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AIBU

To feel annoyed with my husband

(72 Posts)
maddyone Fri 08-Nov-19 23:05:08

I think I am being unreasonable to be honest, but just want to share this upset with you lovely ladies. I’m feeling very upset with my husband at the moment and I’m also upset with myself.
We booked a dream holiday, four days in Australia, then board the cruise ship, and after the first port of Melbourne, we cruise to New Zealand and visit the fiords and both islands, returning from Auckland. We booked last Spring and in the Summer I checked to make sure if we needed any visas for Australia or New Zealand. No visa required for New Zealand but a 90 day tourist visa, obtainable online, was required for Australia. I discussed with Mr M and said we should apply. No need yet he declared. The website says it only takes 1/2 days to issue the visa online. No paper required. So we waited. I spoke to him on about 3 more occasions but he always said there was no need yet. I said I would do it, that evoked a cross response, no need yet, there’s plenty of time. Finally on 3rd November (we’re due to travel on 15th November) he succumbed to my wishes and filled in the application form. True to what was said, my visa arrived exactly two days later. His is not here yet. Today he phoned the relevant body in Australia, who told him there was no way it can expedited, it will arrive when it arrives. She also told us 90% of applications are turned around in 1/2 days. We just have to wait. Hopefully it will arrive before next Friday, but upon further investigations online, it appears a few visas take between 3 days and many days. The website also advises that you should apply at least 14 days in advance of travel in order to most likely receive your visa.
Mr M is a lovely man, a hard worker, and devoted son, father and grandfather. He is also a very good husband, but he is a control freak very independent. I recognise this and I know he needs to do things his way, and I know he likes to get on with helping our children with repairs etc, doing things around our own home, doing a massive amount of childcare for our children (I do as well, but he’ll frequently do it on his own) doing his gardening and a lot of other stuff. He’s rarely relaxing, always on the go, often helping other people. However, when I said I’ll do the application, he takes that as criticism of himself and gets a bit irritable.
Now it looks like it’s very possible we may not be able to go, and I feel annoyed with him. I’m also annoyed with myself for not disregarding him and just doing the application myself. We’ll only be able to claim part of the cost back from our insurance, so we’ll lose money as well as our long looked forward to holiday.
Sorry for the long post, but I know I’m being unreasonable to be annoyed with Mr M but I’m still asking you ladies what you think.

Grammaretto Fri 08-Nov-19 23:18:07

Dont worry too much about the visa. When we visited Australia we just had to fill in a form on the plane.
I think you are just getting pre travel nerves.
Enjoy your dream holiday with your lovely man.
He sounds pretty good to me. smile

MawB Fri 08-Nov-19 23:19:01

It will probably come on Monday but how many more grey hairs will you have accredited by then?
Next time either set firm deadline or go ahead and do it yourself.

DoraMarr Fri 08-Nov-19 23:22:41

You could go, and he could follow you when he gets his visa, if it doesn’t arrive on time.

MawB Fri 08-Nov-19 23:24:27

“Accredited” ?
I wrote acquired 🤔🤔

gt66 Fri 08-Nov-19 23:26:11

No you are definitely NOT be unreasonable to be annoyed, especially after reminding him so many times! It beggars belief that he would risk leaving something so important to the last minute! My OH is exactly the same...it's so infuriating, but I've learnt not to say too much, although in your situation I do all that type of thing, so it wouldn't have arisen.

I really hope that the visa arrives on time, but you could do without the uncertainty over such an important document!

Callistemon Fri 08-Nov-19 23:27:08

Can you phone the Australian Dept of Immigration - I think they have a London office.

We once made the mistake of booking our flights before applying for our visas, DH's came straight through but mine was refused shock

I phoned and a helpful woman said she would investigate as there was probably someone with the same name and dob applying - she expedited it and it came through in a couple of days.

A Visa usually comes through very quickly if you apply online - have you applied for the correct one? It is so easy to app,y for the wrong one as there are several categories.
I think you need an eVisitor visa which is free.
Apply through Australian Immigration, not through a Visa bureau which could charge.

I hope it comes through quickly and you don't have to go on your own!

Callistemon Fri 08-Nov-19 23:28:59

I just looked and their website is down for maintenance from 2pm tomorrow to 9 am on Sunday so I would try them again asap, not sure if anyone will be manning the phones at the weekends though.

Callistemon Fri 08-Nov-19 23:31:46

Grammaretto
You have to have an electronic visa which is recorded on your passport. You don't receive paperwork but just an email confirmation, however I always print that off and take it to be on the safe side.
The immigration form is something else; you have to fill that in and hand it in on arrival.

Eloethan Fri 08-Nov-19 23:49:29

maddyone
I can understand you being very annoyed and upset - I would be too. He sounds really lovely though - apart from being a bit of a control freak. In my experience and that of my friends, lots of men are control freaks but they're not all as kind and helpful as your husband sounds.

I hope you get the visa on time and have a wonderful holiday. A very anxious time for you both though - and so unnecessary if he had listened to you.

SueDonim Sat 09-Nov-19 00:28:38

I'm just back from Australia and our visas were sent electronically within two days. Hopefully, your dh's will arrive asap. If not, you're well within your rights to be very cross with him.

Can you look to see if there are ways the holiday can be salvaged if the visa doesn't come e.g. join the cruise ship in NZ? Did you book it through an agency? If so, ask them what can be done.

