MIL and empty nest syndrome

I guess empty nest is harder to cope with this year because there are very few socializing opportunities, you can’t travel far, you can’t even volunteer easily, it must be really tough.

At least she has a concerned dil, Lovely! Probably not a lot you can do, to be honest, except to be as supportive as possible when required. Perhaps some grandchildren will arrive in the course of time and she will become a devoted grandma.

Where does your dh stand?

It is hard when children leave home and have lives away from you but they haven't gone they have just started their independence and your MiL should feel proud that she has done her job.
In time she will find she can cope happily with other things to do and keeping in touch with her children.

What age is MIL? Your concern is kindly and suggesting things she can fill her time with is really a good start to give her ideas.
If she doesn’t/can’t work, what about exploring other hobbies. Refuse to give up, just keep suggesting.
Could she take on some dog walking?
Help a few hours voluntary work at a hospice or in a charity shop?
Help collecting or distributing at the local Food Bank?
Sew PPE or masks for family members? (we’ll be needing them for a while unfortunately)
Bake biscuits /cakes and share her produce with her neighbours and family?
Grow her own veg. and salad. Maybe take on an allotment.
If she can be encouraged to mix with people of various ages, outside of the family, she may well find friend(s) and companions for walks, coffee and cake out, yoga etc.
She really can’t expect to just hang about and wait for grandchildren.
If she were to come on here and ask for advice I think many would say to her she cannot rely on her family too much as it’s not healthy for her and it’s unfair on the family.
I’m sure her confidence will grow if she can just make the effort.
Good Luck LovelyCuppa.

Hithere

Where does your dh stand?

My DH doesn't like to see her upset but is firm that he has a life of his own too. He is generally a placid fella but did once decide to say to her that he didn't appreciate being guilt tripped into visiting all the time. He goes round once a fortnight if not once a week, and enjoys seeing them. He's quite introverted though so doesn't need lots of contact though which is probably some of the problem!

How lovely of you to be concerned for her. I presume she’s not actually a grandmother yet? This is the in between time, where you become separated from your grown up children, and they don’t always need you. You’re most likely working hard all day, and just want to be together the rest of the time, and quite right too. I spent this time meeting friends, exercising. In fact my youngest daughter was still at home when my oldest son and his wife had their first baby, our first grandchild. That changed for me, when more grandchildren surfaced, and my children were around again. It sounds like you’re doing all you can. She has to work this out for herself, and not impinge on your lives, or your husband’s siblings. It’s just another of life’s phases to get used to.

Puzzler61

What age is MIL? Your concern is kindly and suggesting things she can fill her time with is really a good start to give her ideas.
If she doesn’t/can’t work, what about exploring other hobbies. Refuse to give up, just keep suggesting.
Could she take on some dog walking?
Help a few hours voluntary work at a hospice or in a charity shop?
Help collecting or distributing at the local Food Bank?
Sew PPE or masks for family members? (we’ll be needing them for a while unfortunately)
Bake biscuits /cakes and share her produce with her neighbours and family?
Grow her own veg. and salad. Maybe take on an allotment.
If she can be encouraged to mix with people of various ages, outside of the family, she may well find friend(s) and companions for walks, coffee and cake out, yoga etc.
She really can’t expect to just hang about and wait for grandchildren.
If she were to come on here and ask for advice I think many would say to her she cannot rely on her family too much as it’s not healthy for her and it’s unfair on the family.
I’m sure her confidence will grow if she can just make the effort.
Good Luck LovelyCuppa.

Thank you, that is a great list of things to suggest. She has mentioned before that she needs to be needed, and your suggestions would certainly fill that need. I wonder if I've been looking at it from the wrong angle and have tried to suggest ways to fill her time, whereas she needed to fulfil her needs.

It's so hard when it's not your own mum as my take on the situation might be totally wrong!

Thanks for the suggestions.

She is in her 50s.

Yes, there are a few grandchildren but distance/jobs/ages/busy lives of their own mean it wasn't the full time role she seems to have been expecting.

Thank you for all of your posts. You've reminded me that other than suggesting a few ideas, it is just a life stage and she will work her own way through it in time.

