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AIBU

AIBU to be so up and down?

(97 Posts)
EllaKeat Wed 11-Dec-19 17:39:31

I had breast cancer 10 years ago. I had surgery, chemo and radiotherapy.
I had all of my lymph nodes tested - 23/24 affected.
Then I had BC on the other breast. I had surgery and reconstruction on both breasts, then another bout of chemo.
Then I had ovarian cancer and had an oopherectomy.
I was told at that point that I was stage 4.
For six/seven years I have been symptom free.
Now I am not.

I have been told that my cancer has spread to my bones (spine), and more frighteningly, my liver.

Oncologist is offering pain relief, as and when necessary. There is nothing more to be done.

I was told this yesterday, but already knew it, I just knew something was not right.

I feel fabulous. Absolutely nothing wrong with me. I have had donkey day today, mucking out, sorting donkeys, llamas, goats, chickens and rabbits. All as normal.

Then it hits. I wont be here next Christmas. I dont know how to feel.
No one can tell me. Obviously, they are dead. (Apologies for the black humour).
80% of the time I am me, normal.
20% of the time I am a quivering wreck.

I look at my children, my grandchildren, and think I will not be a part of their story soon.

I actually cope very well. Its just that when it hits, it hits hard.

Apologies to you all, I KNOW there is nothing you can say to make it better, I just needed to let it out.

tanith Wed 11-Dec-19 17:47:20

flowers ((((hugs)))) there no words

Calendargirl Wed 11-Dec-19 17:51:35

It’s absolutely no help , but I feel for you, very much.

GrandmaMoira Wed 11-Dec-19 17:58:00

I'm sorry to hear your news.

Susan56 Wed 11-Dec-19 18:08:25

So sorry .There are no words but we send you our love💐

Madgran77 Wed 11-Dec-19 18:08:34

I look at my children, my grandchildren, and think I will not be a part of their story soon.

A small suggestion for what it is worth. When you feel like this, maybe you could focus on leaving them memories of you. Pictures; a letter; mementoes that mean something to them? Make up a box for each of them. Or write about things in a notebook for them to keep and read?

I don't know if that would help but maybe??

crystaltipps Wed 11-Dec-19 18:12:24

That’s such a shock. Hopefully you’ll be able to enjoy moments with your lovely family over the next weeks and months. It’s a reminder that we should all make the most of whatever time we have. Lots of love and hugs💐

EllaKeat Wed 11-Dec-19 18:13:45

Madgran77 from the day my granddaughter was born, I have kept a diary for her. Reminisces from bef9re she was born, a bit of family history and memories of time spent with her. I will keep writing in it, i actually really enjoy it!
..
Dont get me wrong, I know everyone will be fine without me, it just hurts that I wont see it😁

Gin and chocolate should fix it 😂

EllaKeat Wed 11-Dec-19 18:16:07

I have a tumour on my brain which they are not looking too closely at, but it does explain my struggling for the right words in real life.
If I do the same on here, you know why🤣

NanaandGrampy Wed 11-Dec-19 18:18:51

Such sad news , expressed with such fortitude! Hats off to youEllakeat .

Don’t forget to record some video too for your family. I treasure hearing my mum or my mans voice now they are gone.

There is a great free app ( I’ll search for it and send you the link) created by a lady who wanted to leave some video recordings and it’s in the form of questions that you answer in mini snippets.

Sending you a hug for the low times x

NanaandGrampy Wed 11-Dec-19 18:19:26

Nans not mans lol !

EllaKeat Wed 11-Dec-19 18:23:26

Would appreciate that NanaandGrampy I know nothing about vodeo rec9rding, but might be nice. Or not. Might need a makeup lesson first😁

Madgran77 Wed 11-Dec-19 18:36:10

Madgran77 from the day my granddaughter was born, I have kept a diary for her. Reminisces from bef9re she was born, a bit of family history and memories of time spent with her. I will keep writing in it, i actually really enjoy it!

That's good! It will be so precious to her. Ofcourse it hurts ...bring that gin and chocolate on eh! smile

Sillygrandma5GK Wed 11-Dec-19 18:51:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatyK Wed 11-Dec-19 18:55:59

Oh Ella flowers

Nanabanana1 Wed 11-Dec-19 19:00:23

Ellakeat 💐💐💐💐

BlueBelle Wed 11-Dec-19 19:00:25

Just want to send a big hug 🥰💐

PamGeo Wed 11-Dec-19 19:00:49

flowers wine

nanaK54 Wed 11-Dec-19 19:05:52

Sending kindest thoughts flowers wine

Ninarosa Wed 11-Dec-19 19:06:38

I understand, but you will always be a part of their story Ella

Marydoll Wed 11-Dec-19 19:11:48

What an amazing woman you are, to come and share this with us.
NanaandGrampy has made an excellent suggestion.

I understand what you mean, about not being part of their story soon. I have the same fear. It hurts so much knowing you will not see your grandchild growing up, I'm sure she will always have happy memories of you.
💐

Daddima Wed 11-Dec-19 19:13:34

My thoughts are very much with you, but try not to dwell on next year, as everyone is different, and you’ve shown already that you’re a force to be reckoned with!

Auntieflo Wed 11-Dec-19 19:14:37

EllaKeat how brave you sound. I am so sorry that you have had this diagnosis, so sending you positive thoughts, love and a virtual {{{hug}}}
What a lovely thing to do for your granddaughter.

Keep on posting as and when you feel able.
flowers

Scribbles Wed 11-Dec-19 19:19:30

I can't add any wise words or say anything helpful, only offer huge (((hugs))) to a very courageous lady. Xx

lavenderzen Wed 11-Dec-19 19:20:04

EllaKeat sending you love and ((hugs)) flowers