that you are no longer available this year.

Sara65 Mon 18-Nov-19 07:03:26

We’ve had all kinds of Christmas’s over the years, with various family members in various homes and hotels. I don’t think I’ve ever looked back and thought, well that was a lovely Christmas! We now spend Christmas Day on our own, and I love it, everyone is welcome on Boxing Day, but Christmas Day is ours.

seasider Mon 18-Nov-19 07:03:58

Ha yes annepl I will . To be fair I had an inkling our friends would invite us but if invited we would have put family first particularly as it's their first time hosting. Next year it will be me or my daughter doing Christmas dinner and, as always , they will be invited.

polnan Mon 18-Nov-19 10:19:48

I completely understand.. but we have to deal with this..

how? dunno.... just think on,

I take the view that we, (who are we?) have made too much of Christmas Day,, have we forgotten the reason for it?

deep sighs

Craftycat Mon 18-Nov-19 10:20:08

I do understand why you feel a bit left out but it is only a day. You can have a lovely time with them another day.
I was upset the first time my DS & DDiL decided to have Christmas day in their own home wit their 3 young children when they had always come to us for the big day along with his brother & children- I loved having all the DGC together. However I then remembered that my Ex & I had Christmas day with just the children when they were young & just enjoyed aa lovely family day with no pressure to DO anything we didn't want to do. We saw family in Boxing Day.
It's the getting together that counts not the date you do it.
Have fun!

Maremia Mon 18-Nov-19 10:25:59

Fourormore has a great solution. Seasider, decide on your own plan, make a clear statement about what you are going to do. Don't wait to be invited as second best.

Witchypoo Mon 18-Nov-19 10:30:22

On my own for first time last year. A friend invited me in the end as no family invite. Not heard from family for this year so expect to be on my own. May contact the salvation army. Being a widow is hard. Cant invite here as home too small.