My husband won’t move near our son

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I could understand it if you were both happy where you currently live but you are not because of the awful people who bullied you. You could move and start a new life for both of you. It’s a difficult one though obviously. Perhaps sit down and explain to your husband how you really feel and ask what his reasons are for staying. If you have a relaxed, no pressure and non argumentative conversation perhaps you could come to a mutually agreeable decision. Good luck xx

Have you told your husband about the bullying and how this has made you feel? As in actually sat down with him and talked (men can be very bad at listening, especially if they are distracted by anything else). It must be horrible to be feeling pressured by the possible encounter with those who have bullied you and I can understand why you want to move away from that situation. Forty miles isn't far to move realistically, and if being where you are is making you so unhappy it could impact your health and wellbeing so, if a move is possible it should be something you both explore the pros and cons of. To just bluntly refuse to consider the idea isn't helpful. It could be that your OH feels it might make you dependent on your son and he doesn't want to put that burden on him. Someone else mentioned that, perhaps, your son might want or need to move in the future, if that is at all possible then would you be willing to upsticks and move again? Would your OH consider a move elsewhere so that you are not near those who bullied you? Maybe draw a 40 miles circle around your son's address and see what options you might have? Final thought - have you had any help with how you feel about being bullied? Sometimes people find counselling useful.

People don’t budge unless there is something in it for them. You are the one who wants to move. That isn’t a good enough reason for him to upend his life. Furthermore the kids left you both and now want you to move closer for their ultimate convenience. That was their decision then—not yours. Your husband probably never had any desire to leave his hometown just because his son did. Unless you come up with a reason that would want to make him move, you might be stuck until there is a health crisis.

From the range of replies, it’s clear that there’s no “one size fits all” solution.
Clearly there can be pitfalls to moving, but unless you are in possession of a crystal ball, there’s no way to see the future.
If your son’s marriage is solid and he has a local safe job and they both want to stay in their present location, who can say that anything will change?
If the opposite is true, then again, who can say what will happen.
40 miles can be a doddle of a journey or a nightmare depending on whether you drive, have disabilities etc.
40 miles for your son could mean the difference between a once a fortnight visit and a regular drop by.
As many other wise people have suggested, use this time to draw up a list of positives and negatives for each of you, but do it together.
I think you need to analyse your reasons and needs until you’re certain what’s best for you. The same for him. Then discuss the compromises possible. If there are none, are you prepared to sacrifice your marriage? Would you regret breaking that up? Could you move without him?
On the face of it, it looks clearcut- you are unhappy in your home town, the move would be only 40 miles away, so still chance to keep in touch with local friends. You have family who want you to move and friends there already.
The only obstacle is your husband’s present state of mind. He’s settled and his fear of change is possibly blinding him to future needs. You can’t predict the future, but you can have a good guess at it, so start talking, discussing etc, thinking about both of you and your needs.

My husband said No to our son’s request too. Then he had a mild heart attack and I took the opportunity when discussing the future to mention it again!
We did it and he and I could not be happier Far more opportunities for my husband’s interests. I have met some fabulous new people and of course we see more of the young family. I got there in the end ??

40 miles is nothing for some but a difficult journey for others. My children have asked me not to move too far away when I get older, at the moment one lives about 5 miles away and works nearby, the other lives about an hour and a half motorway drive away. I've lived here for many years but still have a hankering to move back home, but, once Mum is gone I have no family there, and to visit either of them would mean a long journey, so thought that the best thing to do would be to stay put, I visit Mum [in normal times] for 5 or 6 days at a time or maybe a week, am lucky in that I do work from home. Neither child could do this with their job. When Mum is gone I can still visit the area, as a tourist. My inlaws lived a couple of hours on a good day journey in the car on the train, no buses in their area. My brother in law lived not far from us here, about 15 miles away. To help them meant either all weekend, or taking leave for him and his brother, and when a crisis happened, as crises do happen it was an absolute nightmare, they were reluctant to get in carers so it was a worry....life would have been so much better for them had they moved somewhere within easy reach of both their children, there is a town that many retired people live in about 15 minutes drive from BIL and us, someone could have seen them every day, most crises would not have happened. They would have seen all their family often and honestly life would have been easier for everyone. But even though they rarely went out, and wanted to stay for their friends, to be honest, those of their friends who were still alive couldn't visit and they turned down offers of help from the statutory authorities and friends on the grounds that their children were looking after them, they did not seem to realise how hard it made it for those children, who still needed to work. When MIL died and FIL HAD to be moved nearer he had so many more visitors and much happier life. It wasn't just one difficult year it was several, with crisis after crisis, and the strain on the distant children was horrendous. I had a difficult year when my dad was unwell but was able to visit and stay so while not ideal it was not nearly as bad as with the inlaws.
If you would make it difficult for your children like this, do seriously consider whether it would be best for everyone if you did move. It is obviously harder to move as you get older and frailer but it might be better even if it is later than ideal. And get yourself powers of attorney, if one of you develops dementia it is too late to do and going to the court of protection is a dearer way to do it and a harder way.
Everyone's situation is different, so no one can say do this do that to anyone else, but please consider what will happen, have crisis plans and do your best to protect yourself when you need help at whatever time in the future. 40 miles is not too far away in a one off crisis but if the situation becomes chronic it is a big strain on the person needing to do the visiting, it's not 40 miles is it it's 80 miles there and back. I have friends 40 miles away and usually when I see them it's an overnight stay. If the OP's son has a business it is perhaps unlikely that he will up sticks and go off elsewhere, but to be honest if at any point he does and you are not nearby there will not be much to keep him there.

