My husband won’t move near our son

I’m struck by you saying that your DS usually asks for you both to move nearer through you? I wonder if your DH is feeling a bit two against one and is digging in?

As your DH has always lived and worked in the one community it would be a big change for him. You don’t say whether you have both discussed your retirement plans - how does he see his retirement?

Long marriages can become so comfortable that we stop really talking and listening. If he isn’t really hearing your anxiety you need to have some more discussion so that he really understands what you feel and equally you need to understand his views too - then you need to begin to plan together.

Don’t make your DS the third person in your marriage - it’s unfair!

Why did your son move?
What if he moves again?

You both want different things.
Neither are wrong but you need to come to some form of compromise.

The reality may be that this could end your marriage.

O dear.
I , only child, moved a long way away from my family, and thought my parents would eventually follow, near to grandchildren, lovely safe part of the country etc. My mother desperately wanted to come, my father flatly refused even when she was ill and he could not look after her, and nothing I said or did would budge him. They died in a nursing home, with me driving 170 miles every two or three weeks, which didn't concern him at all.
Your husband is scared of change, and I don't think he will move.
It isn't fair on your son and it isn't fair on you, but I don't hold out much hope unless you go on your own. Actually, 40 miles is nothing.

40 miles is nothing - I have colleagues who commute more than that each way Whst is your husband worried about? It can be expensive to move, your son could move again, perhaps your husband likes the way you’ve got your house looking, or perhaps he’s happy with the life and amenities and friends he has where you live. You’re not unreasonable to want to discuss it but a move is a big step and you have to both want to do it.

There is no right or wrong here, even though you state your reasons for moving your husband has his for staying.

I do not know the answer you both just want different things.

It isn't that pressing at the moment , no one is allowed to move , quit fretting and relax

40 miles is nothing in the grand scheme of things! Apron strings.........

What Aggie said

Moving is put on hold.

We were going to move nearer to our son and his family but luckily couldn't find a house that we liked enough to make the move.

So glad we didn't move because they separated a few months ago.

As others have said 40 miles is nothing

I would be on my knees offering prayers of thanksgiving if I lived 40 miles away from my grandchildren. Our parents never lived so close, nor did my grandparents. It is barely an hour by car, really not far for either you or your son to travel.

If you moved near your son. How often would you actually see him, may be once or twice a week? What would you do in the rest of your time? Do you have friends there? Do you have interests and activities there that will occupy your time or groups you would be happy to join.

Sometime ago I worked for Age UK visiting people at home. I came across so many couples, widow/ers, who had moved to live near their children, who looked in once a week if they were lucky but otherwise the parents found themselves stuck in a new place, with no friends, sometimes with health problems and unable to get out, miserable depressed and saying they wished they had never moved from a place where they had roots in the community, friends and interests.

I think your DH is the wise person in this set-up.

Thank you for all your comments , just wanted to say my son moved away when he remarried and to be near his business, he doesn’t speak to his Dad sbout moving as he feels it is a decision he must make .
As for apron strings it’s not about cutting them he is his own man, but he and his wife feel that as we get older we should be nearer So that they can help us more. Our life at the moment is quite solitary due to the after effects of what happened in the past. Were we to move we hsve his in-laws who are our great friends .

I can understand them wanting you to be nearer but less than an hour is quite close I think. Do you know why your husband won’t speak about his reasons for not wanting to move?

He just doesn’t want to move, he has never even worked out of the small town we live in, and he thinks 40 miles IS a long way sadly

M0nica thank you for your wise words

ruthiek you have my sympathy. Living in a place where you have experienced bullying is horrendous. I know because it happened to my daughter when she was a teenager and we did actually move. Even now, twenty years after the events, she still doesn’t feel comfortable visiting that town.

Instead of approaching your husband about the move, are you able to talk to him instead about your feelings and ask him for constructive advice that offers an alternative to moving? Maybe explain that, in addition to being nearer your son, moving is an important option to consider for you because of the effects of the past bullying on your well being.

