Women who want a divorce but don't want to lose the lifestyle

paddyanne, I don't know any SAHM's who sat on their bum when their children were at school. These SAHM's are the ones that make school trips possible, who are classroom helpers, who raise extra funds while the other parents are at work. I'm not going to get into SAHM vs. Working Mum battles because everyone has to do what works for them best, but I've never known a SAHM that wasn't busy doing for her family in some way, even if all the kids were at school. It's a pity it's such an undervalued role. I do think it is good for a woman to keep herself employable because life is unpredictable. In my work I come in contact with a lot of mothers and always make sure I affirm the value of the work they do with their children and families.

Why didn't they work throughout their marriages to provide for themselves? I dont understand any woman who wants to be kept unless there are health reasons she cant work .SAHM 's included in that ,once children are at school theres no excuse to sit on your bum and hold your hand out for cash .I do know a few like that and have no respect for them

it does sound a little odd.
as if they can't bear to contemplate life without access to the holiday cottage.
shows how riches can drag you down, i guess
if she prefers it, maybe she could ask for that house in any settlement. presumable there are two houses.
and doesn't it cut both ways.
the husbands are probably not feeling ecstatic either. may even feel used, trapped, with someone they have to support but whom they feel no closeness with.

They will leave when the discomfort of staying in the marriage is greater than the discomfort of leaving it.

I think it's a bit odd that 4 of the OP's friends have admitted to her that they stay with horrible husbands for the financial 'security' it gives them. There is nothing secure about living with a controlling partner, and TBH I think that most women I know would be embarrassed to admit that they were staying in a marriage for that reason.

Someone like Chewbacca who leaves with very little is very brave, and people who are leaving to live a life of certain poverty must be facing a very difficult choice; but in the case the OP describes there would probably be a settlement that would at least give a reasonable standard of living when supplemented with the woman's own salary or pension. She wouldn't have to leave with nothing, or if she did her lawyer would get a settlement down the line.

I’m sorry, Chewbacca, that must have been so miserable.

I think it's also the fear of making the change, of being the one to make the decision. The main thing I'd want to be sure of is some degree of financial security rather than luxuries like holidays and second homes.

Why would you stay in a horrible marriage just for the holidays etc? Surely you would not be enjoying them if the marriage was bad. Sorry but I think that’s a bit odd to be so attached to “ money”

Exactly Chewbacca what is important, possessions or peace of mind. I know which I chose.

Both partners will lose financially after a divorce. It is inevitable, as one set of assets is being divided between two people.

I agree that often it is men who end up with more, if the divorce happens after the children have grown up (before then, they often have to leave the family home so that there is continuity for the children), but that is changing as more women earn decent salaries in their own right, and only applies if the man is still working and the woman has been living off his earnings during the marriage and can't continue to do so when the marriage is over. Otherwise, assets tend to be split 50/50, regardless of contribution.

It is a luxury to be able to choose between divorce and a life where the bills are paid and there is access to a holiday cottage etc. I feel more sympathy for those who are stuck in poverty in a bad marriage.

In the case you describe there is clearly property (2 houses?) to be sold and divided, plus income or capital to which the woman would be entitled to a share, notwithstanding her own salary (or pension if she is older),so she is presumably in a position to make a fresh start, even though it might not be on as grand a scale as she is used to. Her husband will have to do likewise, so I'm not sure of the point you are making, really. Yes, it is sad when relationships break up, but the financial impact (which seems to be what the post is all about) will be shared between the two of them.

I was like your friend SueDonim; life was so miserable that I left a very comfortable home and lifestyle with just some clothes and a hairdryer and I went into a grotty little rented house for 3 yearswhilst I got back on my feet. I suppose it depends on what is more important; lifestyle and money or peace of mind and happiness.

Assuming they are not being coerced into staying in their marriages, if that’s the decision they’ve taken they’ll have to live with it, I suppose.

I have a friend who has left her marriage during the pandemic and is so glad to get away from her ex that she’s prepared to live in a hovel and eat beans on toast for the foreseeable, it had become so intolerable.