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Am I selfish taking a lover?

(165 Posts)
GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 21:49:02

I’m married to a good man but the physical side of our relationship has never been particularly good. His sex drive is low and mine is more medium to high. I used to put it down to him having a stressful job but he now works much less hours and still has zero interest in sex.
I really do feel like I’m missing out and want attention, cuddles, kisses and a bit of love....and am I selfish if I take a lover or should I stay away from his proposition and carry on as I have been doing for all these years?

aggie Wed 06-Nov-19 21:52:17

It Takes two to Tango , have you worked on your relations with your Husband or just waited for him to do all the work ?

MissAdventure Wed 06-Nov-19 21:53:17

We had a similar thread a while back, and opinions were widely varied.
Have you and your husband talked about things?
Does he know it is becoming a problem within the relationship?

GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 21:57:20

@MissAdventure..Yes we have talked about it many, many times over the years. It always starts off okay with him promising to slowly change things...but rarely has it got off the ground. He knows how I feel as I’ve said it so many times. I find myself nowadays saying less and less and feel as if we have a brother and sister relationship.

Doodledog Wed 06-Nov-19 22:08:29

I honestly don't think that this is something that other people can help you to decide. Some people will always say that you only have one life and you should live it as fully as you can; and others will insist that you must stick to your marriage vows.

Neither point of view is really relevant, as it is what you think that matters.

How well do you know yourself? Are you likely to feel resentful if you stay faithful? Are you likely to be wracked with guilt if you don't? If you have an affair, will your husband accept it (some do), or will it be the end of your marriage? Is there someone waiting in the wings to be your lover? Is he married himself, and if so, what impact would this have on his wife?

All of these things are really important, and IMO you need to be absolutely clear about all of them before you do anything. Whether or not strangers online approve or not is neither here nor there.

Whatever you decide, I wish you happiness.

MissAdventure Wed 06-Nov-19 22:08:48

What a shame.
Do you think though, that a lover would make you feel special and loved?

What kind of arrangement do you have in mind for this affair?

NanaandGrampy Wed 06-Nov-19 22:16:55

If you cannot live with what you have then end it. After you have done that , take as many lovers as you like . But to take a lover whilst still married is infidelity and no matter how you rationalise that to yourself that’s the truth of the matter.

My personal opinion is that if you have respect for yourself , your husband ( who one presumes you loved once) and your marriage you’ll finish one before you start another .

GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 22:24:28

@Doodledog..Yes there is someone who is waiting in the wings (so to speak). He is also married. I know myself very well and I think I will only feel a little guilty should I take things further with this other man.
I have lots I still need to consider before I decide...

FlexibleFriend Wed 06-Nov-19 22:25:19

Does it matter what we think?
What does your husband think? He's the one in a relationship with you.
If I was contemplating an affair I can't picture me giving a stuff what anyone else thought about it apart from my partner or the prospective lover. I'd be quite turned off by the thought of sneaking around or getting caught. Tbh I'd rather get divorced and find someone new than cheat but that's me, you have to figure that out for yourself.

GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 22:26:54

@MissAdventure...I know he would make me feel special and loved. It’s not something I can put into words but I felt it with him...if that makes sense.
As I work part time and he is semi retired we would be available to meet every couple of weeks in the week...

Drum1234 Wed 06-Nov-19 22:28:17

Well, you might not feel much guilt, but your husband and the other man's wife will probably feel a great deal of pain.

GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 22:29:17

@FlexibleFriend...I don’t care what you think as I can tell what you are already thinking by reading your reply ...but I am entitled to post whatever I wish...like you are entitled to reply ...or not...as the case may be.

Drum1234 Wed 06-Nov-19 22:29:22

Everyone who cheats thinks that it just 'feels right'. Doesn't mean it is.

GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 22:30:52

@Drum...The pain would only come from finding out.

agnurse Wed 06-Nov-19 22:31:15

This is SUCH a bad idea. Not only will you be cheating on your husband, but you'll be encouraging your prospective lover to cheat on his wife as well. That also tells you a great deal about his likely fidelity to you - if he's prepared to cheat with you, he's also likely to cheat on you.

If there are serious problems with your marriage, the proper response is to go to marriage counselling, not decide to have an affair and potentially destroy your own marriage and someone else's as well.

Drum1234 Wed 06-Nov-19 22:33:58

Oh well, that's all right then. They're never going to find out, are they? How on earth can you guarantee that? My answer to your original question - yes, you are being selfish if you take a lover, especially as you obviously don't care about either your husband's or the other wife's feelings.

MissAdventure Wed 06-Nov-19 22:40:59

There is a theory that women find it difficult to separate sex from love; in other words, you may get hurt at some point. (And you won't have anyone to tell, of course)

I hope you make a decision you can live comfortably with.

Annapops Wed 06-Nov-19 22:44:48

As the ex wife of a cheating ex husband I think you should be straight with your husband and ask him if you are being selfish. I know I would have much rather my ex had told me about his other woman than waiting until I found out about her 5 years later. (I was, by the way a very loving wife.)
Think carefully about the pain you may possibly unleash here. Just my opinion.

GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 22:45:11

@MissAdventure...I will answer this question as I think it is relevant. I am able to separate sex from love. I’m not sure I could when I was younger and single and did get hurt once or twice. Now I’m older I feel different about things and of course see things differently.
Thanks for posting and for your last comment.

crazyH Wed 06-Nov-19 22:47:25

Oh dear GON, there's a husband and a wife at home so to speak.!!!! Complicated and 'playing with fire ' - if you're that desperate why don't you look for someone unattached or advertise in the 'looking for love' column, under a pseudonym- good luck !!!

suziewoozie Wed 06-Nov-19 22:47:29

I think your husband is being selfish as well - why should your marriage continue like this on his terms alone? The honest thing would be to end your marriage - is that feasible financially? If so, tell him that’s how you’re thinking and see if he cares enough to do something about it

FlexibleFriend Wed 06-Nov-19 22:49:00

I think you've asked this before so if you can't make up your mind to proceed you must be having doubts.
You have no clue what I'm thinking.

GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 22:50:32

@Suzie..thank you...this is just what I’ve said to him in the past...like I say I rarely mention it now...sick of saying it..but yes I do feel things are on HIS terms only...

Tangerine Wed 06-Nov-19 22:56:31

Would it worry you that your lover was deceiving his wife?

Would your husband mind if you had an affair? Some men don't mind.

I think you should think about possible fallout in the years to come.

You must have some doubts about the situation or you wouldn't ask people on Gransnet.

suziewoozie Wed 06-Nov-19 23:09:52

It’s a big step ending a marriage so it’s not surprising that GON isn’t rushing into it. But this problem has been going on for years. Personally I’d try and put the man in the wings out of the decision making. Stay or go regardless of him - nothing may come of that anyway.