In future, just take control yourself of arrangements. Don't ask or tell your dh, just do it. You can always smile sweetly and say you were saving him the effort.

maddyone Sat 09-Nov-19 09:14:55

Thank you so much all you dear ladies who responded. I have excellent news this morning, overnight Mr M’s visa came through. Phew, what a relief. I have learnt a valuable lesson, Maw you are right, either give him a cut off date or do it myself in future. Ladies, your suggestions were appreciated, most of them we already tried in our acute anxiety yesterday. I felt sick and unwell all day, and Mr M suffered a stress headache, which is very rare for him.
We have our five year old twin grandchildren, and their Labrador staying with us, from last Thursday till Monday night as our daughter and her husband are in Athens as she is running the Athens marathon on Sunday. Their baby brother is with the other grandparents. Like me, our daughter suffers from stress and anxiety, and running has helped her enormously. I suffer depression, but I take medication and normally with that, I’m absolutely fine. However stress causes the symptoms to come creeping back and yesterday I felt awful, but with having the children here, we just had to get on with it. Sadly these mental health issues run in our family, but I don’t hide it away. But anyone would have been stressed yesterday, and like myself, totally relieved today.
I just want to thank you all again for your responses, which I read last night. I do find Gransnet therapeutic when stressful situations hit.
Also I do realise that despite the worry, it was very much a first world problem. I was reminding myself of that yesterday whilst I felt so anxious, I’m don’t think it relieves the anxiety, but it is an important thing to hang on to.
Thank you.

dragonfly46 Sat 09-Nov-19 09:23:07

I am afraid I always do these things myself!

BlueBelle Sat 09-Nov-19 09:32:04

I m with dragonfly in future don’t even mention anything so important just do it yourself He can’t be in control of something he doesn’t know about
Control is often a man (or maybe a woman’s) way of allaying fear or panic My son bless him a wonderful husband and father could be accused occasionally of control but its covering his anxiety in some situations, luckily he has a wonderful wife who understands totally and makes necessary adjustments in the relationship

Callistemon Sat 09-Nov-19 09:37:51

What a relief.

Now, after our hiccup one time, we (I) always apply for the visas before booking flights.

Have a lovely holiday, can you smuggle me in your suitcase please?
My visa's still valid!

Alexa Sat 09-Nov-19 11:07:38

My husband dumped me years ago and I can't afford such holidays never could. Although I know nothing of holidays and husbands I have seen them on telly, and I wonder if you could not simply join the ship without officially going ashore in Oz.

Alexa Sat 09-Nov-19 11:10:05

PS I just read your happy update. I'd have more than a stress headache if I had to do all that travelling!smile

SueDonim Sat 09-Nov-19 14:17:47

I'm glad it has resolved itself, Maddyone. Perhaps your dh will have learned a lesson after having a self-induced stress headache yesterday!

Enjoy your trip.

Callistemon Sat 09-Nov-19 14:28:59

No, unfortunately Alexa I think you have to fly into the airport of the embarkation port, go through immigration then make your way to the port. Immigration is quite rigorously enforced in Australia.

Eloethan Sat 09-Nov-19 19:21:28

That's great news.

Iam64 Sat 09-Nov-19 20:00:42

PHEW! you're ok maddyone, you can both go off and enjoy this wonderful holiday.

Urmstongran Sat 09-Nov-19 20:21:49

When I read your post I immediately thought the same as Maw to have set date, tell him if it’s not done by then you’re on it! Luckily all’s well. Enjoy your holiday maddyone it sounds wonderful!

fiorentina51 Sat 09-Nov-19 20:33:22

Please check up on the need for a visa when travelling to NZ. We are going in the new year and have been told that a visa is required from October 2019.

fiorentina51 Sat 09-Nov-19 20:34:28

www.newzealandetavisa.com/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpsvyh_3d5QIVWfhRCh0q6gb1EAAYASAAEgLhD_D_BwE

maddyone Sun 10-Nov-19 00:22:25

Thank you again for all your responses. Fiorentina, thank you for the information. I have applied for our etas tonight. When I initially looked there was no requirement for British citizens to obtain a tourist visa, an eta, for New Zealand, but thanks to Fiorentina telling me, I realised the situation had changed, on 1st October this year. Apparently the tourist visa should be turned around in three working days, and unlike Australia, the applicant is given information of what to do in the apparently unlikely event of this not happening. In addition, as we are going to cruise to New Zealand, I know that all the cruise companies get immigration on board and sort out entry requirements, tourist visas, for their passengers, and so we could have left it for Celebrity to do for us, but we decided to do our own. Obviously when we enter Australia we will not be on a cruise ship, and in fact we are staying in Sydney for a few days, and so we urgently needed the tourist visa for Australia.
All of this has happened on one of our most busy weekends, with having the twins with us, not to mention the dog, which has particular needs, medications etc as she has undergone two spinal operations this year. Today both our sons visited us, one with his wife, the other with our seven year old grandson, plus I brought my 92 year old mother to the house too, as we see her every day, and do a lot of care for her (she lives in a sheltered apartment nearby, and lives independently with our support) and so we’ve had coming and going all day, plus feeding people etc. One little five year was taken to his football club, and DH took the three children and the dog to the park after the rain stopped whilst I got the kitchen sorted. But a happy day none the less, and my anxiety has levelled out.
Thank you again for advice, support, and happy holiday wishes, it is much appreciated.