Parents/Grandparents Held Hostage

I am sorry, sugarpuff

Smileless and Starblaze. Thank you both

I do wonder what the children have been told and if they think Gran does not love them anymore or even worse if they are being told that they are the cause of Gran disappearing.

I know that the ADC and DGC are repeating word for word what my ex h used to say to me. He was refused any access at all but reappeared after the youngest was over 18. Needless to say he did not pay maintenance but is not telling the ADC that he was paying so much that he could not buy birthday or Christmas gifts.

ADC should have been wise enough to deal with his lies but apparently not. I could never get to see my ADC without the ex h also being there even being brought to my house along with ADC!

I now have a quiet life without constant criticism and ridicule. I miss the DGC and I miss the people my DCs would have been without ex h influencing them

You've described my domestic prowess to a T MissA!

I do think some grandparents enjoy being indispensable.
They're always rushing from place to place to pick up and drop off, then rushing home to cook dinner for 15, and delivering everyone's ironing on the way.

Illte,

Fully agree.

They can rent too.

Or the GP can call the AC's bluff and stop coming to their rescue. They can tell them to learn to live within their means.

The AC will manage. They will find a way to make it work.

It is not possible to want your cake and eat it too.

Sorry to hear that sugarpufffairy always sad when family relationships break down

That's very sad Sugarpuffairy. What an awful thing to do to you and the children.

It annoys me when an OP doesn't come back to their thread, even if just to acknowledge the diverse views. Like some of you, I think this poster had an agenda and is searching for information or a 'story'. Frankly, it's rude and discourteous.

Starblaze - I found that I was only even spoken to about the DGC times of arrival and times of pick and what has to be done while they were with me i.e. homework baths etc.
My ADC never spoke to me generally it was always about baby/child minding. I did not seem to have any choice other than put up with this and other unpleasant conduct from DCs or never see the DGC again.
Because I said NO once time through ill health the choice was made for me. I don't see any of them now.

Can't pay the mortgage? Buy a cheaper house. That's what my daughter did. Lived within budget. Took responsibility for their own lives like adults should.

If you keep on treating them like children, they'll behave like children.

Actually I think, for all the "being held hostage" it's what the grandparents really want - to go on being needed.

Oh dear. I'm a tough mother?

My cousin was married at 16, divorced at 19, and dumped her kids on her parents fulltime, so could go back to college. As if that were not enough she also parked them on her parents in the evenings and during school holidays. My mother always said she would not look after her grandchildren fulltime. I think too many selfish adult children see their parents as cheap childminders!

If an AC is putting undue pressure on their parent(s) and using their P's access to their GC to get their own way, there's no question IMO that it is the AC who is to blame.

To have to choose between having the grandchildren more than you can manage or want and not seeing them at all would be awful.

That whole bad relationship would have to be looked at really.

I'm not very good at saying no and probably not that good at expressing it if saying yes causes me issues. I'm sure others face that with their children and who is really to blame there? I think it would be me lol

Certainly comes across as blackmail Gingster I suppose some will say that they have a choice though.

See your son go into debt and risk losing his and your GC's home or at the ages of 78 and 86 pick up the mantle of child care.

My friends DS says if the GP can’t look after them, the wife won’t be able to work and they won’t be able to pay their mortgage. My friend is 78 and her DH is 86. Blackmail!

IMO it isn't a choice.

My eldest GD was born when I was 52, with lots of energy and the novelty of having a baby in the family. I looked after her a lot and loved it. I also looked after twin GS’s four years later(not on a regular basis) but helped out my DD a lot. Over the years I have had another 5 GC and I don’t have them very often but I still do love to see them if and when . I’m now 70 and although still fit and healthy, I have them when it suits me and no more. I’m not as energetic as I was and I think I’ve done my bit.

*there

Smileless2012

*Held hostage implies an adult has 0 choice in the matter and are forced to comply". If a GP realistically fears that if they don't comply, they wont be able to see their GC anymore, then they are being forced.

No
They are making a choice

The problem is that both choices are bad.

But their is a choice

I look after grandchild once a week but my daughter thought it was our right and I felt bullied into it .Also I still work over 70 but as a nanny so she uses that against me Even difficult to take I’ll son for a hospital appointment she moaned

Not in that situation with GC fortunately. I do have then occasionally during school holidays and enjoy that special time. What I can never figure out is why people have children then expect GP to be at their beck and call looking after them. Some people do enjoy taking on the role and that is fine, it's when there is an assumption the GPs will just want to do it. I would have liked more children but knew I couldn't afford them eg childcare, housing even a bigger car. Now it seems the monetary side of having children seems low in consideration and its all about personal fulfilment.

That should have been

Don't worry too much Jillybird . We only have one grandchild. We have always been a big part of her life. I worried when she went to uni that we wouldn't see her. She's 20 now and comes to see us whenever she can, sometimes bringing her lovely boyfriend

There's nothing desirable IMO about being forced into compliance or losing the relationship you have with your GC. I'm grateful it was never a choice I had to make.

Apart from the occasional trip away or time with friends all I want in my retirement is to spend time with the AC and GC. I’ve no interest in crafts, clubs or hobbies. When my DH retires this won’t change and he’s already aware of this.