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30 years of being cheated on. Should I give up?

(56 Posts)
Juneb Fri 16-Oct-20 00:03:55

My husband cheated on me and lied to me for 30 years. I’ve tried to save our marriage over and over again, but he continues to disrespect me and blame me. He has physically and mentally abused me. I haven’t told my now grown up children as I haven’t wanted to involve them. I’m at breaking point. Been to counselling but he says it’s rubbish - accused me of ganging up against him with the counsellors! I’ve tried to help him, I’ve concealed my distress but I’m at the end of my tether. Ive searched over and over again for a reason why he doesn’t treat me better and why he doesn’t foster
caring relationships with others and I’m now wondering whether he could be on the autistic spectrum. I dont want to walk a way but I’m at my wits end. Please help.

crazyH Fri 16-Oct-20 00:16:43

I went through the same for 25 years. I fought to save our marriage for the sake of our children. But the bottom line is, you can't make someone love you. Eventually, he fell seriously in love with someone. They got married. I think they are happy. But the hurt lingers on. My children, who are married, think I have done well and coping. Little do they know!!My culture and religion prevent me, from forming another relationship.
In your case Juneb, he probably does love you, he is still with you, and as you say, he may be on the autistic spectrum. That's not an excuse, but probably a reason. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck and all good wishes !!!

rosecarmel Fri 16-Oct-20 00:21:56

I can't tell you to walk away, but can tell you that I did and was all the better for it-

Women have shouldered tremendous burdens and are showing up in record numbers at court filing for divorce during this pandemic-

WOODMOUSE49 Fri 16-Oct-20 00:27:03

Make an appointment to see a different counsellor by yourself. They will listen and give you ways of coping. I took 20 years of emotional abuse and kept it all to myself until I started to see a counsellor. 2 years later, and quite suddenly, I did walk away. It wasn't easy but I found out my eldest had had suspicions for a long time about my unhappiness.

You may be right with your assumptions about him but you will not change him.

You've tried but your happiness is now more important than his. Don't tell him you are seeing the counsellor.

Hithere Fri 16-Oct-20 01:47:46

Being in the autistic spectrum is no justification for being cheated on

Your question is not : should I give up? But "how much longer am I willing to live like this"

BlueBelle Fri 16-Oct-20 05:08:06

I agree with hithere being Autistic is absolutely no reason to excuse him for carrying on cheating or physically /mentally abusing you You have put up with enough in fact far too much
He has physically and mentally abused me this bit is the very reason you should have left him a long time ago and if you have a counsellor who is not helping you with this then you have the wrong counsellor for sure
I m afraid he is not going to change when he has had his way of doing things for 30 years, so you only have 30 more years of the same to look forward to is that all you want from your life?
My advise is to leave and have a proper life on your own you will be totally surprised at the peace and feeling of renewal you will feel to get out of this ABUSIVE cycle This is not love or life

You can’t change or save it, all you will do by staying is prolong it for the rest of your life DONT YOU DESERVE MORE?

OceanMama Fri 16-Oct-20 05:20:45

30 years? You've lasted a lot longer than I would have. My husband is autistic and that is no excuse for cheating or abuse.

Esspee Fri 16-Oct-20 07:52:51

Yes of course you should give up. You deserve so much better.

Lucca Fri 16-Oct-20 08:03:10

This is not meant unkindly but honestly what did you expect people to advise ? Clearly this relationship is a waste of your life so however hard or heartbreaking you know that you need to leave. Take it step by step !

EllanVannin Fri 16-Oct-20 08:19:35

Autism ? No. Narcissism ? Yes !

Narcissists don't have empathy for others and are only interested in themselves. The condition comes under the umbrella of personality disorders and unless the condition is recognised and treated this mental illness will continue.

If you are in a financial position to break away then do so, but start by seeing a solicitor. It'll be much more difficult as time goes on and you get older so strike while the iron's hot, it's your life/ future at stake.

Hetty58 Fri 16-Oct-20 08:23:38

Juneb, where is your self respect? Why did you allow his behaviour for so long?

Why (oh why) don't you want to walk away? It makes no sense!

'Should I give up? - YES - break free and get your own life back!

