Guilt trip from Gran about moving abroad

You also say that this move probably won’t happen for a couple of years.

I know time flies by, but who knows what may have happened in that time?

Two years ago, who would have predicted Covid?

Just carry on making your plans.

I hate the thought of anybody being this upset because of me.

It isn't because of you - it's because of herself and her own unreasonable attitude.

Great suggestions already given.

I think you are a people pleaser, I have been one all my life, I am now 52, and still trying to please my mother, my husband is the same with his parents. Although it is hard on your mother in law I think you have to make these changes now. I have spent a lifetime pleasing my parents to no avail.Do what is best for you, she will adapt, she will change her plans for her environment.we are so lucky that we live in a world with interaction if people move abroad, it is not your job to make her happy.......

You do what is right for your family, Herbie. Your mother in law will get over it once you make it clear. At the moment she probably thinks she can persuade you to change your mind and perhaps she needs more reassurance that you will still keep in touch and you will still make an effort to see her. I can understand her being nervous about the distance involved because, sadly, as we get older it becomes harder to fly all that way but you can visit her. My mum and dad used to fly over and visit us well into their 70 s but it does take a toll and maybe she is worried about this ?

I would stop having discussions with her about it. Go ahead and make your plans and then you can let her know after the fact. By including her in the process, you are inviting her to be part of the decision (at least that’s how it may seem to her), and of course she doesn’t want you to go. I would not steer her toward your husband to have these discussions, and risk him changing his mind about the move because he caved to her guilt and pressure. If she brings it up, tell her the decision is made and you are very happy, and change the subject. I would also be careful with the invite to “stay as long as you like”. What if she took you up on that and stayed for months, or a year? Would that be too long of a stay for you? If so, put a time frame on that invite. “We would love for you to come for two weeks every year!” Or however long you are truly comfortable visiting.

Tell her you feel no guilt about not living close to this lady.

I do sympathise with her, but her misfortunes are not your fault. She does have needs as you know. The best thing you can do for her is listen and reassure her that she is loved wherever you live. You can repeat this formula again and again.

What an incredibly kind and thoughtful person you are. Your mother in law is being very unfair but you can't control her behaviour- only how you respond to it. She is being hugely unfair and manipulative and your husband needs to support you more to stop this. Try not to feel guilty- you are not the person behaving badly , you may be a mother in law one day and I am sure you would not seek to control your family in this way. Hard as it is when family move away, you have no reason to sacrifice your own happiness for another.

There are a few times in life when you have to be 'selfish' ie: do what is absolutely right for you and those closest to you. If not, you go through life only pleasing others.
You say that your DH seems better at 'shutting her out' - maybe because he's had plenty of practice!
You could even say to her that you are sorry it has come to a choice, but that is how it is when you fall in love with someone from 'off'.
So many of us on here have stories of friends and family who travelled far away for love. We go back to the days when most people didn't even have phones, and international calls were prohibitively expensive anyway. I still correspond with one of my mother's greatest friends - when she left, as a GI Bride, she wrote a sort of 'diary' on an airmail letter (remember those thin blue letters?) that she posted every week, and which was passed round the family then friends for us to keep in touch. There are many nans on here who are keeping in touch with their grandchildren as best they can, and not fussing, even though it is breaking their hearts.
You don't say how old your child is, but I think by the time you go, he will be old enough to show his nan things on videolink, and talk to her about what he is doing.

Having said that, I would keep quiet for the moment, because you don't know what changes Covid will bring, and talking about it will prolong the agony. I would say if she brings it up that you don't know the timing yet, but that you will all 'enjoy' each other's company for the time being.

I think you simply have to stop worrying about what she thinks. It’s her problem, not yours, and you must do what’s best for your family. Good luck! ?

your offer to pay for her flights to see you all, and to stay with you as long as she wishes, is more than generous.
i too think you need to get on with making your plans, and restrict discussions with her on this matter.
have a few stock phrases which both you and your husband use, and don't be drawn into justifying your decisions.
eg when she says, but you can't take my GS away, my heart will be broken...
you say, the climate is lovely in spring over there, we will pay for your flights and you can stay as long as you like.

Oh me too Nell but as Madgran says"sadly for some, it just isn't going to happen".

Your m.i.l. is very lucky to have you for a d.i.l. Herbie and I hope that one day, in the not too distant future she'll realise that.

Madgran77 Literally sitting here thinking "wish my son had met a girl like that" and how different thing could have been. That MIL doesn't know she's born! I do hope they resolve it.

