Christmas Lunch

No! I was actually told by my son that it is primarily a visit for A to see her family! It really is beyond belief isn’t it? Not just me being grumpy?

Don't they stay near or with you at all during the three weeks?

Lived 14 hours flight away for last 5 years that should have said

To make it more difficult they have lived a 14 yr flight away, coming for 3 weeks over Christmas, 3 hours drive from me and I’ve been invited up for a day before Christmas. If it wasn’t for wanting to see newest grandchild I wouldn’t go! Obviously I will as don’t want to not see my son but will be finding it hard keeping it together and sucking it all up.
In-laws have already recently spent 6 weeks with them when newborn arrived.
Bitter and twisted? No not me at all....

No, YANBU.

"How sharper than a sepent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."

After all you did for them they are being at best thoughtless.

Still, that's humanity for you. The only thing to avoid a complete breach is to 'suck it up' as they say. No one will forgive you for the slights they make you. The more in the wrong they are, the more they will be resentful. Make the best of Christmas Day and see them some other time over the holiday.

Thank you. My son could say something though and I also think her parents are thoughtless. My dil sister also does the same so that’s another set of in-laws who never see their grandchildren over the holiday period

Storynanny that is terrible. DiL is so selfish. You're very good to have said nothing all this time.

Split with my partner last year just b4 Xmas, the children opened pressies with me b4 a few hours with their dad whilst I cooked, came back in time for meal and spent rest of the day travelling to spend with the rest of my extended family. They spent the day with their father on boxing day as its also his birthday. I'm sure this year will be the same, life is hard enough and Xmas shouldn't be made out to be any other special day (too commercialised) unless you really devoted to God. Be happy that he's happy and hope they are thankful that you have helped them on the property ladder xx

I need some advice and reassurance. My son and his girlfriend have separated and neither one will talk to us about why. They have a 3year old son who we have regular contact with. I am so upset for all of them. I am also shocked because they had recently got engaged and had moved into a beautiful rented house. They were finally in a position to save for their own home and everything seemed to be going well. Then, suddenly out of the blue, I’m informed by my son through messenger, that they are separating and he doesn’t want to talk about it. I have appealed to both of them to talk to us but to no avail. She and I have a close relationship but she is shutting me out, even though she knows how gutted I am and how frantic I feel about my grandson’s future. All I need is to be able to understand why it’s all gone so wrong. If it’s a personal thing, then I will understand. All they need to do is tell me that. Any ideas?

I hope Seasider finds an enjoyable way to spend Christmas without worrying if she might or might not be invited to her SS.

She has another offer from a friend.
And IMO should take it and refuse to be "on call" down the line if SSs A-list can't make it.

I hope Seasider finds an enjoyable way to spend Christmas without worrying if she might or might not be invited to her SS. She may feel very awkward if she is finally invited for Christmas and everyone knows she is a second choice guest.

Last year was the best Christmas I had had for years. I “rented” a lovely old 4 bedroom “cottage” from a dear friend so I could spend 3 nights with my partner, my 15 yr old GD who has lived with me forever, my DS and DiL plus their very loveable 5 year old. My Son & DiL offered to do virtually all the meals, except breakfast, as long as I entertained my GS, which I happily agreed to. We had a great time, ate well, enjoyed helping GS with his new toys and playing board games together each evening. In January my 15 yr old GD decided to go and live with her mum (my daughter) hundreds of miles away (which hasn’t turned out well). Then in June my DS and family “emigrated” to Holland, also several hundreds of miles away. So this year it will just be the 2 of us dozing in front of the TV and saying little. He doesn’t enjoy Christmas and isn’t interested in going anywhere! What a difference a year makes!

I can understand. It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth for you.
I posted on here years ago about always being left out of Christmas visits by my eldest son. Well that has now increased to the last 14 years when he has chosen to go to girlfriend/ wife parents instead as “ that’s what A wants to do, I want to be with A so that’s where we are going “
I’ve had to work really hard at “ letting it go”
I think it’s rude, never treated my parents or in-laws like that but he is an adult of nearly 40 so I’ve decided not to complain
Even more disappointing for me is that there are now 3 grandchildren who always spend the whole of the holiday period with nanny no 1!
My step daughters and grandchildren are appalled.
They lost their mum as children and want to give him a shake!
Rant over, everyone is different, he is a grown man making his own decisions.
It’s still upsetting though

Thanks everybody for your comments. I fully appreciate we are luckier than those spending Christmas alone . As stated before we have been invited to lunch by our close friends and we know we will have a great day. DP would be happy to just sit at home and watch tv but DS and I like a more lively day . Have a great day everybody whatever you do x

No you are not being unreasonable to be feeling miffed, or thoroughly pissed off with the pair of them. Trouble is you've been generous and understanding in the past and it now appears they are taking you for granted. They appear to assume you won't mind but you do. I don't know your family dynamics so no advice, in our family we all say how we feel so no one is left feeling miffed but unable to say so. I think I'd tell them not to worry we're staying at home and I'd treat myself to every treat I obviously deserve, so treat yourself and have fun, be miffed but rise above it. You deserve better.

jillybird no reason that OP should consider herself 'used and dropped'. Remember we are only hearing one side of the story.

