Granddaughter not showing any acknowledgment nor volunteering help

You can't demand that the young woman does as you ask. However you would be doing her a favour if you calmly point out what people sharing a living space normally do.

Agree with Bluebell, so many posters here seem to relish the idea of a fight, show her who's boss, let her starve etc... Blimey O'Reilly... I want to remain a friend to my grandchildren, help them grow into kind and confident adults. As with toddlers, teenagers respond to gentle encouragement. If you smash into them head on don't be surprised if they have a melt down. The way to go is to help them be nice. A neutral setting is great for a chat about what she likes to eat, With a suggestion that perhaps she could help you make whatever it is occasionally. An appeal that you'd be grateful if she could help your older bones by doing xyz would be so much better for her self esteem than blatant threats and bossy rules... What teenager (or 60 plus year old in my case) likes being told what to do in a confrontational way? If she feels helpful and valued and like she's not a burden but is treasured I'm sure she will be a happier and nicer person to live with.

Bluerinse. If you see the headlines this week. Hoards of university students with no food or toilet paper. Strike while the iron is hot. Have her tidy her own room and cook a meal from scratch half the week. Plus doing her own washing ,ironing etc. There are good cook books in the shops for students on a low budget. It can only be beneficial for her in the long term. Uni doms dont look after them. Learning how to make a meal from very little is a lesson my mother taught me

Bluebelle All good points if lockdown is the reason

Seems to me the best thing would be to sit down and have a chat with her. Listen to her carefully, treat her as the age she is. Tell her you would appreciate some help and discuss what she could do that you would find helpful.

But all of that done within the context of any difficulties that she is dealing with at the moment, if it is the case that she is. On that, only you can decide what is best.

Once again a lot of GN posters jumping in without knowing all the facts. You have no idea what this 16 year old is going through. She may just need some time to adjust or she may have much deeper problems. I agree with BlueBelle this "old school discipline" isn't a good thing. It's especially interesting that there was a thread where teachers using "old school discipline" were blamed for causing harm and trauma, but apparently when GP do it, it's OK!!!

BlueBelle - Oh gosh how I hate to hear the make her do this make her do that old school discipline blah blah blah

Another soft touch or is it simply cannot be bothered. The result of which all too glaringly obvious.

Have you had a conversation about this? If not, she might not have a clue that her behaviour is upsetting you. If you have and she hasn’t at least made an effort then try not to let it get you down.

As a starting point, shift back to your normal eating habits and let her eat or not as she pleases. But say nothing, just clear away her plate at the end of the meal. Show her how to use the washing machine and leave her to it.

If you do the above in a friendly and non combative way, giving her a take it or leave it choice, then if she chooses to starve or walk around in smelly clothes, just let her do it,

Good post, Bluebelle

Oh gosh how I hate to hear the make her do this make her do that old school discipline blah blah blah Am I guessing she’s locked down with you because it’s convenient for school as you say her school is nearby suggesting that
I lived with my Nan when I was 16 and my grandad died to keep her company but I don’t remember doing much I certainly didn’t cook or clean Nan seemed to like ‘looking after’ me I guess it gave her something to do without my granddad around
Have her parents given you any guidance as to what she eats does etc at home She’s probably pretty miserable especially if she’s left siblings in the family home and the sixth form work is horrendous (I have a 6th form granddaughter and she’s had quite a few meltdowns)
Cut her some slack and be happy you have her with you for a short time she ll be gone to Uni before you can click your fingers

My (now married) daughter still criticises my meals, although she's only a visitor these days (well would be except for the circumstances).
Someone else said so long as she's eating you're OK.
Its fine to make an effort to give her food she likes, and to avoid food she dislikes, but I think you're trying too hard. She'll eat when she's hungry.
But, she does need to contribute towards household chores. Having got into out of helping for so long you're going to have to take a softly softly approach 'sitting someone down' and talking things over has never worked for me - can anyone truly say it's worked for them?
Start with something simple 'make me a cup while you're there' or 'can you get the dinnerplates out for me?' or 'just lay the table would you?'. Just one thing at a time.
Teenagers are naturally lazy as I'm sure you remember.
And honestly - does it matter if her room's in a mess?

Being a teenager is no excuse for bad manners and inconsiderate behaviour. She will never learn any better if you just put up with this.

Talk to her about this.