I would have been happy to count my MIL as a friend

I think there will be MILs and DILs on GN who will empathise with that comment Herbie. DILs who would have been happy to have a MIL as a friend and MILs who would have been happy to have their DIL as a friend. Sadly for some, it just isn't going to happen

Good luck

Wow! Thank you all for your considered responses and for indulging my very long post. What a fabulous forum. Smileless, you are so right; DH should be having these 'tough' conversations with her, but so often I fall into the trap of engaging with her on these topics because she approaches me for more information (and I then babble on incessantly trying to justify our decision making in the hope of avoiding the disapproving side eye!). I need to just shut these topics down. I know she has been enabled by those around her, myself included. It has just always been easier for me to compromise than to feel discomfort at her being upset. She has many great qualities and is a loving gran to my baby, and while she might seem selfish based on this particular issue, she is very generous and helpful in other ways. I really can understand why this loss would feel more poignant to her; she has been let down by those closest to her in the past. I so wish she could have seen me as more than simply 'the girl who could take her son away' and instead try to establish a relationship with me that wasn't primarily based on getting her own way. I would have been happy to count my MIL as a friend. It makes me very sad. Thanks to all you grans for giving me your blessing to do what I think is best for my little family (in the absence of a blessing from our own )

What Smileless said.

You sound like a very kind and thoughtful woman, deal with this in that kind and thoughtful way - with a bit of firmness thrown in- and you have no reason to feel guilty.

Stand firm, be kind and compassionate to her feelings (neither of which require you to change your plans) and you will have done everything you can to maintain a good relationship. Good luck and my best wishes.

Yes us grannies would love our children to live close by She could step out of her comfort zone and start getting used to flying to see her son and gs.
Blimey the offer of having expenses paid and to stay for as long as she likes would be wonderful!
It could help her get over her broken marriage and give her confidence.
I have to travel to where ever my daughter and her family are living in the world and l love it.
You know what you want for your own son and it’s natural for you to need your own mother and family. You have made a choice to go home to your own country in the same way as my own daughter has decided. So I will be overjoyed like your mother.
We have both had enough of tearful goodbyes and she has three children that she wants in English schools
Don’t feel guilty or bad about it do what you want to do it’s your life.

She’s very selfish, about time you did what you would like to do herbie, she’s being ridiculous, you have your own life to live with your little family, she wants you all to herself as you say, we would be sad if any of our AC moved countries, but at the end of the day we do not own our children they have their own lives to live, there’s no way on earth we would try and guilt trip them into staying, never ever try and clip their wings! Best of luck with all the things you would like to do herbie

When my daughter moved to the other side of the world I pinned a smile on my face and supported her. She knew what a wrench it would be for me and has always been very thankfully that I didn’t take it personally or make it harder than it needed to be. I do get why your MIL is upset, but honestly you seem to have done everything in your power to cushion the blow by assisting her to travel to you.

You can’t ‘fix’ what is essentially your MIL’s problem, so try to accept that. However, your own mum may be able to help by contacting your MIL and explaining how she has coped with your ten year absence. At the very least your MIL will then have a benchmark with which to examine her own actions in regard to you living away from her.

For a start your husband needs to grow a pair, secondly, as Smiless2012 has said she is used to being pandered to and her family, have been enabling that. You need to get your husband with you to present a united front with stock answers to her repetitive behaviour, basically, reset her expectations. I know that’s harsh, but at the moment it’s just a situation dragging on. Decide, the pair of you a rough timeframe, reiterate your planned visits back and help for her to visit, then repeat to any protestations, do not deviate. It won’t be easy, but your little family’s future should be the priority for you both.

As someone whose parents took me to the other side of the world and as a mum whose daughter now lives on the other side of the world I would say that she is being unreasonable.
BUT I can understand that she could be concerned about your move.
Although I wouldn’t make any of my children feel guilty about where they chose to live I would prefer them to be quite close. Simply because it’s easier to visit for a day, meet up for lunch, just be part of your life.
Perhaps she is scared?
Perhaps if/when she visits she will love where you have moved to and move into a granny annex?

I’ve lived my life and moved wherever I wanted or had to. You must do what you want or need to. Unfortunately for both you and MIL it sounds as though this will be very difficult. If you and your DH are both wanting the move then you must go for it.

I agree too, she is obviously thinking of herself rather than what is best for your own little family. You must do what is right for you, she will come round when she realises you mean it and are making the move. Good luck!

You feel guilty because one person is going to be upset with your move but what about all the other people involved, you and your children, your family and friends.

More people will benefit from your move so there is no need to feel guilt your move is for the greater good.

Agree Madgran77.

I agree with everything that Smileless says! You can't actually solve this for your MIL. Only she can. You must do what is best for you and your family

I doubt that you will ever convince her that she will always be welcome, to be honest, she sounds a selfish nightmare and your brother in law is colluding with her. It's you and your families life and she's going to have to get used to it. I would be upset if either of my children moved countries, but I would support them, like your family supported you. Good luck with your future.