I know from my own family that the truth behind most slights is usually a misunderstanding or a misinterpretation of something that had been, casually discussed and the two parties had left with completely different ideas of what conclusions had been reached. And I am sorry, but I would consider myself pathetic if I ended up walking round with tears streaming down my cheeks. My response would always be to grit my teeth and make the best of a bad situation.

There’s an old quote that springs to mind “If you love someone, set them free...”.. Just as you developed your own routine at the start of your life together, they are beginning their own journey and this is their first Christmas. You’ll no doubt recall that you didn’t always get it right yourself, just as, in your opinion, they haven’t this year. I’m not a grandparent but have two adult children, one of whom will be working throughout (240 miles from us) as a paramedic. We’ll miss her, of course, but her choice to work to allow others with children to not have to do so represents exactly the kind of behaviour we tried to foster through freedom and support, rather than constraint and judgement.

Been 'virtually' on my own for years ...late husband HATED Christmas and last year, even though I knew it would be our last because of his illness, he never even spoke to me on Christmas day ….never ate his dinner (liquidised as he had swallowing problems) and went to bed at 6/00pm I watched TV ...never bothered me ! This year I was, yes, I was, looking forward to taking a Christmas break abroad and had almost booked it when some friends insisted I spend the day with them ...I did say No, it is a family day, but they have been so kind to me during the past two years and so I have found it difficult …I made all kinds of excuses but none were accepted ...so I have to go ! I KNOW how kind it is of them, so I shall go, and appreciate it ….unfortunately they will NOT allow me to pay for anything so I am going to have to come up with some thing to thank them ! I have booked a holiday for new year ……..so it is only ONE day ...I picked up a leaflet today in the Salvation Army charity shop asking for volunteers for Christmas ...something I would have been keen to do. Other charities also need volunteers to help serve lunch ….those for elderly people who don't want to be alone on Christmas day, perhaps a local church ….enjoy the day, whatever you do …..

I would have thought you should come before "friends". My daughter and I discussed this last year and jointly agreed that they would bring the grandchildren to us Christmas morning then they could go home and enjoy the rest of the day to themselves. We could also relax just having to worry about our own Christmas dinner, I've cooked for everyone from before they got married so was glad of the break to be honest and they don't feel awkward where they feel obliged to come to us or cook dinner.

My DGC live round the corner, over the years have had many kinds of Christmas. Due to illness in SiL family last year it was breakfast with Nan I loved it no getting dressed up all over by 11am. DH and I had our special meal Christmas eve. We spent Christmas day with new jigsaw, watching a film or two or three,me with new book him nodding in chair.Put food on covered plates in garage on top of freezer help yourself time. GS birthday on 26th so round there for cake and gifts.
Worked so well same thing this year

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

The unreasonable aspect is telling the OP they are "on call" if their first preference guests fall though

That is absolutely not okay.

It is okay to say we are busy with other people this year. Not okay to put OP on the back burner as a boobie prize

Yes....you have every right to be miffed. You housed them for several years...asked for practically no housekeeping yet their first Xmas they ask the girlfriends parents who have done very little apparently to help them. I would feel miffed. It’s nothing to do with it only being one day. To all intents and purposes, you housed them and fed them, provided them with laundry facilities all for 25 quid a week for a year yet they do not feel it’s appropriate to show their gratitude by inviting you to Christmas Day. I would thank them for their almost invite and tell them it’s not a problem, you will instead spend Christmas with the other child you financially facilitated for three years instead as they are more aware of filial duty! Good luck....don’t let them got away with not being aware of what they have done.

I wouldnt mind NOT being invited but I WOULD mind being told I was "B list" to maybe be invited if their preferred guests cant make it!

I would make other plans..

Due to a confusion over who's inviting whom, we now have 27 people on Christmas Day. Bit of a 'mare but there you go. It's fine.

Can we be a bit more grown up about Christmas though? Being 'miffed' about one damn meal in the year is really pointless and such a waste of mental energy.

Bloomin’ eck! I’m glad we have no family here and many people have said ‘we are lucky’ no to. Well, we do have a son, in Oz - too far to come for Christmas Day. Some might say we are miserable - so be it. I hope Gone with the Wind is on tv - box of chocolates, glass of wine, great. Enjoy your own company and do what you want.