If there are one or two things she doesn't like, fair enough, but it sounds to me as if no matter what you place before her, she turns her nose up at it. I would suggest she either eats what you choose to give her, or cooks her own food.

She should help in the house and as a basic minimum do her own washing and ironing. If she is sixteen, she doesn't have to live with you, but can choose to live elsewhere if she doesn't like your rules.

Easy bee, I agree 100% with you. Why the majority of comments on here basically saying "suck it up"? You are helping and accommodating her. She should make more of an effort. Shows her own parents have spoiled her. Sorry.... I am old school.

If teenagers or other children, in general, don't help around the house then the fault is with the adults who have low expectations of their behaviour and do everything for them! My granddaughter is only 9 and, when she stays with me, she often gets up early and sorts her own breakfast, helps prepare meals, lays and clears the table, packs/unloads the dishwasher, makes me a cup of tea etc.

I dont know the reason she has come to live with you but i worked in a homeless shelter for 16 year olds and they deal woth a lot of crap sadly.
Maybe she feels shes a burden, rejected, as well as dealing with other inadequacies ( in her eyes ) .
Then it is hard as a Nanny ( i am one to five Grandchildren ). We are quite rightly set in our ways and have self care boundaries.
So to promote independence. Maybe say Grandad and i miss our old tea habits , and shiw her how to cook omlettes and stir frys etc and say how about you cook for yourself. Shell feel compelled to tidy up after herself and ok if your kitchen is a mess. Shes learnt a skill and how to throw anything into omelettes and stir frys and yiuve got your meal times back and an able GD x

Yes it maybe what teenagers like these days. But is it acceptable and who is responsible for allowing this attitude to develop in the first place?

I thought my daughter tough on her boys. From the age of three and four made to understand they were required to help. One at 17 preparing for university a very good cook and still only too willing to get into the kitchen and prepare dinner for the family.

Assign chores keep them simple and quick eg if you have a dishwasher she has to empty it or at least wash or dry dishes. Make her responsible for her own laundry giving her a "slot" in the household routines. At 16 she should accept household responsibility. Even cooking a simple meal. What will she do if she is accepted for Uni? Another pampered teenager by the sounds of i.

my grandson age 22 lived with me for 2 months and was no problem in any way. Thankful for meals and helpful in any way! I have to say, I wouldn't have wanted my grandaughter, his sister living with me. I love her dearly she's my first grandchild but my place would have been full of her clothes and make-up everywhere! Yes, boys are easier, usually!

Yes, i think girls can be worse than boys.(ive had 3 daughters& 4 sons!)

Sounds like a normal 16 year old.

That said, you need to sit her down and give her your expectations of how she is to act in your household.

Give her chores, make her part of the household. Maybe she cooks once a week, does all the bedding, something like that.

I know it a might have been awhile ago, but you surely remember how it was from when you raised her parent?

Why don’t you just talk to her?

Oh, dear! Aren’t you brave taking on a 16 year old — not something I would relish.
Is there some family trauma causing her to come and live with you or, is it more convenient while she studies?

Hi Bluerinse,
Yes, I totally agree with the other posters, your GD is a product of today's society, the majority of the kids these days are unappreciative, unhelpful and many are downright rude!
The way to alter her behaviour is to completely stop doing anything for her! Make her cook for herself (Including the washing up), do her own washing and ironing, etc etc. She'll soon learn to appreciate the fact that you've been doing it all for her.
If you or her parents give her pocket money, withhold it until she learns to earn her keep.
I did it with my son from when he was 10 until he went to university and he's turned into an amazing young man (now 24).
I stopped buying him all those little things that somehow creep into the shopping trolley and all clothing other than essentials such as school uniform etc and made him buy them himself. He did get a generous monthly allowance to be able to buy his own things, subject to him doing his share of household chores including vacuuming, dusting, cooking, washing etc. It has given him valuable life skills and he also values money, knowing that he has to work hard for anything he wants.
Our situation was a little different to yours in that I'm disabled and couldn't do everything myself and needed assistance with looking after the house and my son has always helped me with little things like dusting, bringing his dirty washing downstairs and putting it into the machine, then taking the clean clothing back up for me from about the age of 3 but he was 10 when I changed the rules.
No matter how old the child, there's no reason why they shouldn't learn and practice these essential life skills.

*your washing etc