Perhaps you could also suggest revisiting the idea in 6 months to a year? Do you both still work?

Sirchenjin yes we both still work but we are looking at retiring as we are well over age !

If you’re still working and your DH feels that 40 miles away is too far then that’s one heck of a commute for him. Would he be prepared to at least discuss it once you’ve both retired, do you think?

@M0nica
Thank you for making the points about what often(?) happens when older parents move near to their adult children.

I could have this quandary as both my sons, wives and children live across the country. It's been mentioned.

For several years I've had quite immobilising health problems, so moving was not an option.

But this horrid Covid business has really shown me something wonderful: although I've been a physical wreck and mostly housebound since I moved to this large village 5yrs ago, I've somehow made a great bunch of really kind friends, good neighbours and helpful contacts.

Without them, right now I wouldn't be eating nor tending my nether regions in a civilised way! Or having a laugh, listening to their problems and vice versa, keeping up with our little world here. I can call any one of them at any time (not that I make a habit of that) and know I'll be given a warm welcome and, if needed, a helping hand.

I have a dear DIL with whom I get on well and, similarly I'm close to my other son in a different way. And of course, my much adored GC.

It would be a big wrench to move and leave my friends and cut the roots that I've put down here. I could easily make new, good friends in a new community and new roots. But, you're right, @M0nica, I doubt I'd see much of my sons.

And that's their loss. In many ways the loss would be mine if I moved near to them - even though I love them dearly.

@ruthiek It sounds to me like the move could be beneficial all round except from the current perspective of your DH. How kind of your son and his wife to think about how they can look after you both as you get older.

It gets harder and harder to up sticks and start all over again as time goes by so I can imagine that there's a bit of a time crunch here.

I don't know what to suggest that might be helpful, but I know I wouldn't give up!

Monica's information would have been so helpful to me when we moved to be near DS and the GC. They live very busy lives and we fit in when possible. We left friends and the familiar. Almost on arrival, I developed a neurologic disease so getting out is very difficult, driving is impossible. Had we not moved I truly believe we would have been far less isolated with lifelong friends around. Visits from Mr DS would have been far better. Good wishes in coming to the decision that is right for you.

have you shared with your husband how much the bullying at work affected you, to the extent that you now fear to go out.
does he really understand this.
is moving away the only solution to you being able to go out again. eventually, of course, when we are all allowed to do so.

If you’re both still working you are still quite young Do you really want to be on your sons doorstep so he has to ‘look after’ you as you get older I can’t bear the thought of my children having to ‘look after me’ so 40 miles would seem perfect Not too far in an emergency but far enough so that you’re not impinging on his life
As parents I think we need to stay as independent as possible and 40 miles is an excellent space The thought of being a burden would make me want to jump in the river
I agree with Monica and your husband to stay where you are You say you no longer work with the bullies so think deeply as to whether you are using that as a reason to persuade your husband that you need to be nearer your son and family I think you need to stay independent 40 miles is an hour away ....perfect

I think ruthiek that the really big issue is the bullying. You say:
I am desperate to move as I was bullied quite badly in my previous workplace and have become afraid to go out

Surely you have talked to Mr Ruthiek about this? I think it needs addressing if you are to be happy. Would you consider councelling if you haven't had this type of help already?

The 40 miles (as others have said) is really not far at all - and in my opinion, not worth moving for - but the bullying issue could easily affect you for years to come.

Did Mr R support you through it? If so he must have seen the effect on you. I think you need a heart-to heart about that issue first, and then later a good long conversation about how you each envisage retirement.

Try to put the moving idea to one side for now, at least until you have discussed a retirement plan. You may then find he would move out of the area for you. If he doesn't understand fully about the bullying he may perceive it as an "excuse" to move to be near your son. Maybe you could discuss moving anywhere for a new start? That would help him realise the impact on your daily life this bullying has made.