I don't want to be overbearing, it's just hard to see her or my husband upset.

It is rather sad that your mils expectations are causing difficulties. She is responsible for her own happiness, chikdren grow up and have to have their own lives and it really is unreasonable to expect her adult children to be entertaining her or producing grandchildren for her to be involved with. Many younsters these days are well into their 30 s and beyond before they start families, she may have a while to wait.

She is lucky to have such a kind dil and if you and her other children can include her in some of your family occasions that will help but she needs to find something to occupy and involve her, as we whose children are grown , have to do.

"She is in her 50s.

Yes, there are a few grandchildren but distance/jobs/ages/busy lives of their own mean it wasn't the full time role she seems to have been expecting."

I would recommend to set up boundaries with her now.
She is only in her 50s and this may get worse the older she gets.
Her feelings are not your or your dh's responsibility. The same for her expectations.
She can always go to therapy to address her life change and expectations and how to cope with empty nest

This can easily get out of control when you have children

How many times we have read: " my ILs and I got along very well till I got pregnant/had a baby"

She's never worked I'm

You say that your DH "enjoys seeing ^them, from which I deduce that there is a FiL in the picture. Presumably he still works? Otherwise, do they do many things together, like walking, visiting interesting sites, trips to the seaside. Do they come to visit you at weekends? You feel that your MiL resents your presence in he beloved son's life, so perhaps you could find some common ground with her. I've always treated my DiLs as friends and they are happy to have that relationship. One of them shares reading recommendations with me, for example and I've been on many holidays in France with the family and the other who, unfortunately has split up with DS, but is still my Dil.

The one thing I would be prepared for in advance, is how she will react to becoming a grandmother. I suspect she may be one of those for whom their grandchildren are their life and she may well be demanding to see and care fore the child more than is reasonable. We have a lot of desperate parents on GN with this problem and a lot of grandmothers desperate because they are cut out as they are not allowed to be the babies primary carer and main decision maker!!

Most of such grandparents are like your MiL, no other interests and have made their children their life and when they grow up and move out, all they can think of is grandchildren and bringing them up.

You need to discuss with her kindly and firmly, well in advance of the birth

In her 50’s? Lucky thing! You ca nnot live your life for adult children or indeed for grandchildren, they are a joy and a bonus but not a life. Nice of you to be concerned but I think best leave well alone

She’s in her 50’s and fit and well?
You aren’t responsible for her well-being or happiness, LovelyCuppa.
It sounds to me as though she’s lucky to have a thoughtful, caring DiL like you.

We all have to make our own path in life. You’ve had some good suggestions from other posters about possible interests for her - all you can do is put them to her and let her work it out for herself.

And don’t let her draw you into the ‘why don’t you yes but’ game!

In her 50s!!!! Plenty of time then to get trained and develop a career so that she has some independence and a pension of her own when she reaches retirement age.

She is much the same age as my DDiL, who has worked since she left school, acquiring 3 degrees on the way and is now runs a museum.

I did an MA in my 50s. Maybe there's something she's always been interested in.... if so, why not?

Am I the only one to find the tone of your post a little patronising?
You say she has 'never worked' but if she was a full time mum and home maker she worked all right, very very hard.
You talk about her as if she was a pathetic specimen, missing her offspring and wanting to go back to when they were kids.
I suspect she is grieving her empty nest and girding her loins towards a different life. But it will take time and she does need to know that she is loved and needed still.

Do you really like her? Could you become friends? I strongly suggest you stop giving her ideas on how to fill her time. She is a grown woman who will sort herself out eventually and naturally gravitate towards things. Just be there for her.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

She is really young! She will come to terms with it.

I think you're all right, she will find her own way to come to terms with it. It's been this way for 4 years now but I guess in the grand scheme of things that is nothing. Thanks again. I'll leave the post now but have taken on board what you've all said.

She'll find plenty of sympathy and company on here!

I know 'empty nest syndrome' is a thing - I've just never experienced it. It was a big sigh of relief when the fourth child left and I was eager to get my life back.

I see it as a person (young in this case) being stuck in their ways and resistant to change. It's sad really.