It seems to be mainly a man-thing.

You should have maybe moved in with your son for a bit before we got this ban,just to 'test the waters' as it were- then maybe you& you're hubby could see what its like being apart first- too late now& you're stuck inside with him for goodness knows how long! Yes i can see loads of divorces going through after this enforced lock-in! Thank goodness i got mine years ago!( incidentally,was same,really,he suggested we move out of area,i sorted out a house,then in end he didn't want to move from where he'd been born& brought up! & we weren't even anywhere near pension age!)im glad i made the move,ive been happy here.

Hi ..It's difficult one but if even one of you works you won't see each other that often anyway . Evenings home from work - you cook , clean , watch TV . Obviously after this - could you meet up in the middle at a pub or restaurant say twice a month . People move around a lot for work . Imagine if he has to move again for any reason .

Everyone should be open to suggestions,dillyduck,or new adventures,its very narrow minded to not move or want to from the one place all your life,very 'child-like' in your view of the world!

Not even an hour really,it takes us 1 hour& 20 minutes to go 72 miles by motorway when i want to see rest of my family.(live with 2 youngest but thankfully one now drives) but yes,you sadly may have to make the move alone if its really what you want.depends wether youd be happier with or without you're hubby,or living the life you'd rather have? I think you know the answer,but you want us to 'give you permission' that its ok to want to do this?

Brother and SIL moved when they retired - about 10years ago - now very well settled and in the community but both say it was VERY hard work getting integrated at that age as most other people are well in their social routines........mind you all that is changing now!
Would DH consider taking a 6month rental in the area you want to go to? Then you could both - and son - see how it pans out......

My brother moved with his wife last year out of London at the age of 65 from the home he had lived in his entire life. His wife has been wanting to move for years to a home of their own with a garden, but he is a Londoner through and through and our family roots to the area go back at least 200 years and for his wife, persuading him to leave was like pulling teeth, but when their son moved to the Midlands he saw it was a place he could live with all the things that were important to him available (real ale pubs and country paths on the doorstep where he could continue his regular runs and a mainline station)so they have gone to the same town in the knowledge that even if their son moves away it is a place they can settle in. It also has excellent fast rail services to London so he is able to see his friends as regularly as he cares to. They are still adjusting to the changes but are happy they made the move and especially glad to have sold up last year and not be in London during this pandemic. I feel you need to talk to your husband and tell him how unhappy you are. Check out travel links. Would he consider a trial? Like renting a house for 6 months to see if he likes it?. Or you taking a short term rental alone. It would make him realise how serious you are. They say it is the over 60s who make up the largest proportion of divorces now and you can see why. We only have one life. If you can't do that and he really won't budge at least you have the knowledge that if he dies before you you WILL be moving and with noone to prevent you.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think not feeling happy in your home town is important and your son and wife sound very kind...Is your husband not affected by the bullying you experienced? does he stay in? You have my full sympathy and I hope - (in about a year!) you will manage to move nearer your son. You are being totally reasonable.

I can speak from the other perspective. I moved 70 miles from home to find a job specific to my training. I was an only child and 2 years later my retired and somewhat introverted parents moved to be nearer me. Thank God they did. They enjoyed a far greater social life with my soon to be husband's family and when my Dad died 12 years later I was on hand to support my Mum who at only 63 was suffering from dementia. By this stage I had three young children and could not have coped with caring from 70 miles away. Good luck in your decision and stay safe and well in our present troubles.