Hetty58 Fri 16-Oct-20 08:29:37

CrazyH, your 'culture and religion' prevent you from living and loving? Really? You only have one life so don't sacrifice yourself for ideals!

25Avalon Fri 16-Oct-20 08:31:35

Reality check. He is not going to change. This you need to accept although you don’t want to. Then you have to decide if you can continue in this relationship. Sorry if this sounds harsh but that’s the way it is. To walk away after all these years may not be easy as your emotional strength will have been sapped but I am worried about physical abuse which is never acceptable in any circumstances. My dh often tries to be controlling but physical abuse is something I would never put up with and no should any woman. It’s not marriage guidance counselling you want but women’s refuge. You need help. Please have the courage to ask.

sodapop Fri 16-Oct-20 08:37:34

Time to stop prioritising your husband Juneb and start thinking about yourself. It's immaterial whether or not he has any mental health issues, you don't deserve to go through this any longer. There comes a point when you have done all you can to save the relationship, he clearly doesn't care. Talk to your children, they are adults now and don't need to be protected at your expense. Woodmouse is right, see a counsellor on your own to help you see things more clearly.
I hope you find peace and happiness in the future.

GrandmaMoira Fri 16-Oct-20 09:05:05

The man is abusive, not autistic. Please see a counsellor on your own, read Lundy Bancroft's book (free online) and go to a solicitor.
Your children must know what he's like. You would be happier on your own without worrying what horrible thing he will do next.

Toadinthehole Fri 16-Oct-20 09:22:45

If you don’t want to be told to walk away, I’m not sure what else there is. Thirty years is a long time. He won’t change now, you’ve made it too comfortable for him. My advice would be ‘ to walk away’ while there’s still time. Forget counselling, it’s too late. I would recommend it on your own too, as GrandmaMoira says, but not to benefit you two, but to hopefully benefit you in any other relationship you make. I wish you all the best.

Maggiemaybe Fri 16-Oct-20 09:23:29

Juneb, you say you don’t want to walk away, but haven’t given one single reason for wanting to stay. It’s time to put yourself first. thanks

midgey Fri 16-Oct-20 09:26:33

He will continue as long as you allow it. Big girl pants on and move on without him!

TwiceAsNice Fri 16-Oct-20 09:31:33

You are in an abusive marriage. He will not change because he thinks what he does is acceptable. Walk away and get help to live your life. I did so after longer than 30 years (stupid me) don’t make the same mistake! I love the freedom and autonomy I have now and am so happy I left. Do the same you won’t look back.

Awesomegranny Fri 16-Oct-20 09:40:22

If he’s physically abusive then you must walk away and get divorced. Why live like this, surely it’s better to live a life that’s peaceful and safe rather than living in fear. Contact a solicitors citizens advice today and find out your rights. Good luck it won’t be easy but you’ll be happier once you’ve made a new life for yourself.

henetha Fri 16-Oct-20 09:52:04

Do you really want this for the rest of your life? It's extremely unlikely that he will improve now. Good luck and be brave.

Luckygirl Fri 16-Oct-20 09:59:36

You have only one life.

Grandmabatty Fri 16-Oct-20 10:00:14

Why don't you want to walk away? Are the reasons about your children, your husband or society? If so, then discount them. It seems you are desperately trying to find excuses for your husband's behaviour to make staying with him acceptable. The only person living your life is you. List pros and cons for staying and pros and cons for leaving. On mumsnet you would have a string of posters saying ltb, and to be honest, I'd be one of them as physical and emotional abuse should not be tolerated by anyone in a relationship. But, I'm not you. I'm sorry you are experiencing this and I hope you make the right decision for you, no one else.

PECS Fri 16-Oct-20 10:09:04

I can only echo the advice to take that really hard step out of this relationship.
Go and see a good solicitor who specialises in separation & divorce to be sure what you need to do to protect your self/ interests before doing anything. Use conselling too to help you make your way successfully out of your marriage and on to the rest of your life.
You do not say if you have friends/ family to support you but hopefully you do have.

PinkCakes Fri 16-Oct-20 17:20:43

Not only has he slept with other women, but he's mentally and physically been a sod as well, for 30 years! Don't waste any more of your life with the man!