Family gatherings overload AIBU

Where does the idea come from that we shouldn’t have to do things we don’t want to do? If that applied to me I would have a grubby, untidy house and nothing decent to eat! It’s much better to be in the company of family or friends even for a short while as long as it’s safe in the current situation. Too many potential hermits on here and much worse since the pandemic. Self last, others first. This is how I was brought up and wish to behave.

I find a polite "that is most kind of you to invite me/us, unfortunately, on this occasion I/we must decline - and leave it at that. I found over the years people finally get the message and stop asking.
Another useful ploy is the family/friendship gossip, mention in passing that you find parties/family gatherings difficult to cope with and would rather not be invited. You can be sure the message will go round like wildfire. You should however be prepared for the inevitable comeback question for confirmation "yes, I am not comfortable in social gathering and tend to avoid them as much as possible".

I think that you should be glad that the family wants to include you in their get-togethers. There are so many people who are estranged, and never see their relatives.

Having said that, it's up to you whether you accept the invitations, but I certainly wouldn't refuse them all. Explain your situation to the family, and just accept a few for the quieter occasions.

That way you will keep your connections, but not feel overwhelmed by too much socialising.

My sister in law doesn't really enjoy long family gatherings, she goes along to them but sets a time limit on staying and is usually the first person to leave - but everyone knows and accepts that she doesn't want to stay for hours on end and it is not a problem, we/they are just pleased to see her. Why don't you do the same with the invitations from your sister in law? Reply saying that you will be attending but that you will have to leave at xx time. Stick to it and it will become a routine and then you can decide whether to continue or decide to gently decline some invitations altogether.

I wonder what your husband thinks. I wonder if he would willingly attend your family events if you have them? Does he really just feel "obliged" to attend or does he want to attend and uses obligation as an excuse to get around your reluctance. I think it would be quite reasonable to say that you no longer intend to attend every event but he is welcome to go if he wants. Perhaps only attend the occasional smaller gathering to do that give and take bit that happens in marriages but leave the big stuff to him.
My daughter suffers from social anxiety and we always ensure there is a place for her to escape when it all becomes overwhelming if she chooses to attend. Over the years I have learned not to force the issue because the resentment builds up and causes more problems than her company would warrant. My DIL is the same and until it was explained to us, we thought she was very stand offish. Now we know, we completely understand and don't take it personally. Her ability to attend her own family gatherings is obviously based on a level of comfort she can cope with based on familiarity and that's ok too.

So why do you read gransnet if you have no children and don’t even seem to like them ?!

Never do anything you don't want to do. I, on the other hand, rarely turn down free food!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well everyone is different. I go out as often as I can, just had a long weekend at Potters holiday camp and soon my partner and I are off to Warner’s for four nights. As previous posters have said, just say no. But IMO life is too short to lock yourself away. I might add that I have just got engaged to my 77 year old gorgeous man and we intend to make the most of the rest of our lives

Oh dear- I think it is a very kind thing that your SIL is doing and should be taken in that context. I'm sure that she is very aware that you lead quiet lives but would be concerned about hurting your feelings by not inviting you. Why don't you just telephone, thank her for the invite, have a nice chat with her and just say you won't be with them in person and could someone Facetime or Zoom for 5 minutes so you can say hello to your family. That doesn't upset anyone then.

I think, if I were you, I would be offended if not invited to a family get together. However, I do sympathise with your finding these gatherings difficult. Why not just say that you are grateful for the invitation but, your Menieres makes these group activities uncomfortable. That way you can duck out quietly without giving offence to your sister-in-law?

Holidays of your choosing and social gatherings with friends who "get" you is different to family gatherings (more so if not your family) so I don't see what's difficult to understand. I would much rather go out for a meal/drinks with my friends than go to a family party with in-laws. Children's parties are aweful when you are older and your kids have grown up so I definately would decline those. As for some people never getting invited to family gatherings and feeling left out that dies not negate the feelings of people who, like the OP, feel forced to go. Can never understand those that have to make posters feel bad because their situation is the opposite of someone else's problems?

Dear Nagmad2016
You have no children, you suffer medical conditions, you live far from your extended family by choice. Please refuse all invitations and be truethful. Say you like your own company and do not like getting together with loud family members. I am sure your extended family are just being polite by inviting you. I am sure they do not want a grumpy, sick relative sitting on the sidelines of their party. I had always assumed this site was for grandparents.

May I ask the OP if she has ever sought any help with the social anxiety? I understand from others that’s it’s a disabling and thoroughly unpleasant problem. In my later years I would certainly try to combat it. Meditation, counselling and medication may all be helpful and think what a difference it would make to someone’s life to be free of this. I myself have sought help for another mental health issue and am so glad that I did.
I’m fortunate to have a strong and happy marriage to my DH2. However my DH1 died shortly after my 40th birthday. Sometime later I met DH2 who had also been widowed. We both know how awful and lonely this is and I would advise anyone to maintain all their relationships with family and friends as well as they can.