Marjgran, yes it's a long journey when unwell and disabled, I think I only saw my FIL twice last year because of it, which makes me very sad. I've seen him once since Christmas, for my granddaughter's 1st birthday, but he stayed overnight with us so we did share some time together. If he was closer it would be so different. I had to move with my husband's work 35 years ago and in doing so left my parents 500 miles away, at that time I could still travel easily so we'd see them a couple of times a year but as the years went by that changed too and it was at stage when I could only cope with visiting my mum once a year, I didn't get to see her in the 11 months before she died but it couldn't be helped, we spoke daily until she went into hospital for what was to be her final 6 weeks, that was a dreadful time but heavy, prolonged snow also played its part in not letting us travel to visit her, she passed away in early hours of the day we were going to travel to see her, life can be very cruel at times but it couldn't be helped. At least we all got there for the funeral as the weather had then improved. At least my DH can go to see his Dad now and again but I don't think people appreciate how exhausting it is for him to be my carer, in addition to being my husband, and working, also being a very involved Granddad to 2 little children, one with health issues, and being a supportive son from 40 miles away; it's a case of so near and yet so far, these things vary according to our individual needs. The previous 30 mile journey didn't seem far when we were young and my health wasn't of so much concern, that different route and extra mileage, the change in our circumstances, now make it extremely difficult. It could've been so different but it isn't so we just have to work with how things are.

Men as a rule do not like change, but if you are all for going, then you really need to sit down and talk.
What are his thoughts.
Are your fears real, do you need counselling.
If you did move and then your son moved away again, where does that leave you.
For a start, you are away from your present location, and if it is a perfect as you think, it would be a wonderful new start for you both. You would not be scared to go out and make new friends.
40 miles is a long long way if you have bad health or are unable to drive or have public transport.
I agree with other posters : discuss this now, whilst you cannot move.
Go down there for a week or so when you can.
If the advantages are all you say, that may be what sways him. Or it might end your marriage.
Could you afford to go then if it is just you?
Personally l would give moving a go, l would want to enjoy my retirement, not just exist in fear.

Moving at our time of life can be very difficult, as it is harder to make friends now than it was when we were young.

I have moved around a lot in my adult life, but I can well understand that your husband who has literally lived in the same place all his life is reluctant to move. I would be too, if I had lived in the same town all my life.

Your son ought to talk to his father, explaining why he would like you both nearer to him. He is being unfair leaving you to broach an unpopular subject to his father.

What would happen, do you think, if you move to where your son is, settle down and he then moves away?

What will you do, if you move, and your husband dislikes the new place?

A more important consideration is that you don't like the place you are living in. Can some of the problems you mention be resolved?

Retirement can be difficult to adjust to - now would be the time to try and take up some new hobbies that you will be able to give more time to when you do retire.

Try to ignore the people who bullied you earlier . They may be prominent, but that surely doesn't mean you need to do more than say good day in passing, if you meet them.

I had a friend who moved to be near her son. He hardly called in, his wife only occasionally. My friend, had no friends there. Eventually she moved back to the village she had moved from. At least we could still visit her on a regular basis. she was much happier but no longer had her own house and was only able to afford a small flat in a community home. So she lost a lot of amenity.

I’ve had this from a different angle. Several years ago we moved as dh had a new job. My mum decided she would like to move to be near us an sold up, said goodbye to friends and neighbours and bought a lovely cottage in our new village. All was well until, later that year dh was offered a fantastic promotion with a generous relocation package to Scotland. (We were in Hampshire). What could we do? Mum was still settling in and knew no-one. So, after much heart searching he turned it down and we stayed. I think he resented Mum for the rest of her life for his lost opportunity.

40 miles is only nothing if you can drive or there's a direct train link. And we have to stop driving sometime.

Look at your future needs. Are you walking distance from shops and dr? If you're out in the sticks, at 75(?) surely you'll need to move somewhere anyway.

What when one of you needs fulltime care? How will the other one get there?

Hang in there - I decided I wanted to be near my daughter who is 60 miles away (not that far but too far to be able to drop in for a coffeee....). My husband was really not keen, didn’t want to leave our home, where we live etc. After six months of discussions and some sensible suggestions he has done a complete about turn and is now keen to go. I hope it all works out for you.

We wanted my parents to move (160 miles) near us when Mum was ill with Alzheimer's and Dad was struggling to cope. They refused.
Mum died and after being ok for three months Dad went downhill rapidly, didn't look after himself and ended up in a care home.

Finally he agreed to move here eighteen months ago (he was 87).
He has an extra-care apartment 15 minutes from us and help on tap if he needs it.
He enjoys exploring new places and coffee shops locally, and is beginning to make friends.
He comes out with us socially.
We see him once a week normally (we're both still working) but are only minutes away if he needs us. Today for example my husband will drop Dad's food shopping off when my Tesco order arrives this evening.

He's said several times he's in the best place and is glad he's moved.

A two hour round trip might not sound like much now, but will become more of an issue in years to come.

I also think that the workplace bullying is a big issue for you. Do you still work among those people? This period of isolation might help to put things into perspective, and give you time to figure out what to do. Hope it works out.