Before we had grandchildren we were invited to a kids Halloween party. It was awful for us. We weren't used to the noise and mayhem of little children. Now we have 4 grandchildren i happily go to their parties because I've had time to get used to small children. However a friend of my husbands recently asked us to a barbecue and he has little kids. I really didn't want to go and husband went alone. At 68 I am old enough to say when I don't want to do something. I too have a few health issues.

I sympathise with Nagmad 2016, I often go to things with my Husband for the sake of peace in the home, I often say I dont want to go to various things,but then there is a row, so I reluctantly go, and have to admit most times I do enjoy myself,but being forced into anything is not pleasant. Dont go because of the vius risk, they will understand I am sure

My hubby is one of eleven children so there is always so much emphasis on "the family" and get togethers which I hate. I thought I was the only one who fel like this. Reading your post and the comments has been very reassuring that I am not the only one who feels like this so thanks

Why not take a deep breath, come (half) clean, thank them for thinking of you over the years but explain that you no longer enjoy loud gatherings for the medical reasons you’ve given? We’ve had honest responses from friends who “don’t do parties” when we’ve invited them and we’ve been glad of their honesty - who would want guests who don’t want to be there?!

If as you say you have nothing in common and find their company tiresome, the feeling is probably mutual and they’ll be relieved that they don’t have to keep involving you.

The difficulty may be that if you tell SIL that you feel anxious she'll just dismiss it with, "Oh don't worry, you'll be all right," as she can't see inside your head and feel your worry.

As has been mentioned I think it best to say that you'll go if you feel up to it but not to expect you. Then on the appointed day exaggerate your symptoms to DH and insist on staying put. It sounds like DH isn't listening and needs a strong talking to as well.

I think this is part of life whatever age you are but no, I don’t think you’re obliged to go to everything you’re invited to and family occasions are often stressful in comparison to being with friends (who after all, we actually choose). Why not go to a few but not all. Maybe your husband can go to a few on his own and you could just ‘not be able to make it’. Sometimes, you could politely turn down the invitation, and sometimes you could go, at least for a little while. It doesn’t matter what opinion the relatives have...you are able to make your own decisions but even though I know how awful it can be, I think perhaps it might be good to go to a few events.

Nagmad2016 I completely understand how you feel as I’ve been in that same position for years. Even as a child I hated parties and would never go to them and if my parents made me I’d promptly be there for 10 minutes and physically vomit because I felt uneasy being there. We marry the husband as far as I’m concerned NOT the whole family and wider circle of cousins etc. My husband has always been the type along with 3 of his 4 siblings who would go to the opening of an envelope! That includes funerals too. As I’ve got older (64) I’m now of the opinion I spend time with whom I want and not because it’s expected of me to tag along. Before anyone criticises me we all have the right to spend time with who we want doing what we want. I too have health problems and cannot dance due to disability nowadays nor do I drink, so find the parties a complete waste of time and energy which I don’t look forward to going too, they just fill me with dread. Why put yourself in that position? Nowadays as soon as we get an invite and if I don’t want to go I simply tell my husband to go on his own if it’s that important to him, which he’s now happy to do as opposed to dragging me along moaning and having to take me home early “not feeling well”. Of course I go to the ‘important’ events and funerals but not anymore than I feel I have too and it works out ok, he dances and apparently has a good time and I enjoy a night in on my own or go out with a friend for a quiet dinner And catch up. My advice is each to their own, we are not all party animals. One person’s idea of fun and family is not always everybody’s and as the saying goes ‘life’s too short’ to spend it with people who you might be related to through marriages but wouldn’t necessarily be friends with if you hadn’t married him! Why not sit your husband down and tell him and your SIL that you’re sorry but not going to put yourself especially in your current condition through anymore of these parties unless you’re feeling better, not to take it personally and he has your blessing if he wants to go alone.

Tell them you have dizzy spells there is nothing to be ashamed of. Put your foot down and say no to your husband. Stop being a martyr it is not good for you. Ménière’s disease is awful.

Just say no thanks we have a prior engagement/ commitment

At times family can be overbearing especially when your own life is totally different from theirs. Can understand with you having Menieres, anxiety issues why you find it difficult to go to party type gatherings. Just explain you find gatherings stressful, you feel you can't take part and that you may only accept invites to a few special occasions and hopefully enjoy them rather than just turn up and endure. If family doesn't like it then you know you have tried to be reasonable and let them get on with it without your attendance.

Why is is so difficult to say, in the nicest and most gracious way that, while you so appreciate the invitation, you are unable to attend. You may or may not want to give a reason eg. ill health, prior engagement, coronavirus, sick animals, flying saucers, whatever. Maybe send flowers, a hamper, wine etc as a contribution to the celebration. An invitation declined graciously is surely better than a resentful or reluctant attendance.

It's your life and up to you to spend your time how you choose. I do think as we get older it is one of the privileges of age to have those choices. Most of us have spent decades focussing on other people's needs. These later years are ours.